My Journey Into the Catholic Faith

Confession is Good for the Soul

2009-10-27T18:55:00.000-07:00

As I discerned becoming Catholic, I was very concerned with the notion of confession. To be frank, it scared me. I didn't want to have to confess anything to a priest or anyone else. It is bad enough admitting to myself that I've sinned, but it seems so much worse to have to say it out loud and to someone else. Coming from a perfectionist, this is a very troubling situation.
As I studied the faith I understood the concept of confession - what it is, what it does, and why it's necessary. Despite my "knowledge" of the subject, I still didn't want to do it. Before my first confession, I spent time writing down absolutely everything in as much of an abbreviated version as I could so that I wouldn't have to spend an hour pouring out my sins for the past 27 years (that time since my Baptism). I focused on the "biggies" that were really bad and those things that I often struggled with. I took my list with me - I didn't want to overlook anything. I still make "confessional" lists when I go to this day. I feel better having written it all down. But I digress. My first confession wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Surprisingly, the sense of relief I felt was truly amazing. To know that at that time I had truly been forgiven of all my sins, brought immense joy. Despite that feeling, I had no desire to go back any time soon. The fear of confession is what "kept me in line" for a good long while. After that, I would go for my "yearly" necessity at Easter.
The first time I had to go to "regular" confession as opposed to a penance service, I spent days and hours, beforehand reading up on everything because I wasn't sure if I would do it right. I took a copy of the act of contrition with me because I certainly didn't have it memorized. I had "notes" on what order everything was supposed happen. And I had my handy list of sins. Thankfully, in the confessional there is a laminated sheet with full instructions of what you're supposed to say and do. I survived the confession and once again felt better afterward and realized it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. But then again... I still didn't like it and didn't want to have to go again anytime soon.
About a week and a half ago, it was time for me to go again. This time I had a lot more sins that I was dealing with - let's just say there were some biggies. I had been seeking my own will was going through a dry spell of sorts when it came to my faith. Oh, sure, I still went to Mass weekly and played the part, but I was falling deeper into my own self-absorbed life that my relationship with God was mostly non-existent. In hindsight it is so obvious that once you start heading down the wrong path, it is easy to stray from everything - and my problem was that I tried to justify my actions and downplay their seriousness. But thankfully, God didn't abandon me. I found myself in a moment where I knew I needed to get back on track. I knew the only way that was possible was through total and complete forgiveness that I could only get through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. So I made myself go. Once again, it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be (though it was still difficult). Once again, the relief of receiving full forgiveness was incredible.
As much as I still ultimately fear the confrontation, contemplation, and confession of my sins, I realize that there is great joy in having this sacrament available to me. When I was involved in the Baptist church, there was no true repentance for me when I would pray to God and confess my sins to him. It was so easy to slip back into a sinful nature because of this. I could only "hope" that I was forgiven by God - but I never had that certainty. For me, this Sacrament has made all the difference in my spiritual relationship. Yes, I still sin. I still have dry spells, but knowing that when I do fall, that I can confess, repent, and truly be forgiven is a wonderful blessing.
As I renew my faith and work on building my relationship with God again, I pray that I will make a regular practice of participating in confession. After all - can we ever receive too much Grace from God?

Five minutes of fame

2008-03-30T12:35:00.001-07:00

I know I haven't posted here in a very long time. I'm generally updating in my regular blog. My faith is still a big part of me and I still love going to Mass.

About a month ago, I was asked to do a radio interview for American Catholic radio. A lady contacted me because she had read my Catholic blog and was interested in conversion stories during the season of Lent. I was very flattered by this and I agreed to the interview. She called me at school one day during my lunch and we visited for about 30 minutes. The interviewed aired on March 24. I hadn't realized that it had aired until I got an email today from someone who heard it. So I listened to it. I thought it was a very nice interview and that it was put together well. So if you're interested you can hear the interview here. The interview starts about 5 minutes in and lasts for about 5 minutes.

Still Catholic

2007-11-24T08:42:00.000-08:00

I think this is the longest I've ever participated in church in my life (and I'm 38 years old). I've been going to church regularly for 2 1/2 years. I know I haven't posted in a while. I chronicled my journey and although it continues, I haven't been inspired to write anything. I'm still going to church weekly. I still sing in the choir. I've been going to the adult faith formation classes which have been going over John Paul II's Theology of the Body. That has been really enlightening. I'm finally "getting it" when it comes to sex and relationships. I still haven't had a date in over two years, but I'm learning that it is o.k.

I've continued to make rosaries and now I'm selling them online if anyone is interested. I sold some at a local craft fair and I'm trying to raise enough money to pay for my GRE test. I am going to go back to grad school and am trying to figure out how to finance it.

Other than that, I'm simply living and trying to manage life between work, home, and church. I'm still very happy to be a part of the Catholic faith and I will continue to grow and learn in it.

My Rosaries

2007-07-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

Early in my Catholic journey I learned to make rosaries. I made my first one in the fall of 2005 as I was in RCIA class. By the time Easter Vigil arrived, I made one for every person entering the Church with me along with a few others. Since then, I've made several more that I've given away to others like my friend Summer. I've probably made 40+ rosaries at this point and every one of them have been unique. I've never sold one as they have all been gifts. I can't even tell you how much I've spent in making them, but it's just something I enjoy. Each rosary costs anywhere from a couple of dollars to make to upwards of $15 depending on the kind of beads, centers and crosses I use. I may have to start selling them just to keep my habit up. I really don't know if there would be a market for them, but I've received compliments from every person that has received one. I've always enjoyed being creative and crafty and this is something that incorporates that. It is a moment of peace that lets me get away from the world for a few moments when I make them. I hope and pray that every person that has received one of my rosaries has been able to use it to further their spiritual life. I don't pray the rosary as much as I should. Sometimes, I do recite it as I string each bead. Now that I have a craft room again, I've been more active in making them - that is until I've run out of materials. I'll have to wait until payday next week to replenish my supplies.

At this point I have 21 rosaries at home. (Aside from my personal rosaries.) I've put 20 of them online if you'd like to see them. I have another that I'm holding on to with someone in mind that I'd like to give it to. If you're interested in a rosary, email me and let me know and we'll figure out a price. If you'd like me to make one for you, I can do that as well. Several I've made with the person it's going to in mind and I try to chose colors/materials that seem to fit them.

Discernment

2007-07-12T23:41:00.001-07:00

I am at a place where I wish I could really know God's will for me. I was reading a forum that got into a discussion about being single, Catholic, and middle-aged. It started with a comment that someone had heard stating singles within the Church are called to either marriage or to religious life and that in not choosing either one is being selfish. The comments took off from there, and there was a lot of frustration noted by other singles. To some degree I am single by choice. I did choose to get divorced. Luckily, I was able to have that marriage annulled as well. I married for the wrong reasons to the wrong person. Since getting divorced and coming into the Church, I've tried to figure out what I'm supposed to do. I am 99% certain that I'm not called to religious life. I leave the 1% open for God's sense of humor. I feel strongly that I am called to marriage, but since I've started to participate in church, I haven't had a single date. I don't know if it's because I am seeking too much perfection or that there simply aren't any more decent single men available. I don't think it's the concept of looking for perfection because honestly, I haven't even been able to meet anyone for me to begin passing judgment on. (a little humor here) So it's not really a matter of me being selfish, perhaps it is simply not God's will. If that's the case, why do I have the desire? Why can't I accept it and leave it at that? I am open to marriage but when I look at it realistically, I often feel a sense of hopelessness. The availability of men within my age (give or take a few years) seems to be lessening every day. Sure, preferably, I would like to marry another Catholic. But at this point, I think I'd settle for someone with Christian values. I don't consider myself truly single by choice, but more by circumstance.

What gets me is the fact that I think in terms of readiness, I am more open and ready now than I've ever been before. I'm to the point where I finally "get it." I know, understand, and agree with the Church's teachings with regard to chastity and marriage. I am learning what it means to really love another. (Thanks to the fact that I'm teaching that chapter in our adult class.) I know I should be more patient, but when one is nearing the age of 40 (in a few years), it seems more unlikely that marriage is even a possibility. I know, I know. With God, all things are possible. I know this logically. I know if it's His will, it will happen. I just don't know how to reconcile that in my heart and in my head. I constantly pray for Him to take away my desire or to make it happen. I often feel guilty when I pray for myself in that way. I know that He knows my needs and will take care of me, but He still hasn't taken away that desire. In the meantime, I don't know what to do with myself. I participate in the Church. I sing in the choir, play my instrument, and attend the adult faith formation class. I don't know if that's enough or if I should be doing more. I don't know what talents I have to share. I wish there was something in our Parish for singles. Not in the sense of dating, but for support and friendship. I wouldn't say that being single is being an outcast, but in some ways it is. There isn't really any ministry for singles it seems. I shouldn't complain. I love my parish, the people, the priest, and the faith. I am in a much better place than I've ever been. It seems I'm always guilty of wanting more than I've got, however. But the main thing is that I really wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing instead of flying by the seat of my pants. I feel that I was called into this faith for a reason but I have yet to figure out what it is.

I know where all of this is coming from. I know I'm just having a moment of loneliness and it will pass. I will go a few months with no thought to any of this (when things get busy) and then during a lull it will hit me again. I think part of it is realizing that in two years, my son will be leaving to go to college and I will be absolutely alone for the first time in 18 years and it is very scary. Although I've met several people within the church, I still have very few friends.

I will just keep praying that God's will be done and that He reveals it to me sooner, rather than later... and if not, to give me the patience to wait. I wouldn't mind if you prayed for me as well.

Contentment

2007-07-08T18:04:00.001-07:00

I was sitting in Mass this morning with a smile on my face. I just felt happy to be there. I was sitting alone and I was o.k. with it. I simply felt joy being in the presence of God. I have had moments where my faith seems to weaken and I live in my own pity parties, but I rejoice in the fact that I always have this place to come back to. I loved how the Bishop put it today. He called it "recharging our spiritual batteries." Before coming into the Church, I struggled with the notion of having to go to Mass EVERY Sunday. I wasn't sure if I was up for it, but now I can't imagine missing a Sunday. It really does wonders for the soul. I can't imagine not being able to take part in the Eucharist. That in itself does wonders to keep me on the mostly straight and narrow path. I'm still not fond of confession - it's the idea of actually admitting my own imperfections, but that's a fault within me and not the Church. Despite this, I feel as though I have this new kind of wisdom. I'm finally "getting it" so to speak. Oh, I know I still have a ways to go and I know what I need to work on, but I feel very blessed to have the Church to help in that endeavor. I am starting to fit in and get to know people. I felt very privileged to be able to teach the Sunday school class today. I guess it went pretty well except that we didn't get through the entire lesson. It was pretty long though. I know that religion and church isn't for everyone, but I am truly thankful for it. It has been an amazing experience and the journey really has just begun.

I'm still working on my post regarding love, but have been sidetracked in preparing for the Sunday school lesson. I'll try to get it done in the next week. Pray for me to focus on it.

Coming soon

2007-06-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't abandoned this blog, but I am currently busy at the National Speech tournament in Wichita, KS. I am working on another lengthy post and it will take some time to write. Just wanted to give you an update and let you know that I'll be posting something in the next few days hopefully.

Is the Honeymoon Over?

2007-06-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past hour and a half re-reading this blog. I am actually quite amazed at some of the profound things I've written. I am dismayed, however, by the fact that my excitement and passion have seemed to wane. I still love being Catholic. It is a great joy to be a part of this community of faith. I have found some wonderful acquaintances and friends in my church. I am still a better person because of my faith. I just haven't been "on fire" lately and haven't written in a long time. Posts have become few and far between. I'm letting life get in the way too often it seems. My prayer life is greatly diminished and I can't remember the last time I actually spent time studying the Bible or aspects of the faith. I was doing well for a while by attending the adult faith formation classes at church, but I started having tournaments and other things happen on weekends and I'd have to go to a late Sunday evening Mass instead. I still go to Mass faithfully every weekend and I am making sure to go when I am out of town this weekend. I just can't explain why things have seemed to diminish in terms of my enthusiasm.

I think I am better when I'm more involved. As long as I have a class to participate in or choir or something "extra" it keeps me going and inspires me. Right now most of that is gone though I'm excited that class will continue this summer starting after this weekend. I know when I had RCIA weekly it helped me stay pumped up and now I find that simply attending Mass isn't enough. Perhaps I should try to go more often during the week now that school is out and get to adoration.

I don't have the answers, but at least I'm aware of my stagnation and I'm going to try to make the effort to do better. I haven't fallen into sin (other than some venial ones) but I do have some work to do on my part.

Just one of the reasons I'm Catholic

2007-06-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

My friend Bret who I've mentioned before in my posts is at the Southern Baptist Convention in San Antonio. He wrote a post about his first experience there and all the drama that went on. It seems there will continue be drama as he talks about the debates going such as the one for and against Calvinism. One of the major issues that started me on my journey into Catholicism was trying to figure out which of all the religious denominations was the "best for me" or which one of them was at least the most right. Why did we have so many off-shoots of Christianity? What made the Baptists more right than the Lutherans, or Methodists or Episcopalians? Even the Baptists don't agree any more as there are now branches of Baptists like the Southern Baptists, American Baptists, Conservative Baptists and Reformed Baptists. According to Wikipedia Baptists are represented in more than fifty separate groups. But then there are all the other denominations to consider including those claiming to be "non-denominational." According to The Christian Sourcebook, there are approximately 20-30,000 denominations, with 270 new ones being formed each year. Virtually all of these are Protestant. (Source) If all those denominations "know" the truth by revelation of the Holy Spirit, yet not all of them agree on their teachings, how does one really know the truth? Is the Holy Spirit telling one group this and another group that? How can the Holy Spirit contradict itself?
I started looking at the timelines of all these denominations. The Baptists have been around since about 1639 and Southern Baptists only since 1845. Methodists began in the 18th century while Presbyterians began around 1572. We all know that most of this began with Luther posted his 95 Theses in 1517. Luther might have had some good reasons to question things going on in the Church at the time, which ultimately led to the Church examining itself. This is what led me to realize that the oldest Christian Church was Catholic. And for over 2000 years it's teachings haven't wavered. The Church has clarified teachings and pronounced it's doctrines, but nothing has ever been changed. Although we have both the Tradition and the Bible, neither contradict one another. There have been some bad leaders and bad priests, but yet it has stood the test of time. There are no debates as to whether Mary should be venerated or whether the Eucharist really is the body and blood of Christ. Although different Parish's have different styles - the Mass is still the same. There are more traditional Churches and those that would be considered Contemporary, but regardless, it all has the same teachings from one Magisterium. And when I examined the specific teachings of the Church, I couldn't disagree with any of them. They all made sense to me and that is what ultimately led to my faith journey.
I've always had a problem with many of the basic Protestant beliefs like sola scriptura and the concept of salvation which I've written about before. I know that my friend and I don't agree in several areas of beliefs, but I hope that he realizes that I am far closer to his concept of "salvation" in the Catholic church than I ever was in the Baptist.

Interesting Thought

2007-02-12T17:49:00.000-08:00

The search for the exotic, the strange, the unusual...
has often taken the form of pilgrimages,
of turning away from the world,
the "Journey to the East",
to another country
or to a different Religion.

The great lesson from true mystics,
from the Zen monks,
and now also from...psychologists--
that the sacred is in the ordinary...
and that travel may be flight from confronting the sacred--
this lesson can be easily lost.

To be looking elsewhere for miracles
is to me a sure sign of the ignorance
that everything is miraculous.

A.H. Maslow

Yes, it's been a while.

2007-02-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

I'm still here. I'm still going to Church. I'm involved as much as I can be in the Church right now. A part of me really wants to do more, but I am so swamped with other things that I don't know how I would do it. I did get to sing this week. That has been a huge step for me. I didn't mind so much singing within a much larger group, but when there's only 4 of us, it is a bit frightening... but I do it anyways because I love it.

I was actually able to go to the adult faith formation class today which was nice. I regret not going more regularly, but the past few weekends have been very late Saturday nights with tournaments.

I still love being Catholic, but I'm in a state where I'm really just going with the flow of life right now and I'm not really growing as much as I should spiritually. But Lent is coming up and I am hoping that I will be able to get myself on track. O.k. I hope the Holy Spirit helps me get on track. I've been contemplating what I should give up and I'm at a loss. I don't know that I have anything else to give up that would really be meaningful. The only thing I know that I would have a very difficult time giving up is the internet. But it is a huge part of everything I do in both my personal life and in work. I don't think I could totally give it up, but I could force myself to limit it perhaps. I think perhaps instead of giving up something like cokes or desserts that perhaps I should devote more time to prayer and those things that will bring me closer to God. Perhaps I should commit to going to adoration, Stations of the Cross instead of focusing on what I should limit in my life. I don't know, but these are thoughts in my head right now.

Saint for 2007

2006-12-16T17:49:00.000-08:00

I was chosen by St. Francis de Sales

Get your saint of the year.

I will try to write more in blog posts later. I need to spend some time looking up information on him, but I do like this quote I found so far....

Some torment themselves in seeking means to discover the art of loving God, and do not know - poor creatures - that there is no art or means of loving Him but to love those who love Him - that is, to begin to practice those thing which are pleasing to Him.

Saint Francis de Sales

Finding Faith

2006-11-25T09:06:00.000-08:00

How does one go about developing their faith in God? Oh, I know you can pray for faith, but what happens when you pray and your faith seems to diminish? I know I probably don't pray enough or do enough to warrant an increase. I suppose desire simply isn't enough.

I do have faith in God. I believe in Him, His laws, and His will. I can certainly know that just because things don't go my way that it's probably not in God's will, but what happens when you have no idea as to what His will is? Why is it that you question your faith more in times of trouble and sadness instead of leaning more on it?

Sometimes I feel I'm still not doing enough despite going to Church multiple times a week, singing in the choir, and praying. Maybe it's simply that the "honeymoon stage" is over. Now I'm left with actually living out my faith, which I try to do, but it's difficult when you are questioning it. I don't question my belief in God or the Church. I just wonder if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I still feel that my faith is very limited. I feel like I'm overwhelmed with other responsibilities and I can't ever catch up and take the time to put more into it.

I don't expect answers and I know that I should pray more... the problem for me is the difference between knowing and actually doing.

Coincidence?

2006-10-29T19:01:00.000-08:00

We started our adult faith formation classes today. Well, it started last week, but we didn't have our books until this week. Today was a wonderful class with lots of discussion and examples and I probably talked and shared too much as always.

I noticed something quite interesting tonight. I was reading through our book that we are using for class and the author's name seemed familiar. His name is Mark Link which you may have heard of... but I never had before or so I thought. About a week ago, I checked out a book of poetry from our school library. It is an older book published around 1972, but there were several great poems in there that made me think along with scripture passages and such. I'd been thinking about posting some of them on here and sharing my thoughts about them, but you know how time just seems to slip by. Well, I knew the name was familiar and it turns out that he put together that book of poetry as well. It is a collection of a lot of poems by different authors, but he wrote some the verse as well. I thought that was really interesting. The book is called "In the Stillness is the Dancing." I think I'll try to order a used copy of it so I can have it for myself. I'll leave you with a poem that spoke to me.

I hope that I will always be for each man
what he needs me to be.
I hope that each man's death will diminish me,
but fear of my own
will never diminish my joy of life.
I hope that my love for those whom I like
will never lessen my love
for those whom I do not.
I hpe that another man's love for me
will never be a measure of my love for him.

I hope that every man will accept me as I am,
but that I never will.
I hope that I will always ask for forgiveness from others,
but will never need to be asked for my own.
I hope that I will always recognize my limitations,
but that I will construct none.
I hope that loving will always be my goal,
but that love will never be my idol.
I hope that every man will always have hope.

College student, quoted by Henri J.M. Nouwen

My Salvation

2006-10-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

I often joke with people when I talk about my journey into Catholicism that when I was a Baptist, I had been "saved" three times and Batptized twice. Regardless of my commitment to Christ and my "salvation" I always questioned it. The concept of predestination always bothered me. That is the idea that one is predestined to be saved or not. If a person had been already chosen by God to be saved, then it would happen regardless. If a person was not chosen, then there is nothing they could do to become saved. I often questioned my own salvation because although I had those moments of "accepting Christ as my personal savior" I still struggled with sin and the true desire to live a Christian life. I felt that although I wanted a relationship with Christ, I didn't know how to make myself become what I was supposed to be. I didn't understand how a person could be "saved" and still live a life of sin and still get to heaven. Protestants answer that by stating that "well, then the person probably really wasn't saved because they weren't sincere in their commitment." They contend that if salvation really happened for that person, then they will automatically live a good Christian life and have the desire in them. I know that there are often times where those "saved" take time to re-commit themselves to Christ because although they were supposedly "saved" they had moments of sinful struggles. Then there are those that realize that they were really not "saved" before but finally make the true commitment that they didn't make before.

My first experience with salvation came when I was nine years old. I was at a large Baptist church and the pastor had the typical "Alter Call" and I felt compelled to go up with the others and dedicate my life for Christ. Honestly I probably felt kind of scared because I was afraid of going to hell. But I went up and kneeled on the steps and waited patiently for someone to come talk to me... because that's what they did. And nobody came and I started to feel foolish and I think I started to cry because I was kind of scared and I didn't know what to do. Finally an adult came to talk to me and took me to a little room off the side. I can't remember really what happened exactly, but they probably talked to me about salvation and asked me if I wanted to be saved. I'm sure I said the Jesus prayer. I can't remember if it was the same day or another Sunday, but I was Baptized and I was happy that I wasn't going to hell any more. I enjoyed going to church, but eventually stopped going when we moved.

I was later "saved" again when I was 15 in high school but never made the commitment to actively attend church. Although my good friend Bret and his parents would pick me up and take me, I could never really get into it. Finally, for the third time, I was "saved" in college. For a brief time, I did make the commitment and really got into going to church. But like before, the feeling waned and I fell away from my commitment.

During that time I stopped going to church, I still believed in God but decided that perhaps I didn't believe in "religion." At one point I thought that maybe if I studied different denominations I could find one that better "fit" me, but I didn't get far with that thought. Finally after a ten+ year lapse I discovered Catholicism. Studying the faith gave me answers to the many gnawing questions I had. The more I read, the more it made sense to me. It was no longer a matter of finding a church to "fit" me, but becoming part of the one, true Church established by Christ.

A big factor in my conversion was the Catholic concept of salvation. Deep down I always had the belief that salvation wasn't a simple one time commitment, but an ongoing responsibility. The teachings of the Church confirmed that for me and I've found that I have far more confidence in my salvation now than I ever did before. To me, the protestant concept is like an easy out. One doesn't really have to work that hard to earn their place in heaven. Or it's an easy out in that if I'm predestined, then I can live however I like and then God will let me know when it's time for me to commit. I was worried that perhaps I wasn't called to be saved but am thankful now to know that all are called. The concept of free will was a big thing for me and I wrote two lengthy posts on it. If we have no free will, then what is the purpose of trying to be good? Without free will, we are merely puppets in God's hand and it won't matter how we live because he will take the puppets He likes up to heaven and condemn the others to hell. If we're supposed to build a relationship with God, we have to make the choice to do so. Even in the protestant denominations one still has to choose to be saved. And for the record, I do still believe that salvation is a gift from God, but as Father Phan said today, "We have to choose to accept that gift and keep accepting it." We can't simply accept it once and then put it on the shelf. I know that because I continue to accept God's graces, they are are working in my life. I know that my salvation is dependent on my choices and not a one time commitment. I know that for the first time, I am on the right track in building a relationship with Christ. I know that I still have a long way to go, but I am anxious and excited to be a part of the journey.

Simple, yet profound

2006-10-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

I read this on a yahoo page that is allowing people to create and submit things for a time capsule.

"I believe that if those who proclaim to follow Christ lived their lives as Christ did the world would be at peace."

One of the things that kept me away from church and religion for many years was the great amounts of hypocrisy I observed in people that called themselves "Christian." The WWJD bracelets were a big hit years ago and I still see them from time to time. Just in case you're not familiar with the logo it stands for "What Would Jesus Do?" Wearing it was to serve as a reminder that one should live their lives as Christ would. They should act and say things as Christ would. They should live as examples for others. Yet, I was amazed at people wearing those bracelets or other jewelry that would tell about the sinful things they did on weekends and hear them talking down to others or wishing bad things on those they didn't like. I became very disheartened and I knew that although I was probably as sinful as they were, I didn't attempt to proclaim my Christian status to the world. I struggled with being "good" so much that I just gave up. Overall, I was a good, moral person, but there were sins that to be frank, I enjoyed. I look back and see it as selfish behavior on my part, but I didn't want to try to live a life that I knew I couldn't. It was too hard. I didn't like being hypocritical and be one of those Sunday Christians. So I stopped going to church. I decided that if and when it was time for me to return, God would let me know. Thankfully, He reminded me about two years ago and led me home to my wonderful faith.

I now see things through different eyes it seems. Sure, there are still those that have a fair-weather faith, but I also see a great many that are devout in theirs. Instead of judging those that I saw as hyprocrites before, I pray for them and realize they struggle with sin like all of us. For some the struggle is harder than others. I know. I've been there. But with the graces I've received from God, it's easier to deal with. I am finding that I can live more Christ-like with the graces I've received as part of the Catholic Church and I continue to thank God for it. I pray that others may find the same joy and peace that I have discovered.

Nothing much to say

2006-10-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my lack of posts here. It seems I haven't had much to say. Part of it has been the fact that life has gotten busy, but also, I have been feeling a bit down and haven't had felt inspired much. And just when I needed it, Father's homily today hit home. He talked about how negativity tends to feed sin. I realized that I've been kind of down and feeling a bit sorry for myself and I realized that isn't very healthy for me in more ways than one. I'm still focusing on things that honestly have been a distraction for me and I need to stop. I still have this trust issue that I seem to have had my entire life... or since my marriage... I'm not sure which... but it has rolled over into my trust in God. I can know that God will provide for me and I can believe in Him, but sometimes I still feel that I have to do certain things. I guess my impatience has been running rampant. I need to do some heavy prayer and ask for help in letting go of those things I still want to control. That is another area that I'm still not doing so well in. Father Phan constantly preaches about how important prayer is and I can know and understand that, but getting into it is difficult for me. Honestly, my prayer life stinks. I don't make time for it and when I do pray it's the same stuff over and over. When I try to make time for it I have a very difficult time focusing and my mind tends to wander into other things.
I still have no idea what God's will for me is. I guess he isn't ready to reveal that or perhaps I'm just not listening. I sometimes feel kind of aimless. I absolutely love being a part of the Catholic Church and I KNOW that I was called to be a part of it. Now I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I'm taking part in the music ministry and attending RCIA classes again, but sometimes it seems that it's not enough. I want to learn more but I don't seem to have much time lately. I just pray that God at least gives me a few hints here and there or those nudges he gave me when I was first called to simply read about the Catholic faith. I know I've come a long way, but I also know that I have a long way to go.

Inspiring

2006-09-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

I was late to RCIA class tonight because I made goodies for the class. I was happy to see that when I got there that the tables were all full. I counted 18 people there tonight. It is very inspiring to see others that are interested in learning about the Church and are giving serious consideration to joining it. I know there will be those that don't go through the whole process, but hopefully it will at least get them to start thinking about their own faith and belief in God. I wasn't able to fully get myself involved in class tonight because of being late and worrying about the food. It turned out the food was a hit so I was happy that they didn't go away hungry. I am starting to really feel like I am a part of the parish now. I know that might seem strange since I've been going since February of 2005. I've been in the choir and participated in Mass, but now I'm starting to feel like part of the Church. I am getting to the point where I know several others... slowly, but surely. When I drove up there tonight I thought about how good it feels to have a place that is like my second home and the fact that I have this wonderful family. I don't know where I'd be without such wonderful people like my good friend Carol or Mary the choir director or so many others that have been a part of my growth in the Church. I just felt so uplifted and inspired to be involved in such a great faith and a great community of people. I pray that everyone in the RCIA class this year gets to that point and feels welcomed.

A long overdue post

2006-09-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

I do feel bad that I haven't posted much. With school starting, it is so busy. I have kind of had the funks lately, but am coming out of that. I've contemplated my purpose and God's will and still haven't come up with answers. My friend Carol told me tonight that God is trying to teach me patience and I certainly agree... but haven't quite learned the lesson yet. At least I'm trying but should try a bit more I suppose.

I am still going to Mass and still love it. On labor day weekend, I was in Albuquerque (well near it) and I went to a mission church out there. It was kind of different, but interesting. The songs were sung in Spanish so I couldn't participate much.

Tonight I went to RCIA class. I know I just went through it, but I still feel the need to keep learning. I think this time that a lot of it can really sink in. I felt very inspired being there tonight. It was a pretty full room (well, full for our church) with about 17 people there. I feel excited for the people there and I really hope that all or at least most of the stay with it and join the Church.

After class I met with one lady that had questions about annulments. She was asking them of my friend Carol who works in the tribunal office, but was kind enough to allow me to stay. We had a nice long conversation and I am very excited about her enthusiasm. I see a lot of myself in her. I will be praying for her and that her journey is as fulfilling as mine.

I was disappointed earlier this summer to learn that our priest wasn't going to be teaching an adult faith formation class. I did learn tonight, however, that some other men of the Church are trying to put together an apologetics class and I am very excited about it!

Well, that's all the updates for now. Perhaps I'll be able to start posting more again with classes happening again. Stay tuned.

Where else...

2006-08-27T16:17:00.000-07:00

...but in a Catholic Church can you have such amazing services? But first...

I went to a great session on beginning apologetics. It was very inspiring, and I really wish I could take a regular class on it. An hour wasn't ample time to cover much in the session. I did get some ideas for some other books to get. I guess I will continue self-study as I have the time. I would just be more committed to it if I had a class. I was going to go to the RCIA classes again but choir practice is going to interfere.

Before I go on about the closing Mass, I want say that there is no other church that has the unity of the Catholic church. The Eucharistic Congress brought together all of the Parishes in our diocese. Every single priest within our diocese, along with other bishops and two cardinals took part in it. People from every parish came to the celebration. Would you ever find that in a Baptist church? One of the problems I had with protestant churches is the fact that there is no unity involved. They have no authority and can basically preach whatever they want. They claim that their interpretation of the scriptures comes from the Holy Spirit. If that is true, then how can they account for all the different interpretations that occur between different denominations and even within a single denomination? I am not saying that the Holy Spirit isn't at work within the churches, but it seems that if their interpretations were indeed correct, they would be one and the same. At that is what I can count on in the Catholic Church. The Church doesn't randomly make a decision on official teachings. The teachings are based on strict accordance with both scripture and tradition. It has never waivered on its teachings. It may clarify some at times, but it has never changed. What other church can say that?

I have a friend that used to be Catholic and left the Church for a non-denominational church that is (as she calls it) more spirit-filled. Her church may be more charismatic with people raising their hands with some hip music and firey preachers, but I can't understand why someone would think a Catholic Church isn't spirit-filled. What is more spirit filled than a place that has Christ truly present in the Eucharist? I have found that the Catholic Church has been far more holy than any other church I have been to. John Henry Cardinal Newman (who was a convert from the Anglican church) stated ""To be deep in history is to cease to be a Protestant." I think if my friend truly realized what she had in the Catholic Church, then she would never have left it. I think that the reason why some people leave the Church is because they aren't properly catechized. They haven't been taught and fail to realize the wonderful gifts and blessings that are part of the Church.

Now with that being said, let me talk about the Mass. The opening song was called "Come O Spirit of God." It starts with a cantor singing the words in Latin. Then the basses and congregation come in and sing the words in Latin. Next, are the altos singing the same words in Phillipino & English, followed by the Tenors singing in Vietnamese & English. Finally the sopranos come in singing Latin. We sang the verse twice before cutting out. Then the tenors followed by the altos cut out. The song ended with the basses and congregation singing acapella. It was really beautiful. The choir then sang the song "How Beautiful" by Twila Paris. It is a gorgeous song. After that, the procession began. The brass played a fanfare as people carried banners in that represented each Parish in the Diocese. There were 50+ banners. Then the Knights of Columbus in their regalia walked in carrying their swords up high. Next, the priests from all the parishes entered followed by the dignitaries that included our Bishop as well as a few other Bishops from other areas and a Cardinal from Rome. As this was happening, the choir sang three songs with the last being a song in Latin that heralds the high priest as he enters called "Ecce Saucerdos." (Pronounced Et-cheh Sawchairdose) After singing all these songs in Latin, I think it would be interesting to learn.

The Mass took place in the coliseum which is a place that seats about 6,600. Although it wasn't filled, I would guess that we had around 3,000 people there since both sides were mostly filled as well as the floor area. It was an interesting Mass because although the major parts of it were in English, our responsoral songs were sung in Latin. The prayers for the faithful were said in English, Spanish, & Vietnamese. When the consecreation of the host occurred at the altar, all the priests went up and surrounded the Cardinal and extended their hands toward him and prayed with him during the process. I found it very moving. Then communion was distributed to all of the people present. While singing in the choir, we were getting concerned that we weren't going to get to participate, but we finally had a priest come over to our area. We sang the first communion song acapella which was called "At that first Eucharist." We then sang other songs and it took a little longer than expected so we sang an additional song that we didn't sing during the preparation of the gifts. That reminds me... during the preparation of the gifts, we had Vietnamese dancers that came up and performed a liturgical dance. They held mini flower bouquets that had a candle in the middle of it and long ribbons streaming down. The turned did a lot of mirroring of each other while in partners and made formations. It was quite charming.

The whole experience was really amazing. I wish I could have heard his homily better, though. The sound wasn't projected to our side very well. After the Mass, we were invited to a reception at a local hotel. They served fajitas which were really quite good. I am starting to meet other people within the Church slowly. I got home around 8:30 after picking up McDonald's for Josh. It had been a long weekend and so I just sat in my chair in front of the t.v. for a bit before I headed to bed around 10:30.

I am still very much happy with my choice to be a part of such a beautiful Church that is steeped in history and tradition. How I wish everyone could see it through my eyes. If you have ever had any inclination to visit a Catholic Church or have even thought about becoming Catholic, I recommend that you go to a Mass sometime. Most RCIA classes are starting this month and it is a great way to learn about the Church. You are not obligated to join when you attend classes, you just learn about the teachings of the Church and can decide if it's right for you. So don't be afraid to check it out. Catholics are really quite friendly and there will be someone that would be glad to take you through the process.

It's been a while

2006-08-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

I should be writing more, but life has gotten busy again. It really should't be an excuse. I just haven't felt inspired to write much. But some great things have been happening.

I still love being Catholic. I love going to Mass. I can't explain it and that is the beauty of it. It is truly the grace of God I receive every week in the Eucharist. I am still not even close to perfection, but I am in a much better place than I've ever been.

I have been singing in a Diocesan choir which is made of people from different parishes. It has been really cool to sing in such a large and talented group. We are singing several pieces in Latin and others that are in both Spanish and English. It's been fun but I'm probably stretching myself too thin again. We are singing at the closing Mass of the Eucharistic Congress. I am really looking forward to that. I will have the opportunity to attend a few sessions there and I am going to go to one on apologetics.

I am disappointed, however, that I won't be able to go to adult faith formation classes this year at Church. Our priest is being stretched quite thin right now and will not have time to teach it. I will probably attend the RCIA sessions again just to keep myself going and let the information sink in.

So that's all for now. It's bed time for me and I must be heading there soon.

A Moral Compass

2006-07-27T22:06:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some thinking about morals, values, ethics and the like lately. I think we all in general have a moral compass within ourselves. It does shift from time to time throughout our lives. During my marriage I think my moral compass was a bit more skewed; and now that I've come back to Church, it's found a new direction.

I have a few things I take passion in. I have a love for music, rollercoasters and learning. There have been many things, however, that I just simply haven't given much thought to... at least for a while. I wasn't sure where I stood on many social issues from time to time. I once thought that people on welfare were too lazy to get a job. But then I was on welfare and I realized that the system doesn't work to help people get off of it. I was a rare exception because I didn't want to be labeled and become part of that system. It wasn't in me to have to rely on outside assistance for survival. I used it while I finished school as a single parent, but when I was able to get off of it, I did.

I had never taken a strong stance regarding abortion or birth control either. When I found myself pregnant and alone in college I had to consider many things. Yes, abortion did have to enter my thoughts. The father of my child wanted me to have an abortion because it would be an inconvenience to him to deal with a child. (You see, I wasn't the first girl he got pregnant.) My aunt also suggested it. I took their opinions but decided I couldn't go through with it. Although at the time I felt that abortion was the right of other women, it wasn't right for me. I felt an obligation to face my mistake of getting pregnant. I did consider adoption for a while, but I decided that this child was my responsibility and I couldn't let someone else have raise him/her. It was difficult at times, but my child is the greatest blessing I could ever have. Now that I am facing some medical issues that may involve a hysterectomy, I realize that my son may very well be the only chance I ever had to have a child. So how could he ever be consider a mistake? Yes, I got pregnant in college without being married. But given the circumstances of my life after that, I never would have had the opportunity to have a child. The man I married had a vasectomy as well as several of the other men I dated. Now I am at age and with my health issues, I probably will not have any other children. If I had chosen abortion, I very well could have lived a childless life. For some people that may be o.k., but the joys and pain of motherhood are priceless. Given that idea, how can abortion ever be right? And how can birth control be acceptable? Yes, I realize that people today have sex and not all share such rigid, religious views. But if it's God's will for those children to be conceived and have a soul, then what right is it of ours to prevent it? We can be responsible and not have too many children we can't afford. We do have the ability to control our urges. There are also many people that would like to adopt children that are unwanted by their birth mothers.

I've always had a conservative moral compass in the sense that I would never steal, I can't lie (at least not very well), and I couldn't hurt or kill another person (or animal for that matter) unless my life or someone that I loved was in danger. Since I made the decision to become Catholic and be a part of this faith, I realize that my moral compass has shifted more to what I think God's desire for me would be and I am thankful for it.

Taking time to pray

2006-07-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

In the past year and a half, I have probably prayed more than I have in my life until that point. But it's still not enough. I'm guilty of often not having a regular prayer life. I'm am learning the power and need for prayer, but I still have work to do in that area.

Martin Luther has been quoted as saying “I have so much to do today that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.” Now I may not agree with some of his other thoughts and notions, but he knew the importance of prayer.

For me personally, I generally pray at night before going to bed. Yes, sometimes I fall asleep before I finish my prayers. But I have also prayed on my way to work in the mornings during my 30 minute drive. But this summer I've rarely had such drives. I do need to work on my prayer life, but more so, I need to learn to just be still sometimes and let God do the talking. I find that I'm always the one babbling on about things.

Father Phan remarked that people today are so busy. We often find ourselves with too many things to do and not enough time to do them. We tend to multi-task which isn't always a good thing - like driving down the road and putting on make-up, reading the paper or talking on the cell phone. (Or perhaps for some people doing all four at once!) When our heads are so full of other things and we're going 90 miles an hour to get xxxx done, we wear ourselves out. In order to function better, we need some down time. Even Jesus and the apostles needed it. The problem was that so many people were desperate to hear His words they hardly had time to rest. Even when they decided to take a break and tried to get away, they were met with more people.

Taking time to stop and pray is our way of recharging our body, mind, and spirit. It gives us unity and better focus. God isn't often on our to-do lists, but we need to take time for Him and remember Him. We are often overwhelmed with things and end up putting prayer on the same level as other menial tasks. We have to realize that in the scheme of things, very few things are really important. We tell ourselves that this, this, and this needs to be done and if I finish all of that, then I'll spend time in prayer. This seems illogical because we should take Martin Luther's stance, and say "I have so much to do today that I should spend some time in prayer beforehand." This way we might realize what is truly important and can ask for God's help in completing our tasks and make sure we're always mindful of Him.

The thing about prayer and talking to God is that we are tempted to forgo it because of a lack of concrete results. We often don't get answers for some time. Sometimes we pray for others and God's work in them takes time. Because we live in a world where we crave and desire immediate satisfaction, prayer is something that ends up on the bottom of our lists. But prayer should become a way of life and not a task.

Daily prayer must become a necessity for us. Prayer helps us receive God's grace and grow in His holiness. It helps us fight our temptations. It puts things into focus for us. We should strive to make prayer a routine habit. Of all habits to have, at least prayer is something beneficial.

So now that I've talked the talk, am I ready to walk the walk? I am going to make the effort to both begin and end my days in prayer. Instead of simply thanking God for getting me through another day, I will ask for His help in it.

Trust Me

2006-07-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

How many times have we heard someone say "Trust me on this" or how many times have we said it to someone else? Simple words but I've found trust is actually a complex issue. It was a huge part in the failure of my marriage. It has prevented me from accepting many people at face value. But trust is something we all have to deal with at some point in our lives. Trusting other people can be difficult especially if you've been burned before. But what about trusting God?

You'd think that as Christians, we would be able to easily put our trust in God. Why do we often find difficulty in it, then? Is it simply our human minds and nature that prevents us from being able to trust in Him completely? Is it our sinfulness? The thing is that we might never have answers for it and that is where trust comes into play. It's the ability to have complete faith without having all the answers. For someone like me that has to know how scary movies end and always wants a happy ending, it's hard to deal with at times.

Sunday's Gospel told of the apostles beginning their journey to spread the word in their travels. They were told to take nothing with them other than their staffs and sandals. For all their other needs they would have to trust in God's providence. How many of us could travel so lightly and on faith alone? Today we can't go anywhere without a cell phone. Perhaps because the apostles witnessed the miracles of Christ first-hand their faith was so strong.

Before I can continue with my discussion of the concept of trust, you must understand that it goes hand in hand with faith. A simple definition of faith is "the theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will." Many of us would like to say "of course I trust in God's will. I would do anything He asked of me." How certain are we really in saying that? Sure it's printed on our currency. In God We Trust. But honestly, do we put 100% of our trust in Him? What if He asked the same thing of us that he asked of Abraham, to sacrifice our own child? Would we question God's judgment? Would we question that it was God actually asking that of us? How many times have lunatics done things in the name of God or Allah that we know God would not command?

Fortunately, God usually doesn't ask us to do the impossible. He simply asks us to trust Him. How simple. In the homily on Sunday , Father Phan explained that trust is essential for our faith and without trust, our faith is incomplete. How true. We have to trust in Him to even begin our faith journey and there are instances along the way where sometimes our faith is tested. I liked the analogy that Father Phan gave. Trust is liking floating on water. If you fight it, you're going to sink; but if you learn to relax you just float on top. He also said that the greatest obstacle in our trust is fear. How true! I know I've been guilty of not having complete trust in God because things weren't going the way I planned or expected. We have to realize that what we may think is good for is and right is not what God has planned for us - especially those desires that are contrary to His will. Trust is abandoning our fear and leaving it in God's hands.

When I look back through my life I realize just how often God has provided for me. I often feel humbled because I certainly wasn't deserving of anything, but things always seemed to work out... even in my bleakest moments. When I found out I was pregnant in college, I wondered how I was going to manage having a child, finishing school, and pay the bills. But I managed and finished my degree. When I needed a teaching job on the step program, I applied at one school only and by chance a teacher left in the middle of the summer and a position opened up. I was always able to find affordable places to live, pay my bills, take vacations, have enough to eat, and have health coverage (or I stayed well when I didn't have insurance) etc. And God continued to provide for me even when I wouldn't give Him the time of day for about 12 years or so. Oh, I thought about Him every now and then. I even prayed once in a while... but I had given up on Church and decided I would live my life the way I want to. There were times when I called out to Him asking "Why is this happening?" or simply "Help me." Sometimes I felt I didn't get an answer, but it always came in some form. Sometimes it took me years to realize that He did indeed answer me...and sometimes it was simply "no" or "not now."

Now that I'm finally getting on the right track spiritually, I am amazed at how He provided for me despite my complete lack of faith and trust. I realize that I had to go through some of those hard knocks for a reason and all my experiences happened so that I might eventually learn from them or use them in some way. I do know that God will continue to provide for me and may continue to teach me a few lessons here and there... even when I have my doubts. I am still human and quite imperfect and when things don't go my way or when I want something that I simply cannot have, I sometimes find myself once again questioning "Why?" I hope and pray that my faith continues to increase as well as my trust in God. As Father Phan said, things may not always turn out as we want, but God knows our needs and in His divine providence, He will provide for them. So when God says "Trust me." Our answer should be a resounding "Yes, Lord!"

Still Here

2006-07-08T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm still around. I'm still going to Mass weekly and I still love being Catholic. I just haven't had much to say about it. I did have an interesting experience yesterday, however. I had two Mormons come knocking on my door yesterday. They caught me at a bad time as I was getting ready to leave to go to the movies. I was kind of abrupt with them, but I really didn't want to spend time talking to them. I told them I was Catholic and I didn't share their beliefs and that they would be wasting their time. They went on to say something after that and I told them that I was leaving in a few minutes and I didn't have time to talk to them. They departed after that. A part of me wanted to be able to converse with them but only if I felt more knowledgable. I am confident in my own beliefs about the Catholic faith. I know I still have much to learn. But I feel that I should know more about their beliefs before I get into a discussion with them. I know a little... but not enough. I know there are books out there about dealing with those that come knocking at your door like the Mormons and the J.W.'s. I just haven't had time to look into them. Of course I had big plans to get more research done this summer and look how far I've gotten. I guess there will be time for that later. I do still wish there was a class I could take on apologetics. I do study on my own when I can, but a class would help considerably. I know there are online things out there, but I need something where I physically go some place and learn lessons and am assigned homework etc. I guess it's because I'm one that has always loved being a student. I was in college for seven years. (I had a baby and changed majors) But I enjoyed taking classes. Sure, I would often wait until the last minute to write my essays but I still made mostly A's. I never made lower than a B.

Our diocese is having a Eucharistic Congress at the end of August. I guess it's basically like a local Catholic convention with guest speakers and such. I would like to go to it but I have a conflict on the second day of it. I'm also thinking of singing in the choir that is being put together for it. It just depends on when the Mass will be held on that Saturday. I think it will be interesting.

Well, it's not much of a post, but just wanted my two or three readers to know that I'm still alive and kicking.

I know, I know

2006-06-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted. I was gone for a week to the National Speech tournament in Dallas. Although I had my computer with me, the wireless internet was lousy and even if I had something to post, I couldn't do it.

I missed Mass last week because of being out of town. I looked into going to a service while in Dallas and found there was a Church less than a mile from the hotel but we had to leave too early to register for the competition and I didn't get to go. This morning I slept in because of not getting to sleep until around 2 a.m. I didn't go to the early 8:30 mass, but got up for the 11:15. A part of me didn't want to go. I felt tired and just wanted to stay in bed or in my recliner, but I made myself get ready. I knew that I would feel better after going since I always do. I was right. I was glad to be there and I especially loved singing. We had a different priest since ours is in Rome right now. He was difficult to understand as he spoke with a heavy Indian (I think) accent. I had a hard time paying attention to the homily as he seemed to go on and on and repeat himself over and over. I think the basics was that we are nothing without Christ.

I was glad to see my friend Carol afterwards. She has promised an evening in her hot tub praying the rosary and then having some wine. I am definitely going to take her up on that.

You know some people probably have issues with the idea that as Catholics we are required to attend Mass every weekend. Of course when it's impossible because of illness or other circumstances, it is o.k. and not considered to be a mortal sin. But if a person willingly makes a choice to not go to Mass, it is a major sin. I've said before how that was something I had to think about before making my commitment to join the Church. But I really "get" the importance of it now. I think that the more you are away from it, the easier it becomes to stay away. I also think that the more you go and participate, the more you grow in Christ. I now cannot imagine making an active choice to NOT go to Mass. I feel not only an obligation to go (especially on those days that I'm tired), but I want to go. It's difficult to explain the power of the sacraments to those that have never received them or to those that have received them but don't really understand what it's all about. The great thing about becoming Catholic is that it's something that you don't just jump in to. You have to study the faith. You have to be certain that you understand and can adhere to the Church's teachings. It's not a simple matter of saying a prayer and filling out a membership card. I'm still happy to be a part of this faith. I still want to know God's plan for me in it... and I do think He does have plans. I am trying to be patient. I still find myself .... perhaps concerned about my situations and I find myself praying for God to lift those burdens from me. I know He hears me and my prayers will be answered.... and in His time, not mine. It's just the time until He does answer that drives me crazy. Although I'm not ready for school to start back up again, it will be a bit of a relief since I'll be so busy that I don't have time to think about things so much.

Well, that's all for this post. I know it's not much, but I wanted to put something out there so you don't think I've fallen off the face of the earth!

Come to Jesus Moments

2006-06-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

Most people have them at some point. I had it on occasion when I was going to the Baptist church. After all, I was "saved" three times. Many people have them when they have hit rock bottom of their life and perhaps when they end up in jail or something. My son's father did that briefly after a stint in jail. (Just so you know, I never married his father so that aspect wasn't a part of our lives.) I had my doubts, however, about his sincerity. Sure enough, it was short-lived. But do people have life changing moments when it comes to religion? I would have to say yes. For many, they have a sincere conversion and they truly live a good Christian lifestyle. For others, like myself on occasion, have good intentions and want to be able to be more Christ-centered, but it generally fades. And some, I'm sure it's all a facade and they're fooling themselves and others.

I watched a show on A&E the other day about Karla Faye Tucker. She was convicted of killing two people and received the death penalty. Many of you might be familiar with the story. After she started serving jail time she went through a conversion process after a group came to do a religious presentation of sorts. Was her conversion real? Probably so given the testimony of the people around her. Ultimately her appeals processes ran out and she was executed - the first woman in Texas in a long time. Did she deserve to die? I am not certain of that. I used to have a fairly staunch view that the death penalty was quite justified. After all, it's written in the Bible. But does a person that committed the crime under the influence of drugs and then later has a true conversion process deserve it?

But what makes a true conversion? How can one know if it's real? I think the only one with that answer is God, Himself. He knows what is in our hearts. Much of my questioning when I went through my religious moments was not really knowing if my salvation was real or if I could change like I knew I should. I'm not going to dismiss the Baptists and their ways of bringing people to Christ. Certainly good work is done in all kinds of churches. And many people in all kinds of denominations live Godly lives. I know for me, however, my true conversion didn't happen until I made the decision to become Catholic. It wasn't one of those broken moments where I had no where else to turn. It was a gentle calling. Everything just seemed to come together and for the first time it all made sense to me. Although some people that have known me a long time might not say that I've changed much, but I know what kind of change has happened in me. My thought processes are different. I value different things. My moral compass has shifted. I have a desire to grow in and learn about my faith. I want to live a life in God's grace. I think that by becoming Catholic, I have that chance. Although some people thrive in other denominations, it is often short-lived it seems. I know that the sacraments I have participated in have done wonders. It's nothing I can really explain, but I know that I am different because of them.

I was so worried about about having to change myself to come back to "religion", but I don't what I was thinking. I am still me. I am just a better me.

Rambling

2006-06-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

Usually after the weekend, I have Father's homily in my mind and in my notes that I usually take and it spurs a blog entry. But I don't have that. I went to the 5:00 service on Saturday which was the first communion for the second graders. It was a very nice service and I was excited for all the children, but there was no homily. I don't have any particular thoughts to share so I may just ramble in this particular post.

I have been in a bit of a funk lately and I'm not sure why. I found myself depressed last week and I couldn't shake it so I did what usually works and spent time in prayer, reading my bible and praying the rosary. It always seems to help me feel better. I still don't have answers that I'm seeking from God and I know that He has plans for me of which I am not aware. I am trying to be patient, but it has not always been my strong suit. I want to know His will for me. I want to know if I'm meant to spend the rest of my life alone or if I will ever find the person that is what most people call their soulmate. I want to know if I'm on the right track. Sometimes I feel that I'm feeling around in the dark trying to find my way. I know God is leading me, but sometimes I just wish He'd turn on the light!

You'd think that having summers off would mean that I could or would devote more time to God and my faith. I've had great intentions for a lot of things, but haven't gotten very far. I do want to spend more time in studying the faith. I may never be a great apologist, but I really do want to learn more and be more capable in defending the faith. I wish there was a class locally that I could take in apologetics. I'd even help with it if I could, but I feel as though I'm needing something. With summer here, there's not adult faith formation classes and no RCIA. I am missing my midweek lift. Sure I could go to Mass, but I want more than that. I know everyone involved in religious education at the Church, like my friend Carol, are glad it's summer and they have a break, but this is the moment I actually have the most time to spare.

I haven't spent time making rosaries as I would like to. I'm strapped for funds at the moment but hope to do some more after next pay day. I don't know why I like making them so much. It's just relaxing and I like giving them to people that appreciate them. I've thought about selling them, but I always second guess myself about it. I think that there are so many other places you can get rosaries, so why would anyone buy one from me? I do think that they're a little more unique that some others, but I just don't know if anyone would be interested.

Well, it's time for me to get ready for summer band. Maybe I'll ramble some more later. Stay tuned.

Interesting Conversation

2006-06-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

I'm posting an excerpt of a recent conversation I had with someone that left the Catholic Church for a more "spirit-filled" experience. There was more conversation before this but I cut and pasted where it started to get interesting.

michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:32:10 PM): I think i should have taken some kind of music business i find myself getting more and more interested in music
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:32:27 PM): i want to open a christian lable
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:32:41 PM): spead the word records......what do you think
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:33:04 PM): I love music, but it's a hobby for me. I play my instrument in the summer and sometimes in church. I also sing in the choir at church.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:33:13 PM): It's o.k.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:34:04 PM): coo
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:35:00 PM): i think music is so powerful that you can make a difference in many lives if the music is powerful and possitive
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:35:12 PM): it definitely is
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:36:52 PM): so what kind of music do you enjoy
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:37:48 PM): Classical, some Christian, some country, oldies (80's)... a little bit of everything except rap - which I don't consider to be music.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:40:18 PM): lol
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:40:50 PM): i mostly listen to christian i love 80's i listen to a bit of it all i guess depends on my mood
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:41:28 PM): some Christian is o.k. but I like more traditional music like hymns.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:42:06 PM): yeah we play those from time to time
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:43:06 PM): I just don't get into all the contemporary Christian stuff (no offense if that's what you're into). That's one of the reasons I converted to the Catholic Church. I like the solemnity of it.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:43:49 PM): that is cool
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:44:18 PM): i left the catholic church cause of the teachings it still has
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:44:31 PM): old testament type things
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:45:00 PM): That's funny because I joined it for it's teachings.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:46:14 PM): When Jesus died on the cross for us he made the way for us not to have to go to the priest to confess we can go to Jesus who goes to the father on our behalf
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:47:05 PM): i really just see it as we all serve one God why must we all be so divided
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:47:18 PM): I don't want to get into theological discussions. You're right that we can confess directly to Christ, but confession serves a purpose and has it's place. I feel it makes me more accountable.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:47:43 PM): I agree... but it's the protestant churches that created the division. The Catholic Church is the original church.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:50:25 PM): it is the original church
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:50:45 PM): Do you know how the first pope became the pope
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:51:06 PM): He was appointed by Christ... the first pope was Peter.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:52:12 PM): I won't say that the Catholic Church has not had it's problems and issues with previous popes and the problems with priests etc... but it has lasted the past 2000 years and has not wavered in its teachings. No other church can say that.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:52:54 PM): i understand that
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:53:10 PM): but the teachings is what gets me
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:53:46 PM): they're all Biblical. You may not like them or agree with them, but nothing is unbiblical.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:54:46 PM): and it's consistent... too many other churches will say that a passage in the Bible means this when another says it means that... there's no consistency.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:54:56 PM): are they teachings from the old testement
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:57:35 PM): some, but not all... the Catholic Church very much believes in the concept of Christ coming and being the new covenant which means you don't have to follow all the old "rules" of the old testament... like not eating pork... if you do, then you're probably Jewish. The Catholic Church relies heavily on the New Testament and it is revered... why do you think the congregation stands when the Gospel is read? The teachings of the Old Testament has it's place, but the teachings of the Catholic Church isn't based on it alone.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:59:37 PM): mmmm
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:00:36 PM): Does the catholic church practice the laying on of hands and healings
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:01:08 PM): Not that I'm aware of, but they do believe in miracles that happen.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:01:39 PM): so you would think benny hin was all a crock
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:01:49 PM): Personally, yes.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:03:10 PM): what about the prophets people who come to minister and speak into your life
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:04:15 PM): I wouldn't call them prophets... but I do have those that have been a part of my growth in my faith... what about them?
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:04:47 PM): do think that is real or a crock
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:05:44 PM): I don't think there are prophets today. I believe God works through people, however.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:06:26 PM): Have you ever been baptized in the holy spirit
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:07:40 PM): I was Baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in the Baptist church when I was nine years old. When I was confirmed in the Catholic Church, I received the gifts of the Holy Spirit as the grace was conferred on me.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:09:23 PM): SO you dont like it when you are in church and the presence of the lord is so thick that people pass out or fall speak in tongues and recieve what is called baptized in the holy spirit when the holy spirit comes apon you .
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:11:05 PM): I don't believe in any of that... no. Speaking in tongues is a gift and if one speaks in a tongue, then there should also be an interpretation of what they are saying. I don't need what others would call a "spirit-filled" church... I find more spirit and holiness in the Catholic Church than in any other I have been to.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:12:40 PM): in the bible he reads that Jesus met with the 12 in something like an upstairs room and that JESUS breathed upon them baptizing them in the holy spirit
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:12:49 PM): yes
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:12:58 PM): and gave them the gift of tongues
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:13:03 PM): so they could understand each other
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:13:16 PM): if someone speaks in a tongue and nobody else understands them... what's the point?
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:13:26 PM): so why is it hard to believe in someone in church receiving the same gift
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:18:42 PM): Baptizing them in the spirit was to give them the grace they needed to spread the word and deal with the hardships along the way It was to speak the truth and live according to Christ's teachings. Speaking in tongues was given so they could go out and talk to others in languages that they weren't familiar with. Somebody babbling in a so-called "tongue" with not interpretation is not a gift.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:25:53 PM): Acts 2 The Holy Spirit Comes at Pentecost 1When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. 3They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. 4All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues[a] as the Spirit enabled them.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:26:14 PM): I know the passage. It was read this past Sunday.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:26:14 PM): This happen then why no now
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:26:32 PM): Because it isn't necessary now
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:26:39 PM): why not
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:28:08 PM): The purpose of tongues was for UNDERSTANDING each other. If everyone in the room speaks English... there's no need for speaking in tongues. Speaking in some "unknown" language when the spirit comes upon someone is not the gift of tongues. It is babbling.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:29:09 PM): Look.. we obviously disagree on this matter... nothing you can say or any scripture you can show me will convince me otherwise. I'm certain that I will not convince you of it's absurdity either.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:29:29 PM): in acts every one in that room spoke the same language
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:29:37 PM): but they were doing it
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:29:57 PM): But they were to be sent out as disciples.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:30:12 PM): and needed the gift to spread the word
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:30:32 PM): aren't we all disciples
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:30:44 PM): shouldn't we all spread the word
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:30:52 PM): So when you speak in tongues, who interprets?
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:31:25 PM): Why do we need tongues to spread the word?
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:31:32 PM): I can do that without it
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:32:11 PM): when we enter in the spirit during praise and some one speaks in tongues there is some with the girt of interpreting the message
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:32:25 PM): Riiighhhttt.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:33:15 PM): I am not here to upset you we just have deifferent views
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:33:27 PM): So why go on about it?
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:33:35 PM): I just said that we're not going to agree.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:33:52 PM): I believe it's a bunch of hooey.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:33:58 PM): What does the book say about being saved
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:34:18 PM): Oh geez... I'm not ready to get on the whole salvation kick.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:34:51 PM): That's the major reason I joined the Catholic Church. I did not believe that "once saved, always saved."
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:34:52 PM): lol
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:34:59 PM): Just a quick question
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:42:14 PM): that's not a very quick question
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:42:34 PM): lol
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:42:41 PM): sorry i think i wil drop it
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:43:09 PM): we could go on forever i just find it interesting what other people think
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:43:40 PM): If you want to know what I think, you can read my Catholic blog. It talks about my conversion and several faith issue questions.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:43:47 PM): www.acatholicjourney.blogspot.com
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:44:03 PM): awesome
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:44:08 PM): are you upset at me
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:44:12 PM): not at all
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:44:15 PM): i hope not
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:44:19 PM): ok good
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:44:34 PM): I'm just standing firm in my beliefs... as are you.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:44:52 PM): i am not knocking you i think you should hold true to what you believe
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:45:05 PM): I am, I will and I do.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:45:24 PM): in the end we are all saved and we will all sing praises in his kingdom
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:46:22 PM): That is true... if we live a life in God's grace and are deemed worthy when our time is up.

Perhaps this summer I'll write a post on my thoughts on salvation.

Acceptance of the Church's Teachings

2006-06-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a new blog that I've been reading, I'm going to go on a little bit of a rant. I beg your indulgence in this matter.

The blog I read referred to this article entitled The Flaming Heart - Why should gays be denied the pleasures of Catholic guilt?

First let me say that I don’t have a problem with people that choose to be gay. I also agree that in some it could very well be a part of their genetics. My sister straddled the lesbian fence for a while. I have had friends and acquaintances that have been gay. I do not judge others for their sexual orientation. I don’t have to agree with their lifestyle. I can feel personally that it is morally wrong, but it doesn’t mean that I have to bash them or sit in judgment on them.

That being said, the article did not sit well with me. It’s not that I think that gays & lesbians shouldn’t join the Church. All are welcome. But when one chooses to become Catholic, I feel that they really have to examine the teachings of the Church and decide whether or not they can accept them. I didn’t say agree, but accept. I had to do a great deal of soul searching myself. I had issues, though generally small, to deal with.

My friend, Carol, laughs at me when I tell her how the idea of having to go to Mass every week was one of my biggest hurdles. Yeah, now it seems so miniscule, but I had gotten to a point in my life that I enjoyed my lazy weekends. I liked sleeping in. I wasn’t sure if I could make myself go. I discovered that I don’t have to do that. I want to go. I feel off when I don’t go. Even on those mornings when I’m really tired and I drag myself to Mass, I am always happy that I go. I didn’t have to change, a change happened within me.

There were several other things to consider in my conversion process. Papal infallibility and other doctrines like Mary’s virginity, the Eucharist, and purgatory to name a few. I didn’t have a problem with any of these. They were all very logical and made more sense than anything I’d learned before. I did have to pause to think a little about the notion of contraception. Reading the arguments for it made sense, and I agreed with them, but it was a part of something bigger for me.

S.E.X. (Carol, you might want to skip over this paragraph) I had to come to terms with my sexuality and a kind of lifestyle to which I had somewhat grown accustomed. But first, some background. I got pregnant in college. I had my son and raised him on my own. I had a string of different relationships over the years, all of which were sexual. I finally learned my lesson and went on birth control, but I never gave up sex itself. I liked it. Then I met my now ex-husband, Richard. He opened up a much larger world in terms of sex. He was overtly sexual. It was a big deal for him. It caused a lot of stress in our marriage and eventually was part of our breakup, but I did several things in my marriage that I now regret. I went to strip clubs with my husband and other things just to try to spice up our love life in my attempts to save the marriage. It was never enough for him and I realized that we had two different sets of morals that could not be compromised. So our marriage ended. Shortly after that I had some major self-esteem issues and went on a binge of sorts. I thought that I needed to feel sexy and desired. I went out on a lot of dates many of which became sexual. I am not proud of this and it is something that am now very shameful of, but I can’t change the past.

I won’t go into more details, but suffice to say, sex was something I was going to have to have a hard time letting go. It was a bit consuming for me. After I started going to Mass and broke up with my last boyfriend, I decided I was going to try to live a more chaste life because I felt obligated. I briefly dated another guy after that and I lapsed again. But I was more conscious about it. As I got more involved with church and studied more, I realized that I had to let go of this particular side of me. I also concluded that I couldn’t change myself; I had to let God work in me and give me the strength I needed. At one point earlier this year, I finally got it. I realized that much of what I was struggling with was really a kind of selfish attitude. My choices to participate in something that was not a part of a marriage was hurtful to God. So one day I made a commitment to let it go and continued to pray for God’s strength. And He has not let me down, thus far. I even went so far as to burn some pictures that my ex-husband had taken and threw away a lot of other things that I had. It was really quite freeing.

I was making a point with all of this; I promise. My decision to become Catholic means that I have to live an honest a Christian lifestyle. I have to make an effort to be chaste. If I should marry again, I have to adhere to the Church’s teaching on contraception and use Natural Family Planning. I had to get an annulment just so that I would be eligible to get married again. The point is that if a person chooses to become Catholic, they should feel obligated to live up to its standards. Of course it doesn’t mean that we will never sin again, but we should at least try to avoid it. Luckily we have the sacrament of reconciliation when we do fail. But it shouldn’t be used as a kind of get out of jail free card. Someone that sins with the idea that all they need to do is go to confession is guilty of an even greater sin – that of presumption. To be forgiven of sins, one must have a repentant heart.

Which leads me back to the article. The author first goes into why he even chose the Catholic Church despite its “gay bashing tendencies.” I’m sure there are those in the Church that are like that, but I have found that people in the Catholic Church are far more likely to be accepting of gays and lesbians than in many other Churches. We are taught to love others regardless.

He goes on to speak about his grandmother, horror movies, and his “crush” on Christ as part of his calling into the Church. As he goes into the eroticism of the Church, however, I am quite dismayed. The Church is not without its faults and has a not so shiny history, but I wouldn’t take quite as far as the author does. The notion of a sensual Church is not something that is appealing.

One appealing aspect for him is the fact that the Catholic Church has more numbers of gays in its ranks than other denominations. For me, that is a kind of “duh” in the sense that it’s the largest group of Christians in the United States and naturally there would be more in terms of numbers. Then he goes on to comment that he is called “to forgive the church as they have been forgiven by Jesus for the same propensity toward persecution.” I think he has a lot of gall to say that it is up to him to forgive the Church for its stance on homosexuality. Being able to forgive is certainly a worthwhile quality, but to go as far to say that the Church is wrong in stating that homosexuality is morally wrong when it has been condemned by God since the days of the Old Testament is outrageous. The Church is not perfect, but unlike many other denominations, it has not waned in its teachings for the past 2000 years. He goes on to comment that other sins like abortion, birth control, masturbation and the like are just as heinous in the eyes of the Church as homosexuality. He is right and there are those that call themselves Catholic and still commit sins on regular basis like using birth control. But just like anyone else, they are culpable for their sin and their forgiveness is dependent upon their repentance. Although Jesus is certainly forgiving and has abundant love for all of us, when we consistently choose to hurt Him with our sins and only ask for forgiveness for fear of damnation, we are really being hypocritical. Being a Christian, and most especially a Catholic, means striving to do the best we can, with God’s help and sincerely asking for forgiveness when we fail. I certainly agree with what my fellow Catholic blogger posted about this article stating “Very disturbing article that shows a total contempt for AND lack of understanding of the teaching of the Church.”

I recently posted my profile on Catholicmatch.com again just for grins because I want my next relationship to be grounded in the faith and all that the Church teaches. (And there doesn’t seem to be any available men here locally.) I am still appalled by the fact that even those people that consider themselves Catholic put in their profile that they don’t agree with some of the Church’s major teachings. When a profile is filled out you answer seven faith questions. I find that several people put down that they don’t agree with the concepts of premarital sex, contraception and papal infallibility. I can perhaps see where a person is born into the faith and hasn’t had a proper upbringing might have issues with some teachings. But for someone that actually chooses to become Catholic by converting to have such problems like the fellow in the article it is quite disturbing. I don’t profess to know and understand everything about Catholicism. I am learning and growing, but because I have chosen this as my faith, I feel obligated to adhere to it.

Page Updates

2006-05-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

Now that I have had some time this summer, I am working on some page updates and my personal website. I have added a few new links on my sidebar of blogs that I enjoy reading. I also found a new group called "Catholic Converts" that I joined. If you're a convert, or considering converting, you might want to check it out.

I am also going to try to post a little more often here, but I can't make any promises. I have a lot of plans for this summer, but I'm moving pretty slowly on some of them. I do hope that I can now go to some daily masses.

So check out the new links in my sidebar and hope your summer is going well!

Missionary for Christ

2006-05-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

One of the big issues I had with being involved in the Baptist church was their upfront protocol of knocking on people's doors and quite frankly asking them if they were "saved." I felt very uncomfortable in that role. Perhaps if I had truly been "saved" then I would have not had an issue with it and been excited to share the good news of Jesus Christ!! I really thought that it was in bad taste to interrupt people's lives in that way. And honestly though some people might have become "saved" in such instances, most likely it wasn't for real because we might have seen them in church the next Sunday and then they drift away again. I was an on-again, off-again Christian of sorts. For a long time I decided I really couldn't call myself a Christian because I couldn't or wouldn't live a Christ-like life and I refused to act hypocritical about it as so many others did. That's when I stopped going to church.

Today's homily was about our calling to be witnesses for Christ. I am glad that the Catholic Church isn't quite as overt as the Baptist church. Father said that one of the best ways to share is through our lives and how we live. When we are at peace in our spirituality and we are living according to values of the Gospel of Christ we are being witnesses to others. And at times other people may want to know our "secret." That's when we can share with them because they are open to reception. When we come uninvited there's already a kind of wall built up.

Father stated that we have been commissioned by the Lord to be missionaries of the Gospel. Certainly others are called to more bold in their service by going to places where they are in danger or doing different kinds of charity work. I am still not sure what God's will for me is, but at least my heart is finally in it. Perhaps it's no more than this blog. Maybe it will affect someone that reads it. Maybe not. Perhaps it already has. I don't know and don't necessarily have to know, but I write about my experiences because I do want to share how wonderful it has been for me.

The key in all of this is having a spirit of gentleness, humility and patience. That's a big step for some people and I certainly admit it has been for me. But I am finally in a place where I am garnering those qualities (at least some of the time.) I can say for a fact that I have really changed since I started going to Mass and since becoming Catholic. For the first time I have a true love for Christ and a desire to build a relationship with Him. I am living a more honorable and pure life. I love going to Mass every week. I sat in the pew today just smiling because I was there. Although I know that I'm still growing and learning, I continue to pray that others are able to see Christ in me. My sponsor told me that in a card she gave me and it was one of the best compliments I have ever received.

I know that God has already been working in me and I'm sure He will continue to do so. In the past two years, I have had more religious conversations with my son than I ever have in my life. And perhaps it will make an impact on him. Perhaps not right away, but I think a little sinks in. I think that although he still is in a place where he isn't sure about things, he has taken an interest in my journey and I've even gotten him to Mass a few times.
When I saw Marty last week he mentioned more than once that although he's not ready for any kind of return to Church right now, it is something that has been on his mind and he has been giving it some thought. Maybe I had something to do with that or not, but I will continue to pray for him.

I often can't explain how I ended up in the Catholic Church, but I am so thankful and happy to be home. I pray that I am able to accept and do God's will whatever it may be.

Love

2006-05-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

Today's homily was about love. In the past year, I have learned a great deal about what love means. I know about the love a mother has for her child. That is an instinctive love for most. But otherwise, I am just now learning about loving others and what it entails.
I grew up in a family that I wouldn't say was stingy about love, but it was not actively shown. We never said "I love you." I know that may sound strange to others, but it was to be understood through actions and not words. Today Father Phan said that people can show love either by words or actions, but it should be shown to those that need to know it. I grew up with some resentment in my family because perhaps I didn't understand love. I resented them for not always being at band concerts or supporting me like other parents did their kids. I realize now that they did indeed love me despite their own imperfections.
I thought perhaps because of my upbringing that I might be incapable of really loving someone because although I did learn to say "I love you" to people other than my family, I still always seemed to have relationship problems. I know that I did play a part in many issues, but there's always two sides to every story.
In the homily today, Father gave the definition of love being "sincere concern for the well being of another." I think for the first time in my life I am capable of loving others. I wrote a post about forgiveness and I think that it really goes hand in hand with love. Without the ability to love, you cannot forgive. I came to a point with my ex-husband after our divorce that I had to forgive him. I wrote him a letter apologizing for the hurts I caused in our marriage and told him that despite everything that I appreciated having him in my life. It made a huge difference in things and we are now friends. I understood what forgiveness could do.
Now I'm learning that love is really a matter of being unselfish. This something that is quite a blow for me because although I hate admitting it, I have been very selfish when it came to relationships. I was in my marriage and I certainly was in my last relationship with Marty. Although I know that I had love for him, I think I didn't really love him the way I should have. I would get upset when things didn't go the way I planned or if he did something that upset me. There were many times that I look back (hindsight is always 20-20) and realize how selfish I was. He was going through so many things and I should have simply done what I could for his benefit rather than my whims. Now, I'm not saying that I was to blame for the breakup, he had his own issues to deal with. He too, didn't love me in the way that he could have. So now I accept that it wasn't meant to be for us. But the great thing is that it was our relationship that brought me in to the Church.
I am almost in a state where I am reprogramming my mind. I am learning to not have a selfish attitude. (Though I am still working on that matter.) I am learning to love others although they may be people that have hurt me or those that I don't particularly like. I have student that tends to drive me crazy in class. I find myself praying for him quite often. I pray for Marty on almost a daily basis.
It boils down to the fact that real love takes effort. It's not that happy-go-lucky feeling that happens in the beginning of relationships. It is something much deeper and if it's real, it lasts. Some things that Father Phan mentioned in his homily struck home. First, we have to realize that love is the measure of where we are in being in a state of grace. Having love for all people, even our enemies means that we are living the way that God expects of us. When we have hatred for others, we are missing the target.
Without love, we are nothing. Our love of our neighbor is what leads us to God. We should remember that it takes just as much energy to hold grudges as it does to love. We are better off simply loving as much as it may seem to hurt us in a moment. The thing is that moments pass, life goes on and we are so much better when we love rather than harbor ill will. As Christ commands, "Love one another as I have loved you." How many of us can honestly say that we have lived up to that standard?

A surprise

2006-05-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

I was with my class in the library today when another teacher came in. She is a friend of mine and she asked about this one student that we both have. He's a really good kid and she kidded by asking if I send him to the office every day. I said, yeah, he's so awful that I gave him an award for the class. (which I did, but it was an outstanding award) She then asked me if I knew what his future career plans were. I said that I didn't know and then she told me that he was thinking about becoming a priest. She then had him come tell me himself. He said that he had gone to adoration in Amarillo and it was something that just struck him. I thought that was wonderful. He's only a freshman and fifteen years old. I know that he may not end up going in that direction, but I will certainly pray for him and I think he would be a wonderful priest. I don't know if any of my readers watched the A&E series "God or the Girl" that was on a few weeks ago. This kid reminds me a lot of the character "Dan." He was the one that had dark curly hair and carried the cross for twenty miles. I think this kid's personality is kind of similar. Well, I just wanted to share that with you today.

Abandon Ship!

2006-05-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

Not really. I just have had a lot going on and haven't had time to do much posting. Although I try to stay fairly regular with my other blog, this one needs more thought so I may not post for a while. I do plan to post more regularly in the summer when I can do more research and planning. So please don't give up on this blog yet. I will return. Now that I'm officially Catholic, it is certainly not the end of my journey. I just have to get through the next few weeks at school. And yes, I am counting down the days!

Still Joyous

2006-04-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

I went to the 11:15 Mass today. I decided to sleep in since I spent 6 hours on yellow dog (school bus) yesterday. While in Church today, I kept thinking about my previous post and the people that think Mass is too long. Normal Sunday Masses in our parish run about an hour and fifteen minutes. Is that really so long? I know many people can't see the joy in a Mass where it's the same thing over and over but I still think it's because they don't understand the sacraments and the work that they do in our lives. I couldn't help but sit and smile in the pew. I love being Catholic. I love being able to tell someone "I am Catholic."
While I was at the tournament this weekend I was talking to some other coaches about flowers and I mentioned that my sister had just sent me some. When asked why, I told them it was to congratulate me on my confirmation in the Catholic Church. Another coach wanted to ask me something kind of personal she said. She wanted to know if I had a problem with the concept of confession. I told her that although it was kind of hard to do, I didn't have a problem with it. I can understand why other people have issues with it, but I know first hand the power and peace of it. She told me that she no longer went to the Catholic Church, but had been Methodist for many years. She said this past year at Easter that she very much wanted to go to confession for some reason. She said that she is now thinking about going back. I told her that she would love it if she did and that she should just go to Mass some time. While there, the secretary of the church (our tournament was held at a Methodist church) said that she couldn't help overhear and commented that she was Catholic and attended another church in town. We then talked about some other things about retreats and such. It is so nice to have these conversations just pop up. I still have yet to get into a discussion with anyone that has had a major problem with Catholicism. I've discovered that many people tend to be curious about it. It has been quite refreshing. And you know what? I've really had a desire to go back to confession. I haven't committed any mortal sins, but I think it would be nice to really get the venial sins out and to continue to get comfortable with the process itself.

Wisdom of a 15 year old

2006-04-24T21:24:00.000-07:00

My son isn't into church. It is my fault really. I didn't raise him any church because of my own issues with religion. He now considers himself agnostic. He doesn't necessarily deny the existence of God, but he isn't certain of it either. The thing about him is that he is very much like me in that things must be proven to him. He relies on logic and reasoning. Fortunately, I have always had a belief in God, I just put Him on the shelf for a number of years. Although he isn't "religious", we have had some interesting discussions and I am not sure that he will stay that way. I think something profound may have to occur before he can see God's work, but I have hope and I pray for him daily. Last year he surprised me by asking if he could go to church with me some time. His father's funeral seemed to have an impact on him and I believe he is at least curious and perhaps searching to some degree. He decided he would like to visit a variety of churches and just see how they are. He has since visited Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, and Episcopalian churches. I have never pushed him about going, but thankfully his piano teacher (who happens to be the choir director at my church) has been getting him involved in playing his clarinet. I think I have influenced him to some degree because I have answered his questions about what the Catholic faith teaches compared to other religions. He tends to agree with my viewpoint and he has commented about Catholic and Episcopal services being more reverent and holy.
He asked me the other day if people ever complained about the length of their church services. I said that sure, some do. I said that is probably why several people didn't show up to the Easter Vigil service. He said that some girls had been complaining about it being so long. Sure, it was a little over two hours, but it didn't seem like it to me at all. It was so beautiful and special. Josh then said, "Isn't going to church about worshipping God?" I replied, "Yes." He then continued, "So why should people complain about the length of their service?" I told him I didn't know. And when you think about it, it really is a good point. I think that if you're worried about how long the service is, then you're not fully participating in it. It becomes rote. It becomes a resentful obligation in some cases. And I find that sad. Is God asking too much that we give our Sundays to Him? I used to worry about whether or not I could make the commitment of giving up my Sundays for Church. I enjoyed my free time on weekends and I didn't know if I could make myself go every week. But as I started going, it has never felt like an obligation. I want to go. I feel off if I don't get to go for some reason. So now I look back and laugh because that was my only major stumbling block about coming into the Catholic Church. It now is such an insignificant thing. Josh may not be involved in religion, but he seems to get it.

First Mass Away from Home

2006-04-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

O.k. it's really less than a mile from my home Church, but since I wasn't able to attend Mass this morning, I went to the Catholic Student Center on campus. It was a little different, but interesting. Father Scott has a LOT of energy. I think he is a good person to be in place at the student center because of that. There were 3 Baptisms and a confirmation tonight. I was very happy for those coming into the Church.
I have some other posts I am pondering, but am just too tired to work on them right now. I have the day off tomorrow so I might post then.

Does it show?

2006-04-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

I have been wearing my crucifix for over a year now. Nobody in the past year has asked me about being Catholic. Perhaps it has just been assumed. But I was in a craft store today and a girl that was working the register asked me if I was Catholic. I told her yes, that I actually just came into the Church. She said she had been thinking about being Catholic and wanted to know where I attended Church. She said the only people she knew that were Catholics were Hispanic and went to Mass in Spanish. I told her that I attended St. Ann's in Canyon and it was wonderful, but if she lived in Amarillo she might try St. Thomas. She said that she lived in Canyon. I then told her that St. Ann's was wonderful and she should visit. I didn't have much time as there was someone in line behind me but told her that they also had a website. I now wished I had gotten her name. I may have to go back there and give her a more personal invitation. I don't know her personally, but I love the fact that a total stranger asked me about being Catholic. Maybe it now shows on my face, but it is certainly in my heart.

I have been watching the show on A&E called "God or the Girl" and am moved by the stories of the men that are discerning the priesthood. I think that they have actually done a very good job with the show and have kept it very tasteful. Something that one of the guys said on the show moved me tonight. He said "sometimes God is a whisper rather than a phone call or a gust of wind." That has been my life in the past year. I still wasn't certain of my choice a year ago, but that gentle calling and soft nudges led me to know His will for me at this time. I am sure that He has other great things planned for me and I pray that I am able to do whatever He asks.

More on the sacrifice of the Mass

2006-04-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

Jimmy Akin is a great Catholic apologist that really spells out much better than I an explanation of what the Mass is in regard to it being a re-presentation of Christ's sacrifice. You can read it here.

I am Home

2006-04-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

It was a wonderful evening. I can't begin to describe the happiness and joy I feel at this moment. It was wonderful from beginning to end. It was made even more special by the fact that Josh played his clarinet this evening. I also had some friends there. My friend, Kenneth, who is also Catholic came to support me. I was so happy to see him. He said he was going to go to confession so that he could participate in the Eucharist. And he did. And then my friends Patrick and Tiffany were there as well. I was so glad that they were able to come. It really meant a lot to me to have them there. My family was not able to make it. My brother had other plans and my dad and his girlfriend were sick. But I had the support of some friends and my new family of the Church.

If someone told me two years ago that some day I would be Catholic, I probably would have just laughed at them and said, "Yeah, right." I am in a completely different place, but it is where I am supposed to be. I absolutely LOVE the faith. I love everything about it. There seems to be a kind of special bond with Catholics... it's like something we just know. Even those that perhaps haven't practiced their faith in a while, there is just something about people that have been or are part of the Catholic Church. And I believe it is because of the grace received in the sacraments. Tiffany asked me tonight if I felt different and I said yes. It is not something I can really describe other than just knowing that I have come home.

My Cup Runneth Over

2006-04-15T09:53:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the show of support I have had as I take my final steps into the Catholic faith. I sent out announcements to family and friends. I didn't expect them to shower me with gifts or anything; I just wanted them to know what an important step this is for me. But many have been very generous. My aunt sent me fifty dollars and a beautiful wooden crucifix. Then there is the other aunt that sent me a rose scented rosary along with a wonderful letter and card. My friend Norma (Marty's sister-in-law) gave me a box that holds photos and two rosaries made out of rope that are quite unique. I received a card from my former mother-in-law with a note that said she wasn't sure if she would make it, but hoped to be there. My sister sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers today. I am in awe of the outpouring of support I have received.

I wasn't sure what the reactions of people would be when the learned of my decision to join the Church. I didn't make a big deal out of it, but I casually let people know. Almost everyone that learned of my decision told me how wonderful they thought it was and congratulated me. My online friend Summer just sent me an email letting me know she was thinking of me. I didn't think my dad was going to come tonight because he said he would probably be gone camping, but he called last night and asked what time it started. I think my brother may be there and I have a couple of other friends that said they would come. I only received dissent from one person, my friend Bret, but that was expected. And truth be told, he has probably helped me grow the most in the faith aside from my sponsor.

Well, it is just a few hours away and I am still quite excited. I have to say that this is the best decision I have ever made. I know that not everyone can share or understand a religious zeal, but once you really experience God's grace, you can't help but be joyous.

Moving along

2006-04-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

I have to say that things are moving so very fast and a part of me wants it to slow down a little so I can really savor it. Tomorrow is already Holy Thursday. Josh will be playing the clarinet and I will be singing in the choir.
Today I got a package in the mail. Unexpected packages are always exciting! My aunt that lives in Indiana (who I recently found out is also Catholic) sent me a rosary that smells like roses. It is very beautiful. She also sent me a card and a wonderful letter that I am definitely going to respond to when things slow down.
I have to send out a special thanks to my good friend Bret. (The Baptist preacher) I love him to death. He and I have been friends for over 20 years now. He has gotten me through some rough times and I know he has prayed for me for many, many years now. Sure, we disagree in our respective beliefs, but we have never been ugly about it. I have to thank him for the fact that he has helped me grow even more strongly in my faith. It's probably not something he would like to hear me say, but as he has questioned things and shared his concerns, it has made me really learn what the Catholic faith teaches and believes. It's not so much a defense of Catholicism as it is understanding and perhaps just setting the record straight so to speak. I check his blog daily and oftentimes it will inspire something that leads to a post on here, perhaps a quick prayer or just some personal research. The other day he linked to another blog that had a comment about praying to the saints. I won't get involved in a response about that right now (but it is good blog fodder), but it just makes me shake my head a little and pray for those that don't "get it." Sure, I think that several things that the Baptists believe in are wrong, but I think that Bret is a very fine preacher and he is very sincere and devout.
Sometimes I wished that things had "sunk in" for me back when I did attend church, because now I am finally "getting it." I am understanding what a true conversion of the soul is. I understand how people can really change. It's not just going through the motions for me. It is really a change in my thoughts, my actions, my heart and my soul. Though I didn't have a grand "Come to Jesus" moment, I have finally allowed myself to really come to Jesus.

Bible Reading

2006-04-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

I am still working my way through the Bible. I have now finished the first books (Genesis & Exodus) and am getting into Leviticus. Right now it's not very exciting as it is going on about laws and the proper way to sacrifice and sin offerings etc. I am certainly glad that Christ came as the final offering and we no longer have to offer a goat or something for our sins. Otherwise my first confession would have been quite a bloody mess! Ha-ha! It is a bit gory to read about all the things that they had to do back then. But I am still enjoying it because you can still see a lot of what goes on in the mass in the descriptions from the clothing that the priests wear and in the annointings etc. It just reminds me of how excited I am about receiving the sacrament of confirmation in a few short days.

Ever since my confession, I feel that I am in a better place in relation to God. And it's really quite simple. When we have sin in our lives we are not in God's grace. It's like talking to Him with a bad connection. But when we are cleansed through reconciliation it's like the line just clears up and He is hearing us loud and clear. Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am for the Catholic Church? It is just amazing what this journey has done for me. I am in awe of the peace, the forgiveness, and the joy that I have experienced. And the thing is.. it is only going to get better. I am still lacking in the fact that I have not been sealed by the Holy Spirit. I can't imagine what things await after Easter Vigil! God is Great!

The Lord's Supper

2006-04-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

If you have read this blog for a while (all 3 of you) then you know that I have intermittently have had a dialogue about my choice to become Catholic with a good friend of mine that is a Baptist preacher in California. He has had his concerns and I appreciate the fact that he is worried about my soul. I know, however, that I am in the right place and it is not a decision I entered into lightly at all. I believe in all the things the Church teaches and grown so much as I have taken this journey.

Last night when I got home I checked all the blogs I usually read and found that my Baptist friend had moved his to a new location. I checked it out and found his link for his sermons that can be listened to online. He had a sermon that was titled "Proper Etiquette at the Lord's Table" that I thought sounded interesting. So I listened to it. All 44 minutes. It brought back a lot of memories of sitting in his church when he lived here. He has the same voice and same style. I think it's interesting that a Baptist congregation is participating in a semblance of the Lord's Supper, but am dismayed by the fact that it is greatly misinterpreted. He made a little bit of dig in his sermon regarding what he thinks the Catholic view of communion is. I truly wish that people who chastize the Church because of our beliefs would at least learn what we really believe rather than depend on misinformation that comes from non-Catholic sources. If you want to really know and understand, then ask a Catholic.

He claimed that Catholics believe that the Lords Supper is an act of re-crucifying Christ and that it confers salvation. So I would like to set the record straight as to what the Eucharist is.

First of all it is a sacrament. Sacraments are not merely symbols as many protestants may believe. By definition they "are outward signs of inward grace, instituted by Christ for our sanctification." That means it is really something that is given by God especially the Eucharist because it IS Christ Himself. Grace is conferred by the sacraments. Grace is what helps us to act and live like Christians. So, yes, he is right in that it plays a part in our salvation. But it's not the only thing that saves us. It is just something that helps us on our path to salvation.

Just as food and drink delight and refresh the heart of man, so does this "Heavenly Bread containing within itself all sweetness" produce in the soul of the devout communicant ineffable bliss, which, however, is not to be confounded with an emotional joy of the soul or with sensible sweetness. Although both may occur as the result of a special grace, its true nature is manifested in a certain cheerful and willing fervor in all that regards Christ and His Church, and in the conscious fulfillment of the duties of one's state of life, a disposition of soul which is perfectly compatible with interior desolation and spiritual dryness. A good Communion is recognized less in the transitory sweetness of the emotions than in its lasting practical effects on the conduct of our daily lives. New Advent

The Mass is NOT re-crucifying Christ. He can only die on the cross once for us. The Mass is a re-presentation of the sacrifice that has already happened. Christ becomes present in the bread and wine... he doesn't die again. Participating by taking the Eucharist unites us with Christ and allows us to share in His saving act.

In his sermon, Bret made some good points about not participating in the Lord's Supper in an unworthy manner as it is indicated in I Corinthians. If anything, most Catholics that are strong in their faith take this very seriously. One cannot receive communion if they are not in a state of grace. Having committed any mortal sins without reconciliation is a big no-no when it comes to receiving the body and blood of Christ.

Although I know protestants disagree with the concept of the real presence of Christ, I want to make the point that when Paul speaks about proper way to approach the Lord's supper in Corinthians, he was talking to people that were really the first Catholics that did believe in it and have believed it for over 2000 years.

In less than a week now I will be able to participate in my first communion. I am glad that I am in this community of faith that knows and understands the Eucharist.

Healed

2006-04-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here crying. I think these are tears of joy in knowing that my sins are forgiven, tears of remorse for all the ways I have failed God, and simply tears of relief to have it over with.
It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had my list, I went through it rather quickly it seemed. Father talked to me about God's grace and how it is amazing that I was even there. I can say that I am walking, breathing, living proof of the incredible power of God. Just when I thought I could live life on my own terms and I didn't need God, He gently takes my hand and starts leading me home. And I am home. In a little over a week, I will be confirmed in the Church and will be able to experience the grace of the Eucharist, but in my heart I am already Catholic. In this moment I feel such an incredible holiness. For the first time since my Baptism I am completely in God's grace. A huge weight has been lifted from my soul. I truly want to serve God, I want Him to use me for His purpose. Now it's time to really get to work!

Still Nervous

2006-04-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

I am not sure that I am ready for my confession this evening. Part of me thinks I should have scheduled a specific private time with the priest. But then again, I really just want to get it over with. I know that it will be wonderful once it's all done... it's just getting to that point. I spent about an hour in prayer last night asking God to let me know all the things that I need to confess. Somehow I still feel that I haven't covered everything. I also know the things I will be telling the priest is nothing he hasn't heard before. It's just one of those things that I can certainly know that I will feel better afterwards, and know that I am not be judged by the priest, and know that it probably not going to be as bad as it seems, but it doesn't really make it easier. I am worried that my confession won't be complete. I am worried that I will take too much time. I am worried thatI am not feeling repentent enough. I do feel bad about my sins, and I know that they have separated me from God, and I am earnestly making an attempt to not sin any more, but somehow I feel it's still not enough. I can say, however, that since I have been going to mass, the urge to sin has greatly decreased. Lately, I am mostly guilty of venial sins. I just pray that things go well tonight. I pray that it will not be as bad as I expect it to be. I pray that I stop fretting over it so much. And I pray that God gives me the courage, wisdom and the words to make a truly complete confession.

Confession

2006-04-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

My first is coming up really soon. Tomorrow night in fact. I think I should have spent more time reflecting over my past sins than I have, but I am just overwhelmed with so many other things. I am, however, taking time tonight to get away and spend it in prayer and reflection. I do want to make a good, thorough confession. I am not sure if I feel nervous or if it's just the fact that I'm going to have to bear it all to another person. I know that priests have heard it all before and I know that it will be a great relief when it's over.... it's just everything leading up to it, you know? I have 27 years to cover. I know I can't possibly remember everything so I am going to sum it up the best that I can.
I was talking to my ex-husband last night and remarked on the fact that a great deal of the really big stuff was in the years that we were together. Things I am not proud of. Things that I thought I would have a hard time letting go. But you know what? I finally realize that I can truly do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Go figure.
Tonight I am going to make a list of those things I can remember and take my "cheat sheet" with me tomorrow. I am not sure what my penance might be, but I am actually, almost, sort of.. looking forward to it. It's the whole cleansing and letting go of things. It is truly healing. I am ready for my soul to be healed and be in God's grace once again.

Finished Genesis

2006-03-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

I have been reading every night before falling asleep. I find that some nights I am so engrossed that I read for 30 minutes or more. I really enjoyed the story about Joseph. Yes, I knew some of the basics like he had a coat of many colors and his brothers threw him in a well... and I had seen Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (great show by the way). But I never read the entire story. I have discovered that God seems to be very forgiving. There is a great deal of promiscuity, incest, lying, cheating and stealing; and yet God continues to bless many of those people. Since I will be going to my first confession soon, it is a relief to know that God is so forgiving.
I mailed my confirmation announcements this morning. I am thinking of going on my own personal retreat next weekend so I can spend some time in prayer and reflection. I just need some time away from home without distractions. There's always something going on. The t.v., the animals, Josh... I cannot take a private moment it seems. I didn't get to go to adoration this past Friday because I was at a speech tournament, but I hope to go this week.
Last night I was asked to be an attendant at a marriage blessing. Marty's sister-in-law (married to his brother) converted last year and finally got an annulment. Her husband's just went through as well (his was easy, he was Catholic and didn't marry within the Church). They are now planning on having their marriage blessed by a priest. I hope that perhaps her husband will consider coming back to Church at some point. He's like Marty and stopped going back in high school. I continue to pray for Marty and hope that he finds his way home one of these days.

I am fascinated

2006-03-24T05:46:00.000-08:00

I really have been reading the Bible and it's really interesting. Those stories that I vaguely knew are coming to life and some things are making sense. And other things still aren't making sense, but perhaps will put that into another post. I am up to about Genesis 26 or so.
I have two students that are performing a duo that is basically a farce of the Bible. Sure, it is a bit offensive, but it is also quite funny if you look at it in fun. Some of the things they perform in it actually are funnier and make sense because I've been reading, like the scene involving the Tower of Babel. They do the scene twice... once in English and again in Spanish and now I finally get the joke.
I don't have anything else to report today... just wanted to give you a quick update on my progress.

The Bible

2006-03-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the Bible lately. Yes, my experience the other night was quite interesting, but it's not the first time it's happened. It may be the first time, however, that I am listening to God and really making an attempt to follow His will. I took some action related to the experience which was posted in my other blog. I'm not going to go into any more details about it here, but it was a relief to let go those things.
Some denominations claim that the Bible is the only authority. They feel that all of God's instructions are in there and it is all we need for living a Christian life. I feel the Bible is indeed a great tool for living as God wants us to and is inerrant, but I am not in agreement with the concept of "sola scriptura." But that is not what this post is about either. I won't get into those reasons against it in this post. (Perhaps another time.)
I have realized that although I have had some education in the teachings of the Bible through going to church intermittently, I truly do not know it as well as I should. When I was in third grade, however, I did participate in a Bible drill contest that was pretty fun. I know some of the basic stories that most people do like Noah and the Ark, Jonah and the Whale, Psalm 23, stories of Christ and His parables like the Good Samaritan, and I can still quote a few verses here and there. But I have never completely read the Bible. I have not spent a lot of time studying it. I did briefly and have some copious notes in some of my other Bibles when I was attending church back in college, but most of it has now become pretty foggy. But since I have been going to Mass, I have heard much more of the Bible because of the readings each week. I have also enjoyed the adult faith formation class I have been attending as we have learned about the books of Luke and now John. But now I feel it is time for me to know more. Last night I decided that I am going to read the entire Bible. I know there are plans out there that take you through it in a year. I hope to finish it before then. Last night I began at the beginning with Genesis. I am not going to go into a great deal of analysis and study at this point. I simply want to read it like it was a novel and then later I can study various parts of it. Last night I was really captivated by it. I think for the first time, I will find pleasure in reading it. I didn't read long, but still managed to get to the point where Noah and his family was repopulating the earth after the flood. I am a little lost on some things and will research more at some point, but my goal right now is to read some of the Bible every night. Even if it is only a single chapter or a couple of verses.

God Speaks

2006-03-19T08:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes He uses subtle messages to prod us in the right direction. But sometimes when we ask for His guidance, He directly points something out to us. Last night as I was sitting in bed and reading my daily inspiration and daily meditation, I asked God that if there was something I really needed to know, please point it out to me. So I then go to my Bible and randomly open it. The first thing I read was 1 Corinthians 12:1-3 which reads

Now in regard to spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be unaware. You know how, when you were pagans, you were constantly attracted and led away to mute idols. Therefore I tell you that nobody speaking by the spirit of God says, "Jesus be accursed." And no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the holy Spirit.

I thought that was interesting so I randomly opened it again. This time Ephesians 5:5 is what struck me.

Be sure of this, that on immoral or impure or greedy person, that is, an idolator, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

So I decided to try it one more time and went for something in the Old Testament. Here is the passage that I read from 1 Kings 11: 4-10

When Solomon was old his wives had turned his heart to strange gods, and his heart was not entirely with the Lord, his God, as the heart of his father David had been. By adoring Astarte, the goddess of the Sidonians, and Milcom, the idol of the Ammonites, Solomon did evil in the sight of the Lord; he did not follow him unreservedly as his father David had done. Solomon then built a high place to Chemosh, the idol of Moab, and to Molech, the idol of the Ammonites, on the hill opposite Jerusalem. He did the same for all his foreign wives who burned incense and sacrificed to their gods. The Lord, therefore, became angry with Solomon, because his heart was turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice (for though the Lord had forbidden him this very act of following strange gods, Solomon had not obeyed him.)

Do we notice a pattern here? I thought o.k. ; Idols. Idolatry. I think what God is saying is that I am still letting other things come before him. So I contemplate on it a bit, say my prayers and go to sleep.

Then I go to Mass this morning. I get there early so I can spend some time in prayer and reflection. I read the first reading for today which is Exodus 20: 1-17 (The Ten Commandments) Imagine what stood out once again.

I, the Lord, am your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that place of slavery. You shall not have other gods besides me. You shall not carve idols for yourselves in the shape of anything in the sky above or on earth below or in the waters beneath the earth; you shall not bow down before them worship them.

I'm starting to really get the hint here. And can you possibly guess what Father Phan's homily was about today? I am sure it is no surprise, but he talked about the necessity of God's laws and that by following our own personal laws and standards we are lost. He used the example of the Golden Calf (and idol) and how it represents our human desires to live according to our own rules. He says we may still have a "Golden Calf" in our way when we put other things before God. He said that if you look where your heart is, there is your God.

And I admit that although I am trying to get on the right path with God, I still have other things in my life that I put before Him. And I still struggle with that. Thankfully, Father also mentioned that the remedy for all this is simply Christ. We must continue to live according to the laws of God. Obey the 10 commandments. Have a spirit of the Beattitudes. I know what I need to work on but won't air all of my dirty laundry on here. I will pray for help and guidance in the things I need to do.

The Gospel reading today was about Jesus casting out the money changers in the temple. I enjoyed Father's analogy that Lent is a wonderful season to clean house. Like Christ cleansed the Temple, we can also cleanse our souls of those things we put before God. He closed with a prayer of Trust in God. I will pray this throughout the season of Lent that I might have full faith and trust in Him. This is from Thomas Merton.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Relationships

2006-03-16T07:50:00.000-08:00

I tend to think I am not very good at relationships in general. It's more than just my failed marriage and the fact that I haven't been able to maintain most other relationships. Family doesn't count because they basically are there no matter what in most cases. But when I honestly look at my relationships, they have usually ended in some way or simply fizzled out due to inactivity, I guess. I think a lot of this comes from the fact that I also haven't had a very good relationship with Christ. Of course I have come a long way in the past year. Now I am at least attempting to get things right, but I know I am still failing.
I have never been very good with prayer. I do pray daily, but sometimes it's just the same old thing and I haven't been too good at listening. It seems I am always distracted by something. Yes, I am supposed to find a quiet place, plan some time to spend in prayer, read the Bible. I know all this, but it just doesn't happen. I have heard Him in my heart before. When I was struggling to keep my last relationship with Marty alive, I felt like God was saying "Why can't you love me like that?" And it stung, because it's true. I spent so much effort an energy on trying to keep that relationship alive that everything else, including God was on the backburner. And I knew that I had to let go of my relationship with Marty. That is one of the reasons why I finally caved and decided to take the plunge in attending Mass. At first I thought I should start going to church to help ease the pain of Marty going to Alaska. Shortly thereafter is when we broke up. Then I went to Mass just because I knew it was right. I knew I had to fix my relationship with Christ before I should even attempt another relationship. I am finally getting to a place where I know the timing isn't right and I have to stop looking for love in all the wrong places. But it's still difficult. I don't think I am meant to end up alone, and I certainly don't want to be that way, but I do need to come to a peace within myself that it will be o.k. if I am.
I was hoping that at the retreat I went to last Saturday that I'd be able to get some soul searching done and spend some time with Christ and just figure things out. We spent a lot of time talking and sharing so it didn't happen. We did spend some time in adoration but I guess it wasn't enough to really pray and contemplate. The retreat was still very nice, but it didn't accomplish what I had hoped. Perhaps I will just go on my own kind of retreat and get away from all the distractions. Just as all relationships take work, I know I am going to have to do my part. At least unlike most relationships, I know that Christ will always be there with open arms and will forgive me when I fail.

Confirmation

2006-03-13T16:57:00.000-08:00

It's going to be here in no time. I cannot believe how fast everything has been going. I have truly enjoyed this journey and am greatly looking forward to Easter Vigil. This weekend we had a retreat on Saturday that was very nice. Two sisters from a local religious institute came and spoke about the treasures of the Church. Although I didn't learn anything new, it was nice to just have the fellowship with them. We also prayed the divine mercy chaplet which was new for me. On Sunday I had the Rite of Continuing Conversion which was a very nice ceremony. Normally our Bishop performs the service, but he was out of town. The priest that did it made it very personal by sharing a bit of personal information about each person and then blessing each one of us individually. It was a nice experience. I continue to be amazed at how this journey has had an impact on my life. I know that I am still growing in the faith and in Christ, but it has been absolutely amazing for me.
Today I worked on creating my confirmation announcement. Some may think it silly that I want to send one to my friends and family given the fact that I am an adult, but for me it's a way to make it clear how important this is for me. They know that I am doing this and I haven't received any resistance in my choice (other than my Baptist friend) but I also haven't gotten a great deal of support other than a "That's nice." I'm not sure they are aware how big a deal this is for me. This is something that is more important than my wedding vows were. So the artist in me decided to do some playing in photoshop and I created an announcement card that I like. You can check it out on my website here.

Comtemplating Lent

2006-02-21T20:16:00.000-08:00

The season of Lent is coming fast. Next week is Ash Wednesday. As I have been doing a little reading on this period I have decided that there are many thoughts to ponder. Here are a few phrases that have made me stop to think.

Lent is a season of soul-searching and repentance. It is a season for reflection and taking stock.

Last year, I did not understand the true significance of Lent. I thought it was just about giving up something important so that we reflect more on Christ. Which is to a degree true, but it is and should be so much more. It should involve deep soul searching and not focusing only on denying ourselves something, but committing ourselves more in our faith with prayer.

"Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent. It is a somber day of reflection on what needs to change in our lives if we are to be fully Christians."

One of the big fears I had in coming back into what I generally called "religion" was the change that I felt I would have to make in myself to be able to call myself a Christian. What I found, though, was that I didn't have to change. A change happened in me, but it wasn't because of anything that I did. There was so much more at work and I finally understood that God can work in me and through me and it's not about what I think I can or cannot do. His will be done. Not mine. I continue to state that I am a work in progress. I always will be until I am called home. But at least I am now heading in the right direction.

Lent is a season that reminds us to repent and get our lives centered, our priorities straight, and our hearts clean.

I hope that I will take the time to really do this especially as I come into full communion with the Church. Luckily, I will be able to go through my first confession during this time. Although it is something I both look forward to and dread, I anxiously await the healing that will come from it.

I still am giving thought to what I intend to give up during this season. Although I have some ideas, I am also planning to incorporate more prayer and time with God as well. I am still amazed at how fast this journey has been. I am in awe of the changes in me and I am so very thankful for the many blessings.

Common Conversion Elements

2006-02-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

One of the forums that I read daily is the Catholic Online Forum and in particular the Converts and New Catholics thread. The other day the following was posted in regard to a common thread that is noticed in most converts to the faith. My comments are italicized after each point.

1) Few (if any) have started their conversion from some knocking on their doors handing out Catholic tracts or "witnessing".

Absolutely nobody came to me in regard to becoming Catholic or even going to Church. I just found an interest because of knowing Marty and meeting his family.

2) Researching on one's own. Seems as if a LOT of people do at least some research (if not a lot) either before they decide to convert or just after. I think Catholic bookstores must do a thriving business from people pondering entering the Catholic Church.

I did a GREAT deal of research before making the decision to convert. I started reading in Sept. 2004, emailed the local Parish in Feb. 2005 and then called in March. Although I hadn’t decided 100% at the time, it was because of the research I did that led me to that point. It was the experience of attending Mass that led me to know it was right.

3) Individual decision. Seems as if everyone's decision came from themselves and not from an open discussion with others. What I mean, is that each person genuinely reflected and prayed on this decision. And when he or she announces the decision, others are somewhat surprised.

This one is true in every sense of the word. Although I had talked to Marty about it to some degree, it was really all my own decision. And yes, several were surprised, but most seemed pleased at the decision.

4) Reverance and history. Seems many people are drawn towards the reverance of Mass. And they are also amazed at Church history. Also, they "discover" the Catholic Church was indeed established by Christ.

Again, true in every sense. I adored the tradition, the reverence and history. As I have continued to study the faith, it is all the more clear that this is the Church founded by Christ. It also makes the most sense compared to other denominations.

5) The Eucharist. Many seem not to have had so much of a keen desire for the Eucharist until they get closer to their acceptance into the Church.

The Eucharist is something that didn’t mean much to me when I first started attending. But as I have begun to understand the sacraments, it is something that I cannot wait to receive. I am not quite “giddy”, but I am getting excited!

6) Peace. Wow - it really does seem a lot of people feel inner peace.

I can’t even begin to explain the peace I have felt since coming into the Church. It is absolutely amazing. Certainly I still have worries and things to deal with, but everything seems to be so insignificant in the scheme of things. I am finally understanding and trying to follow God’s will for me and it is such a great comfort.

7) Spiritual joy. How can I describe this?

I have found true spiritual joy and I am really surprised by it. I thought of myself as so very lost and almost in a pagan state for so long. I am awed by the fact that I have been so driven in this journey. You would understand better if you knew more about my background, but let me say that it is a pleasant surprise.

8) The fight. Seems many people really struggle with themselves over this decision. And almost always there comes a time when the convert says, "OK, Lord. I'm done fighting with you."

This is the only thing that didn’t ring true for me. I have always had the mindset that when God wanted to build a relationship with me again, then He would let me know. I would have to say it was just a lot of gentle nudges that I didn’t fight, but said more or less…"O.k., I get it. This is what I am supposed to do."

9) A void or a calling. Seems as if many people have felt some sort of void or something was calling to them.

I’m not sure if I would say it was a void or calling. It really started out as simple curiosity and it snowballed. So I guess the calling was there… and sure the void was there as I had given up on religion for about 10-11 years.

And this was added by another reply.

10) Catholics who life their faith. While few have been converted by people knocking on their door, many have been converted by the personal witness of other Catholics.

My interest truly originated by the simple observation of Marty’s family and their devotion to their faith. As I have been going to Mass it has continued to grow from the wonderful people I have encountered. My sponsor, Carol, is a great inspiration to me. I am not sure if I would be where I am without her. I have also found that everyone I have met within the church have been absolutely warm, welcoming and genuine. That is why it really feels like home.

Baptist Revival

2006-02-07T19:22:00.000-08:00

My son went to a special service at the Baptist church tonight. I am not sure what brought this on, other than the promise of lots of pizza. Hey, can you blame him? He hasn't been to a Baptist service in a long time, but he thought why not see what it's about again? Before I dropped him off I told him what to expect. Preaching that they were all sinners. That all they needed to do was say this little prayer and commit to Christ and then they would be saved. Then there would be the altar call. He said he knew, but that was o.k. When I picked him up a few minutes ago he informed me that it was exactly as predicted. He went on to say that they said that one had to completely turn from sin, blah, blah, blah.. but he was disconcerted with the fact that there was no mention of continuing such a lifestyle after the magic prayer. In the car he said that he felt that Catholic and Episcopalian services seem to be far more religious that the Baptist. He didn't care for the contemporary feel of the service and the fact that they don't sing hymns. Oh, they had hymnals, but they didn't use them. He summed it up with the term unorthodox. He said that although the Catholic and Episcopal church did seem a bit "cultish" with the bowing and such, he still felt it was more reverant. Which is exactly how I feel. Well I don't think it's cultish and I explained that in a way all religions can have a cult feel in the fact that we worship Christ. It is just that the alter etc. represents Christ and that is why we bow to it. He understood.
I don't want you to think I am just bashing the Baptists. I feel there are truly righteous people within the Baptist church, like my friend Bret. And I think he is realizing that it's not about the numbers in those altar calls, but how many people actually convert themselves to a Christian life. Isn't that what it's about? Although I still have a difference of opinion on his views, I still respect him and his works. But I also know that my decision the to come home to the Catholic church is right. Not just because it "feels" right either. I know it in my mind, my heart and my soul. And I can't wait until I am in full communion with the Church.

Still Here with a question

2006-02-07T09:24:00.000-08:00

I am still here, still in RCIA, still committed to the Catholic faith and greatly looking foward to Easter Vigil. I have just be swamped with other "life" things right now and I haven't had time to blog much. I still have many things I want to write about but I have to prioritize right now and everything else is coming before blogging at the moment. I know I may lose the few readers I had, but if anyone is still reading, please be patient. I will be back soon. I do want to throw something out there though and perhaps a few people might respond... come on... you can do it.. just hit the "comment" link. It's really easy.

Would it be appropriate to send out an "announcement" of sorts in regard to my upcoming confirmation. Friends and family do know that I am converting, but I am not sure if they understand the true importance and significance of it. Any thoughts??

Neglect

2006-01-31T09:57:00.000-08:00

I am sorry for the complete neglect of this blog. Things are still very busy, but I actually have a few moments to spare... while I am eating lunch at least.
What is new you ask?

Well, I am still going to RCIA weekly and it is getting more interesting as we close in on things actually pertinent to becoming Catholic. The first several weeks were a general overview of things about which I already knew for the most part. Now as we get into the sacraments in more depth, it is more interesting and exciting. I cannot wait until Easter Vigil and I know that it will be here before I know it.

I am also still singing in the choir, such that it is. This past Sunday we had four members in it and a 5th if you include our director, but she was playing the piano and singing. It was a bit nerve-wrecking to be up there with so few. You see, I don't consider myself a singer of any sort really. I have found enjoyment in singing and wish I could sing better, but I simply want to take part in something that glorifies God. And the fact that it involves music, which is my passion, is why I stay with it. I also enjoy the social aspect in the fact that I am meeting new people and getting to know others in the church this way. For a shy person like myself, I have to take small steps, you know?

Lent is coming up soon and I have been giving thought to what I should give up during that time. Last year, although I hadn't made up my mind on even calling the church, I took a stab at practicing Lent. I gave up fast food and soft drinks. I also participated with respect to not eating meat on Fridays. I am not sure what my plans for this year are, but I am sure that God will speak to me. I do know that I plan to incorporate more prayer during the time of Lent although I know I need to incorporate it more in general. At least it's a start.

Well, I best be getting back to my lunch and getting ready for my classes. Perhaps there will be another post tonight. I will actually be able to get home at a decent hour for once.

Decisions

2006-01-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

Today's homily addressed decisions and how each decision we make impacts not only ourselves but can impact others. Father Phan used the example of Jonah and when God called him to Nineveh to tell the community to change their ways or face God's wrath. Jonah fled and didn't want to do such a task... after all the Ninevites were enemies. But eventually he heeded God's call and amazingly they turned from their evil ways and were saved.
He also used the example of the first call of the apostles. The fact that they said "yes" and followed Christ lead to our salvation. Because they continued to teach and pass on Christ's message, we have the ability to also live as Christ's followers. And once again... it was a choice that they made. It may have been part of God's ultimate plan... but they had to make the decision to say yes.
Every day we are called to respond to God's graces. And no, it is not a single moment of faith that allows us to be God's followers. Even though we may have been called into His service and made a proclamation of faith (such as in confirmation), we still have to make choices to live Christ-like lives. And we do, we are able to receive the graces of God. And once again... it's not a matter of works that allow us to be "saved" or receive graces. It is making those decisions to live according to God's standards.
The decisions we make about how we live and the choices we make impact us. Not only does it impact our final destination after we die, but it affects our lives on a daily basis. And though we may not always realize it, our lives can impact others. I am not a big proponent of going door to door and spreading the good news about Christ and asking people about their personal relationship with Christ. To me it is very invasive. I don't want people coming to my door and interrupting my life in that way and I certainly don't want to impart myself on others in that manner. But if I choose to live a holy life, then I am alrady being a witness for Christ in my actions and words. And if someone chooses to ask me about my faith, my Church, and my life, I will be glad to share it with them. And I did that just last night. My friend that was here asked me a multitude of questions about the Catholic faith and it's teachings. I answered her questions to best of my ability.
It's not that I am trying to draw people into the Church. But if someone asks me about why I have chosen this Church and what they teach, I will share it with them. It doesn't mean they are going to drop everything and start RCIA classes themselves... but perhaps it gives them something to think about. At the very least if someone sees me as a person of faith and admires the way I live, then I have at least set an example. And I've said many times before and I'll say it again. I am still a work in progress. But I have seen a great deal of progress made in the past year that I have been going to Church.
We also have to consider the fact that we don't know how we will impact others when we die. Sometimes it is when someone deals with the death of someone close to them and see how that person lived their lives andrealizes how their faith affected them, then they might just take a long, hard look at their own lives... especially if they are unbelievers or fallen from faith.
This lesson today reminded me very much of the book The Five People You Meet In Heaven. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. It isn't a complex book that is difficult to understand. It simply deals with a man's life, the end of it. It is the reflection back on the events of his life and how others impacted it and how he impacted a multitude of others... though he had never stopped to think about it. Sometimes we cannot realize those we impact even though we may have never met them in person. It could be a simple observation, something perhaps posted on a blog or maybe even a few kind words.
It is something to certainly think about, isn't it?

Maybe soon

2006-01-18T15:54:00.000-08:00

I hope to start posting again soon. I started a post on Baptism, but I didn't like it much and decided not to post it. I've been overwhelmed with stuff with school and haven't had the time, the energy or the thoughts to post here in this blog. I apologize to those of you that have faithfully checked my blog in hopes of reading something interesting.

Today wasn't a good day for me and I'm hitting a bit of depression right now. I need to spend some time in prayer... if I can find it. I promise to be back as soon as I can.

Praying the rosary

2006-01-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

I am not going to go into great details about praying the rosary. Most Catholics already understand what the rosary is and how it's prayed. Non-Catholics sometimes don't "get" the point in praying it or praying to the Saints for that matter. I, myself, am learning the beauty of it all. I'm still quite a newbie in matters of non-traditional prayers, but I am trying to make the effort in learning them. I had plans to pray the rosary a few nights ago. I found myself with a little bit of extra time (which is rare these days). So I went to bed and reached for my lovely new rosary that I got from my sponsor for Christmas. And it wasn't there. So I freak a little and can't for the life of me figure out where I put it. And just when I was ready for it. So after I only slightly tore my bedroom apart, I pray for it's return and go to bed. I got home yesterday with it on my mind and eventually I spotted it under my pile of Catholic books. Go figure.
So I prayed it last night. Something I read recently mentioned having an intention for each decade of the rosary that is prayed. So I decided to give it a whirl.

I know that God answers all prayers. Sometimes they don't happen in the timely fashion we desire. Sometimes the answer is a definte "no". And happily sometimes the answer is "yes".
One of the intentions that I prayed about last night was my 7th period class. You see, this semester I have the class from heck. I guess I complained too much about my 7th period last semester because this semester is far worse. So last night I prayed for the students in my class. I asked for peace in their hearts and that they might know that there is more to life than what their limited view is. You see I have several in this class that just have bad attitudes overall and it makes for an unpleasant day. So I prayed for them. And you know what? Today was a wonderful day during that class. They presented their poems and shields that they created and nobody was obnoxious or interrupted. One of the things they had to talk about was something they would never change their minds about and a great deal of them mentioned God or their faith... which was very refreshing. (Keep in mind that probably 75% of the community is Catholic). At the end of class I thanked and praised them for their behavior. And on the way home today it struck me that I had prayed for them.

I did have other intentions that I am certain God will answer in His time. I am thankful though that He gave me that small bit of peace today with my class. I will continue to pray for them and all my students.

Once again, I wish I could post more often in here, but things are getting so very busy again. I've taken on probably more than I can chew at the moment, but I will manage with God's help. I have several post ideas and have done some research and hope I can find time to put more thoughts down soon. So please bear with me.

RCIA Week 14

2006-01-04T19:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight was absolutely wonderful. Father Phan came and taught our class an overview of the sacraments. It was simply amazing. I have gotten a great deal more blogging material from it, but not sure when I'm going to find the time to get it down. I would love to get it going soon, but I'm finding that my thoughtful posts where I dig up information and learn as I write take a couple of hours to complete. I was able to get several things done over Christmas break simply because I had the time. Not so now that school has started again. We have a speech tournament this weekend. Perhaps I'll take my Bible, Catechism and my notes and at least sketch an outline or something.
But I did want to leave you with something so I'm going to post something I pre-wrote last January.. probably almost exactly a year ago. I'm not sure of the exact date, because it isn't dated. One of the things I bought myself last year... probably around Christmas time was two journaling books. I wanted to work on my skills and do some practice writing. One of the books was called "Loose Ends" and it was writing letters to people that you would never send to them, but the act of writing them would help you get things out that needed to be out. One of the journals was to write a letter to God. It was an interesting concept. Sure, I've prayed, but to actually write out a letter to God... that was different. So here is the letter I wrote.

Dear God:
How do you start a letter to the Almighty? I should start with my thank-you's, I guess. Thank you for my life. Sometimes I'm not appreciative enough or complain too much, but I do thank you for my existence. I hope that in some way I can make a difference and perhaps glorify you in some way - with your help, of course. Thank you for Josh. He has been a true blessing to me. Please help me to be a good mother to him. And help him find you. Let him live a happy and passionate life. Thank you for my friends and family. You've given me some wonderful people. Thank you for Marty. I pray that if it's your will for us to be together that you make it so. Thank you for my pets. They have been great companions. Please take care of Fuzzball for me. And thank you for everything else - my job, my house, my "stuff". You have always provided for me.
Normally I should get into my sins at this point, but there's not enough room. I know I haven't lived according to your standards and I'm sorry. I hope you will guide me in being a better person.
As far as my spiritual journey goes, I'm at least opening myself up for it. I've opened the door a crack, but I'm hoping you'll burst in at some point. Yes, I'm still holding myself back. I'm still afraid. But I'm trying to figure things out and do what's right. I ask that you give me a bit of a helping hand in all of this. Continue to give me the desire to learn about Catholicism, and if it's your will for me to join the Church, give me the desire, courage, and strength to do it.

I know it ends rather abruptly, but that's when I ran out of room. And God has answered my prayers. Sometimes it's not the answer I was looking for... such as in the case of Marty. But more importantly, He has guided me in my journey into the Church and for that, I am so very thankful.

My Prayer for 2006

2006-01-02T16:07:00.000-08:00

This was posted in a Dear Abby column recently and it really struck home with me. I had heard it before, I think, but didn't know it was attributed to St. Francis of Assisi. I think I will make this my prayer for this year.

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

"Where there is injury, pardon;

"Where there is doubt, faith;

"Where there is despair, hope;

"Where there is darkness, light;

"Where there is sadness, joy.

"O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

"To be understood as to understand;

"To be loved as to love.

"For it is in giving that we receive;

"It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

"It is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

Final words on Free Will

2006-01-01T12:33:00.000-08:00

O.k. now I will share my thoughts as to why I disagree with the Calvanistic view of predestination.

From my understanding, the following is the concept of pre-destination by many Protestant Churches:
1) Total Depravity - man is too sinful to ever merit salvation or choose God.
2) Unconditional Election - God saves people entirely based on His grace, not our works.
3) Limited Atonement - Christ's atonement, although satisfactory to save everyone, is only applied to the saved (i.e. elect).
4) Irrestable Grace - It is impossible to resist God when He begins tugging your soul (i.e. it is impossible to say, "no" to the internal call of salvation).
5) Perseverence of the Saints - those whom God has saved can never "unsave" themselves.

And now my two cents worth:
1) Total Depravity: The only thing about this that I agree with is the fact that man is sinful... because we are all born with original sin. However, I completely disagree with the notion that man cannot choose God. Certainly God chooses us, but to think that He only chose some, and condemns others is not a pleasing thought. If God condemns some men to hell, then he is not the benevolent, loving God as indicated in the Bible. I feel that because He gives us free will, we can certainly choose him or deny him... but it's still our choice.
2) Unconditional Election - True that we cannot save ourselves and God's grace is certainly part of our salvation, but works is also a part of it as well. If works aren't involved, then how do we become more Holy and serve Christ? We are saved because of God's grace and continue to work through our salvation with our works. Faith is indeed part of this, but it's not simply a one time profession of faith... it's ongoing... and one can certainly lose it. We must choose to accept the grace given to us by God.
3) Limited Atonement - This doesn't make sense. If Christ only died for some and not all people, what is the point in his sacrifice? I feel that God wants a relationship with ALL of His creation, even though He knows that some will not choose Him.
4) Irresistible Grace - This is where free will comes in. God certainly calls for us at certain times and He may certainly put the desire for a relationship with Him upon our hearts, but we ultimately choose to say yes to Him or not. Even in the Baptist service where they have the altar calls and people go up to give their lives over to Christ... it is still a choice that the person makes to heed the call. Consider Mary. She was called to be the mother of Christ and she accepted the task of her own free will. Sure, God knew that she'd say yes.. but she still said it on her own.
5) Perserverence of the Saints - I feel that God does call some people into service (like Mary) and they have received His unmerited Grace. But I also feel that because faith and works are involved in our salvation, one can certainly lose it and there's no guarantee that any one of us will end up in heaven. Many Christians will have a reasonable assurance because they have lived their lives in accordance to the will of God. Salvation is an ongoing process. When Catholics are asked if they are "saved" their response is I am saved, I am being saved and I hope to be saved.

One of my big problems that I had within the Baptist church with this concept of salvation was the fact that I was "saved" three times and even after all of that, I couldn't say with complete certainty that any one of those times I was assured of a place in heaven. Was my faith ever enough to earn my place in the Book of Life? And what if I wasn't one of the elect? How could I possibly know that? If the concept of pre-destination holds true, there's nothing I could do to earn everlasting life and it would happen no matter what I did. If that's the case, what would be the point of even attempting to live a Christian life? Why not simply live whatever way I chose? Because if I was going to be one of the elect, then nothing I could do would keep me from eventually being called. So I could just keep living my life of sin. When God was ready for me, He'd let me know, right? The thing is... I thought I was ready on three different occasions. Why didn't any of those "take" so to speak? What got to me the most of all in my previous church was the fact that I was questioning all of this - wondering how I could possibly know that I had true salvation etc. when one of the guys that had led me in my last salvation experience got up in front of the church and said that he really hadn't been saved. He had been bringing others to Christ, serving in a capacity as an associate pastor of the church, teaching classes and all of that and he came to the realization that he had not had a true salvation experience. How can that be? If once saved, always saved? If this guy that had been living a pretty Godly life really wasn't saved, then how could I be when I was still struggling with sin myself? So then I began to wonder if perhaps I was not one of the "elect" that was called to have a relationship with Christ. Although at times I had the desire, it was never strong enough to really devote myself to everything involved in Christian service. It was disappointing to think that no matter how much I did or didn't do, that I might not ever get to heaven.
The concept of a one-time profession of faith went out the window with the associate pastor's profession of a false salvation. If all it takes is that one moment, perhaps if I had been saved the first time when I was nine years old, nothing I could ever do would keep me out of heaven. Even if I commited the most heinous acts and sins, I would still go to heaven. The counter argument by Protestants is that if it is a "true profession of faith" then one would never commit those acts and they would be commited to Christ all of their lives. But how many people in churches all over the world stop going to church or lose faith that they thought they had? Protestants claim that works aren't necessary for salvation, but if/when one is "saved" then the works will ultimately follow. But every human act in service to God is still a choice. Even when we have the ultimate faith possible we still have to make the choice to act upon it.

It seems to me that the idea of pre-destination is really an easy way out with regard to salvation. If we are chosen, we will be called. Once we're called we can't lose it. Therefore it doesn't matter how you live. How convenient. But honestly, it takes effort every day and we still make choices to live Christian-like lives. Free will gives us that right. Hopefully we use it to choose to follow God's will for us.

What drew me into the Catholic Church and keeps me involved is that their teachings make the most sense to me. I was at first trying to figure out which of all the many denominations was at least the most right. Realizing that the Catholic Church was the original Church founded by Christ dating back to Peter made me investigate it's teachings further. As I have studied the faith (especially thanks to the questions and concerns from my Baptist friend) I have not found anything that I have questioned. I am by no means a complete expert, but I am certainly enjoying this learning experience. It has answered a lot of my questions that I've had for a very long time. So in the end, I find that as a Catholic, there is more hope with the concept of salvation. It's not an either you're in or out kind of thing... and it's not a matter of whether you're chosen or not. Because all are called by God and we must choose to follow Him.

Response Regarding My Post on Free Will

2005-12-30T10:44:00.000-08:00

My friend Bret, who is a Baptist minister in California commented on my blog regarding free will. I have been wanting to respond to it, but haven't had the time until now. His remarks are italicized.

The concept of free will is a very interesting bird. What Scriptures would you point to that specifically teach free will.

Sirach 15:14 “When God, in the beginning, created man, he made him subject to his own free choice.”

Sirach 15:20 “No man does he command to sin, to none does he give strength for lies.”

Ezekiel 18 This entire chapter speaks of man choosing either good or evil and the ramifications of that choice.

Galations 5:1 “For freedom Christ set us free; so stand firm and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery.”

Acts 7:51-53 "You stiff-necked people, uncircumised in heart and ears, you always oppose the holy Spirit; you are just like your ancestors. Which of the prophets did your ancestors not persecute? They put to death those who foretold the coming of the righteous one, whose betrayers and murderers you have now become. You recieved the law as transmitted by angels, but you did not observe it."

How does the idea of free will keep God from being the puppet of human free agency?
How can God be sovereign while still captive to the whims of humanity.

God can and does choose to act within the hearts and lives of man. He is by no means a puppet of humans. We owe our very existence to him and therefore He “remains the sovereign Master of life” (CCC 2280). Many humans choose to honor and serve Him - which pleases Him. Many do not, which is not pleasing to Him. When we look towards Him, He may very well choose to speak to our hearts by the power of the Holy Spirit or may even perform miracles, answer prayers etc. But ultimately we choose to follow Him or not. Certainly it is His desire that all should follow him. The CCC covers this better than I can in two excerpts:

302 By his providence God protects and governs all things which he has made, “reaching mightily from one end of the earth to the other, and ordering all things well.” For “all are open and laid bare to his eyes,” even those things which are yet to come into existence through the free action of creatures.

306 God is the sovereign master of his plan. But to carry it out he also makes use of his creatures' co-operation. This use is not a sign of weakness, but rather a token of almighty God's greatness and goodness. For God grants his creatures not only their existence, but also the dignity of acting on their own, of being causes and principles for each other, and thus of co-operating in the accomplishment of his plan.

If free will does not exist, then we are simply the puppets of God. If that is the case, the God is the author of sin. It would be God that causes people to do both good and evil. The concept of pre-destination would state that "if God is "absolutely" sovereign over all things, such that He decreed that Adam would fall, that he decrees who will repent and who will not.... that this view clearly makes God equally as responsable for the evil in the world and the damnation of the wicked, as it does for all the good things." (http://www.orthodoxinfo.com/inquirers/freewill.aspx)

This is a very invovled subject - an interesting one to dialogue over.

You are right. The majority of my sources came from the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) Article 3 on Man’s Freedom (1730-1748)

It is based on both scripture and the teachings of the Church. But since we already disagree on the concept of Sola Scriptura, the fact that Protestant Bibles leave out the seven Deutero-Canonical books which is part of my source citation, and the authority of Church’s teaching I am certain we cannot come to any kind of agreement in this discussion. But I do appreciate your response because it makes me delve even deeper into my beliefs. I can say I have certainly learned a great deal through your questions and concerns.

Forgiveness

2005-12-29T08:49:00.000-08:00

In one of Father Phan's sermons he preached on the seven habits of highly effective Christians. In his list, forgiveness was one of the habits. He stated that in order to be able to love, one must be able to forgive. And that means even forgiving those that do not show remorse for their actions.

Sometimes all of this in theory is easier said than done. Sometimes it takes a long time to forgive, but as a Christian we must. I didn't understand the power of forgiveness until I had to really do it.

After my failed marriage, I have to admit I was very bitter and angry towards my ex. We stayed on fairly friendly terms and the divorce was amicable, but I did harbor a grudge. I was angry at myself for many reasons, but I also wanted to place a huge pile of blame on my ex. But once I started going to Church (a year after the divorce), I realized that the anger and resentment was a burden to keep. As I went through the annulment process and had to write out many details about my marriage, I finally decided that the bitterness and anger served no purpose except it continued to hurt me. My ex had moved on and although at one point I wanted him to truly regret hurting me; I realized that it wasn't up to me to make anyone feel any other way. And I realized that wanting him to hurt was wrong, despite any amount of hurt I felt. I understood that the only person's feelings that I could be responsible for was my own. So I decided to let go of the hurt and anger and realized that what happened in our past didn't matter. I focused on the good things that came out of my marriage. It's not that I don't remember the bad stuff... but I know it doesn't serve any purpose to dwell on it. I use my knowledge to hopefully avoid future mistakes and that's it. And amazingly he and I have become good friends again. We talk from time to time as friends and it's a nice feeling.
I've discovered that if you can truly forgive, it is so freeing. It allowed me to move on. I think if I had been able to do it sooner, then my relationship with Marty might have been different. Because I think Father Phan is right.. we can't really love until we learn to forgive.

Once I learned how rewarding forgiveness is, I placed all of my burdens of dealing with others that have caused me pain into the hands of God. And there were more. Some even more painful than my marriage; but the thing is that once I was able to do this... I was also able to let go and move forward. Not forgiving keeps us anchored to our past and the only way that we can get beyond our pain is to make the decision to forgive and if you are Christian, to give it to God. It doesn't mean that we'll ever forget the pain or that we even have to become friends with those we forgive. It just frees us of the burden that we hang on to when we don't forgive.

I am still ever so thankful for this journey I am taking into the Catholic faith. It has done more for me in the past nine months than I could have ever imagined. It has allowed me to deal with the blows of life so much better. Just because I'm going to Church doesn't mean I still don't struggle... far from it... but I am simply able to deal with things better. I have realized that I don't worry so much. I have become a much happier and content person. And the peace is simply amazing. And I thank God for all of it.

A Blessed Christmas

2005-12-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

This was a very nice Christmas this year. A bit rushed, but still good. Christmas Eve Mass was simply amazing. The music was awesome and I didn't even squeak on my clarinet. I also did fairly well singing, other than an early entrance on Do You Hear What I Hear? It was two hours long when you counted the music that started at 6:30, but it didn't seem that long by any means. I still love going to Mass and was happy to have Josh be there. He asked several questions afterwards and made a similar comment that I did after my early visits to mass saying that the service itself seemed more "religious" than other churches. I think overall he enjoyed it. I don't know if he'll return, but the choir director is going to be his piano teacher starting in January so who knows where that will go.
I received two very special gifts this Christmas. My RCIA sponsor and good friend, Carol, gave me a beautiful white beaded rosary that has images of famous basilicas in the "Our Father" beads. It has been blest by both the Pope and our local Bishop. I am very pleased to have it and hope to use it soon. My sister, who I could write an entire blog about her "religion", gave me a beautiful Catholic family Bible. Although I have a strong opinion about her church, it is nice that she supports my decision to become Catholic by giving me such a beautiful Bible.
Now I'm home for a few days and perhaps I'll be able to get more posts soon.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-24T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm sure that most of you reading this blog do not need a reminder of remembering Christ as we celebrate His birth tomorrow. I can't believe it is actually tomorrow. Where has the time gone? My schedule seems to be off this week without having RCIA. We did have a choir/music rehearsal on Thursday night and I think our Christmas eve Mass is really going to be special. It will be my first Catholic Christmas and I am looking forward to it so much. I am also especially thankful that my son will be sharing in it as well. You see, my son is not what you would call religious in any way. And yes, it is my fault really. As he was growing up, I was going through my non-religious state where even I didn't know what I believed. And Josh is at an age where he is in the same boat. He considers himself agnostic at this point because he is not certain whether he believes in God or not. And that is something that may be difficult for him to overcome... but he is at least curious about it at this point. So that is a small step. After his father passed away, he asked me if he could go to church with me some time. I told him of course and would ask him if he was interested in going on various Sundays. I never pushed him. He hadn't taken me up on any offers, but I figured all I can do is pray for him. When I mentioned that I might be playing at the Christmas eve Mass, he seemed interested. And then I didn't even ask him about it, but he asked if he could play. I told him of course! So he and I will be playing tonight with some other musicians. And what a special time for him to experience a Catholic Mass! I don't expect him to know God personally any time soon, but at least I know that the Holy Spirit is doing some work in him. What a great Christmas gift!

My Apologies for lack of posts

2005-12-22T08:50:00.000-08:00

I know that there are a few regular readers stopping by to visit so I wish to apologize for not having much posted. I have some thoughts for posts, but haven't had time to get anything down as I have had a very full plate lately on top of being sick. Unlike my other blog, posts here tend to take more time and effort to produce so I don't want to throw just anything out here. So bear with me and be patient. Christmas break is here and as soon as I finish shopping, cleaning, music rehearsals and church, we'll be back to our regularly scheduled posting.

RCIA week 13

2005-12-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that I didn't take in a lot of what was discussed this week. I was so very tired. In fact, I went to bed shortly after coming home after class. However, one thing that we did talk about is our obligation to go to Mass every week. I know I posted about this at one point perhaps in my other blog, but I'm going to repeat myself here... so just bear with me.
One of the things that actually might have prevented me from coming into the Church... or so I thought, was the fact that I would have to go every week. It wasn't because of any of the Church's teachings that so many other people have obstacles with... like birth control, praying to Saints, the veneration of Mary etc. I just wasn't sure I could make that kind of commitment. But once I started going, I realized, it's not that difficult. Sure, some mornings I am tired, but I can always go to the later service at 11:15. But I find that I always get something out of Mass. I can't imagine how much better it will be when I can receive the sacrament of the Holy Eucharist, but Easter really isn't all that far away. I can understand the obligation to go every week. I think when people miss a service here and there, it just gets easier to stop going all together. At least that's what happened to me back in the day of going to the Baptist church. Sure, other factors played a part, but by not going, it was easier to just walk away.
Now I am in a state where my life revolves around the Church. I make my decisions based on whether or not I will miss Mass, RCIA class or choir rehearsal.
Sometimes I wonder whether if I will be able to keep this commitment. I know that sometimes I will get involved in things for a period and then move on to something else... but I am really thinking that this time is different. I feel God's graces and His presence and the joy I have for Him. No, I don't make a big show about it, but it is a part of me now. And I am so thankful.
In order to grow in this faith and in any faith... one has to make the commitment to go and hear the word of God and participate with the faithful others.
I find that since I've been regularly going to Mass, my life has truly changed. I don't worry nearly as much as I used to. I feel a bigger sense of peace and happiness. Have I mentioned before how much I love being part of the Catholic Church?

The truth of God cannot be silenced

2005-12-12T21:09:00.000-08:00

I found that statement by our priest in Sunday's homily to be so very true. For me personally, I realize that although I tried to push religious thoughts out of my head for a while, I never stopped thinking about God. I would still pray and ask the "whys" of my life. And I am thankful that He finally spoke up again and allowed my heart to be open to His love.
As we celebrate this season we need to remember that our joy should exist in our hearts. The outside things are nice, but decorations and gifts and such are meaningless without truth of God in our hearts. So many people only briefly remember the reason for the season. I admit that I was one of them. Only briefly thinking that yes, it is celebrating Christ's birth but it didn't have a deeper meaning.
I love the example that Father Phan gave. He compared it to the story of the Grinch. Although the Grinch felt that Christmas and it's celebration could be stifled if he took all the outside things away, he didn't realize the power of the joy in the Who's hearts. Once he discovered that it came from within, his heart was opened as well.
I kind of feel like the Grinch in a way. I feel like my heart had shrunk a bit. After all the dealings with my marriage failing, job frustrations, my mother's passing, and everything else you could pile on my plate, I wasn't very open to God or anything. But it took a special man and his family to show me that I am deserving of love. I think because of that... I was able to accept God's love. And now my heart is growing in it.
So remember... the truth of God cannot be silenced. One may put hands over their ears and shout "na, na, na, na, na"... but eventually God will get through because it is His will.

RCIA week 12

2005-12-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

This week's RCIA focused on some basic things like the liturgical calendar and traditions within the Church. But most importantly, we practiced for our Rite of Welcoming that will be this Sunday. In the service they will announce our first and middle name. We will stand and say "present". Then the priest will say some things and ask us two other questions and I know that the answers are "faith" and "eternal life". And then at some point they ask if we are ready to take the steps into the Church and we answer "I am". Then our sponsors and the congregation affirm that they will help us on the journey. After that, we'll receive a blessing from the priest and our sponsors who will cross various parts of our body (ears, eyes, mouth, shoulders, heart, and feet... I think) And then we're presented to the congregation as Catechumens... or those being instructed in the Catholic faith.
As we practiced the steps, I was excited about taking this next step. I can't explain it, but I am truly excited about becoming part of this Church. And it some ways it still doesn't make any sense but I'm certainly not questioning God. And don't get me wrong... it's not that the faith doesn't make sense... it actually makes the most sense of any faith to me. It's the fact that I even got to this point.
For example: Tonight I was looking for some of my Christmas CD's. As I was going through a stack of CD's I found another stack of Christian CD's that I had put aside a while back, because I was simply not interested in anything religious. I pretty much wanted it to be as far as possible from me. I had turned my back on it for the most part. But luckily I hadn't closed the door... or at least all the way, because God has certainly opened it and I am so elated with Catholicism. It just seems to fit. It feels right. It is exciting to me.
As I was sitting at Josh's concert tonight, a group of people sat down behind me and were having a conversation before the concert started. They were talking about going to mass today because it is a Holy Day of obligation and another guy mentioned that his father and brother-in-law had recently come into the Church. Then a lady said something like how wonderful that was and she was happy about it and how good it was for them. And I just smiled as I listened to them. I didn't recognize them and I think they went to church in either Amarillo or Umbarger, but I just couldn't help but smile. I wanted to turn around and tell them that I was in the process of coming into the Church myself, but I was a bit too shy for that. But as I get involved with Church, attend classes and mass, the more meaningful it becomes for me. And I simply can't wait! And I know time will fly by and soon it will be Easter. But I am relishing it in the meantime.
My sponsor commented on my enthusiasm during our practice. I just can't help but be excited about it. And how I wish I had more time to delve into more books and prayer and research and writing and all of that. I also want to respond to Bret's comments about my entry on free will. But it will probably have to wait until Christmas break. With class, choir practice, teaching, concerts, speech tournaments, Christmas parties, shopping, cleaning, and getting some sleep somewhere in there... I'll just have to wait for some of those things.

The Spirit of Christmas

2005-12-06T20:49:00.000-08:00

I had so many things to do tonight. I stayed late at school, got home, had to do laundry, make supper, work on lesson plans and try to find time to put up my Christmas tree. I was thinking of just not doing a tree this year, but Josh was insistent. And then I thought of putting it off until Sunday when I might have more time, but he seemed to really want it up tonight. So I relented. And I'm glad. There's nothing like getting a tree up and hanging the stockings to really put one in the Christmas spirit. I've been so caught up in all the other things in life that I've not been thinking about the real meaning of the season of Advent and Christmas. Actually, I admit that I haven't been thinking much of it for many years now. It's not that I didn't care that it was the celebration of the birth of Christ, but it's one of those things where you've distanced yourself from something for such a long time that you can't or won't really focus on it. For me it meant time off from work, making or buying gifts for people, and spending time with family. Church wasn't much in my thoughts although last year Josh and I played a clarinet duet for the Baptism of the child of my cousin. But this year already seems different. Sure, I've got to slow down enough to really focus on it, but I think it is going to be more special because I am going to celebrate it in the Catholic Church.
So despite the fact that I didn't get my lesson plans done, I'm happy that my tree is up and that I'm thinking of what this time of year should really be about. In RCIA class last week, we received a pamphlet about celebrating Christmas as a Catholic. There were a few ideas in it that I thought I'd share with you.
1. Go to Mass - It is a time to celebrate God's gift of Jesus, our savior. Although I cannot participate in the Eucharist as it mentions, I still think attending Christmas Mass will be a very special occasion. This year I may even get to play my clarinet again. We have a new choir director that mentioned an interest in instrumentalists. So I told her that I played the clarinet and perhaps I'll get to praise God through music.
2. Set up a Nativity Scene - This is something that I want to do at some point, but I don't have a one yet. I've looked here and there, but haven't found one. Some aren't just what I'm looking for and others are simply too expensive. Perhaps I'll start out simple and try to add to it each year perhaps.
3. Raise the Christmas tree - Well, we accomplished that tonight. And I do love my tree. It isn't fancy, but I've been collecting ornaments for about 15 years now. My tree has a music theme and just about all the ornaments on it are music related. Music is one of my passions and I love putting all the ornaments on the tree each year. A few years ago, I bought a mechanical Looney Tunes band that sits in the tree and actually plays music.
4. Let Lights Shine - I guess I haven't thought about candles much in my decorations, but it does make sense. I don't have an advent wreath, but perhaps that is another thing I can look to add to my Christmas decorations.
5. Exchange gifts - Most years, I try to really give from the heart. I try to make as many gifts as I can personal. Whether I make them myself or simply find something that will truly bring joy to the person I give it to. And for some reason, although I am usually on a limited budget, somehow during Christmas, I find myself with money. Last year, it was a surprise child support check. The year before, it was a generous Christmas bonus from my boss. One year, it was a refund for an insurance claim on my car. And if it doesn't happen this year, I'll manage.
6. Share a feast - If there's one thing you should know about me, I love food. Although I may be a picky eater, I still love to eat. But I also love to cook. Sharing a feast with the family has been a tradition that will always continue with us. This time of year makes me a little sad as I remember my mom's cinnamon rolls she would make Christmas morning and the amazing meal for Christmas dinner. She was a great chef. But it is also good to know that she is perhaps celebrating with all the Saints in Heaven.
So as you deal with the hustle and bustle of Christmas, enjoy the season and continue those traditions that make it special. This is a time of celebration so share it with those you love and those who are less fortunate. Remember the blessings you have; and finally, take a moment to remember the greatest gift that God gave us, Christ our Lord.

Free Will

2005-12-05T20:55:00.000-08:00

In Sunday's adult formation class we covered the first part of Christ's Passion. As we discussed things the subject of free will came up. This was in talking about Judas' choice to betray Christ. Certainly Satan entered into Judas as it is indicated in scripture and had influence on him, but ultimately it was a matter of his free will. In the same way God may inspire or influence us, but He does not make us do anything. Our choice to turn to Him or away from Him is ultimately our will. I think the in same way, Satan attempts to influence us, but if we choose sin, it is still a matter of free will on our part. We have the choice to avoid those things that are sinful, but many times our desires get in the way. Believe me. I know. I think the example of Judas is a way to look at the criticism of those Catholic priests that made bad choices. Many people blame the Church as a whole, but the Church cannot be responsible for the decisions of those men. In all likelihood, similar to Judas, Satan played a role in their demise. And ultimately, they made very bad choices of their own free will. Just as any sinner does - even those in other faiths and those with no faith.
The concept of free will is difficult to understand when Christians believe that God is all-knowing. If He knows everything that is going to happen and the choices we're going to make, how can it really be free will? The fact is that, one may know how a person will choose something, yet still leave it as their choice. For example. I can give an extra-credit assignment in my classes and I can know that a particular student will not do it because of their past choices. But I don't tell that student to not do it, but I let he or she make that choice. In the same way, God may know how we'll end up when we die, but He still ultimately lets us make the choices as we journey through our lives. Sometimes He influences or provides for us to perhaps get us toward the right path, but He never makes our decisions for us. Allowing us free will means that we can be held accountable for our actions when it comes to His judgment. After all, He made us this way as rational humans that has freedom to choose. The more we choose good, the freer we become and the more we can progress in virtue and goodness. Even though it can be difficult to understand all of this in additional to God's omniscience, I think it's simply one of the mysteries of God's being that we will never be able to fully understand.. at least while we are here on Earth.
But the good thing is that despite our bad choices we may make, God is still there and forgives us when we ask for it. But that is the key... acknowledging our failures and asking for His forgiveness. Not always an easy thing, but what a relief when we do!

RCIA week 11

2005-11-30T18:41:00.000-08:00

Tonight's session was on prayer. I have admitted numerous times that prayer is something I continue to struggle with, but I have been earnestly trying to make it a daily occurrence. I've been doing it before going to bed, but do often find that I drift asleep before concluding. But I also do it when driving by myself and when something is on my mind. I know that many non-Catholics have problems with recited prayers, but I think when done with the right frame of mind and with a focus on God, they can be just as meaningful as spontaneous prayers. I haven't prayed the rosary as much as I'd like, but it is a quite beautiful, meditative prayer.
Tonight we talked about what kind of prayers we grew up with. In the Baptist church, it was all spontaneous prayers that were made up on the spot. But even in some respects they were just as formulaic as a memorized prayer. One thing I did learn in the Baptist church was a way to earnestly pray. I heard many of those that were raised in liturgical churches (Catholic, Episcopal, and Lutheran) that the grew up only with recited prayers, but later in life learned to appreciate more conversational prayers with God. I'm glad I have had a taste of both worlds.
In the Baptist church I learned some prayer basics that I've actually retained. One must acknowledge God's greatest through praise when praying. One shouldn't just start in by asking things from God, but first give Him the acknowledgment of being our Lord. We must also ask for forgiveness of our sins so that we can fully be in His presence. Sin is separation from God; therefore, for Him to fully listen, we should ask for forgiveness. Prayer should also include thanks for the gifts He has given us. We should acknowledge His generosity and unmerited favor. And of course, we may petition our needs. But we also have to keep in mind that His answer may not be what we are expecting. I've said that one should be careful what they ask for from God, because He has a sense of humor.
I wrote a poem back then when I was in the spirit of things going to the Baptist church. Sure, it's a little cheesy, but I think it covers the basics although you'll note the Baptist flair I think.

I ask God to answer my prayer
And I know that He hears me
He will respond according to His will
I can trust Him to answer faithfully

In my prayer, I give praise to God
For everything He's done
For giving me the life I have
And for sending Christ, His son

I plead for His forgiveness
For each and every sin
They are washed by the blood of Jesus
Never to be remembered again

I ask him for the Holy Spirit
To walk with me each day
To help me in every struggle
And keep Satan far, far away

I pray that He will show me
What His plan is for me
So I can live to glorify Him
In every word and deed

I thank Him for His blessed gift
Of Jesus Christ, His Son
So I could have God in my life
For with Him, I have every battle won

In conclusion to my prayer
I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ
For He is my salvation
And the Lord of my life

Nov. 1989

So I will try to remain steadfast in prayer, especially as we enter the season of Advent. There was more I wanted to say about prayer, but it is late and I will have to continue another time.

Faster than Lightning

2005-11-29T17:06:00.000-08:00

I tend to stay on my computer throughout most evenings. Sure, sometimes I do other things like the dishes, perhaps some homework, or watching a little t.v. But I stay connected online checking email, reading other blogs, and I stay signed in to yahoo messenger. I've noticed lately that I haven't had as many random strangers trying to chat with me since I changed my profile to read 'single, not looking.' It's not that I'm not interested in a relationship, it's just I'm not trusting of meeting people online these days. I still pray that God has a plan for someone special to come into my life, and I'm trying to be patient in regard to that. Oh, yeah, I was making a point.
Tonight I had yet another random message, but did respond since he did have a profile (part of my rules for chatting). And we went through the typical cheesy conversation stuff... "where are you from?" around here "Do you have pictures?" Yes "Well, you're cute!" Thanks "What do you do for fun?" Ride rollercoasters. "Cool, anything else?" blog, watch t.v., go to church, crochet, go out to eat, movies, read, puzzles.... And for some strange reason, that ended the conversation. I'm thinking it was the statement about going to Church. Seems to scare some people off these days. But it's something I do want to put out there. If/when a new man comes into my life, he's going to have to be one to support my beliefs and be a Christian, himself... preferably Catholic. Unfortunately in my situation, the fact that I would like to meet a nice, single, Catholic guy, my chances are diminished as most of the good ones are already married. There's the slim hope that a good guy hasn't found the right girl (namely, me) yet or that he made a mistake, got divorced (and an annulment) and is available. But where to meet such guys? I have no idea. But again, I'm trying to depend on God to perhaps toss him in my path one of these days. But if a guy gets scared off in a flash because I mention that I go to Church as part of fun, well, guess it's not much of a loss, huh?

Spiritual Alertness

2005-11-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

That is what the homily was about today. The priest mentioned three ways that we can be more spiritually alert.

1. "Take five" with God. Spend at least five minutes a day spiritually with God. In prayer, in reading, in simple reflection. It's also best to do it first thing in the morning so you don't fall asleep and it is a way to jump start your day. The priest compared it to a shot of cappucino.

I admit that I could use the time with God and I need to make that time. Generally I say my prayers at night and I've found myself falling asleep before finished. I still lack focus in prayer, but I hope to do better than I have in the past.

2. Be creative. This helps the spirit stay alive and alert. Instead of buying all your Christmas presents, perhaps make some of them.

This is one thing I am already doing for the most part. One thing I have really enjoyed is making rosaries. I don't know what I'm going to do with the ones I've made... perhaps give them away or maybe even put them on ebay or something. But I also am going to be making a few of my Christmas presents this year.. not because it's cheaper, but I think it's more memorable and unique. I even have gotten some of my crochet stuff going again.

3. Stay in touch with nature. This clears our mind of the stresses of life.

This may be more difficult for me than the other two. I am not a person that is usually one with nature. Generally I try to avoid it. It's not to say I've never appreciated God's beauty in nature, but I have to say it is usually a rare thing for me. I will try to take the time to appreciate His work. (As long as there's not a lot of bugs and dirt... :)

During this season of Advent we should spend it in prayer and reflection as we prepare for the celebration of Christ's birth. Let us work on our spiritual alertness and celebrate with joy and hope this season.

Catholic "Light"

2005-11-26T16:10:00.000-08:00

I'm referring to a joke that George Carlin once made about the Episcopal Church. He called it "Catholic Light". And I guess in some respects that is true. I went with my aunt to a brief service at her church on Thanksgiving. Remember, I grew up partially attending Episcopal services while growing up, but it was interesting to view it from a Catholic perspective. I hope I do not offend anyone that is Episcopalian, I am simply noting some observations.
In many respects the service is very similar to a Catholic Mass. It starts with a processional while the congregation is singing. They bless in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. The have the Gloria (a different tune, of course) but the penitential right (I confess...) came much later in the service - shortly before communion. The have the liturgy of the word just like the Catholic Mass and I was even "volunteered" to be one of the lectors. It was no big deal and my aunt and the assistant vicar (who happened to be female) said I did a good job with it. I noticed that although they say the Nicene Creed as well, it was worded slightly different. Their general intercessions (prayers) each had a different response as opposed to "Lord, hear our prayer." The biggest thing I guess that bothered me the most about the service is the casualness of communion. I guess it's because as Catholics we believe that Christ is really present in the body and blood; but I guess in the Episcopalian church, it's only a symbolic representation. My aunt even told me that everyone was welcome to participate in communion, but I knew as a soon to be Catholic in full communion with the Church, it would not be appropriate. The fact that a woman was in the position of basically a priest role was also bothersome. I'm all for equality of women in many respects, but that is one area that it isn't appropriate. It's not to say that women don't play important roles in the Catholic Church, because they do; but I just personally feel that God's instructions are pretty clear about those that are to serve in the role of priesthood. There were a few other differences in some of their congregational responses, but in general, the service was very liturgical. I still am strong in my choice to become Catholic and feel that despite general flaws in it's history, it is the true Church founded by Christ.

Thankfulness

2005-11-23T05:52:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for so many things this year. So please indulge me.

I am thankful for my son. He is the best thing that has happened to me. I love him dearly and am so very proud of him. He is a remarkable young man.
I am thankful for my family. We're not necessarily close, but we are there for each other and we have a good time when we are together. And I'll get to spend time with all of them on Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for the Catholic Church. I am still surprised that God called me to this journey when I didn't think I was ready, but I've since realized that our plans may not be God's, but He tends to make a good call from time to time. O.k. He always does, although sometimes it takes a while for it to sink in. I love the Church and it has become home for me.
I am thankful for my friend, Carol, who has been my guide in this process. She is a wonderful lady that is a great example of the faith and I appreciate her so very much.
I am thankful for my job. It took great consideration to go back to teaching, but I think it was a wise choice. I had fear and dread about it, but it has been a pleasant surprise. And we are covered by health insurance so all the better.
I am thankful for my home. Even though I moan and complain sometimes when I have to deal with the sewer line and other issues that spring up, I have a place to live that is all mine. Although I still miss my mother, her passing (which was inevitable) made it possible for us to have a place to live.
I am thankful for my friends, in real life and online. They have been great sources of comfort and companionship.
And finally I am most thankful to God, Christ, the Holy Spirit, all the Angels and Saints for more than my words could ever express.

Although this list is not even near complete for everything that I am thankful for, these things are at the top of my mind as we enter into this holiday. May all of you that read my blog be blessed and enjoy your holiday that I hope is spent with those you cherish. God Bless.

Blog Updates

2005-11-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

As you can tell, the blog has a new look. I've learned how to do some updating within the html code... cool, huh? I've also updated my links that are on the left. Whether you are new to the faith, a practicing Catholic, or just looking for information, there are some links that might be helpful to you so take a moment to check them out. If you by chance are a regular reader of this blog, you can now sign up to receive emails when I have updated by clicking on the blogarithm link at then bottom of the sidebar on the left. I appreciate all of you that do read and I hope to have a post about the dedication ceremony at the church soon.

Last of the old blog posts

2005-11-19T15:00:00.000-08:00

This is the last of the postings from my other blog. Again, some are just paragraphs of larger posts that weren't all church related. And so this brings us to the beginning of this blog. I am grateful for this medium to voice my thoughts on this journey and thank God for all of His blessings. If you read, thank you for stopping by. I would probably post whether anyone read or not, but by knowing there are some regular readers out there, I find that I try to make more of an effort to post regularly.

Monday, May 02, 2005

I'm also working on a response to my friend from California. He sent me another email. Turns out he found my blog and I think some of the things I wrote hit him the wrong way. He apologized to me for his lack of attentiveness over the years. I sent him a short reply back stating that I wasn't upset by that or with him in any way. I understood that as people move away and move on in their lives they can't always stay in touch. I also told him that I knew he would have concerns over my conversion and that we can agree to disagree as friends. He told me some of the problems he has with the Church so I'm working on a longer response to him. This is good for me in that it's making me really understand my reasons why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Tonight I'm going to a mother's/daughter's dinner at the church. I think it will be good to be able to get to meet some of the other people in the church. Going to Mass and then leaving doesn't give me much opportunity.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

I tried to get the last two documents for my annulment, but once again Richard's bad memory has gotten in the way. (No offense Richard, just stating a point :) ) I was able to get a copy of his divorce decree from his first marriage, but there was no record of his marriage in Potter county. I tried to call him, but he wasn't accepting calls today. (I think he's in training or something) So I called his mother. She told me that they were married in Hereford. So I guess I need to head back there to get a copy of the marriage license. Once I get that I'll be ready to proceed with the annulment.
I sent a response to my friend Bret regarding his concerns about the Catholic Church. Don't know if I explained things well enough, but I still can't find any Catholic teaching that isn't explained to my satisfaction in a variety of sources. I hope to hear from him tomorrow and perhaps make plans to get together at some point. It will be good to see him again.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

I got the annulment proceedings started on my marriage to Richard. I was finally able to get all the documents needed and I took them to diocese. Now it should be a matter of two priests checking them and signing off saying "yes, this marriage was invalid because he was already married to his first wife and that marriage was never anulled and she is still living." After that is done, I'll be free to marry in the Church. Not that I have a lot of choices out there right now, but I'm starting to look.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Dual Church-going

I went to two services today. I attended Mass at 8:30 and then went to the Contemporary service at the Baptist church at 10:50. My cousin David was being recognized as a graduating senior and he wanted me to go.

It was interesting to see two different kinds of services. I wouldn't say completely night and day, but they were very different from each other. If I had to sum it up simply I would say that that the Catholic Church is more about reverance and the Baptist is more about praise. Not that one is better than the other. I feel that both are about worshipping Christ, just in different ways.

Yes, the Mass is more formulated with the prayers and recitations, but the Baptist church is quite formulaic itself. There was sitting and standing, a specific order in which songs were sung, messages preached, and money collected.

I have to say that I still feel much more at home and comfortable in the Catholic Church. Maybe I like the tradition and the solemnity of it. I've never been one to be outgoing and making a show of my faith. It's not that it's a bad thing to do it, but it's just not me. The Baptist service was full of contemporary songs that I couldn't sing because it was posted on a powerpoint, but did not have the music (notes) printed. I guess if you go for a while you know the tunes, but for me, I couldn't sing a lick of any of the songs without being able to read the music. The people were friendly enough, but I still didn't feel right at home there. I'm not chastizing the church, their beliefs or the service, but just feel it isn't right for me. I felt God was present there as He is in all churches. And I know there are truly godly people there. I'm finding though that the Catholic Church just doesn't make such a big show of it. Like I said, it's more about reverance.

Some people complain that there's a lot of sitting, standing, kneeling etc. in the Catholic church, but there's just as much in the Baptist church. At Mass the congregation stands in reverance to the reading of the Gospel of Christ and when the Eucharist becomes the Body and Blood of Christ. In the Baptist service the congregation stood for the singing. I saw those that were raising their hands in praise and were really getting into the emotion of it. I can't say one is any better than the other. But I still feel that there's more truth in the Catholic Church. Though God truly exists in both, I feel that Baptist (and in general Protestant) doctrine is still flawed. It doesn't mean that Baptists are going to hell or that only Catholics can go to Heaven.

I know my friend Bret still has his concerns over my conversion. I tried address some of those in response to an email he sent. I'm sure he still disagrees, but that's o.k. I've also had a few people IM me commenting on my decision. One saying that the Catholic Church supported Hitler and how it's the whore of Babylon etc. But then I've had those that have told me congratulations for doing so and that was coming from people who weren't Catholic themselves. But it really doesn't matter what others think because it's still my decision and I'm doing it because I feel it's right.

I've been doing some studying on the Mass and today I think I've finally gotten the responses down and have learned the Nicene Creed. I'm understanding not only what to say, but why and what is going on. Sure, some Catholics do it by rote, but for me I'm trying to think about the importance of and meaning behind what we're saying. I can't wait to start RCIA classes in the fall.

I've told people that stuff like this would not have been coming out of my mouth a year ago. I've changed quite a bit. And it's a good change. I'm still working on it and still have a ways to go, but at least I'm making progress.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Updates!!

Some exciting news! I got a letter from the diocese today stating that my marriage to Richard has been decreed invalid due to his prior bond. So that means I am free to marry in the Catholic Church should I ever find the right man... or at least a pretty darn good one.

In other news, my friend Bret has a blog. Please do go check it out if you get the chance. I think it may spark some interesting discussions (as it has already to some degree). But despite the fact that we may disagree on religious matters and what-not, Bret is still one of my very good friends. He knows me probably better than a lot of my friends and I know him pretty well. We've been friends since the mid-eighties (gosh, now I feel old). I think I'll write a blog about him at some point. (Don't worry.. it will be nice.)

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Singing in the Choir

I went to my second choir rehersal tonight. I joined the special choir that will be singing during the dedication cermonies for our new church. Tonight about half the people were missing because of the 4th of July weekend.

I really enjoy the singing, but I think I'm not very good at it. It's not so bad with a fuller group and I can hide a bit under the other voices. I need to work on learning the melodies on my own I guess. But I am slowly meeting some new people which has been nice. Everyone seems excited that I'm going to be doing RCIA in the fall. I was asked tonight who my sponsor would be. I have no idea. I really only know one person in the church and I'm not sure if she could be my sponsor because she helps with RCIA. So I don't know. I just hope I get someone I like and will be helpful to me.

Another reason I joined the choir though was the hope of perhaps working with a music ensemble at some point. I'd love to be able to play my clarinet more. And perhaps I'll get more confident in singing.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Went to Church today and found out that our priest that was planning to leave is not planning to leave and I think most people are happy about that. A few were disconcerted about it I believe but since I don't know him well I can't be judgmental (not that I should be) about the situation. But so far I like him and I guess I'm glad he's staying. After church I went to have a coke with the lady that has been guiding me through the church stuff and had a nice conversation with her.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I start RCIA tomorrow night. I'm really looking forward to it. I should write down some of the questions that have been swirling in my head from time to time, but I haven't thought about some of them for a while. I am really looking forward to learning more about the Catholic Church.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

And tonight is the first meeting for RCIA. I really want to go home and just go to bed, but I definitely do not want to miss the first meeting. So I guess I will hang on until then. But as soon as it's over, I'm going to be taking any drugs I can find and go to bed. Luckily I get to sleep in tomorrow as the training I have to go to doesn't start until 9:00.
So this will be my post for today... probably won't see me again until sometime tomorrow.

O.k. so I said you wouldn't hear from me for a while. I'm actually feeling a little better. It's very strange. I said a prayer to feel better for RCIA and you know what? I did. I still have stuff swarming around in my head and some sneezing, but was not completely miserable.

RCIA was good tonight. I was happy to see that there are about eight others that are going to go through the process. (Or at least start it) I didn't get any information that I didn't already know, but I still feel good about my choice. I am really looking forward to getting into it more. My concern right now is finding a sponsor. I have to find someone willing to go to classes with me and basically be my guide during the process. Problem is that I don't know many people within the church still. I've made a few acquaintances, but nobody I'd feel comfortable asking really.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

New Blog

I know I shouldn't. I know I should not create another blog when I have the second blog that I haven't updated in a while. But that blog is for the things that I feel I cannot post in this one. I'm discovering, however, that is not many things.

My new blog, however, is to chronicle my journey into the Catholic Church. If you're interested in following it, then please read. If not, then don't. This new blog is really for myself and to track my progress as I am taking these steps.

April 2004 Revisited

2005-11-17T16:14:00.000-08:00

Wow! Two blog posts in one day. I'm posting my previous entries from April. You can really tell how much more I grew into Catholicism. I know much of it stemmed from dealing with the break up of Marty. (If you haven't read my other blog regularly or know about the situation, you'd have to go back several months reading to understand.) But it was mostly by God's grace and I could see that better I think because of losing Marty... if that makes any sense at all.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A Daunting Task

As if I don't have enough things to pile on my plate. I got the packet from the Amarillo diocese to have my marriage declared null by the Catholic Church. In addition to the 18 pages of questions that need to be filled out, I have to supply my marriage certificate, divorce decree, baptism certificate, and it will cost $450.
It's a lot of stuff to drum up from my past. But I think it will be worth it. It will allow me to start with a clean slate. And then if/when I do become Catholic, I will be free to marry in the Church. That may or may not be Marty. I do hope it is, but I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing it for myself.
So I have to find witnesses to help validate the fact that my marriage should not be considered valid. I asked my friend Robin via email if she would consider being a witness for me. Even though we haven't talked in the last few years, she was there as my matron of honor and she got me through some tough times during the marriage.
I also need to tell Richard about doing this. I'm not sure I can handle telling him over the phone. I seem to bumble words when I don't get the chance to think about what I'm saying beforehand. (Like I did with Marty on the phone last night) So I think I'll write him a letter.

Monday, April 11, 2005

I'm going to be o.k.

Just a note for my dear friends and fellow bloggers that have been worried about me. I'm doing fine. I finally got a good night's sleep last night. (With the help of two tylenol p.m.'s) I'm moving on to acceptance.
I've had friends tell me to NOT drive down to Austin. It will only cause me more pain and he's not worth it.
It will be painful. But it's something I have to do for me. Not for him. I have to let him go. And I have to do it in person. If I don't, it will always feel like unfinished business and that will be more painful in the long run.
Granted my original plan in going down there was to fight for him. To find out the why's. To say or do what I needed to keep him. But I realize he is not mine to keep. I'm not in his heart. And as much as I would like to be there, I can't make him let me in.
I'm putting myself in God's hands and He has taken care of me. To hear that come out of my mouth is quite a shock for me even. But it's true. I'm growing up and I'm growing by the grace of God.
The tears still come every once in a while. But they need to.
And there will be no anger. Because even though perhaps he should have treated me better, or been more honest and all of that, he had a great impact on my life. And I have no regret in having him be a part of it.

I made a gift for his mother that I'm taking with me. I had planned on this even before I knew we weren't going to be together. I wanted to thank her for all her hospitality and treating me like part of their family. It's a shadow box that has a background of flowers, a cross with beads, ribbon and a sentiment that I printed on vellum paper. It reads:

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
The awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beatiful to gaze upon.
The stay in our lives for a while,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never the same.

That is how I feel about them and especially Marty.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Weirdness

I think I only cried twice yesterday. Oh wait... only twice over Marty maybe. But I did cry quite a bit, but it's because I finally watched The Passion of the Christ. And that's all I'll say. It did move me and have an effect, but it's not something I can put into words at the moment.
But I didn't cry at all today. Even when I made a parting gift for Marty. I'm doing better than I thought I'd ever imagine. And I don't think it's because I didn't really love him. I know I did. But I think there's a bigger hand in all of this. And for that I am truly thankful.

And I also found out good news on the annulment proceedings. After I spent the time filling out the numerous pages of paperwork and grilling questions, I found out I don't really have to do all that. Because Richard was married before, all I have to do is find his records of his first two marriages and divorces and prove that at least one of his ex-wives is alive and I'll have my marriage annulled without all the rigamarole. Basically this is because the Church sees that he was still married to his first wife and therefore, not eligible to be married to me. Whew!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Somewhat productive

Oh, the other news today is that I heard back from my friend from high school who is a Baptist minister. O.k. a little background first... This guy I was in love with for many years. O.k. perhaps it was just a very major crush, but I was smitten for a long while. We never officially dated, but became very good friends. I got into church for a while back in college but never felt truly comfortable there and always seemed to question things. So, needless to say, I didn't go for a long while. But I know he's continued to pray for me throughout the years. Well, I asked him about a week and a half ago about my Baptism (he Baptized me back in college) and he responded mentioning that it seems that I was perhaps thinking about things again. I replied and told him of my plans to convert to Catholicism. And what I got as a response what expected. He indicated his concern for me considering this move and wanted me to really think it through. And he tried to keep it nice, but I knew that would concern him. And given his background, it's understandable, but I simply have to respectfully disagree with him. I did explain that I've given this a lot of thought and have done research. I'm still working on my reply to him, but it will be interesting to see how this develops. It's amazing that my statement indicating something like this has gotten more out of him than in the last 7 years or so that he's been in California. I guess things were a lot easier when I was just a wretched sinner.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

My first rosary. I made it myself. Haven't prayed it yet, but I was pleased with how it turned out. The picture doesn't do it justice. The blue beads are much darker and prettier.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

A Great Homily

I went to Mass today. It was good to be back after missing last week. I'm starting to get the hang of things and can almost participate in all of it. There's a few things I still need to memorize, like the Nicene Creed, but I'm not doing too bad so far.
I really enoyed the homily today. Father said that he had just read the book 7 Habits for Highly Effective people and said that many of those are similar to being an effective Christian. Father gave us his list of 7 Habits for Highly Effective Christians. I wanted to share them with you.

1. Prayer - One cannot have a relationship with God without this. It should be done daily.
2. Faith - A gift from the Holy Spirit.
3. Forgiveness - One must be able to forgive to be able to love. This even when the one you are forgiving doesn't change or show remorse.
4. Conversion - We must change in ourselves to serve Christ. We must be open to change in ourselves.
5. Charity - We must show charity to one another.
6. Patience - Our timing and God's may be two different things and we need to have patience in all matters of life.
7. Simplicity - Keep your life simple and not cloud it with so many things that God is placed on the backburner.

I thought it was a very good list and I took it to heart today. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm going to be working on this list.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Feeling More Catholic

I went to the library today and got a couple more books on Catholicism. I just finished reading Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic by David B. Currie. That book really helped me to understand the basic differences between Evangelical beliefs and Catholic beliefs. I'm still finding that the Catholic Church simply makes more sense to me and is more logical than anything else. I'm not dissing those that belong to a protestant denomination. I just happen to think that some of the protestant beliefs are flawed. Much in the same way many Protestants believe that Catholic doctrine is flawed.

I don't plan to debate any issues here, I'm just stating that my turn to Catholicism is not because of a simple whim. I'm truly learning what the faith is and am growing because of it.
I had lunch with my son today and we discussed some religious beliefs and because of what I've read, I feel that I was able to answer his questions. I am by no means an expert and I have a lot to learn, but I think I'm on the right track perhaps for the first time in my life.

So what does all this mean? I'm changing. For the better, certainly. But it's still kind of scary. I wonder if I can do it sometimes and then I start thinking that the only way that I can is with the help of God. For someone that hasn't been a trusting person for many, many years, it's difficult to do. And as challenges come, I hope that God gives me the strength to endure. But I've found that since I've been going to Mass weekly, praying daily, and engrossing myself in learning, I feel more at peace.

I've always been a believer in that God has been looking out for me. Maybe it's also my guardian angel, but too many things have happened in my life for me to think otherwise. I think everything happens for a reason, and the people that come into our lives are there for some purpose as well.

If I hadn't gotten pregnant with Josh in college, I might never have finished. It was because of Josh that I received grants and scholarships and college was paid for. When I needed a place to live on a very small budget, I found a house for rent for $75 a month. When I needed a refrigerator that was under 5 ft., we happened upon one in a driveway that wasn't for sale, but the guy decided to sell it anyways. When I've needed money because things have come up, I'd suddenly get a child support check or a tax refund. When I lost my house to foreclosure after separating, I was able to move into my parent’s house after my mother passed away. And because I met Marty, I am taking this religious journey. There's no doubt about it. I'm sure that it's all in God's plan. That's why I don't regret having him in my life. I'm sad to lose him, but I accept that it wasn't meant to be. But I'm thankful for the purpose it served. I still love him and always will in some way.

I'm still open to loving again. I wasn't sure for a while. But I think when it's right I'll be able to give my heart away again. I'm figuring out what I want. Now, what I want may not be what I get, but I know the things I'm not going to settle on. Marty was close, but by no means perfect. I know that perfection doesn't exist and one has to compromise. The thing is one shouldn't really settle on important issues.

I hope I find it again. Because loving someone is one of the greatest things you can do.

RCIA week 10

2005-11-17T15:30:00.000-08:00

This week we studied the hierarchy of the Church. I did learn some new things such as the difference between a nun and a sister. (A nun is a sister, but not all sisters are nuns.) At the end of class we were allowed to write a question on a piece of paper and submit it to be answered. I asked if our priest would ever be joining our class at some point. I was told "Don't count on it." I am disappointed by that. For one thing, I think having the priest come and perhaps teach a lesson would be very interesting for us. But also, considering the fact that the people in the RCIA class are new members of the parish, I think it would be nice for us to get to know him better as our priest and for him to meet us. I've met him to some degree by the fact that I'm taking his adult formation class, but I thought certainly the priest would want to get to know those that are coming into the faith. He could be a source of encouragement and knowledge for us. After all, this is the man we'll be confessing to. It would be nice to get to know him as a person. But this is just my two cents. He does seem like a very nice, and personable guy, and he has a great sense of humor as I've discovered in the Sunday classes. But I know he's been busy with dealing with a new church building, the blessing this weekend and he had some personal issues to deal with this summer. Perhaps he might have more time once all the big stuff is over.

More Reflections (Feb-Mar 2004)

2005-11-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

Some these are only excerpts from longer blogs. I only included comments that related to my Catholic journey... although I guess it's all related to some degree... but I left out the other fluff.

Wednesday, February 9
Lent

Though I am not yet a practicing Catholic, I'm wondering if I should participate in Lent. I'm still considering conversion, but haven't taken much action on it other than reading at this point. But giving up something for Lent would probably be a good thing.I could cheat and say I am giving up sex, but since that's not a possibility anyways, it wouldn't count. I think I may just continue on my "plan" and keep giving up fast food and alcohol. (Though I did cheat some today - but I am sick so that's my excuse.) Question for my readers:If you are Catholic, what are you doing for Lent?If you're not, but were, what would you give up for Lent?It's something I'll think about and maybe decide this evening. Right now I'm going back to bed. I'm getting sick, it's in my throat and I'm getting achy. Not good signs.

Wednesday, February 23
I did it

Well, I did it. I sent an email to the local Catholic church asking about their RCIA classes. I'm still not 100% certain of it all, but felt compelled to do it. After all it's just a question. Doesn't mean I have to do anything yet. I've just been putting off the question for a while now. But I've continued to be drawn to it all. I'm even participating in Lent to some degree. Marty surprised me the other day saying he was going to go to Mass on Sunday. He didn't make it, but the fact that he said he was going to go really put a little pep in my heart. He's been lapsed for quite a long time now and wasn't even confirmed. I know he's been thinking about going back to the Church too. Perhaps that is the reason we've been drawn together. Sometimes I call it fate or destiny, but I think that perhaps it's the Man upstairs doing His part.I've been away from church in general for about 14 years now. I've been soured by a lot things like hypocrisy, questioning they why's, and the fact it's a heck of a lot easier to live in sin than it is to be perfect. I'm finally realizing though that I don't have to be perfect because we're simply human. But I also understand that I should live better than what I have. I still have an attachment to sin which makes things more difficult for me, but I still think it's something I should look back into.Since I started this journey, I have found that there isn't anything in the Catholic teaching that I can't agree with. There are some things I know I'll have a hard time dealing with, but overall it just seems right. One of my biggest questions regarding religion has been "Who's right?" Among all the denominations who truly has the right answers. For me it's a matter of going back to the beginning. The Catholic Church is the original church of Christ. All the other Christian denominations are from people that broke from the Church thinking they knew better. So for me it's not a matter of which Church any more. It's a matter of whether I can embrace Church life or not. It's also a matter of whether I can get an anullment on my marriage.So I've taken another step. The first was having the simple curiosity about the church followed by my research. We'll see where it all leads.

Friday, March 18
Jumped off the wagon

Even though I'm not Catholic (yet), I've been trying to follow the practice of lent in giving up things. I decided to continue my abstaining from fast food and alcohol as well as observing abstinence from meat on Fridays. I've actually done pretty well. Today was not to be an exception as we were planning on going to Red Lobster for dinner and I was going to have fish and shrimp. But this afternoon, without thinking I had leftover sausage pizza for lunch. It didn't even dawn on me until I was getting ready to go out to dinner. It may not be a really big deal and even Catholics have been known to cheat or not go through their giving up something during Lent, but I really wanted to make a concerted effort. Then tonight after dinner we came back to my aunt's mother-in-law's house to visit and I had some wine. I could have easily declined, but I didn't. Again, not a big deal, but I do feel a little bad about it.

Sunday, March 20
Palm Sunday

I went to Mass today. I felt a little awkward as I tend to do in new situations, but it wasn't bad. Since I've attended Episcopal services with my aunt many times, I understood what was going on. I even chimed in on some of the responses. I sat with the lady I contacted regarding RCIA classes. After church we went to McDonald's and had some orange juice. We had a nice conversation and it turns out that I went to school with her daughter and we graduated in the same year. Small world isn't it?So I've jumped in. I still don't know if it's the right thing, but I feel I need to explore it more. And that's what I'm doing.

Saturday, March 26
I have no life

I've been going to church. I went Thursday and Friday evening and will attend the Easter Vigil tonight. It still feels a little weird, but not as bad as being in protestant church. No offense to anyone out there, but they just seem to grate on my nerves lately. I'm finding that in the Catholic services the spirituality is more genuine and it feels more like a worship service. For example, last night was the veneration of the cross. The congregation passes a large cross over them all around the people and then they go up to the front, bow and kiss the cross. It was really very moving. I still feel a little awkward there, but it's really not bad. I'm just not sure of some of the things I should be doing & saying.

Time of Reflection

2005-11-14T17:31:00.000-08:00

Since I haven't had much to say lately, I thought I would post some entries from my other blog about when I first started considering a step back into religion in general. I started my Catholic blog right before RCIA this year in September, but I began having thoughts about things religious a year before. So here are some previous entries. It's kind of interesting to see how far I've come since then.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

The Reunion and Religion

Well, I made it through the big family reunion with Marty. He has a HUGE family. And I only saw a portion of them. But I did very well on remembering names. I didn't feel uncomfortable at it either. There were a few moments that he left me alone longer than he should have, but it wasn't too bad. At least I already knew his parents and siblings. (You have to understand that I'm still a little shy in big social situations) He seemed to think it was a pretty big deal that I went with him. It seems that his ex was intimitated by such a large family and would never go. He told me that he loved me even more for going to it. I didn't think it was a great sacrifice on my part. I was actually flattered that he had invited me to go before we had even gotten very serious. I would have been even hurt had I not been invited to go. His family was very nice and he tells me that they all like me. He kept acting like they were a bunch of weirdos and that I should be worried about getting involved with a family like his... but I had news for him... my family is very much more on the strange side than his. His were quite normal. The only thing about them is that they're all pretty much devoted Catholics... which isn't strange, just something that was interesting to witness. Since then we've talked about Marty's religious background. He's kind of in the same boat as me right now having a distaste for religion in general. But it's something that I think he's interested in looking into again. We went to Barnes and Noble last night. He bought himself a Catholic Bible. I got a book on understanding Catholicism. If nothing, it will be interesting to learn about it. I think that anything has got to be better than the Baptist upbringing I was involved in. (no offense to the Baptists out there) I just felt that too many of them were being judgmental of me and I saw a lot of hypocrisy.. which I know exists in probably every church. It just ended putting a sour taste in my mouth about it and for the past 13 years or so I haven't actively been involved in a church. Not that I think I should have been. I guess I'm still at a confused place where I believe in God and His mercy and grace, but I can't allow myself to live a hypocritical life. Perhaps I'm at a point now where I can look at another spiritual journey.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Spiritual Reckoning

I've been thinking about religion quite a bit lately. This is something that hasn't really been on my mind actively for about 14 years. It started again with Marty. You can see my post about his reunion and religion. Well, since then I've read two Catholic books and ordered some other books on Christianity.
Though my faith might have waned to some degree, I have always believed in God and feel that despite my pagan state, He's taken care of me. I figured if He wanted to get in touch with me again and speak to my heart, He would when it was the right time. Perhaps it's now.
But let's get some background. My first religious experience that I remember was around 2nd grade. I was not raised in the church. I vaguely remember going with my aunt when I was little, but never my parents. I used to go to vacation Bible school in Canyon. But in 2nd grade I was invited to go to San Jacinto Baptist church with the promise of skating parties, ice cream socials etc. Of course I wanted to go! And I got the fire and brimstone speech that scared me into salvation. I was told all about hell and what a horrible place it was and how I was going to go there unless I was saved. And all I had to do was to say a prayer and ask Jesus in my heart and I would be saved. Simple as that. Nothing to it. So one Sunday I went up to the front of the church with all the other people that wanted to be saved and knelt on the steps and waited for someone to come talk to me. And nobody came to talk to me. I was scared and felt like everyone was staring at me. Finally after what seemed like forever, a grown-up came to talk to me and took me out to another room. He asked me the typical questions like did I believe that Jesus was the Son of God. Did I want to be saved etc... and I said the prayer and got Baptized the same day. I went to Sunday school and learned the books of the Bible and stories about Jesus. It was grand. And best of all were the skating and ice cream parties. What fun! I went to church there for about 3 years I think. After that, we moved to the middle of nowhere and I didn't go to church for a while. I remember that after I was Baptized, my aunt, who was Episcopalian, said that I could participate in the Lord's supper at her church from then on. So I got a taste of the Episcopal church for several years off and on when I would visit her. I went again when I was a freshman in high school. I went with some friends to Paramount Baptist church. Again, I got the fire and brimstone speech that scared me and I thought that before I might not have been really saved before and so I did it again. But that was a one time thing really. I only went to church a couple of times after that. Then I started going to church with Bret. (the one that I was in love with from about 9th-11th grade) His dad was a preacher at (you guessed it) a Baptist church in Amarillo. They would pick me up from my house in the middle of nowhere and take me to church every Sunday. I didn't go through a salvation process at this time. I remember that I barely listened to the sermons and faked the singing. God wasn't really speaking to me. And then finally I was in college. And I still hung around Bret, who by that time was a preacher in his own church. (Once again Baptist) And during my sophomore year, he and another guy from band (who was "born again" the year before) had a party. It wasn't your typical college party. This one involved a sermon more or less. And once again I was "saved". This time was weird though. During the time when everyone's heads are bowed and they're telling you about your need to accept Christ I started shaking. I couldn't stop. I wasn't cold and yet I could not stop shaking. I took it as a sign and I felt that this time I would really be "saved." So I talked about it and once again said the prayer etc... blah, blah, blah. I was Baptized for the second time. But this time I did get involved with the church. I started going to Bible studies. I went to church religiously (pun intended). And I earnestly tried to learn about living a Christian life. That's when it started to get difficult. The more I understood about living a Christian life, the harder it became. And then I was very, very bad. I got pregnant. And boy did I feel judged. And I know I was. But I still went to church for a while. Then all of a sudden, Kevin (the convert that was part of the party that "helped" me) got up one Sunday and told the church that he discovered recently that he had not really been saved. And that he just recently totally committed himself to Christ. So I began to question my salvation once again and thought, how does one ever really know? And I started seeing a lot of hypocrisy in the people of the church. And I felt judged. And I guess I preferred being the sinner that I was rather than trying to live a life that I didn't feel I could live. So I stopped going.
So since then I've continued to pray from time to time. I've continued to believe in God. I started to think that I didn't need religion to be spiritual. I wondered why we had so many different kinds of religions and how would you know which one was right. And if they were all right in their own way. I also felt that if I were going to get involved with a church again that God would speak to me and I'd be guided by the Holy Spirit.
So now I've got an interest in it. And I'm trying to understand the different parts of Christianity. What it's all about really. And what the difference between the protestant denominations are. And what Catholicism is. And so far it's been interesting. And a little frightening.
I'm starting to think that maybe I am going to be called to get involved in church again. And perhaps even become Catholic. And what scares me is once again living that Christian life that I found so difficult before. I worry that in doing so, I'll lose part of my identity. That I have to give up part of me to be a part of Christ. That I have to really change. Not that change is bad, but I kind of like who I am at this point. And knowing me the way I do, if I do decide to jump into it all again, I'll go at it full force. With all my heart. And maybe that would allow me to be able to deal with it better. But at this point I'm still just seeking knowledge.
So those things have been on my mind lately. I was thinking about it in the car today on my way home from my dance workout class. And all of a sudden I saw a rainbow. A perfect rainbow. Every single color distinguished and vibrant. In a perfect arch. A spectacular, beautiful sight.
Do I take that as a sign?

RCIA week 9

2005-11-11T20:51:00.000-08:00

This week's RCIA was probably the most interesting class yet. We toured the church and learned about all the different parts of it. I learned a lot of things in this class. I love how every part of the church is special in some way. The fact we have a new church building that is so very beautiful makes it even more wonderful. In fact this coming weekend we will be having a special mass where the church is blessed. Although this class was very informative, I find myself at a loss for words to write about it. So stay tuned. I'll try to be more prolific later this week.

Singing in the Choir

2005-11-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

I've been singing in the choir at Church. We've been without a director for a while so we recently started rehearsals for a special dedication Mass that is being held a week from Saturday. We had a choir director for a brief period, but tonight we had two other professional people that led us in preparation for the ceremony. There's a LOT of music to sing.
Although I've said for some time that I really can't sing and can barely carry a tune, I still enjoy it. I was a music major for two years, but I was an instrumental major. And I hated sight singing. But I still have a passion for music. I started singing this summer for another special ceremony. It was great to get to meet new people (to me) in the church and to just sing.
My problem with singing is that a lot of times I focus too much on the music itself - singing on pitch, the melodies etc. that I forget to focus on the words themselves. And the words are so powerful! Hopefully I'll get to a point where I know the words by heart. I'm learning several songs that way as we sing them often in Mass, but still not there yet. But as I can focus more on the words themselves, I find that I am drawn closer to God and His blessings.
Choir is another evening gone out of my week, but I really love being able to praise God in that way. And perhaps with a little bit of practice I'll improve.
Tomorrow I will try to update with this week's RCIA. I apologize for not having posted yet, but it's been a busy time lately.

My how things have changed

2005-11-07T19:25:00.000-08:00

I am amazed at how much has changed for me since I started going to Mass regularly. A little over a year ago I bought my first book on Catholicism. In October, a year ago I visited Marty in Connecticut and began realizing that things weren't as rosy as I'd thought in our relationship. Almost exactly a year ago I realized even more that things were not going as well as I thought when Marty didn't do anything for my birthday. He did remember, but no card, no flowers. He made up for it later, but it was disconcerting at the time. As he started to pull away from me and as I tried to fight even harder for him, I realize now that he had served his purpose in my life by igniting that spark in me. And he doesn't even realize that he did that or the impact it has had on my life. I now realize that God used him in such a way that I almost didn't even see it coming. When I contacted the local church in February, I still had not committed to becoming Catholic at all. Even after I started going to mass, I still wasn't certain, but felt drawn to it. As my sponsor would introduce me to people at church and tell them that I was going to go through RCIA, I still didn't know. But it seems that shortly after Marty and I broke up and I got through the hurt, I realized that the uncertainty faded. Don't think my decision to become Catholic is because of a rebound situation from Marty. It is absolutely not. It just made things more clear and I saw the role he played. And the more I attended mass, the more certain I became. I finally felt at home. I knew it was right. And there's nothing I want to do more right now and that includes riding rollercoasters. (Though it's a close second.... lol.)
So I came from a year ago questioning whether or not I could let God in my life, if I could be burdened by having to go to church, and if I could make such a commitment again after failing at it so many years before. But you know, I always had the thought that when God was ready for me, and when He knew that I was ready, He would let me know. And He did. It wasn't a single ah-ha moment, but He seemed to take me gently by the hand and lead me home. And I am so blessed that He is in my life. Not that he wasn't ever there, mind you, but I'm at least taking part in the relationship now. And that burden of having to go to Church? It is truly a blessing now. I can see why not going to Mass is a mortal sin. Because the more I go, the closer I feel to God and the more blessed and peaceful I feel. I honestly can't wait to receive the Eucharist because that will be a whole new level of blessing I can't even fathom right now. I have begun to realize that sometimes our timing might not be God's timing and our plans may not be his. But He does have a plan and He steps in when needed. And I thank Him for that.

Amen

2005-11-06T18:23:00.000-08:00

Just something I've wondered about. I find that when I say "Amen" during the mass I pronounce it "ah-men" rather than "ay-men". Both are acceptable pronunciations, and I thought it might be a regional thing, but actually I hear more people saying "ay-men" during mass. So, blog readers... how do you pronounce it? Leave a comment. Thanks!!

RCIA week 8

2005-11-02T19:26:00.000-08:00

It's been two months since beginning RCIA. Time moves so fast. I was pleased to see several people there that have missed in the past few weeks. I took my rosaries with me to class tonight and had the deacon bless them. It was very fitting since we discussed Mary tonight.

On Mary...

I am learning what a great Saint she is. I know that many protestants and several people that eventually convert to the Catholic faith have problems with Mary. I have never had problems with the doctrines of the Church in regard to her, but I guess my issue is more of a relationship issue. Perhaps it stems from my own relationship with my mother.

Now to get a little personal....

I'm not saying I had a bad relationship with my mother. We were simply not close. I loved my mother, but I can't remember telling her that. I don't remember her saying those words to me either. It was just understood by the fact that she took care of us. My mother was an admirable person. She went through a lot of things. My parents almost divorced at one point, but she stuck things out. She worked a full time job leaving at 5:30 in the mornings and didn't get home until 5:00 p.m. and still cooked supper every night. She always did extra things especially when it involved baking for my classes as a child. I always had a special birthday cake made and decorated by her. She would make costumes for my sister. In her last year I saw great faith in her spirit and she was remarkable in the face of death. And as I think about all of that, especially in light of it being almost two years since her passing, I am beginning to understand what an amazing role Mary played.

I can't fathom the kinds of things that Mary had to deal with like she did with such amazing grace. My son is the most important thing to me. I would do anything for him. For years I would wake up in the middle of the night and go check on him just to make sure he was still o.k. I admit that even now I check on him from time to time. It's just a mother's instinct. But can you imagine knowing that you must witness your child's death. Not only death, but a horrible, agonizing death. Even the fact that she accepted God's will when she said yes to God's will during the visit from Gabriel. She risked getting stoned to death by accepting the task of carrying a child as a virgin. Can you imagine that kind of faith?

Some people may think that because she was immaculately conceived (remember this refers to her conception, not that of Christ) and was born without the stain of original sin, then she had it easy. Quite the contrary because she could identify with humans and their sufferings more than we who are born with sin can ever do. Her perfection ultimately opens up her to more suffering. Yet, she does everything because of her faith in God. It's the kind of faith that we should strive to have.

Her selfless act of accepting the will of God by carrying God himself in human form is so very deserving of our adoration. Who better to ask for carrying our prayers to God than she who is the Mother of God. I know some may have problems with this concept, but she is the mother of Christ who is equally human and divine. He is not more of one or the other. Because of that, Mary is truly the Mother of God in his human form. She is not the mother of God our Creator, but Christ who is the second person of the Trinity.

There are many misconceptions about Mary that I would like to clear up, but time prevents me from it in this post. I will cover in another post the concepts of the Immaculate Conception, Mary as ever-virgin, and the apparitions attributed to Mary.

But for now, I'm am learning what a wonderful woman she was and am thankful that she is there in Heaven to intercede for us. She is a wonderful guide as our moral compass. She leads us to Christ through her example as a Christian, a mother, and in so many other roles.

A Response to my Baptist Friend

2005-10-28T19:49:00.000-07:00

My friend Bret that is a Baptist minister posted in his blog a while back his opinion of the priest scandal and some thoughts he has on the teachings of the Church. I have wanted to respond for a while and finally found the time tonight. I am not claiming to be any kind of expert in all the teachings of the Church, but through my own studies, searching and opinions I have responded to his post. The first part of his post follows and his words are in red. My response is italicized.

The ongoing saga of sexual abuse by Catholic priests plummets deeper today as documents are released showing years of abuse and denial by the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, the nations largest Roman Catholic diocese. Tell men they cannot marry (or allow homosexuals in as priests), teach a system of salvation that says grace must be achieved before it is given and grace must be regularly earned to be maintained and surround yourself with an ecclesiology that hides behind ecclesiastically infallibility, and you have the perfect mixture to bake up the kind of scandal that currently exists in Catholicism. It is a system that is sure to make one feel spiritual but fails to actually change the heart - thus the evidence of which we now read.

There are a lot of arguments in this one paragraph to cover so I’ll take it one thing at a time. 1. Tell men they cannot marry – There is a reason for this in the Church and those that are priests make this decision knowing what the Church requires. They do this in order to devote themselves more fully to God and their parishes. A married man tends to have a divided heart and one that takes the vow of celibacy can truly devote himself to a life of ministry. It’s not to say that priests are perfect… all men are sinners. The scandal in the Church was highlighted because of poor judgments of those men and those in authority above them. There are certainly men of all kinds of religions, sexual orientations, married, and unmarried that have done heinous things to children as well. It cannot be blamed on the teachings of the Church, but the fact that some people seem to have little control over their sinful lives and have made bad choices. It is true that we are sexual beings, but in the Bible we are called to chastity. Marriage was designed for those that are unable to be chaste. Virginity is highly esteemed. In 1 Cor. 7:8-9 It states “now to the unmarried and to widows, I say: It is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do, but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire.” Once again, it is a choice. If a priest cannot take this vow, he should know that he has not been called to the priesthood.

2. Or allow homosexuals in as priests – I believe and many Catholics do as well that homosexuality is a disorder that some are born with. I think for some others it is a choice. You cannot conclusively dump the fact that a priest might be gay and thus unable to control his sexual urges. I feel that although a gay person might be more inclined to seek a partner of the same sex and unfortunately make a horrible decision to seduce a child, their orientation isn’t necessarily why they do that. It is because they are human and once again are sinners that do not seek enough of God’s guidance to help them through their temptations. Coming from a very sexual background, it’s a difficult thing to overcome, but not impossible. Look at my son’s father. He was absolutely not gay, but made very bad choices.

3. Teach a system of salvation that says grace must be achieved before it is given – This is not what the Church teaches. We believe as protestants do that Grace is a gift from God. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states “Our justification comes from the grace of God. Grace is favor, the free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God, adoptive sons, partakers of the divine nature and of eternal life.” This grace is sanctifying grace that is received in Baptism. The Catechism continues stating “Sanctifying grace is a habitual gift, a stable and supernatural disposition that perfects the soul itself to enable it to live with God, to act by his love.” Although grace is freely given to us, we believe that our salvation is a process that continues throughout our life rather than a single defining moment of faith. We are indeed justified by faith, but not faith alone. Works are manifestations of our faith. The Bible even states that works are a part of our salvation. James 2:14-17 states “What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister has nothing to wear and has no food for the day, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, keep warm, and eat well,” but you do not give them the necessities of the body, what good is it? So also faith of itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” So grace is a gift from God, we must accept that gift and have faith, but continually build on that faith and demonstrate it through our works. All of this plays a role in our final justification when we come before Christ. Our salvation depends on the state of our soul at death. Although 1 John 5:13 states “I write these things to you so that you may know that you have eternal life, you who believe in the name of the Son of God.” Although protestants take this that one can definitely know they are assured of a place in heaven, they must realize that this statement comes after four other chapters outlining what it takes to have that reasonable assurance. One still must live righteous lives and be in favor with God. Certainly if we have followed his commandments, accepted his grace, had faith and shown it through our works, then yes, we might be certain of attaining heaven.

4. surround yourself with an ecclesiology that hides behind ecclesiastically infallibility – I am not sure what you mean by the fact that the Church hides behind their teachings of infallibility. Just to be certain, you must understand that the concept of infallibility does not mean free from sin. It does not mean that the body of the Church, the Bishops or even the Pope is sinless. I don’t see how the Church hides behind their teachings of infallibility in any way. They make it clear to all their believers as well as those who do not agree with her teachings. Infallibility is simply the fact that the doctrine the Church teaches is true. It does not mean that the Church dictates every interpretation of the Bible to it’s members, but when it does clarify something, it is bound by Christ’s statement that “Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven.” Although there has been a scarred past of Popes that were not even close to perfection and did some very bad things, none of their statements in regard to an official Church teaching has been against what is true within the Bible and tradition.

5. you have the perfect mixture to bake up the kind of scandal that currently exists in Catholicism – you sound as if that this scandal is all that the Church is about. It isn’t pretty, nor is it acceptable, but the Church is more than this incident. You cannot make a blanket statement that it is the teachings of the Church that caused all of this. If so, then you may have to explain the many abuses of those of the Baptist persuasion. (http://reformation.com/CSA/baptistsabuse.html) They may not be grouped together as they have been in the Catholic Church, but they are just as heinous.

6. It is a system that is sure to make one feel spiritual but fails to actually change the heart - I beg to differ from personal experience. I can say that I have never had a desire to love Christ and grow in his word as I have since I began my journey into the Catholic faith. A change in heart comes from God’s grace and the free will of a person. The teachings of a church can guide a person on that journey, but you seem to be assuming that Catholics may be spiritual but are lacking in true faith. I feel that Catholics have a better idea of faith than many protestants as they are constantly working out their salvation through their faith.

Not that similar situations do not happen in protestant churches, especially the kind that care little for spiritual fruit as the indicator of conversion (not as the means to achieve).
Protestants have their own moral black eyes due to their own theological aberrations such as the weekly push for quick profession-of-faith prayers, thus populating congregations with unconverted people, the exaltation of pastors as celebrity personalities, the redefinition of corporate church life in terms of popular opinion, pragmatism and moralism, rather than a careful and humble submission the sole authority of Scripture.

O.k. I indicated above that you are right. Protestants have their own scandalous stories and issues. (Though I won’t necessarily point out in this particular post the problems I have with general protestant beliefs) I do believe that as a regular church-goer at Fellowship Baptist, there seemed to be a great push for those quick profession of faith prayers and attempts to grow the congregation. Those visitations to local houses in order to “win people to Christ” were most uncomfortable. I find that the Catholics I’ve gotten to know don’t push their faith on anyone and are more accepting of other denominations than many Protestants. They demonstrate their faith by the way they live. No, not all are perfect and there are some Catholics living in sin, but if I look at the group as a whole I see more true believers than I did as a Baptist. It is a relief to not be asked if I am saved.

A careful and humble submission to the sole authority of Scripture – Catholics seem to be far more careful with the idea of a careful and humble submission to Scripture. Again, they don’t dictate every interpretation of the Bible to the body of the Church, but they do clarify important doctrines. But no, the Church does not abide with the concept of Sola Scriptura for many reasons. The first of which, if the Bible is all that is necessary for living out a Christian life, then where in the Bible does it say that? There isn’t any place. It does state that the Bible is good and useful, but not the only source necessary. Second, tradition is called for within the Bible itself. 2 Thess 2:16 states “Therefore, brothers, stand firm and hold fast to the traditions that you were taught, either by an oral statement or by a letter of ours.” People at the time of the teachings of Christ had no Bible. The Bible wasn’t completed until years after Christ’s final ascension into Heaven. What then were the Christians to use? Then you have to consider the fact that the Bible wasn’t readily available to all of those teaching the message of Christ. Some of those teachers had been followers of Christ directly, but many others were followers of the apostles. Therefore, the Christian doctrine was passed on through oral teachings and it’s traditions. There are numerous other reasons for the rejection of the concept of sola scriptura and I am not adequate to explain them all, but feel free to check them out at http://www.geocities.com/thecatholicconvert/solascriptura21.html.

Catholics and many aberrant protestant groups have much in common in their theology that creates a climate for such cases as described in the NY Times. May God be gracious to us to provide a genuine reformation in the hearts of people to adhere to the sole authority of Scripture that produces a singular passion for the glory of Christ, rather than creating our religion from the passions of depraved human hearts.

Once again, I don’t feel that the Catholic teachings in any way create a climate for the scandals that have occurred. On the contrary, the teachings of the Church are very much against such actions. But because there are some priests that failed as sinful humans, they have given the Church a bad name. But you cannot place blame on a few and assume that they made choices because of the Church’s teachings and it’s expectations of a priest. It’s not like a priest doesn’t go through a rigorous examination of conscious when deciding to pursue a life as a church leader as well as study for many years before becoming a servant of Christ. Adhering to the sole authority of Scripture does not mean a person will not sin. Once again, it is a matter of free will. I have far more of a passion for Christ in this Church that teaches that adherence to Scripture is a part of living a Christian life, but also that tradition plays a role as well. Just because the Catholic Church accepts both does not mean that their followers have depraved hearts. I see a total devotion to Christ in a Catholic mass. Since Catholics believe that Christ is actually present in the Eucharist, we honor and venerate His presence by kneeling during the process of transubstantiation. We also demonstrate this when we stand during the reading of the Gospel and by genuflecting when we enter the church.

I know my friend that we will continue to agree to disagree on various matters. I have wanted to respond with my own thoughts to your post for a while, but you know how time seems to get away from us. I feel that despite the fact that you are in a church that has doctrines that I disagree with, you are still a righteous and spiritual man with a true love for Christ. I admire you for that. I hope you don’t take offense at anything I’ve said. You are my friend and I love you as my friend.

RCIA week 7

2005-10-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

The Saints. That was tonight's discussion. I wish I had more time to read on the lives of the Saints, but it's on a long to do list of things I want to learn more about.

Eventually we will be choosing a confirmation name based on a Saint. I've kind of had mine decided for a while, but it's not completely definite. I will try to read some more. I found a website, of course, where I could look up names of Saints based on what they represent like St. Francis of Assisi is the patron Saint of animals etc. I was drawn to St. Cecelia as a Saint of musicians. The thing is that as I've read her story, I've discovered that she may be more of a legend than real as there is doubts to her story. But it is still a lovely story none-the-less. But the thing about her is that her Saint "day" is November 22 which is same day that my mother passed away. Some might think it weird to honor that day, but I see it as the day that my mother began her journey to heaven.

I am also drawn to St. Ann for a few reasons as well. One, it's the name of the Church I call home. It is related to my name (screen and real). And it's the first card on a Saint I received. I've also prayed to her to intercede on my behalf and all of the prayers have been answered.

So it's a lot to think about and more to read, but I do love having the Saints there for us. They are examples of how we should live our lives.

And since I promised myself to be in bed by 10 and it's now 10:15 I must go and I hope to write more late. I still have several things to post about, but maybe after the time change this weekend and I can get it done... but don't hold your breath.

Love Thy Neighbor

2005-10-23T11:22:00.000-07:00

Today's homily was over the greatest commandment from the Lord. "You shall love the lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This the greatest and the first commnandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Mt 22:37-39

Father Phan put it very pointedly saying that Love is the action of the virutre of charity. We receive charity from the Holy Spirit, but to put it in action it must come from our free will. We can choose to love God and our neighbor or not. And we must do both. Loving God alone is not enough if we do not love our neighbors. Keep in mind, it doesn't mean we have to necessarily like them. But it simply means that we desire good for the other person. We don't wish harm on them. Which is good because there's a few people I don't particularly like, but I've grown to the point where at least I don't wish them harm any more. You know the idea of a "woman scorned"... sometimes it's really hard to show compassion to some people. But I understand it more clearly now.

There is a teacher at the school I don't particularly care for. He was supposed to help me in several ways to get my computer set up and get things going for me at school, and he never lifted a finger to help me all year until recently. As much as I have not been fond of this person, I can still wish him well. For me, personally, when it comes to relationships, I had to come to terms with forgiveness of someone before I can really show that act of charity. When Richard and I broke up, I was very bitter, understandably, and for a long time I wanted him to feel remorse, realize the mistake he had made, and simply be absolutely miserable. No, I wasn't the most gracious about it. But after some time and as I started looking into church again and feeling God's presence in my life, I finally came to terms of forgiveness. And when I did, it was such an incredible relief. It doesn't matter any more how much he hurt me or what he did in our relationship. What matters is that I forgive him and I can now move on. We are still friends, and I appreciate him as a friend now.

These commandments are the most important criteria on how we're supposed to live our lives as as Christians and it is the standard by which we will be judged.
If a person wants to know how they have measured up, we just need to look at this commandment? Are we loving God and our neighbors completely? If not, we need to work on our compassion. If we choose not follow this commandment, we really cannot call ourselves Christians.

It amazes me that people who claim to be Christians sometimes act in a most un-Christianlike manner. People that divide themselves and take on a holier-than-thou attitude because of denominations, social status, or whatever reasons they can think of. When I was teaching junior high many years ago, I would see all these kids wearing the WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) bracelets and claim to Christians because they went to the every Sunday and Wednesday. Yet in the classroom, they would be bad-mouthing others, be defiant with teachers and not having any consideration as to what Jesus would be doing. I guess perhaps it was just a fashion trend.

I know that I still have work to do on my part, and I've been guilty of not following this commandment. But I'm listening now. And I understand. I'm growing and I do love all my neighbors... even the ones I don't happen to like much.

RCIA week 6

2005-10-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been six weeks since starting RCIA. I am disappointed that several people have been absent and have not come to every class. There are missing out on so much! I was late today and hated that I missed the first five minutes.

Today's topic was the continuation of the Bible and I did learn some things tonight that I wasn't aware of before. The Bible has not been a very strong part of my life and I admit I have yet to read it all the way through. But I have a goal to do that now and I truly hope I can and really get into the word of God.

Tonight a lady asked what the differences are in the Catholic Bible and a protestant Bible. We had discussed last week about the extra books in the Old Testament, but she wanted to know if there were any other differences. I brought up the protestant concept of "sola scriptura" or the idea that the Bible is the only source needed for living a Christian life. I have a lot more to say on that topic in response to my friend Bret, but I still haven't had the time to sit and get that post written. There is so much going on in my life right now... but it is all a blessing.

There's more I want to learn and do and jump in to, but there is just not enough time right now. But I'm not complaining. It is a good thing to have such a full plate these days and I wouldn't trade it. I love that I have Mass on Sundays and RCIA on Wednesdays. I love everything I am learning about the Catholic Church. I love the tradition, the elegance, the history, the beliefs, and so much more. I think that those who tend to 'dis the Church really don't understand what it's about or what we really believe as Catholics. I think that is such a shame as it is a truly beautiful experience for me. I am growing so much and I am so thankful for this journey. Once again, I feel completely blessed.

A Catholic Meme

2005-10-15T01:56:00.000-07:00

You scored as New Catholic. The years following the Second Vatican
Council was a time of collapse of the Catholic faith and its traditions.
But you are a young person who has rediscovered this lost faith,
probably due to the evangelization of Pope John Paul II.
You are enthusiastic, refreshing, and somewhat traditional,
and you may be considering a vocation to the priesthood
or religious life. You reject relativism and the decline in society
that you see among your peers.
You are seen as being good for the Church.

A possible problem is that you may have a too narrow a view
of orthodoxy, and anyway, you are still a youth and not yet mature
in your faith.

New Catholic

60%

Neo-Conservative Catholic

50%

Traditional Catholic

45%

Evangelical Catholic

45%

Liberal Catholic

43%

Radical Catholic

41%

Lukewarm Catholic

19%

What is your style of American Catholicism?
created with QuizFarm.com

RCIA week 5

2005-10-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight in class we finished up on discussing the particulars of the Mass focusing on the Eucharist liturgy. The more that I learn about the Eucharistic celebration, the more I want take part in it. I know I have to wait until Easter Vigil, but I know it will be truly special when I do get to celebrate having the body and blood of Christ.

My sponsor complimented me tonight saying that I could probably teach the class. Perhaps after I finish this year I can help with future classes. The more I participate in things with the church, the more I learn and confirm this decision. After we finished the discussion on the Mass, we started talking about the Bible going into some history of it. It's not new material for me but going over the information is letting more of what I've already read sink in. I am certainly learning from the experience.

I do enjoy the fact that our class isn't afraid to speak up and ask questions. It makes things more interesting.

My friend Bret wrote a blog entry today that I plan to respond to here in my blog soon. I think he's making an errant and general assumption about the Catholic Church. I know he disagrees with my decision to convert and has doubts about my faith in Christ and the beliefs within the Catholic church; but in the same breath, I believe he is wrong in some of his beliefs.

I'll post more later as I am gathering my thoughts on his post and I still have papers to grade, lessons to plan, and it's now bed time.

Being Christ Centered

2005-10-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

Today we had a substitute priest. And his homily had a very resounding Baptist feel to it, but I do agree with it. It's something my friend Bret just mentioned. It's about our lives being centered in Christ. I feel that as Christians that should be our focus and our goal in our lives. But it's not easy when you've had other things being the center of your life for a number of years. Here's an excerpt I wrote about ten years ago regarding my religious state:

I guess I've become a cynic. I have little trust and faith in anything any more. I'm always doubting things, people, ideas. I consistently doubt sincerity. I always think "what's the catch?" or "they really don't feel this way." I am constantly questioning everything. Looking for motives. Seeking "so-called truths." Why have I become this way? I guess that a lot of it has to do with getting burned so many times. -- Yet I still seek those things that have singed me -- for the most part. Whether it is "religion" or "relationships." Yes, I do feel burned by religion. After "believing" that I was truly a "Christian" - as defined by Baptist terms - and then having to question my "salvation" because of others "realizations" it's hard to accept religion with all it's strings attached. Maybe it's dangerous to have been devoted for a while and to have learned what I did. I understand (at least I think I do) enough to be scared of such commitments. It's a change in myself that I do not wish to make at this time. It's a change that can' t happen without the spiritual desire inside of me. I still have my moments of curiosity. Maybe in some small way I'm seeking spirituality. I guess I haven't given up on the Christian faith--with all the books and music I've been buying up. But why haven't I gotten into reading the books and really listening to the music? What keeps me from them? I suppose I do have the intention to do these things -- why else would I have the books and music? It's just that those moments of spiritual awakenings come and go so often. (More "go" than "come") That's why I haven't gone to church in a while. The desire is gone for the moment. Maybe it boils down to the idea of cynicism again. I just don't know. Sometimes I get more into religion with a little outside push. (Usually having conversations with Bret that strike up my curiosity again) Can I depend on outside enforcements? It's fine to have them for a few pushes, but they're not always there. That's why I feel it has to come from within me. I guess I'm stuck in a rut. I think that a lot of this has to do with my need for control. I want to be the one to call the shots in my life. Do what I need to make me happy with a little help from God. Why can't it be that simple?

Christ certainly wasn't centered then and I had a difficult time allowing Him to enter into my life. I am now at a point where I'm opening the door. I still have control issues, but I'm learning to let go and let God take the reins now. And I know I'm making progress. My relationship with Christ has certainly developed a great deal since I began this journey and I know there's more steps to go. But I'm at least taking them now. I've come a long way since I wrote that excerpt ten years ago. I've been to depths that I don't want to get into again and I still have walls to climb, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

RCIA week 4

2005-10-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a month of RCIA. I still enjoy going and time is passing so very quickly with everything going on. Although I'm still not learning a lot of new information, I do enjoy the discussion that happens in class and hearing the other questions that people are asking. Many are the same questions that I had as I was searching for answers. The thing is that I'm too impatient to wait for them. I have to look them up and find them out for myself. There's still a few things that I do need to learn and I haven't really taken the time to read EVERYTHING about the Church.
Tonight's lesson was on the Mass. Once again, because I've studied it and have participated in it for the past several months, it's something I already know a great deal about. But the video we watched tonight was interesting and I did learn a few new things.
I was disappointed that several people couldn't come tonight. I know that people get busy and things come up, but it would take a lot to keep me away. I can't learn anything or grow if I don't attend. It's like going to Mass... it's a mortal sin to miss it. I think that when one doesn't go it seems easier for sin to creep in. I think Mass helps keep us focused on God. And so far it has. I know that I could do a better job in my prayer life, but I do know that I'm trying to live a more exemplary life.
So my journey continues.

Joy

2005-10-04T15:03:00.000-07:00

I read the following excerpt from my friend Bret's blog. Although we disagree on spiritual matters since he is a Baptist minister, I thought it was descriptive of my new journey.

If any one supposes that religion consists merely of self-denial and painful austerities, and that it is filled with gloom and melancholy, to the exclusion of all happiness, he greatly mistakes its true character. False religions, and false views of the true religion, may be liable to this charge; but the religion which has God for its author, and which leads the soul to God, is full of peace and joy. It renders us cheerful amidst the trials of life, contented with all the allotments of Divine Providence, happy in the exercises of piety and devotion, and joyful in the hope of an endless felicity. Heaven is near in prospect; and, while on the way to that world of perfect and eternal bliss, we are permitted, in some measure, to anticipate its joys, being, even here, blessed with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ Jesus.^[2] We are enabled, not only to pursue our pilgrimage to the good land with content and cheerfulness, but even to "delight ourselves in the Lord."^[3] Our happiness is not merely the absence of grief and pain, but it is positive delight.
If we loved the truth as we ought, we should experience equal delight in receiving it; and careful investigation of it would be a source of pure and abiding pleasure.

I feel that when I was attending the Baptist church many years ago that it was indeed burdensome to try and live a Christian life. Perhaps it was my youth and the fact that I didn't understand certain things along with my selfishness, but I never felt at home in the Baptist church. I found that religion didn't really help me with my struggles and it simply added to them. I've often heard people talk about the Catholic Church involving a lot of "guilt", but I can say that there was plenty of that back then too. This is how I responded in Bret's comments:

That is a very interesting excerpt. It's how I feel about becoming Catholic. I felt the other way (no offense) in the Baptist church. I felt it was too difficult and too draining. I have yet to feel like I don't want to go to mass. Even those days when I'm exhausted, I still feel uplifted by simply going to mass. I know you still have doubts about my choice, but I am thankful for it. I feel really blessed and eager to learn about God's graces now. And I am at a greater peace than I have ever been and honestly feel really joyful about life. It's been a long time since I've felt that way.

Bret did respond in kind to me stating: Jennifer, of course I still have major doubts about your choice to become Catholic. I don't doubt your feelings as of late. I also don't doubt your feelings in the past when you were at Fellowship Baptist. But feelings, a Christian do not make. Not that emotions are not involved, of course they are.

But I do wonder, have you simply become comfortable with yourself within modern Catholicism, or is your life truly converted to Christ-centeredness? Is it the love of Christ, revealed purely in the Scripture who you now whole-heartedly follow?

The only response I can make is that I think I'm still a work in progress... but I am making progress. I am certainly trying to follow God's will, I am building a relationship with Christ, and I am studying the scriptures so that I can truly call myself a Christian. I am by no means perfect, nor will I ever be. But there is more hope of me getting there now. I know I have changed. I have put a lot of my old ways on the shelf. I'm not so concerned about my relationships with people as I am about my relationship with God. I think at least right now I'm on the right path.

And he's right, it's not just about feelings although they are involved. It is a very conscious decision and effort on my part to devote myself to God's word. And I am trying. Like all relationships, they take time to build. So I'm taking those steps to know Christ, know His will, and build that relationship. And since I've been so terrible at relationships thus far, I know that it may be more difficult for me, but at least I know that God is not one who will abandon me. He's waited this long after all.