It's Been A While, Hasn't It?

For the most part I've abandoned this blog and focused more on my day to day blog. For the record, I'm still Catholic and I still love my faith though I'm not quite "on fire" as I was. Many changes for me has happened in the past five years since I last wrote. Three and a half years ago, I moved from Canyon to San Antonio for a new job. Once I moved here, I loved everything about living here except I did miss my church terribly. I was to the point where I didn't even go to church for about 6 months after I moved here because I couldn't find a comparable church. (And I still haven't.) On a whim, I decided to try the CatholicMatch.com dating site shortly after I moved here. Through that site, I met a guy named Matt who was a Scrabble playing, roller coaster riding Catholic. What more could I ask for? We had our first date in early November 2011. I found out I was his girlfriend around Christmas that year. We got engaged this past November and will be getting married this July. We still don't have a church "home" that we love. We have a local church we attend more often and tolerate it in spite of its lousy choir. Depending on our weekend schedules, we still rotate to other churches as needed.

 So what is the prompt for this blog post? I just read a very interesting conversion story called Something Other Than God by a fellow blogger.  As a convert myself, I enjoy reading the stories of others to find out what prompted their conversions.  Since the author converted from being a self-proclaimed atheist, it was an interesting read.  One of the things that resonated with me was her beginning story of being pressured to accept Jesus as her Lord and Savior.  One of the things that influenced my conversion was my distaste of Protestant methods and my disagreement with their concept of salvation. If you're Catholic or potentially considering becoming Catholic, I think you'd enjoy the read.  Even if you're not Catholic and you don't have a problem Catholics and think we're all going to hell, you'd probably enjoy it.  There's some good humor in it and some thought provoking insights about Catholic beliefs.

So I'm still here.  Still Catholic.  I'm looking forward to my blessed marriage with Matt and hope that we will either find a church to truly call home or at least get more involved in the church we've been going to.  Oh, and I'm still making rosaries.  I sold eight of them recently with another potential order tomorrow.  I guess I should get busy making more!  

Confession is Good for the Soul

As I discerned becoming Catholic, I was very concerned with the notion of confession. To be frank, it scared me. I didn't want to have to confess anything to a priest or anyone else. It is bad enough admitting to myself that I've sinned, but it seems so much worse to have to say it out loud and to someone else. Coming from a perfectionist, this is a very troubling situation.
As I studied the faith I understood the concept of confession - what it is, what it does, and why it's necessary. Despite my "knowledge" of the subject, I still didn't want to do it. Before my first confession, I spent time writing down absolutely everything in as much of an abbreviated version as I could so that I wouldn't have to spend an hour pouring out my sins for the past 27 years (that time since my Baptism). I focused on the "biggies" that were really bad and those things that I often struggled with. I took my list with me - I didn't want to overlook anything. I still make "confessional" lists when I go to this day. I feel better having written it all down. But I digress. My first confession wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Surprisingly, the sense of relief I felt was truly amazing. To know that at that time I had truly been forgiven of all my sins, brought immense joy. Despite that feeling, I had no desire to go back any time soon. The fear of confession is what "kept me in line" for a good long while. After that, I would go for my "yearly" necessity at Easter.
The first time I had to go to "regular" confession as opposed to a penance service, I spent days and hours, beforehand reading up on everything because I wasn't sure if I would do it right. I took a copy of the act of contrition with me because I certainly didn't have it memorized. I had "notes" on what order everything was supposed happen. And I had my handy list of sins. Thankfully, in the confessional there is a laminated sheet with full instructions of what you're supposed to say and do. I survived the confession and once again felt better afterward and realized it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. But then again... I still didn't like it and didn't want to have to go again anytime soon.
About a week and a half ago, it was time for me to go again. This time I had a lot more sins that I was dealing with - let's just say there were some biggies. I had been seeking my own will was going through a dry spell of sorts when it came to my faith. Oh, sure, I still went to Mass weekly and played the part, but I was falling deeper into my own self-absorbed life that my relationship with God was mostly non-existent. In hindsight it is so obvious that once you start heading down the wrong path, it is easy to stray from everything - and my problem was that I tried to justify my actions and downplay their seriousness. But thankfully, God didn't abandon me. I found myself in a moment where I knew I needed to get back on track. I knew the only way that was possible was through total and complete forgiveness that I could only get through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. So I made myself go. Once again, it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be (though it was still difficult). Once again, the relief of receiving full forgiveness was incredible.
As much as I still ultimately fear the confrontation, contemplation, and confession of my sins, I realize that there is great joy in having this sacrament available to me. When I was involved in the Baptist church, there was no true repentance for me when I would pray to God and confess my sins to him. It was so easy to slip back into a sinful nature because of this. I could only "hope" that I was forgiven by God - but I never had that certainty. For me, this Sacrament has made all the difference in my spiritual relationship. Yes, I still sin. I still have dry spells, but knowing that when I do fall, that I can confess, repent, and truly be forgiven is a wonderful blessing.
As I renew my faith and work on building my relationship with God again, I pray that I will make a regular practice of participating in confession. After all - can we ever receive too much Grace from God?

Five minutes of fame

I know I haven't posted here in a very long time. I'm generally updating in my regular blog. My faith is still a big part of me and I still love going to Mass.

About a month ago, I was asked to do a radio interview for American Catholic radio. A lady contacted me because she had read my Catholic blog and was interested in conversion stories during the season of Lent. I was very flattered by this and I agreed to the interview. She called me at school one day during my lunch and we visited for about 30 minutes. The interviewed aired on March 24. I hadn't realized that it had aired until I got an email today from someone who heard it. So I listened to it. I thought it was a very nice interview and that it was put together well. So if you're interested you can hear the interview here. The interview starts about 5 minutes in and lasts for about 5 minutes.

Still Catholic

I think this is the longest I've ever participated in church in my life (and I'm 38 years old). I've been going to church regularly for 2 1/2 years. I know I haven't posted in a while. I chronicled my journey and although it continues, I haven't been inspired to write anything. I'm still going to church weekly. I still sing in the choir. I've been going to the adult faith formation classes which have been going over John Paul II's Theology of the Body. That has been really enlightening. I'm finally "getting it" when it comes to sex and relationships. I still haven't had a date in over two years, but I'm learning that it is o.k.

I've continued to make rosaries and now I'm selling them online if anyone is interested. I sold some at a local craft fair and I'm trying to raise enough money to pay for my GRE test. I am going to go back to grad school and am trying to figure out how to finance it.

Other than that, I'm simply living and trying to manage life between work, home, and church. I'm still very happy to be a part of the Catholic faith and I will continue to grow and learn in it.

My Rosaries

Early in my Catholic journey I learned to make rosaries. I made my first one in the fall of 2005 as I was in RCIA class. By the time Easter Vigil arrived, I made one for every person entering the Church with me along with a few others. Since then, I've made several more that I've given away to others like my friend Summer. I've probably made 40+ rosaries at this point and every one of them have been unique. I've never sold one as they have all been gifts. I can't even tell you how much I've spent in making them, but it's just something I enjoy. Each rosary costs anywhere from a couple of dollars to make to upwards of $15 depending on the kind of beads, centers and crosses I use. I may have to start selling them just to keep my habit up. I really don't know if there would be a market for them, but I've received compliments from every person that has received one. I've always enjoyed being creative and crafty and this is something that incorporates that. It is a moment of peace that lets me get away from the world for a few moments when I make them. I hope and pray that every person that has received one of my rosaries has been able to use it to further their spiritual life. I don't pray the rosary as much as I should. Sometimes, I do recite it as I string each bead. Now that I have a craft room again, I've been more active in making them - that is until I've run out of materials. I'll have to wait until payday next week to replenish my supplies.

At this point I have 21 rosaries at home. (Aside from my personal rosaries.) I've put 20 of them online if you'd like to see them. I have another that I'm holding on to with someone in mind that I'd like to give it to. If you're interested in a rosary, email me and let me know and we'll figure out a price. If you'd like me to make one for you, I can do that as well. Several I've made with the person it's going to in mind and I try to chose colors/materials that seem to fit them.

Discernment

I am at a place where I wish I could really know God's will for me. I was reading a forum that got into a discussion about being single, Catholic, and middle-aged. It started with a comment that someone had heard stating singles within the Church are called to either marriage or to religious life and that in not choosing either one is being selfish. The comments took off from there, and there was a lot of frustration noted by other singles. To some degree I am single by choice. I did choose to get divorced. Luckily, I was able to have that marriage annulled as well. I married for the wrong reasons to the wrong person. Since getting divorced and coming into the Church, I've tried to figure out what I'm supposed to do. I am 99% certain that I'm not called to religious life. I leave the 1% open for God's sense of humor. I feel strongly that I am called to marriage, but since I've started to participate in church, I haven't had a single date. I don't know if it's because I am seeking too much perfection or that there simply aren't any more decent single men available. I don't think it's the concept of looking for perfection because honestly, I haven't even been able to meet anyone for me to begin passing judgment on. (a little humor here) So it's not really a matter of me being selfish, perhaps it is simply not God's will. If that's the case, why do I have the desire? Why can't I accept it and leave it at that? I am open to marriage but when I look at it realistically, I often feel a sense of hopelessness. The availability of men within my age (give or take a few years) seems to be lessening every day. Sure, preferably, I would like to marry another Catholic. But at this point, I think I'd settle for someone with Christian values. I don't consider myself truly single by choice, but more by circumstance.

What gets me is the fact that I think in terms of readiness, I am more open and ready now than I've ever been before. I'm to the point where I finally "get it." I know, understand, and agree with the Church's teachings with regard to chastity and marriage. I am learning what it means to really love another. (Thanks to the fact that I'm teaching that chapter in our adult class.) I know I should be more patient, but when one is nearing the age of 40 (in a few years), it seems more unlikely that marriage is even a possibility. I know, I know. With God, all things are possible. I know this logically. I know if it's His will, it will happen. I just don't know how to reconcile that in my heart and in my head. I constantly pray for Him to take away my desire or to make it happen. I often feel guilty when I pray for myself in that way. I know that He knows my needs and will take care of me, but He still hasn't taken away that desire. In the meantime, I don't know what to do with myself. I participate in the Church. I sing in the choir, play my instrument, and attend the adult faith formation class. I don't know if that's enough or if I should be doing more. I don't know what talents I have to share. I wish there was something in our Parish for singles. Not in the sense of dating, but for support and friendship. I wouldn't say that being single is being an outcast, but in some ways it is. There isn't really any ministry for singles it seems. I shouldn't complain. I love my parish, the people, the priest, and the faith. I am in a much better place than I've ever been. It seems I'm always guilty of wanting more than I've got, however. But the main thing is that I really wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing instead of flying by the seat of my pants. I feel that I was called into this faith for a reason but I have yet to figure out what it is.

I know where all of this is coming from. I know I'm just having a moment of loneliness and it will pass. I will go a few months with no thought to any of this (when things get busy) and then during a lull it will hit me again. I think part of it is realizing that in two years, my son will be leaving to go to college and I will be absolutely alone for the first time in 18 years and it is very scary. Although I've met several people within the church, I still have very few friends.

I will just keep praying that God's will be done and that He reveals it to me sooner, rather than later... and if not, to give me the patience to wait. I wouldn't mind if you prayed for me as well.

Contentment

I was sitting in Mass this morning with a smile on my face. I just felt happy to be there. I was sitting alone and I was o.k. with it. I simply felt joy being in the presence of God. I have had moments where my faith seems to weaken and I live in my own pity parties, but I rejoice in the fact that I always have this place to come back to. I loved how the Bishop put it today. He called it "recharging our spiritual batteries." Before coming into the Church, I struggled with the notion of having to go to Mass EVERY Sunday. I wasn't sure if I was up for it, but now I can't imagine missing a Sunday. It really does wonders for the soul. I can't imagine not being able to take part in the Eucharist. That in itself does wonders to keep me on the mostly straight and narrow path. I'm still not fond of confession - it's the idea of actually admitting my own imperfections, but that's a fault within me and not the Church. Despite this, I feel as though I have this new kind of wisdom. I'm finally "getting it" so to speak. Oh, I know I still have a ways to go and I know what I need to work on, but I feel very blessed to have the Church to help in that endeavor. I am starting to fit in and get to know people. I felt very privileged to be able to teach the Sunday school class today. I guess it went pretty well except that we didn't get through the entire lesson. It was pretty long though. I know that religion and church isn't for everyone, but I am truly thankful for it. It has been an amazing experience and the journey really has just begun.

I'm still working on my post regarding love, but have been sidetracked in preparing for the Sunday school lesson. I'll try to get it done in the next week. Pray for me to focus on it.

Coming soon

I haven't abandoned this blog, but I am currently busy at the National Speech tournament in Wichita, KS. I am working on another lengthy post and it will take some time to write. Just wanted to give you an update and let you know that I'll be posting something in the next few days hopefully.

Is the Honeymoon Over?

I've spent the past hour and a half re-reading this blog. I am actually quite amazed at some of the profound things I've written. I am dismayed, however, by the fact that my excitement and passion have seemed to wane. I still love being Catholic. It is a great joy to be a part of this community of faith. I have found some wonderful acquaintances and friends in my church. I am still a better person because of my faith. I just haven't been "on fire" lately and haven't written in a long time. Posts have become few and far between. I'm letting life get in the way too often it seems. My prayer life is greatly diminished and I can't remember the last time I actually spent time studying the Bible or aspects of the faith. I was doing well for a while by attending the adult faith formation classes at church, but I started having tournaments and other things happen on weekends and I'd have to go to a late Sunday evening Mass instead. I still go to Mass faithfully every weekend and I am making sure to go when I am out of town this weekend. I just can't explain why things have seemed to diminish in terms of my enthusiasm.

I think I am better when I'm more involved. As long as I have a class to participate in or choir or something "extra" it keeps me going and inspires me. Right now most of that is gone though I'm excited that class will continue this summer starting after this weekend. I know when I had RCIA weekly it helped me stay pumped up and now I find that simply attending Mass isn't enough. Perhaps I should try to go more often during the week now that school is out and get to adoration.

I don't have the answers, but at least I'm aware of my stagnation and I'm going to try to make the effort to do better. I haven't fallen into sin (other than some venial ones) but I do have some work to do on my part.

Just one of the reasons I'm Catholic

My friend Bret who I've mentioned before in my posts is at the Southern Baptist Convention in San Antonio. He wrote a post about his first experience there and all the drama that went on. It seems there will continue be drama as he talks about the debates going such as the one for and against Calvinism. One of the major issues that started me on my journey into Catholicism was trying to figure out which of all the religious denominations was the "best for me" or which one of them was at least the most right. Why did we have so many off-shoots of Christianity? What made the Baptists more right than the Lutherans, or Methodists or Episcopalians? Even the Baptists don't agree any more as there are now branches of Baptists like the Southern Baptists, American Baptists, Conservative Baptists and Reformed Baptists. According to Wikipedia Baptists are represented in more than fifty separate groups. But then there are all the other denominations to consider including those claiming to be "non-denominational." According to The Christian Sourcebook, there are approximately 20-30,000 denominations, with 270 new ones being formed each year. Virtually all of these are Protestant. (Source) If all those denominations "know" the truth by revelation of the Holy Spirit, yet not all of them agree on their teachings, how does one really know the truth? Is the Holy Spirit telling one group this and another group that? How can the Holy Spirit contradict itself?
I started looking at the timelines of all these denominations. The Baptists have been around since about 1639 and Southern Baptists only since 1845. Methodists began in the 18th century while Presbyterians began around 1572. We all know that most of this began with Luther posted his 95 Theses in 1517. Luther might have had some good reasons to question things going on in the Church at the time, which ultimately led to the Church examining itself. This is what led me to realize that the oldest Christian Church was Catholic. And for over 2000 years it's teachings haven't wavered. The Church has clarified teachings and pronounced it's doctrines, but nothing has ever been changed. Although we have both the Tradition and the Bible, neither contradict one another. There have been some bad leaders and bad priests, but yet it has stood the test of time. There are no debates as to whether Mary should be venerated or whether the Eucharist really is the body and blood of Christ. Although different Parish's have different styles - the Mass is still the same. There are more traditional Churches and those that would be considered Contemporary, but regardless, it all has the same teachings from one Magisterium. And when I examined the specific teachings of the Church, I couldn't disagree with any of them. They all made sense to me and that is what ultimately led to my faith journey.
I've always had a problem with many of the basic Protestant beliefs like sola scriptura and the concept of salvation which I've written about before. I know that my friend and I don't agree in several areas of beliefs, but I hope that he realizes that I am far closer to his concept of "salvation" in the Catholic church than I ever was in the Baptist.

Interesting Thought

The search for the exotic, the strange, the unusual...
has often taken the form of pilgrimages,
of turning away from the world,
the "Journey to the East",
to another country
or to a different Religion.

The great lesson from true mystics,
from the Zen monks,
and now also from...psychologists--
that the sacred is in the ordinary...
and that travel may be flight from confronting the sacred--
this lesson can be easily lost.

To be looking elsewhere for miracles
is to me a sure sign of the ignorance
that everything is miraculous.

A.H. Maslow

Yes, it's been a while.

I'm still here. I'm still going to Church. I'm involved as much as I can be in the Church right now. A part of me really wants to do more, but I am so swamped with other things that I don't know how I would do it. I did get to sing this week. That has been a huge step for me. I didn't mind so much singing within a much larger group, but when there's only 4 of us, it is a bit frightening... but I do it anyways because I love it.

I was actually able to go to the adult faith formation class today which was nice. I regret not going more regularly, but the past few weekends have been very late Saturday nights with tournaments.

I still love being Catholic, but I'm in a state where I'm really just going with the flow of life right now and I'm not really growing as much as I should spiritually. But Lent is coming up and I am hoping that I will be able to get myself on track. O.k. I hope the Holy Spirit helps me get on track. I've been contemplating what I should give up and I'm at a loss. I don't know that I have anything else to give up that would really be meaningful. The only thing I know that I would have a very difficult time giving up is the internet. But it is a huge part of everything I do in both my personal life and in work. I don't think I could totally give it up, but I could force myself to limit it perhaps. I think perhaps instead of giving up something like cokes or desserts that perhaps I should devote more time to prayer and those things that will bring me closer to God. Perhaps I should commit to going to adoration, Stations of the Cross instead of focusing on what I should limit in my life. I don't know, but these are thoughts in my head right now.

Saint for 2007

I was chosen by St. Francis de Sales

Get your saint of the year.

I will try to write more in blog posts later. I need to spend some time looking up information on him, but I do like this quote I found so far....

Some torment themselves in seeking means to discover the art of loving God, and do not know - poor creatures - that there is no art or means of loving Him but to love those who love Him - that is, to begin to practice those thing which are pleasing to Him.

Saint Francis de Sales

Finding Faith

How does one go about developing their faith in God? Oh, I know you can pray for faith, but what happens when you pray and your faith seems to diminish? I know I probably don't pray enough or do enough to warrant an increase. I suppose desire simply isn't enough.

I do have faith in God. I believe in Him, His laws, and His will. I can certainly know that just because things don't go my way that it's probably not in God's will, but what happens when you have no idea as to what His will is? Why is it that you question your faith more in times of trouble and sadness instead of leaning more on it?

Sometimes I feel I'm still not doing enough despite going to Church multiple times a week, singing in the choir, and praying. Maybe it's simply that the "honeymoon stage" is over. Now I'm left with actually living out my faith, which I try to do, but it's difficult when you are questioning it. I don't question my belief in God or the Church. I just wonder if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I still feel that my faith is very limited. I feel like I'm overwhelmed with other responsibilities and I can't ever catch up and take the time to put more into it.

I don't expect answers and I know that I should pray more... the problem for me is the difference between knowing and actually doing.

Coincidence?

We started our adult faith formation classes today. Well, it started last week, but we didn't have our books until this week. Today was a wonderful class with lots of discussion and examples and I probably talked and shared too much as always.

I noticed something quite interesting tonight. I was reading through our book that we are using for class and the author's name seemed familiar. His name is Mark Link which you may have heard of... but I never had before or so I thought. About a week ago, I checked out a book of poetry from our school library. It is an older book published around 1972, but there were several great poems in there that made me think along with scripture passages and such. I'd been thinking about posting some of them on here and sharing my thoughts about them, but you know how time just seems to slip by. Well, I knew the name was familiar and it turns out that he put together that book of poetry as well. It is a collection of a lot of poems by different authors, but he wrote some the verse as well. I thought that was really interesting. The book is called "In the Stillness is the Dancing." I think I'll try to order a used copy of it so I can have it for myself. I'll leave you with a poem that spoke to me.

I hope that I will always be for each man
what he needs me to be.
I hope that each man's death will diminish me,
but fear of my own
will never diminish my joy of life.
I hope that my love for those whom I like
will never lessen my love
for those whom I do not.
I hpe that another man's love for me
will never be a measure of my love for him.

I hope that every man will accept me as I am,
but that I never will.
I hope that I will always ask for forgiveness from others,
but will never need to be asked for my own.
I hope that I will always recognize my limitations,
but that I will construct none.
I hope that loving will always be my goal,
but that love will never be my idol.
I hope that every man will always have hope.

College student, quoted by Henri J.M. Nouwen

My Salvation

I often joke with people when I talk about my journey into Catholicism that when I was a Baptist, I had been "saved" three times and Batptized twice. Regardless of my commitment to Christ and my "salvation" I always questioned it. The concept of predestination always bothered me. That is the idea that one is predestined to be saved or not. If a person had been already chosen by God to be saved, then it would happen regardless. If a person was not chosen, then there is nothing they could do to become saved. I often questioned my own salvation because although I had those moments of "accepting Christ as my personal savior" I still struggled with sin and the true desire to live a Christian life. I felt that although I wanted a relationship with Christ, I didn't know how to make myself become what I was supposed to be. I didn't understand how a person could be "saved" and still live a life of sin and still get to heaven. Protestants answer that by stating that "well, then the person probably really wasn't saved because they weren't sincere in their commitment." They contend that if salvation really happened for that person, then they will automatically live a good Christian life and have the desire in them. I know that there are often times where those "saved" take time to re-commit themselves to Christ because although they were supposedly "saved" they had moments of sinful struggles. Then there are those that realize that they were really not "saved" before but finally make the true commitment that they didn't make before.

My first experience with salvation came when I was nine years old. I was at a large Baptist church and the pastor had the typical "Alter Call" and I felt compelled to go up with the others and dedicate my life for Christ. Honestly I probably felt kind of scared because I was afraid of going to hell. But I went up and kneeled on the steps and waited patiently for someone to come talk to me... because that's what they did. And nobody came and I started to feel foolish and I think I started to cry because I was kind of scared and I didn't know what to do. Finally an adult came to talk to me and took me to a little room off the side. I can't remember really what happened exactly, but they probably talked to me about salvation and asked me if I wanted to be saved. I'm sure I said the Jesus prayer. I can't remember if it was the same day or another Sunday, but I was Baptized and I was happy that I wasn't going to hell any more. I enjoyed going to church, but eventually stopped going when we moved.

I was later "saved" again when I was 15 in high school but never made the commitment to actively attend church. Although my good friend Bret and his parents would pick me up and take me, I could never really get into it. Finally, for the third time, I was "saved" in college. For a brief time, I did make the commitment and really got into going to church. But like before, the feeling waned and I fell away from my commitment.

During that time I stopped going to church, I still believed in God but decided that perhaps I didn't believe in "religion." At one point I thought that maybe if I studied different denominations I could find one that better "fit" me, but I didn't get far with that thought. Finally after a ten+ year lapse I discovered Catholicism. Studying the faith gave me answers to the many gnawing questions I had. The more I read, the more it made sense to me. It was no longer a matter of finding a church to "fit" me, but becoming part of the one, true Church established by Christ.

A big factor in my conversion was the Catholic concept of salvation. Deep down I always had the belief that salvation wasn't a simple one time commitment, but an ongoing responsibility. The teachings of the Church confirmed that for me and I've found that I have far more confidence in my salvation now than I ever did before. To me, the protestant concept is like an easy out. One doesn't really have to work that hard to earn their place in heaven. Or it's an easy out in that if I'm predestined, then I can live however I like and then God will let me know when it's time for me to commit. I was worried that perhaps I wasn't called to be saved but am thankful now to know that all are called. The concept of free will was a big thing for me and I wrote two lengthy posts on it. If we have no free will, then what is the purpose of trying to be good? Without free will, we are merely puppets in God's hand and it won't matter how we live because he will take the puppets He likes up to heaven and condemn the others to hell. If we're supposed to build a relationship with God, we have to make the choice to do so. Even in the protestant denominations one still has to choose to be saved. And for the record, I do still believe that salvation is a gift from God, but as Father Phan said today, "We have to choose to accept that gift and keep accepting it." We can't simply accept it once and then put it on the shelf. I know that because I continue to accept God's graces, they are are working in my life. I know that my salvation is dependent on my choices and not a one time commitment. I know that for the first time, I am on the right track in building a relationship with Christ. I know that I still have a long way to go, but I am anxious and excited to be a part of the journey.

Simple, yet profound

I read this on a yahoo page that is allowing people to create and submit things for a time capsule.

"I believe that if those who proclaim to follow Christ lived their lives as Christ did the world would be at peace."

One of the things that kept me away from church and religion for many years was the great amounts of hypocrisy I observed in people that called themselves "Christian." The WWJD bracelets were a big hit years ago and I still see them from time to time. Just in case you're not familiar with the logo it stands for "What Would Jesus Do?" Wearing it was to serve as a reminder that one should live their lives as Christ would. They should act and say things as Christ would. They should live as examples for others. Yet, I was amazed at people wearing those bracelets or other jewelry that would tell about the sinful things they did on weekends and hear them talking down to others or wishing bad things on those they didn't like. I became very disheartened and I knew that although I was probably as sinful as they were, I didn't attempt to proclaim my Christian status to the world. I struggled with being "good" so much that I just gave up. Overall, I was a good, moral person, but there were sins that to be frank, I enjoyed. I look back and see it as selfish behavior on my part, but I didn't want to try to live a life that I knew I couldn't. It was too hard. I didn't like being hypocritical and be one of those Sunday Christians. So I stopped going to church. I decided that if and when it was time for me to return, God would let me know. Thankfully, He reminded me about two years ago and led me home to my wonderful faith.

I now see things through different eyes it seems. Sure, there are still those that have a fair-weather faith, but I also see a great many that are devout in theirs. Instead of judging those that I saw as hyprocrites before, I pray for them and realize they struggle with sin like all of us. For some the struggle is harder than others. I know. I've been there. But with the graces I've received from God, it's easier to deal with. I am finding that I can live more Christ-like with the graces I've received as part of the Catholic Church and I continue to thank God for it. I pray that others may find the same joy and peace that I have discovered.

Nothing much to say

I apologize for my lack of posts here. It seems I haven't had much to say. Part of it has been the fact that life has gotten busy, but also, I have been feeling a bit down and haven't had felt inspired much. And just when I needed it, Father's homily today hit home. He talked about how negativity tends to feed sin. I realized that I've been kind of down and feeling a bit sorry for myself and I realized that isn't very healthy for me in more ways than one. I'm still focusing on things that honestly have been a distraction for me and I need to stop. I still have this trust issue that I seem to have had my entire life... or since my marriage... I'm not sure which... but it has rolled over into my trust in God. I can know that God will provide for me and I can believe in Him, but sometimes I still feel that I have to do certain things. I guess my impatience has been running rampant. I need to do some heavy prayer and ask for help in letting go of those things I still want to control. That is another area that I'm still not doing so well in. Father Phan constantly preaches about how important prayer is and I can know and understand that, but getting into it is difficult for me. Honestly, my prayer life stinks. I don't make time for it and when I do pray it's the same stuff over and over. When I try to make time for it I have a very difficult time focusing and my mind tends to wander into other things.
I still have no idea what God's will for me is. I guess he isn't ready to reveal that or perhaps I'm just not listening. I sometimes feel kind of aimless. I absolutely love being a part of the Catholic Church and I KNOW that I was called to be a part of it. Now I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I'm taking part in the music ministry and attending RCIA classes again, but sometimes it seems that it's not enough. I want to learn more but I don't seem to have much time lately. I just pray that God at least gives me a few hints here and there or those nudges he gave me when I was first called to simply read about the Catholic faith. I know I've come a long way, but I also know that I have a long way to go.

Inspiring

I was late to RCIA class tonight because I made goodies for the class. I was happy to see that when I got there that the tables were all full. I counted 18 people there tonight. It is very inspiring to see others that are interested in learning about the Church and are giving serious consideration to joining it. I know there will be those that don't go through the whole process, but hopefully it will at least get them to start thinking about their own faith and belief in God. I wasn't able to fully get myself involved in class tonight because of being late and worrying about the food. It turned out the food was a hit so I was happy that they didn't go away hungry. I am starting to really feel like I am a part of the parish now. I know that might seem strange since I've been going since February of 2005. I've been in the choir and participated in Mass, but now I'm starting to feel like part of the Church. I am getting to the point where I know several others... slowly, but surely. When I drove up there tonight I thought about how good it feels to have a place that is like my second home and the fact that I have this wonderful family. I don't know where I'd be without such wonderful people like my good friend Carol or Mary the choir director or so many others that have been a part of my growth in the Church. I just felt so uplifted and inspired to be involved in such a great faith and a great community of people. I pray that everyone in the RCIA class this year gets to that point and feels welcomed.

A long overdue post

I do feel bad that I haven't posted much. With school starting, it is so busy. I have kind of had the funks lately, but am coming out of that. I've contemplated my purpose and God's will and still haven't come up with answers. My friend Carol told me tonight that God is trying to teach me patience and I certainly agree... but haven't quite learned the lesson yet. At least I'm trying but should try a bit more I suppose.

I am still going to Mass and still love it. On labor day weekend, I was in Albuquerque (well near it) and I went to a mission church out there. It was kind of different, but interesting. The songs were sung in Spanish so I couldn't participate much.

Tonight I went to RCIA class. I know I just went through it, but I still feel the need to keep learning. I think this time that a lot of it can really sink in. I felt very inspired being there tonight. It was a pretty full room (well, full for our church) with about 17 people there. I feel excited for the people there and I really hope that all or at least most of the stay with it and join the Church.

After class I met with one lady that had questions about annulments. She was asking them of my friend Carol who works in the tribunal office, but was kind enough to allow me to stay. We had a nice long conversation and I am very excited about her enthusiasm. I see a lot of myself in her. I will be praying for her and that her journey is as fulfilling as mine.

I was disappointed earlier this summer to learn that our priest wasn't going to be teaching an adult faith formation class. I did learn tonight, however, that some other men of the Church are trying to put together an apologetics class and I am very excited about it!

Well, that's all the updates for now. Perhaps I'll be able to start posting more again with classes happening again. Stay tuned.