Five minutes of fame

I know I haven't posted here in a very long time. I'm generally updating in my regular blog. My faith is still a big part of me and I still love going to Mass.

About a month ago, I was asked to do a radio interview for American Catholic radio. A lady contacted me because she had read my Catholic blog and was interested in conversion stories during the season of Lent. I was very flattered by this and I agreed to the interview. She called me at school one day during my lunch and we visited for about 30 minutes. The interviewed aired on March 24. I hadn't realized that it had aired until I got an email today from someone who heard it. So I listened to it. I thought it was a very nice interview and that it was put together well. So if you're interested you can hear the interview here. The interview starts about 5 minutes in and lasts for about 5 minutes.

My Salvation

I often joke with people when I talk about my journey into Catholicism that when I was a Baptist, I had been "saved" three times and Batptized twice. Regardless of my commitment to Christ and my "salvation" I always questioned it. The concept of predestination always bothered me. That is the idea that one is predestined to be saved or not. If a person had been already chosen by God to be saved, then it would happen regardless. If a person was not chosen, then there is nothing they could do to become saved. I often questioned my own salvation because although I had those moments of "accepting Christ as my personal savior" I still struggled with sin and the true desire to live a Christian life. I felt that although I wanted a relationship with Christ, I didn't know how to make myself become what I was supposed to be. I didn't understand how a person could be "saved" and still live a life of sin and still get to heaven. Protestants answer that by stating that "well, then the person probably really wasn't saved because they weren't sincere in their commitment." They contend that if salvation really happened for that person, then they will automatically live a good Christian life and have the desire in them. I know that there are often times where those "saved" take time to re-commit themselves to Christ because although they were supposedly "saved" they had moments of sinful struggles. Then there are those that realize that they were really not "saved" before but finally make the true commitment that they didn't make before.

My first experience with salvation came when I was nine years old. I was at a large Baptist church and the pastor had the typical "Alter Call" and I felt compelled to go up with the others and dedicate my life for Christ. Honestly I probably felt kind of scared because I was afraid of going to hell. But I went up and kneeled on the steps and waited patiently for someone to come talk to me... because that's what they did. And nobody came and I started to feel foolish and I think I started to cry because I was kind of scared and I didn't know what to do. Finally an adult came to talk to me and took me to a little room off the side. I can't remember really what happened exactly, but they probably talked to me about salvation and asked me if I wanted to be saved. I'm sure I said the Jesus prayer. I can't remember if it was the same day or another Sunday, but I was Baptized and I was happy that I wasn't going to hell any more. I enjoyed going to church, but eventually stopped going when we moved.

I was later "saved" again when I was 15 in high school but never made the commitment to actively attend church. Although my good friend Bret and his parents would pick me up and take me, I could never really get into it. Finally, for the third time, I was "saved" in college. For a brief time, I did make the commitment and really got into going to church. But like before, the feeling waned and I fell away from my commitment.

During that time I stopped going to church, I still believed in God but decided that perhaps I didn't believe in "religion." At one point I thought that maybe if I studied different denominations I could find one that better "fit" me, but I didn't get far with that thought. Finally after a ten+ year lapse I discovered Catholicism. Studying the faith gave me answers to the many gnawing questions I had. The more I read, the more it made sense to me. It was no longer a matter of finding a church to "fit" me, but becoming part of the one, true Church established by Christ.

A big factor in my conversion was the Catholic concept of salvation. Deep down I always had the belief that salvation wasn't a simple one time commitment, but an ongoing responsibility. The teachings of the Church confirmed that for me and I've found that I have far more confidence in my salvation now than I ever did before. To me, the protestant concept is like an easy out. One doesn't really have to work that hard to earn their place in heaven. Or it's an easy out in that if I'm predestined, then I can live however I like and then God will let me know when it's time for me to commit. I was worried that perhaps I wasn't called to be saved but am thankful now to know that all are called. The concept of free will was a big thing for me and I wrote two lengthy posts on it. If we have no free will, then what is the purpose of trying to be good? Without free will, we are merely puppets in God's hand and it won't matter how we live because he will take the puppets He likes up to heaven and condemn the others to hell. If we're supposed to build a relationship with God, we have to make the choice to do so. Even in the protestant denominations one still has to choose to be saved. And for the record, I do still believe that salvation is a gift from God, but as Father Phan said today, "We have to choose to accept that gift and keep accepting it." We can't simply accept it once and then put it on the shelf. I know that because I continue to accept God's graces, they are are working in my life. I know that my salvation is dependent on my choices and not a one time commitment. I know that for the first time, I am on the right track in building a relationship with Christ. I know that I still have a long way to go, but I am anxious and excited to be a part of the journey.

Come to Jesus Moments

Most people have them at some point. I had it on occasion when I was going to the Baptist church. After all, I was "saved" three times. Many people have them when they have hit rock bottom of their life and perhaps when they end up in jail or something. My son's father did that briefly after a stint in jail. (Just so you know, I never married his father so that aspect wasn't a part of our lives.) I had my doubts, however, about his sincerity. Sure enough, it was short-lived. But do people have life changing moments when it comes to religion? I would have to say yes. For many, they have a sincere conversion and they truly live a good Christian lifestyle. For others, like myself on occasion, have good intentions and want to be able to be more Christ-centered, but it generally fades. And some, I'm sure it's all a facade and they're fooling themselves and others.

I watched a show on A&E the other day about Karla Faye Tucker. She was convicted of killing two people and received the death penalty. Many of you might be familiar with the story. After she started serving jail time she went through a conversion process after a group came to do a religious presentation of sorts. Was her conversion real? Probably so given the testimony of the people around her. Ultimately her appeals processes ran out and she was executed - the first woman in Texas in a long time. Did she deserve to die? I am not certain of that. I used to have a fairly staunch view that the death penalty was quite justified. After all, it's written in the Bible. But does a person that committed the crime under the influence of drugs and then later has a true conversion process deserve it?

But what makes a true conversion? How can one know if it's real? I think the only one with that answer is God, Himself. He knows what is in our hearts. Much of my questioning when I went through my religious moments was not really knowing if my salvation was real or if I could change like I knew I should. I'm not going to dismiss the Baptists and their ways of bringing people to Christ. Certainly good work is done in all kinds of churches. And many people in all kinds of denominations live Godly lives. I know for me, however, my true conversion didn't happen until I made the decision to become Catholic. It wasn't one of those broken moments where I had no where else to turn. It was a gentle calling. Everything just seemed to come together and for the first time it all made sense to me. Although some people that have known me a long time might not say that I've changed much, but I know what kind of change has happened in me. My thought processes are different. I value different things. My moral compass has shifted. I have a desire to grow in and learn about my faith. I want to live a life in God's grace. I think that by becoming Catholic, I have that chance. Although some people thrive in other denominations, it is often short-lived it seems. I know that the sacraments I have participated in have done wonders. It's nothing I can really explain, but I know that I am different because of them.

I was so worried about about having to change myself to come back to "religion", but I don't what I was thinking. I am still me. I am just a better me.

Common Conversion Elements

One of the forums that I read daily is the Catholic Online Forum and in particular the Converts and New Catholics thread. The other day the following was posted in regard to a common thread that is noticed in most converts to the faith. My comments are italicized after each point.

1) Few (if any) have started their conversion from some knocking on their doors handing out Catholic tracts or "witnessing".

Absolutely nobody came to me in regard to becoming Catholic or even going to Church. I just found an interest because of knowing Marty and meeting his family.

2) Researching on one's own. Seems as if a LOT of people do at least some research (if not a lot) either before they decide to convert or just after. I think Catholic bookstores must do a thriving business from people pondering entering the Catholic Church.

I did a GREAT deal of research before making the decision to convert. I started reading in Sept. 2004, emailed the local Parish in Feb. 2005 and then called in March. Although I hadn’t decided 100% at the time, it was because of the research I did that led me to that point. It was the experience of attending Mass that led me to know it was right.

3) Individual decision. Seems as if everyone's decision came from themselves and not from an open discussion with others. What I mean, is that each person genuinely reflected and prayed on this decision. And when he or she announces the decision, others are somewhat surprised.

This one is true in every sense of the word. Although I had talked to Marty about it to some degree, it was really all my own decision. And yes, several were surprised, but most seemed pleased at the decision.

4) Reverance and history. Seems many people are drawn towards the reverance of Mass. And they are also amazed at Church history. Also, they "discover" the Catholic Church was indeed established by Christ.

Again, true in every sense. I adored the tradition, the reverence and history. As I have continued to study the faith, it is all the more clear that this is the Church founded by Christ. It also makes the most sense compared to other denominations.

5) The Eucharist. Many seem not to have had so much of a keen desire for the Eucharist until they get closer to their acceptance into the Church.

The Eucharist is something that didn’t mean much to me when I first started attending. But as I have begun to understand the sacraments, it is something that I cannot wait to receive. I am not quite “giddy”, but I am getting excited!

6) Peace. Wow - it really does seem a lot of people feel inner peace.

I can’t even begin to explain the peace I have felt since coming into the Church. It is absolutely amazing. Certainly I still have worries and things to deal with, but everything seems to be so insignificant in the scheme of things. I am finally understanding and trying to follow God’s will for me and it is such a great comfort.

7) Spiritual joy. How can I describe this?

I have found true spiritual joy and I am really surprised by it. I thought of myself as so very lost and almost in a pagan state for so long. I am awed by the fact that I have been so driven in this journey. You would understand better if you knew more about my background, but let me say that it is a pleasant surprise.

8) The fight. Seems many people really struggle with themselves over this decision. And almost always there comes a time when the convert says, "OK, Lord. I'm done fighting with you."

This is the only thing that didn’t ring true for me. I have always had the mindset that when God wanted to build a relationship with me again, then He would let me know. I would have to say it was just a lot of gentle nudges that I didn’t fight, but said more or less…"O.k., I get it. This is what I am supposed to do."

9) A void or a calling. Seems as if many people have felt some sort of void or something was calling to them.

I’m not sure if I would say it was a void or calling. It really started out as simple curiosity and it snowballed. So I guess the calling was there… and sure the void was there as I had given up on religion for about 10-11 years.

And this was added by another reply.

10) Catholics who life their faith. While few have been converted by people knocking on their door, many have been converted by the personal witness of other Catholics.

My interest truly originated by the simple observation of Marty’s family and their devotion to their faith. As I have been going to Mass it has continued to grow from the wonderful people I have encountered. My sponsor, Carol, is a great inspiration to me. I am not sure if I would be where I am without her. I have also found that everyone I have met within the church have been absolutely warm, welcoming and genuine. That is why it really feels like home.

Last of the old blog posts

This is the last of the postings from my other blog. Again, some are just paragraphs of larger posts that weren't all church related. And so this brings us to the beginning of this blog. I am grateful for this medium to voice my thoughts on this journey and thank God for all of His blessings. If you read, thank you for stopping by. I would probably post whether anyone read or not, but by knowing there are some regular readers out there, I find that I try to make more of an effort to post regularly.

Monday, May 02, 2005

I'm also working on a response to my friend from California. He sent me another email. Turns out he found my blog and I think some of the things I wrote hit him the wrong way. He apologized to me for his lack of attentiveness over the years. I sent him a short reply back stating that I wasn't upset by that or with him in any way. I understood that as people move away and move on in their lives they can't always stay in touch. I also told him that I knew he would have concerns over my conversion and that we can agree to disagree as friends. He told me some of the problems he has with the Church so I'm working on a longer response to him. This is good for me in that it's making me really understand my reasons why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Tonight I'm going to a mother's/daughter's dinner at the church. I think it will be good to be able to get to meet some of the other people in the church. Going to Mass and then leaving doesn't give me much opportunity.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

I tried to get the last two documents for my annulment, but once again Richard's bad memory has gotten in the way. (No offense Richard, just stating a point :) ) I was able to get a copy of his divorce decree from his first marriage, but there was no record of his marriage in Potter county. I tried to call him, but he wasn't accepting calls today. (I think he's in training or something) So I called his mother. She told me that they were married in Hereford. So I guess I need to head back there to get a copy of the marriage license. Once I get that I'll be ready to proceed with the annulment.
I sent a response to my friend Bret regarding his concerns about the Catholic Church. Don't know if I explained things well enough, but I still can't find any Catholic teaching that isn't explained to my satisfaction in a variety of sources. I hope to hear from him tomorrow and perhaps make plans to get together at some point. It will be good to see him again.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

I got the annulment proceedings started on my marriage to Richard. I was finally able to get all the documents needed and I took them to diocese. Now it should be a matter of two priests checking them and signing off saying "yes, this marriage was invalid because he was already married to his first wife and that marriage was never anulled and she is still living." After that is done, I'll be free to marry in the Church. Not that I have a lot of choices out there right now, but I'm starting to look.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Dual Church-going

I went to two services today. I attended Mass at 8:30 and then went to the Contemporary service at the Baptist church at 10:50. My cousin David was being recognized as a graduating senior and he wanted me to go.

It was interesting to see two different kinds of services. I wouldn't say completely night and day, but they were very different from each other. If I had to sum it up simply I would say that that the Catholic Church is more about reverance and the Baptist is more about praise. Not that one is better than the other. I feel that both are about worshipping Christ, just in different ways.

Yes, the Mass is more formulated with the prayers and recitations, but the Baptist church is quite formulaic itself. There was sitting and standing, a specific order in which songs were sung, messages preached, and money collected.

I have to say that I still feel much more at home and comfortable in the Catholic Church. Maybe I like the tradition and the solemnity of it. I've never been one to be outgoing and making a show of my faith. It's not that it's a bad thing to do it, but it's just not me. The Baptist service was full of contemporary songs that I couldn't sing because it was posted on a powerpoint, but did not have the music (notes) printed. I guess if you go for a while you know the tunes, but for me, I couldn't sing a lick of any of the songs without being able to read the music. The people were friendly enough, but I still didn't feel right at home there. I'm not chastizing the church, their beliefs or the service, but just feel it isn't right for me. I felt God was present there as He is in all churches. And I know there are truly godly people there. I'm finding though that the Catholic Church just doesn't make such a big show of it. Like I said, it's more about reverance.

Some people complain that there's a lot of sitting, standing, kneeling etc. in the Catholic church, but there's just as much in the Baptist church. At Mass the congregation stands in reverance to the reading of the Gospel of Christ and when the Eucharist becomes the Body and Blood of Christ. In the Baptist service the congregation stood for the singing. I saw those that were raising their hands in praise and were really getting into the emotion of it. I can't say one is any better than the other. But I still feel that there's more truth in the Catholic Church. Though God truly exists in both, I feel that Baptist (and in general Protestant) doctrine is still flawed. It doesn't mean that Baptists are going to hell or that only Catholics can go to Heaven.

I know my friend Bret still has his concerns over my conversion. I tried address some of those in response to an email he sent. I'm sure he still disagrees, but that's o.k. I've also had a few people IM me commenting on my decision. One saying that the Catholic Church supported Hitler and how it's the whore of Babylon etc. But then I've had those that have told me congratulations for doing so and that was coming from people who weren't Catholic themselves. But it really doesn't matter what others think because it's still my decision and I'm doing it because I feel it's right.

I've been doing some studying on the Mass and today I think I've finally gotten the responses down and have learned the Nicene Creed. I'm understanding not only what to say, but why and what is going on. Sure, some Catholics do it by rote, but for me I'm trying to think about the importance of and meaning behind what we're saying. I can't wait to start RCIA classes in the fall.

I've told people that stuff like this would not have been coming out of my mouth a year ago. I've changed quite a bit. And it's a good change. I'm still working on it and still have a ways to go, but at least I'm making progress.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Updates!!

Some exciting news! I got a letter from the diocese today stating that my marriage to Richard has been decreed invalid due to his prior bond. So that means I am free to marry in the Catholic Church should I ever find the right man... or at least a pretty darn good one.

In other news, my friend Bret has a blog. Please do go check it out if you get the chance. I think it may spark some interesting discussions (as it has already to some degree). But despite the fact that we may disagree on religious matters and what-not, Bret is still one of my very good friends. He knows me probably better than a lot of my friends and I know him pretty well. We've been friends since the mid-eighties (gosh, now I feel old). I think I'll write a blog about him at some point. (Don't worry.. it will be nice.)

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Singing in the Choir

I went to my second choir rehersal tonight. I joined the special choir that will be singing during the dedication cermonies for our new church. Tonight about half the people were missing because of the 4th of July weekend.

I really enjoy the singing, but I think I'm not very good at it. It's not so bad with a fuller group and I can hide a bit under the other voices. I need to work on learning the melodies on my own I guess. But I am slowly meeting some new people which has been nice. Everyone seems excited that I'm going to be doing RCIA in the fall. I was asked tonight who my sponsor would be. I have no idea. I really only know one person in the church and I'm not sure if she could be my sponsor because she helps with RCIA. So I don't know. I just hope I get someone I like and will be helpful to me.

Another reason I joined the choir though was the hope of perhaps working with a music ensemble at some point. I'd love to be able to play my clarinet more. And perhaps I'll get more confident in singing.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Went to Church today and found out that our priest that was planning to leave is not planning to leave and I think most people are happy about that. A few were disconcerted about it I believe but since I don't know him well I can't be judgmental (not that I should be) about the situation. But so far I like him and I guess I'm glad he's staying. After church I went to have a coke with the lady that has been guiding me through the church stuff and had a nice conversation with her.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I start RCIA tomorrow night. I'm really looking forward to it. I should write down some of the questions that have been swirling in my head from time to time, but I haven't thought about some of them for a while. I am really looking forward to learning more about the Catholic Church.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

And tonight is the first meeting for RCIA. I really want to go home and just go to bed, but I definitely do not want to miss the first meeting. So I guess I will hang on until then. But as soon as it's over, I'm going to be taking any drugs I can find and go to bed. Luckily I get to sleep in tomorrow as the training I have to go to doesn't start until 9:00.
So this will be my post for today... probably won't see me again until sometime tomorrow.

O.k. so I said you wouldn't hear from me for a while. I'm actually feeling a little better. It's very strange. I said a prayer to feel better for RCIA and you know what? I did. I still have stuff swarming around in my head and some sneezing, but was not completely miserable.

RCIA was good tonight. I was happy to see that there are about eight others that are going to go through the process. (Or at least start it) I didn't get any information that I didn't already know, but I still feel good about my choice. I am really looking forward to getting into it more. My concern right now is finding a sponsor. I have to find someone willing to go to classes with me and basically be my guide during the process. Problem is that I don't know many people within the church still. I've made a few acquaintances, but nobody I'd feel comfortable asking really.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

New Blog

I know I shouldn't. I know I should not create another blog when I have the second blog that I haven't updated in a while. But that blog is for the things that I feel I cannot post in this one. I'm discovering, however, that is not many things.

My new blog, however, is to chronicle my journey into the Catholic Church. If you're interested in following it, then please read. If not, then don't. This new blog is really for myself and to track my progress as I am taking these steps.

April 2004 Revisited

Wow! Two blog posts in one day. I'm posting my previous entries from April. You can really tell how much more I grew into Catholicism. I know much of it stemmed from dealing with the break up of Marty. (If you haven't read my other blog regularly or know about the situation, you'd have to go back several months reading to understand.) But it was mostly by God's grace and I could see that better I think because of losing Marty... if that makes any sense at all.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A Daunting Task

As if I don't have enough things to pile on my plate. I got the packet from the Amarillo diocese to have my marriage declared null by the Catholic Church. In addition to the 18 pages of questions that need to be filled out, I have to supply my marriage certificate, divorce decree, baptism certificate, and it will cost $450.
It's a lot of stuff to drum up from my past. But I think it will be worth it. It will allow me to start with a clean slate. And then if/when I do become Catholic, I will be free to marry in the Church. That may or may not be Marty. I do hope it is, but I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing it for myself.
So I have to find witnesses to help validate the fact that my marriage should not be considered valid. I asked my friend Robin via email if she would consider being a witness for me. Even though we haven't talked in the last few years, she was there as my matron of honor and she got me through some tough times during the marriage.
I also need to tell Richard about doing this. I'm not sure I can handle telling him over the phone. I seem to bumble words when I don't get the chance to think about what I'm saying beforehand. (Like I did with Marty on the phone last night) So I think I'll write him a letter.

Monday, April 11, 2005

I'm going to be o.k.

Just a note for my dear friends and fellow bloggers that have been worried about me. I'm doing fine. I finally got a good night's sleep last night. (With the help of two tylenol p.m.'s) I'm moving on to acceptance.
I've had friends tell me to NOT drive down to Austin. It will only cause me more pain and he's not worth it.
It will be painful. But it's something I have to do for me. Not for him. I have to let him go. And I have to do it in person. If I don't, it will always feel like unfinished business and that will be more painful in the long run.
Granted my original plan in going down there was to fight for him. To find out the why's. To say or do what I needed to keep him. But I realize he is not mine to keep. I'm not in his heart. And as much as I would like to be there, I can't make him let me in.
I'm putting myself in God's hands and He has taken care of me. To hear that come out of my mouth is quite a shock for me even. But it's true. I'm growing up and I'm growing by the grace of God.
The tears still come every once in a while. But they need to.
And there will be no anger. Because even though perhaps he should have treated me better, or been more honest and all of that, he had a great impact on my life. And I have no regret in having him be a part of it.

I made a gift for his mother that I'm taking with me. I had planned on this even before I knew we weren't going to be together. I wanted to thank her for all her hospitality and treating me like part of their family. It's a shadow box that has a background of flowers, a cross with beads, ribbon and a sentiment that I printed on vellum paper. It reads:

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
The awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beatiful to gaze upon.
The stay in our lives for a while,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never the same.

That is how I feel about them and especially Marty.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Weirdness

I think I only cried twice yesterday. Oh wait... only twice over Marty maybe. But I did cry quite a bit, but it's because I finally watched The Passion of the Christ. And that's all I'll say. It did move me and have an effect, but it's not something I can put into words at the moment.
But I didn't cry at all today. Even when I made a parting gift for Marty. I'm doing better than I thought I'd ever imagine. And I don't think it's because I didn't really love him. I know I did. But I think there's a bigger hand in all of this. And for that I am truly thankful.

And I also found out good news on the annulment proceedings. After I spent the time filling out the numerous pages of paperwork and grilling questions, I found out I don't really have to do all that. Because Richard was married before, all I have to do is find his records of his first two marriages and divorces and prove that at least one of his ex-wives is alive and I'll have my marriage annulled without all the rigamarole. Basically this is because the Church sees that he was still married to his first wife and therefore, not eligible to be married to me. Whew!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Somewhat productive

Oh, the other news today is that I heard back from my friend from high school who is a Baptist minister. O.k. a little background first... This guy I was in love with for many years. O.k. perhaps it was just a very major crush, but I was smitten for a long while. We never officially dated, but became very good friends. I got into church for a while back in college but never felt truly comfortable there and always seemed to question things. So, needless to say, I didn't go for a long while. But I know he's continued to pray for me throughout the years. Well, I asked him about a week and a half ago about my Baptism (he Baptized me back in college) and he responded mentioning that it seems that I was perhaps thinking about things again. I replied and told him of my plans to convert to Catholicism. And what I got as a response what expected. He indicated his concern for me considering this move and wanted me to really think it through. And he tried to keep it nice, but I knew that would concern him. And given his background, it's understandable, but I simply have to respectfully disagree with him. I did explain that I've given this a lot of thought and have done research. I'm still working on my reply to him, but it will be interesting to see how this develops. It's amazing that my statement indicating something like this has gotten more out of him than in the last 7 years or so that he's been in California. I guess things were a lot easier when I was just a wretched sinner.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

My first rosary. I made it myself. Haven't prayed it yet, but I was pleased with how it turned out. The picture doesn't do it justice. The blue beads are much darker and prettier.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

A Great Homily

I went to Mass today. It was good to be back after missing last week. I'm starting to get the hang of things and can almost participate in all of it. There's a few things I still need to memorize, like the Nicene Creed, but I'm not doing too bad so far.
I really enoyed the homily today. Father said that he had just read the book 7 Habits for Highly Effective people and said that many of those are similar to being an effective Christian. Father gave us his list of 7 Habits for Highly Effective Christians. I wanted to share them with you.

1. Prayer - One cannot have a relationship with God without this. It should be done daily.
2. Faith - A gift from the Holy Spirit.
3. Forgiveness - One must be able to forgive to be able to love. This even when the one you are forgiving doesn't change or show remorse.
4. Conversion - We must change in ourselves to serve Christ. We must be open to change in ourselves.
5. Charity - We must show charity to one another.
6. Patience - Our timing and God's may be two different things and we need to have patience in all matters of life.
7. Simplicity - Keep your life simple and not cloud it with so many things that God is placed on the backburner.

I thought it was a very good list and I took it to heart today. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm going to be working on this list.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Feeling More Catholic

I went to the library today and got a couple more books on Catholicism. I just finished reading Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic by David B. Currie. That book really helped me to understand the basic differences between Evangelical beliefs and Catholic beliefs. I'm still finding that the Catholic Church simply makes more sense to me and is more logical than anything else. I'm not dissing those that belong to a protestant denomination. I just happen to think that some of the protestant beliefs are flawed. Much in the same way many Protestants believe that Catholic doctrine is flawed.

I don't plan to debate any issues here, I'm just stating that my turn to Catholicism is not because of a simple whim. I'm truly learning what the faith is and am growing because of it.
I had lunch with my son today and we discussed some religious beliefs and because of what I've read, I feel that I was able to answer his questions. I am by no means an expert and I have a lot to learn, but I think I'm on the right track perhaps for the first time in my life.

So what does all this mean? I'm changing. For the better, certainly. But it's still kind of scary. I wonder if I can do it sometimes and then I start thinking that the only way that I can is with the help of God. For someone that hasn't been a trusting person for many, many years, it's difficult to do. And as challenges come, I hope that God gives me the strength to endure. But I've found that since I've been going to Mass weekly, praying daily, and engrossing myself in learning, I feel more at peace.

I've always been a believer in that God has been looking out for me. Maybe it's also my guardian angel, but too many things have happened in my life for me to think otherwise. I think everything happens for a reason, and the people that come into our lives are there for some purpose as well.

If I hadn't gotten pregnant with Josh in college, I might never have finished. It was because of Josh that I received grants and scholarships and college was paid for. When I needed a place to live on a very small budget, I found a house for rent for $75 a month. When I needed a refrigerator that was under 5 ft., we happened upon one in a driveway that wasn't for sale, but the guy decided to sell it anyways. When I've needed money because things have come up, I'd suddenly get a child support check or a tax refund. When I lost my house to foreclosure after separating, I was able to move into my parent’s house after my mother passed away. And because I met Marty, I am taking this religious journey. There's no doubt about it. I'm sure that it's all in God's plan. That's why I don't regret having him in my life. I'm sad to lose him, but I accept that it wasn't meant to be. But I'm thankful for the purpose it served. I still love him and always will in some way.

I'm still open to loving again. I wasn't sure for a while. But I think when it's right I'll be able to give my heart away again. I'm figuring out what I want. Now, what I want may not be what I get, but I know the things I'm not going to settle on. Marty was close, but by no means perfect. I know that perfection doesn't exist and one has to compromise. The thing is one shouldn't really settle on important issues.

I hope I find it again. Because loving someone is one of the greatest things you can do.

More Reflections (Feb-Mar 2004)

Some these are only excerpts from longer blogs. I only included comments that related to my Catholic journey... although I guess it's all related to some degree... but I left out the other fluff.

Wednesday, February 9
Lent

Though I am not yet a practicing Catholic, I'm wondering if I should participate in Lent. I'm still considering conversion, but haven't taken much action on it other than reading at this point. But giving up something for Lent would probably be a good thing.I could cheat and say I am giving up sex, but since that's not a possibility anyways, it wouldn't count. I think I may just continue on my "plan" and keep giving up fast food and alcohol. (Though I did cheat some today - but I am sick so that's my excuse.) Question for my readers:If you are Catholic, what are you doing for Lent?If you're not, but were, what would you give up for Lent?It's something I'll think about and maybe decide this evening. Right now I'm going back to bed. I'm getting sick, it's in my throat and I'm getting achy. Not good signs.

Wednesday, February 23
I did it

Well, I did it. I sent an email to the local Catholic church asking about their RCIA classes. I'm still not 100% certain of it all, but felt compelled to do it. After all it's just a question. Doesn't mean I have to do anything yet. I've just been putting off the question for a while now. But I've continued to be drawn to it all. I'm even participating in Lent to some degree. Marty surprised me the other day saying he was going to go to Mass on Sunday. He didn't make it, but the fact that he said he was going to go really put a little pep in my heart. He's been lapsed for quite a long time now and wasn't even confirmed. I know he's been thinking about going back to the Church too. Perhaps that is the reason we've been drawn together. Sometimes I call it fate or destiny, but I think that perhaps it's the Man upstairs doing His part.I've been away from church in general for about 14 years now. I've been soured by a lot things like hypocrisy, questioning they why's, and the fact it's a heck of a lot easier to live in sin than it is to be perfect. I'm finally realizing though that I don't have to be perfect because we're simply human. But I also understand that I should live better than what I have. I still have an attachment to sin which makes things more difficult for me, but I still think it's something I should look back into.Since I started this journey, I have found that there isn't anything in the Catholic teaching that I can't agree with. There are some things I know I'll have a hard time dealing with, but overall it just seems right. One of my biggest questions regarding religion has been "Who's right?" Among all the denominations who truly has the right answers. For me it's a matter of going back to the beginning. The Catholic Church is the original church of Christ. All the other Christian denominations are from people that broke from the Church thinking they knew better. So for me it's not a matter of which Church any more. It's a matter of whether I can embrace Church life or not. It's also a matter of whether I can get an anullment on my marriage.So I've taken another step. The first was having the simple curiosity about the church followed by my research. We'll see where it all leads.

Friday, March 18
Jumped off the wagon

Even though I'm not Catholic (yet), I've been trying to follow the practice of lent in giving up things. I decided to continue my abstaining from fast food and alcohol as well as observing abstinence from meat on Fridays. I've actually done pretty well. Today was not to be an exception as we were planning on going to Red Lobster for dinner and I was going to have fish and shrimp. But this afternoon, without thinking I had leftover sausage pizza for lunch. It didn't even dawn on me until I was getting ready to go out to dinner. It may not be a really big deal and even Catholics have been known to cheat or not go through their giving up something during Lent, but I really wanted to make a concerted effort. Then tonight after dinner we came back to my aunt's mother-in-law's house to visit and I had some wine. I could have easily declined, but I didn't. Again, not a big deal, but I do feel a little bad about it.

Sunday, March 20
Palm Sunday

I went to Mass today. I felt a little awkward as I tend to do in new situations, but it wasn't bad. Since I've attended Episcopal services with my aunt many times, I understood what was going on. I even chimed in on some of the responses. I sat with the lady I contacted regarding RCIA classes. After church we went to McDonald's and had some orange juice. We had a nice conversation and it turns out that I went to school with her daughter and we graduated in the same year. Small world isn't it?So I've jumped in. I still don't know if it's the right thing, but I feel I need to explore it more. And that's what I'm doing.

Saturday, March 26
I have no life

I've been going to church. I went Thursday and Friday evening and will attend the Easter Vigil tonight. It still feels a little weird, but not as bad as being in protestant church. No offense to anyone out there, but they just seem to grate on my nerves lately. I'm finding that in the Catholic services the spirituality is more genuine and it feels more like a worship service. For example, last night was the veneration of the cross. The congregation passes a large cross over them all around the people and then they go up to the front, bow and kiss the cross. It was really very moving. I still feel a little awkward there, but it's really not bad. I'm just not sure of some of the things I should be doing & saying.

Time of Reflection

Since I haven't had much to say lately, I thought I would post some entries from my other blog about when I first started considering a step back into religion in general. I started my Catholic blog right before RCIA this year in September, but I began having thoughts about things religious a year before. So here are some previous entries. It's kind of interesting to see how far I've come since then.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

The Reunion and Religion

Well, I made it through the big family reunion with Marty. He has a HUGE family. And I only saw a portion of them. But I did very well on remembering names. I didn't feel uncomfortable at it either. There were a few moments that he left me alone longer than he should have, but it wasn't too bad. At least I already knew his parents and siblings. (You have to understand that I'm still a little shy in big social situations) He seemed to think it was a pretty big deal that I went with him. It seems that his ex was intimitated by such a large family and would never go. He told me that he loved me even more for going to it. I didn't think it was a great sacrifice on my part. I was actually flattered that he had invited me to go before we had even gotten very serious. I would have been even hurt had I not been invited to go. His family was very nice and he tells me that they all like me. He kept acting like they were a bunch of weirdos and that I should be worried about getting involved with a family like his... but I had news for him... my family is very much more on the strange side than his. His were quite normal. The only thing about them is that they're all pretty much devoted Catholics... which isn't strange, just something that was interesting to witness. Since then we've talked about Marty's religious background. He's kind of in the same boat as me right now having a distaste for religion in general. But it's something that I think he's interested in looking into again. We went to Barnes and Noble last night. He bought himself a Catholic Bible. I got a book on understanding Catholicism. If nothing, it will be interesting to learn about it. I think that anything has got to be better than the Baptist upbringing I was involved in. (no offense to the Baptists out there) I just felt that too many of them were being judgmental of me and I saw a lot of hypocrisy.. which I know exists in probably every church. It just ended putting a sour taste in my mouth about it and for the past 13 years or so I haven't actively been involved in a church. Not that I think I should have been. I guess I'm still at a confused place where I believe in God and His mercy and grace, but I can't allow myself to live a hypocritical life. Perhaps I'm at a point now where I can look at another spiritual journey.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Spiritual Reckoning

I've been thinking about religion quite a bit lately. This is something that hasn't really been on my mind actively for about 14 years. It started again with Marty. You can see my post about his reunion and religion. Well, since then I've read two Catholic books and ordered some other books on Christianity.
Though my faith might have waned to some degree, I have always believed in God and feel that despite my pagan state, He's taken care of me. I figured if He wanted to get in touch with me again and speak to my heart, He would when it was the right time. Perhaps it's now.
But let's get some background. My first religious experience that I remember was around 2nd grade. I was not raised in the church. I vaguely remember going with my aunt when I was little, but never my parents. I used to go to vacation Bible school in Canyon. But in 2nd grade I was invited to go to San Jacinto Baptist church with the promise of skating parties, ice cream socials etc. Of course I wanted to go! And I got the fire and brimstone speech that scared me into salvation. I was told all about hell and what a horrible place it was and how I was going to go there unless I was saved. And all I had to do was to say a prayer and ask Jesus in my heart and I would be saved. Simple as that. Nothing to it. So one Sunday I went up to the front of the church with all the other people that wanted to be saved and knelt on the steps and waited for someone to come talk to me. And nobody came to talk to me. I was scared and felt like everyone was staring at me. Finally after what seemed like forever, a grown-up came to talk to me and took me out to another room. He asked me the typical questions like did I believe that Jesus was the Son of God. Did I want to be saved etc... and I said the prayer and got Baptized the same day. I went to Sunday school and learned the books of the Bible and stories about Jesus. It was grand. And best of all were the skating and ice cream parties. What fun! I went to church there for about 3 years I think. After that, we moved to the middle of nowhere and I didn't go to church for a while. I remember that after I was Baptized, my aunt, who was Episcopalian, said that I could participate in the Lord's supper at her church from then on. So I got a taste of the Episcopal church for several years off and on when I would visit her. I went again when I was a freshman in high school. I went with some friends to Paramount Baptist church. Again, I got the fire and brimstone speech that scared me and I thought that before I might not have been really saved before and so I did it again. But that was a one time thing really. I only went to church a couple of times after that. Then I started going to church with Bret. (the one that I was in love with from about 9th-11th grade) His dad was a preacher at (you guessed it) a Baptist church in Amarillo. They would pick me up from my house in the middle of nowhere and take me to church every Sunday. I didn't go through a salvation process at this time. I remember that I barely listened to the sermons and faked the singing. God wasn't really speaking to me. And then finally I was in college. And I still hung around Bret, who by that time was a preacher in his own church. (Once again Baptist) And during my sophomore year, he and another guy from band (who was "born again" the year before) had a party. It wasn't your typical college party. This one involved a sermon more or less. And once again I was "saved". This time was weird though. During the time when everyone's heads are bowed and they're telling you about your need to accept Christ I started shaking. I couldn't stop. I wasn't cold and yet I could not stop shaking. I took it as a sign and I felt that this time I would really be "saved." So I talked about it and once again said the prayer etc... blah, blah, blah. I was Baptized for the second time. But this time I did get involved with the church. I started going to Bible studies. I went to church religiously (pun intended). And I earnestly tried to learn about living a Christian life. That's when it started to get difficult. The more I understood about living a Christian life, the harder it became. And then I was very, very bad. I got pregnant. And boy did I feel judged. And I know I was. But I still went to church for a while. Then all of a sudden, Kevin (the convert that was part of the party that "helped" me) got up one Sunday and told the church that he discovered recently that he had not really been saved. And that he just recently totally committed himself to Christ. So I began to question my salvation once again and thought, how does one ever really know? And I started seeing a lot of hypocrisy in the people of the church. And I felt judged. And I guess I preferred being the sinner that I was rather than trying to live a life that I didn't feel I could live. So I stopped going.
So since then I've continued to pray from time to time. I've continued to believe in God. I started to think that I didn't need religion to be spiritual. I wondered why we had so many different kinds of religions and how would you know which one was right. And if they were all right in their own way. I also felt that if I were going to get involved with a church again that God would speak to me and I'd be guided by the Holy Spirit.
So now I've got an interest in it. And I'm trying to understand the different parts of Christianity. What it's all about really. And what the difference between the protestant denominations are. And what Catholicism is. And so far it's been interesting. And a little frightening.
I'm starting to think that maybe I am going to be called to get involved in church again. And perhaps even become Catholic. And what scares me is once again living that Christian life that I found so difficult before. I worry that in doing so, I'll lose part of my identity. That I have to give up part of me to be a part of Christ. That I have to really change. Not that change is bad, but I kind of like who I am at this point. And knowing me the way I do, if I do decide to jump into it all again, I'll go at it full force. With all my heart. And maybe that would allow me to be able to deal with it better. But at this point I'm still just seeking knowledge.
So those things have been on my mind lately. I was thinking about it in the car today on my way home from my dance workout class. And all of a sudden I saw a rainbow. A perfect rainbow. Every single color distinguished and vibrant. In a perfect arch. A spectacular, beautiful sight.
Do I take that as a sign?

My how things have changed

I am amazed at how much has changed for me since I started going to Mass regularly. A little over a year ago I bought my first book on Catholicism. In October, a year ago I visited Marty in Connecticut and began realizing that things weren't as rosy as I'd thought in our relationship. Almost exactly a year ago I realized even more that things were not going as well as I thought when Marty didn't do anything for my birthday. He did remember, but no card, no flowers. He made up for it later, but it was disconcerting at the time. As he started to pull away from me and as I tried to fight even harder for him, I realize now that he had served his purpose in my life by igniting that spark in me. And he doesn't even realize that he did that or the impact it has had on my life. I now realize that God used him in such a way that I almost didn't even see it coming. When I contacted the local church in February, I still had not committed to becoming Catholic at all. Even after I started going to mass, I still wasn't certain, but felt drawn to it. As my sponsor would introduce me to people at church and tell them that I was going to go through RCIA, I still didn't know. But it seems that shortly after Marty and I broke up and I got through the hurt, I realized that the uncertainty faded. Don't think my decision to become Catholic is because of a rebound situation from Marty. It is absolutely not. It just made things more clear and I saw the role he played. And the more I attended mass, the more certain I became. I finally felt at home. I knew it was right. And there's nothing I want to do more right now and that includes riding rollercoasters. (Though it's a close second.... lol.)
So I came from a year ago questioning whether or not I could let God in my life, if I could be burdened by having to go to church, and if I could make such a commitment again after failing at it so many years before. But you know, I always had the thought that when God was ready for me, and when He knew that I was ready, He would let me know. And He did. It wasn't a single ah-ha moment, but He seemed to take me gently by the hand and lead me home. And I am so blessed that He is in my life. Not that he wasn't ever there, mind you, but I'm at least taking part in the relationship now. And that burden of having to go to Church? It is truly a blessing now. I can see why not going to Mass is a mortal sin. Because the more I go, the closer I feel to God and the more blessed and peaceful I feel. I honestly can't wait to receive the Eucharist because that will be a whole new level of blessing I can't even fathom right now. I have begun to realize that sometimes our timing might not be God's timing and our plans may not be his. But He does have a plan and He steps in when needed. And I thank Him for that.

My story continued

Once I started reading books about Catholicism my interest in the Church, God, and religion in general grew. I started simply thinking about going back to church. I wanted to see if there still was a place for me there. I wasn't sure if I could fit in again, but I decided to at least consider it.

I decided, then, that I would not only learn about the Catholic faith, but research the other protestant denominations and try to figure out who had at least the most right answers. I wanted to find the church that would "fit" me. Little did I realize that it's not a matter of a church fitting me. I ordered books that gave overviews of different denominations. I bought more books on Catholicism. I read when I could. I would have talks with Marty about stuff and he'd be surprised at how much I knew. The more I read about the Catholic faith, the more it made sense to me. I understood that it was the original Church founded by Christ. Now, I know there are protestants and perhaps Orthodox that may argue that point; but for me, it was the deciding factor in my consideration of all the denominations. A few months into my journey, it was no longer a question of which church, but how and when?

I did not know if I could get myself to go back to church. I wasn't sure if I could commit myself. I had fears of not being able to once again live up to the standards of being a Christian. But I still kept reading and learning. Throughout this time I believe that God was nudging me along the way. I cannot say that I had a single "ah-ha" moment where I just knew that it was the right decision. I simply opened my mind and finally my heart a little.

As my relationship with Marty progressed, we had a lot of problems that came up. Most of it was my insecurity and fears, but he was a part of it too. The distance of 1500 miles was hard enough, but then he was going to go to Alaska for a year. That's when I started giving serious consideration to at least looking into becoming Catholic. I thought perhaps if I did that, it would help me cope while he was gone. At some point I knew that things weren't going well in our relationship, but he wouldn't open up to me and I kept worrying about it. But I think I already knew that we weren't going to make it. I knew he had a change of heart, but I didn't want to believe it and he didn't want to tell me. So we continued in not so blissful ignorance. I decided then that even if we weren't going to be together, I would look into Catholicism because I felt it was the right thing to do.

From the start of my journey in September of 2004, I sent my first email to the church in my town inquiring about the RCIA process in February, 2005. I received a reply the next day that gave me the name of the lady to contact. It took me another month to call her. We had a nice long visit and I found out that she worked for the tribunal office and could assist me with the process of getting my marriage annulled. She said she would love for me to come to Mass some time. A week later I called to tell her I was interested in going to Mass. That was very difficult for me as I felt very awkward, but I made myself do it. And the first Mass wasn't that scary. There was a lot familiarity because I had attended several Episcopal services with my aunt. I was even able to chime in on some of the responses by the congregation. I knew I couldn't receive the Eucharist, but I did go up and get a blessing. That was Palm Sunday. I went to several more Masses that week on Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter Vigil. And since then I have gone every Sunday except for the one I was out of town. The more I go, the more it feels right and feels like home for me. Most of the awkwardness is gone. It still feels a little weird to cross myself sometimes. But I now know all of the liturgy of the mass... at least on the part of the congregation.

One of my concerns about joining the Church was the fact that I would HAVE to go to Mass EVERY weekend. I wasn't sure I could handle that. But I really haven't ever had a problem with it. It just seems like the right thing to do. I don't think I was ever this faithful when attending the Baptist church.

I've been looking forward to RCIA since last April and am very excited it has started. I'm still a work in progress, but I believe I will find my home in the Catholic Church.

Some Background

I actually started this journey almost exactly a year ago and right now I have just started RCIA. Before we get into that, you should probably know what go me here.It started with Marty. Marty was a guy I dated in high school. I hadn't seen him in almost 13 years, but he came back into my life in January of 2004. He found me through classmates.com. I was going through my divorce and he had been divorced for about six months. Despite the fact that he lived 1500 miles away, somehow we managed to develop a relationship. That relationship didn't officially happen until July of 2004. That is when we officially became a couple. In August that year, I visited him with his family in Austin. He told me he loved me for the first time there. In September, he came here to attend a family reunion in a town that is about 30 miles away. I went with him. And that's where the journey started.

Marty was born Catholic. His parents are very devout. Marty is what you might call lapsed. But going to his family reunion and meeting his large extended family was interesting. Marty and I began talking about his religious background. At that point in my life I was not what you would call religious in any way. I had turned my back on church in general for probably 10-11 years.

I wasn't raised in any church. I began going to the Baptist church because they had a bus that would pick us up and there was the promise of skating parties and lots of fun things to do. So I went. And I got "saved" and Baptized when I was in the third grade. I went somewhat regularly until about the sixth grade when we moved to the middle of nowhere. We lived in the country off of a dirt road. It was a miserable existence and I didn't go to church. I went again once in the ninth grade and got "saved" again. But I never followed through by attending church regularly. Later I went for a time in high school because one of my very good friends (and a boy that was a huge crush of mine) invited me to go and his parents would pick me up. But I didn't pay much attention to the sermons or lessons. In college, I finally got serious... for a while. We had what was a "party", but really it was a front for preaching the message of the gospel. And once again I was "saved". But this time I thought it was different and perhaps it was real. When they were calling for us to say the prayer and commit ourselves to Christ, I started shaking and couldn't stop. I wasn't cold, but I figured that was a sign. I started going to church regularly and going to Bible studies. I was Baptized again. I wanted to try and be a good Christian, but soon discovered just how difficult it was. And then I got pregnant. Not a situation that a good Christian girl should find herself in. I don't want to say it was a mistake because my son is the most precious thing to me. But I felt judged and somewhat of an outcast. And perhaps that was more in my head than what was really felt by others, but I couldn't really shake the feeling. But I still went to church fairly regularly. It was place that I tried to belong to. I'm not sure I ever did. I still tried to live a good life, but finally felt that it was too difficult to be perfect and that since I could never be that way, I might as well just be the sinner that I was. The kicker for me was the night that Kevin Banks got up in front of the church to share a message with us. He was a guy in band that had a reputation, but had turned his life over to Christ a few years before and had become something of an associate or deacon in the church. His message that night was the fact that he had realized that he had not been truly "saved." He said that he now was recommitting his life because he hadn't truly done it before and we needed to seek within ourselves and recommit if necessary. At that point I began questioning faith and religion in general. I had too many questions that I didn't like the answers too or just didn't have them. I wondered well... if he's not saved, then I must not be and how can we ever know if we are? I began questioning as to who among Christian denominations had the right answers. What made the Baptists right over the Methodists or the Episcopalians? So I eventually stopped going. For the next 10 years or so I just lived without much thought to church. I would still go once in a while, but any time anyone would ask me about my religious state, I would just tell them I'm not ready to commit myself to that right now. I still believed in God, but I didn't call on Him much and it seemed easier to live the way that I was. I did pray from time to time, but I wondered if my prayers were ever heard.

During my marriage to Richard, I went through a few wild stages I guess you would say. I never really drank much up to that point, but found that getting drunk was kind of fun. I became a much more interesting person when I was that way. We got involved with theatre. I was much more interested in sex and did things I never dreamed of. I went to a strip club with him and some friends. We visited the adult book store. Had wild parties. But then the marriage failed. As much as I liked some of the wild stuff, Richard was still too wild for me and I could never accept his wandering eye or his interest in pornography. We drifted apart; I fell out of love with him. We called it quits in October of 2003.

When we separated I guess I went on binge of sorts. I cannot justify my actions, but I wanted to feel sexy and desired and beautiful. So I had some one night stands and dated a few guys. Looking back, I'm not proud of that, but I thought at the time it would fill the void I had. And then Marty came into my life. It took some time though. Even after we started talking and after he visited for the first time in February, I still had a few guys that I was seeing. I went on a blind date of sorts by meeting a guy in Michigan. I dated Patrick for a while. I still had my ex-boyfriend on the sidelines from time to time. But eventually, Marty won my heart. And I am really thankful for that.

But how am I here now? During the time of Marty's reunion we began discussing his Catholic background. His mother had been concerned for his religious well-being, but he told her that despite the fact that he hadn't stepped into a church since high school, he did read the Bible. But it was not a Catholic Bible. We went to the bookstore one night and he was going to get one so his mother would feel better. At that point I did not realize there was a difference between a Catholic Bible and any other Bible. And I thought that maybe it would be interesting to learn about the Catholic faith. I was really just curious about it. So Marty found me a book about it and I started reading. And that is where my journey began.