I know, I know

It's been a while since I've posted. I was gone for a week to the National Speech tournament in Dallas. Although I had my computer with me, the wireless internet was lousy and even if I had something to post, I couldn't do it.

I missed Mass last week because of being out of town. I looked into going to a service while in Dallas and found there was a Church less than a mile from the hotel but we had to leave too early to register for the competition and I didn't get to go. This morning I slept in because of not getting to sleep until around 2 a.m. I didn't go to the early 8:30 mass, but got up for the 11:15. A part of me didn't want to go. I felt tired and just wanted to stay in bed or in my recliner, but I made myself get ready. I knew that I would feel better after going since I always do. I was right. I was glad to be there and I especially loved singing. We had a different priest since ours is in Rome right now. He was difficult to understand as he spoke with a heavy Indian (I think) accent. I had a hard time paying attention to the homily as he seemed to go on and on and repeat himself over and over. I think the basics was that we are nothing without Christ.

I was glad to see my friend Carol afterwards. She has promised an evening in her hot tub praying the rosary and then having some wine. I am definitely going to take her up on that.

You know some people probably have issues with the idea that as Catholics we are required to attend Mass every weekend. Of course when it's impossible because of illness or other circumstances, it is o.k. and not considered to be a mortal sin. But if a person willingly makes a choice to not go to Mass, it is a major sin. I've said before how that was something I had to think about before making my commitment to join the Church. But I really "get" the importance of it now. I think that the more you are away from it, the easier it becomes to stay away. I also think that the more you go and participate, the more you grow in Christ. I now cannot imagine making an active choice to NOT go to Mass. I feel not only an obligation to go (especially on those days that I'm tired), but I want to go. It's difficult to explain the power of the sacraments to those that have never received them or to those that have received them but don't really understand what it's all about. The great thing about becoming Catholic is that it's something that you don't just jump in to. You have to study the faith. You have to be certain that you understand and can adhere to the Church's teachings. It's not a simple matter of saying a prayer and filling out a membership card. I'm still happy to be a part of this faith. I still want to know God's plan for me in it... and I do think He does have plans. I am trying to be patient. I still find myself .... perhaps concerned about my situations and I find myself praying for God to lift those burdens from me. I know He hears me and my prayers will be answered.... and in His time, not mine. It's just the time until He does answer that drives me crazy. Although I'm not ready for school to start back up again, it will be a bit of a relief since I'll be so busy that I don't have time to think about things so much.

Well, that's all for this post. I know it's not much, but I wanted to put something out there so you don't think I've fallen off the face of the earth!

Come to Jesus Moments

Most people have them at some point. I had it on occasion when I was going to the Baptist church. After all, I was "saved" three times. Many people have them when they have hit rock bottom of their life and perhaps when they end up in jail or something. My son's father did that briefly after a stint in jail. (Just so you know, I never married his father so that aspect wasn't a part of our lives.) I had my doubts, however, about his sincerity. Sure enough, it was short-lived. But do people have life changing moments when it comes to religion? I would have to say yes. For many, they have a sincere conversion and they truly live a good Christian lifestyle. For others, like myself on occasion, have good intentions and want to be able to be more Christ-centered, but it generally fades. And some, I'm sure it's all a facade and they're fooling themselves and others.

I watched a show on A&E the other day about Karla Faye Tucker. She was convicted of killing two people and received the death penalty. Many of you might be familiar with the story. After she started serving jail time she went through a conversion process after a group came to do a religious presentation of sorts. Was her conversion real? Probably so given the testimony of the people around her. Ultimately her appeals processes ran out and she was executed - the first woman in Texas in a long time. Did she deserve to die? I am not certain of that. I used to have a fairly staunch view that the death penalty was quite justified. After all, it's written in the Bible. But does a person that committed the crime under the influence of drugs and then later has a true conversion process deserve it?

But what makes a true conversion? How can one know if it's real? I think the only one with that answer is God, Himself. He knows what is in our hearts. Much of my questioning when I went through my religious moments was not really knowing if my salvation was real or if I could change like I knew I should. I'm not going to dismiss the Baptists and their ways of bringing people to Christ. Certainly good work is done in all kinds of churches. And many people in all kinds of denominations live Godly lives. I know for me, however, my true conversion didn't happen until I made the decision to become Catholic. It wasn't one of those broken moments where I had no where else to turn. It was a gentle calling. Everything just seemed to come together and for the first time it all made sense to me. Although some people that have known me a long time might not say that I've changed much, but I know what kind of change has happened in me. My thought processes are different. I value different things. My moral compass has shifted. I have a desire to grow in and learn about my faith. I want to live a life in God's grace. I think that by becoming Catholic, I have that chance. Although some people thrive in other denominations, it is often short-lived it seems. I know that the sacraments I have participated in have done wonders. It's nothing I can really explain, but I know that I am different because of them.

I was so worried about about having to change myself to come back to "religion", but I don't what I was thinking. I am still me. I am just a better me.

Rambling

Usually after the weekend, I have Father's homily in my mind and in my notes that I usually take and it spurs a blog entry. But I don't have that. I went to the 5:00 service on Saturday which was the first communion for the second graders. It was a very nice service and I was excited for all the children, but there was no homily. I don't have any particular thoughts to share so I may just ramble in this particular post.

I have been in a bit of a funk lately and I'm not sure why. I found myself depressed last week and I couldn't shake it so I did what usually works and spent time in prayer, reading my bible and praying the rosary. It always seems to help me feel better. I still don't have answers that I'm seeking from God and I know that He has plans for me of which I am not aware. I am trying to be patient, but it has not always been my strong suit. I want to know His will for me. I want to know if I'm meant to spend the rest of my life alone or if I will ever find the person that is what most people call their soulmate. I want to know if I'm on the right track. Sometimes I feel that I'm feeling around in the dark trying to find my way. I know God is leading me, but sometimes I just wish He'd turn on the light!

You'd think that having summers off would mean that I could or would devote more time to God and my faith. I've had great intentions for a lot of things, but haven't gotten very far. I do want to spend more time in studying the faith. I may never be a great apologist, but I really do want to learn more and be more capable in defending the faith. I wish there was a class locally that I could take in apologetics. I'd even help with it if I could, but I feel as though I'm needing something. With summer here, there's not adult faith formation classes and no RCIA. I am missing my midweek lift. Sure I could go to Mass, but I want more than that. I know everyone involved in religious education at the Church, like my friend Carol, are glad it's summer and they have a break, but this is the moment I actually have the most time to spare.

I haven't spent time making rosaries as I would like to. I'm strapped for funds at the moment but hope to do some more after next pay day. I don't know why I like making them so much. It's just relaxing and I like giving them to people that appreciate them. I've thought about selling them, but I always second guess myself about it. I think that there are so many other places you can get rosaries, so why would anyone buy one from me? I do think that they're a little more unique that some others, but I just don't know if anyone would be interested.

Well, it's time for me to get ready for summer band. Maybe I'll ramble some more later. Stay tuned.

Interesting Conversation

I'm posting an excerpt of a recent conversation I had with someone that left the Catholic Church for a more "spirit-filled" experience. There was more conversation before this but I cut and pasted where it started to get interesting.

michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:32:10 PM): I think i should have taken some kind of music business i find myself getting more and more interested in music
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:32:27 PM): i want to open a christian lable
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:32:41 PM): spead the word records......what do you think
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:33:04 PM): I love music, but it's a hobby for me. I play my instrument in the summer and sometimes in church. I also sing in the choir at church.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:33:13 PM): It's o.k.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:34:04 PM): coo
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:35:00 PM): i think music is so powerful that you can make a difference in many lives if the music is powerful and possitive
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:35:12 PM): it definitely is
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:36:52 PM): so what kind of music do you enjoy
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:37:48 PM): Classical, some Christian, some country, oldies (80's)... a little bit of everything except rap - which I don't consider to be music.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:40:18 PM): lol
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:40:50 PM): i mostly listen to christian i love 80's i listen to a bit of it all i guess depends on my mood
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:41:28 PM): some Christian is o.k. but I like more traditional music like hymns.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:42:06 PM): yeah we play those from time to time
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:43:06 PM): I just don't get into all the contemporary Christian stuff (no offense if that's what you're into). That's one of the reasons I converted to the Catholic Church. I like the solemnity of it.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:43:49 PM): that is cool
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:44:18 PM): i left the catholic church cause of the teachings it still has
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:44:31 PM): old testament type things
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:45:00 PM): That's funny because I joined it for it's teachings.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:46:14 PM): When Jesus died on the cross for us he made the way for us not to have to go to the priest to confess we can go to Jesus who goes to the father on our behalf
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:47:05 PM): i really just see it as we all serve one God why must we all be so divided
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:47:18 PM): I don't want to get into theological discussions. You're right that we can confess directly to Christ, but confession serves a purpose and has it's place. I feel it makes me more accountable.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:47:43 PM): I agree... but it's the protestant churches that created the division. The Catholic Church is the original church.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:50:25 PM): it is the original church
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:50:45 PM): Do you know how the first pope became the pope
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:51:06 PM): He was appointed by Christ... the first pope was Peter.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:52:12 PM): I won't say that the Catholic Church has not had it's problems and issues with previous popes and the problems with priests etc... but it has lasted the past 2000 years and has not wavered in its teachings. No other church can say that.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:52:54 PM): i understand that
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:53:10 PM): but the teachings is what gets me
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:53:46 PM): they're all Biblical. You may not like them or agree with them, but nothing is unbiblical.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:54:46 PM): and it's consistent... too many other churches will say that a passage in the Bible means this when another says it means that... there's no consistency.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:54:56 PM): are they teachings from the old testement
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 2:57:35 PM): some, but not all... the Catholic Church very much believes in the concept of Christ coming and being the new covenant which means you don't have to follow all the old "rules" of the old testament... like not eating pork... if you do, then you're probably Jewish. The Catholic Church relies heavily on the New Testament and it is revered... why do you think the congregation stands when the Gospel is read? The teachings of the Old Testament has it's place, but the teachings of the Catholic Church isn't based on it alone.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 2:59:37 PM): mmmm
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:00:36 PM): Does the catholic church practice the laying on of hands and healings
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:01:08 PM): Not that I'm aware of, but they do believe in miracles that happen.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:01:39 PM): so you would think benny hin was all a crock
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:01:49 PM): Personally, yes.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:03:10 PM): what about the prophets people who come to minister and speak into your life
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:04:15 PM): I wouldn't call them prophets... but I do have those that have been a part of my growth in my faith... what about them?
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:04:47 PM): do think that is real or a crock
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:05:44 PM): I don't think there are prophets today. I believe God works through people, however.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:06:26 PM): Have you ever been baptized in the holy spirit
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:07:40 PM): I was Baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in the Baptist church when I was nine years old. When I was confirmed in the Catholic Church, I received the gifts of the Holy Spirit as the grace was conferred on me.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:09:23 PM): SO you dont like it when you are in church and the presence of the lord is so thick that people pass out or fall speak in tongues and recieve what is called baptized in the holy spirit when the holy spirit comes apon you .
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:11:05 PM): I don't believe in any of that... no. Speaking in tongues is a gift and if one speaks in a tongue, then there should also be an interpretation of what they are saying. I don't need what others would call a "spirit-filled" church... I find more spirit and holiness in the Catholic Church than in any other I have been to.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:12:40 PM): in the bible he reads that Jesus met with the 12 in something like an upstairs room and that JESUS breathed upon them baptizing them in the holy spirit
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:12:49 PM): yes
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:12:58 PM): and gave them the gift of tongues
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:13:03 PM): so they could understand each other
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:13:16 PM): if someone speaks in a tongue and nobody else understands them... what's the point?
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:13:26 PM): so why is it hard to believe in someone in church receiving the same gift
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:18:42 PM): Baptizing them in the spirit was to give them the grace they needed to spread the word and deal with the hardships along the way It was to speak the truth and live according to Christ's teachings. Speaking in tongues was given so they could go out and talk to others in languages that they weren't familiar with. Somebody babbling in a so-called "tongue" with not interpretation is not a gift.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:25:53 PM): Acts 2 The Holy Spirit Comes at Pentecost 1When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. 3They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. 4All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues[a] as the Spirit enabled them.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:26:14 PM): I know the passage. It was read this past Sunday.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:26:14 PM): This happen then why no now
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:26:32 PM): Because it isn't necessary now
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:26:39 PM): why not
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:28:08 PM): The purpose of tongues was for UNDERSTANDING each other. If everyone in the room speaks English... there's no need for speaking in tongues. Speaking in some "unknown" language when the spirit comes upon someone is not the gift of tongues. It is babbling.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:29:09 PM): Look.. we obviously disagree on this matter... nothing you can say or any scripture you can show me will convince me otherwise. I'm certain that I will not convince you of it's absurdity either.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:29:29 PM): in acts every one in that room spoke the same language
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:29:37 PM): but they were doing it
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:29:57 PM): But they were to be sent out as disciples.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:30:12 PM): and needed the gift to spread the word
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:30:32 PM): aren't we all disciples
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:30:44 PM): shouldn't we all spread the word
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:30:52 PM): So when you speak in tongues, who interprets?
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:31:25 PM): Why do we need tongues to spread the word?
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:31:32 PM): I can do that without it
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:32:11 PM): when we enter in the spirit during praise and some one speaks in tongues there is some with the girt of interpreting the message
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:32:25 PM): Riiighhhttt.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:33:15 PM): I am not here to upset you we just have deifferent views
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:33:27 PM): So why go on about it?
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:33:35 PM): I just said that we're not going to agree.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:33:52 PM): I believe it's a bunch of hooey.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:33:58 PM): What does the book say about being saved
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:34:18 PM): Oh geez... I'm not ready to get on the whole salvation kick.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:34:51 PM): That's the major reason I joined the Catholic Church. I did not believe that "once saved, always saved."
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:34:52 PM): lol
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:34:59 PM): Just a quick question
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:42:14 PM): that's not a very quick question
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:42:34 PM): lol
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:42:41 PM): sorry i think i wil drop it
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:43:09 PM): we could go on forever i just find it interesting what other people think
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:43:40 PM): If you want to know what I think, you can read my Catholic blog. It talks about my conversion and several faith issue questions.
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:43:47 PM): www.acatholicjourney.blogspot.com
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:44:03 PM): awesome
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:44:08 PM): are you upset at me
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:44:12 PM): not at all
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:44:15 PM): i hope not
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:44:19 PM): ok good
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:44:34 PM): I'm just standing firm in my beliefs... as are you.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:44:52 PM): i am not knocking you i think you should hold true to what you believe
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:45:05 PM): I am, I will and I do.
michael alvarez (6/5/2006 3:45:24 PM): in the end we are all saved and we will all sing praises in his kingdom
coaster_lover_tx (6/5/2006 3:46:22 PM): That is true... if we live a life in God's grace and are deemed worthy when our time is up.

Perhaps this summer I'll write a post on my thoughts on salvation.

Acceptance of the Church's Teachings

Thanks to a new blog that I've been reading, I'm going to go on a little bit of a rant. I beg your indulgence in this matter.

The blog I read referred to this article entitled The Flaming Heart - Why should gays be denied the pleasures of Catholic guilt?

First let me say that I don’t have a problem with people that choose to be gay. I also agree that in some it could very well be a part of their genetics. My sister straddled the lesbian fence for a while. I have had friends and acquaintances that have been gay. I do not judge others for their sexual orientation. I don’t have to agree with their lifestyle. I can feel personally that it is morally wrong, but it doesn’t mean that I have to bash them or sit in judgment on them.

That being said, the article did not sit well with me. It’s not that I think that gays & lesbians shouldn’t join the Church. All are welcome. But when one chooses to become Catholic, I feel that they really have to examine the teachings of the Church and decide whether or not they can accept them. I didn’t say agree, but accept. I had to do a great deal of soul searching myself. I had issues, though generally small, to deal with.

My friend, Carol, laughs at me when I tell her how the idea of having to go to Mass every week was one of my biggest hurdles. Yeah, now it seems so miniscule, but I had gotten to a point in my life that I enjoyed my lazy weekends. I liked sleeping in. I wasn’t sure if I could make myself go. I discovered that I don’t have to do that. I want to go. I feel off when I don’t go. Even on those mornings when I’m really tired and I drag myself to Mass, I am always happy that I go. I didn’t have to change, a change happened within me.

There were several other things to consider in my conversion process. Papal infallibility and other doctrines like Mary’s virginity, the Eucharist, and purgatory to name a few. I didn’t have a problem with any of these. They were all very logical and made more sense than anything I’d learned before. I did have to pause to think a little about the notion of contraception. Reading the arguments for it made sense, and I agreed with them, but it was a part of something bigger for me.

S.E.X. (Carol, you might want to skip over this paragraph) I had to come to terms with my sexuality and a kind of lifestyle to which I had somewhat grown accustomed. But first, some background. I got pregnant in college. I had my son and raised him on my own. I had a string of different relationships over the years, all of which were sexual. I finally learned my lesson and went on birth control, but I never gave up sex itself. I liked it. Then I met my now ex-husband, Richard. He opened up a much larger world in terms of sex. He was overtly sexual. It was a big deal for him. It caused a lot of stress in our marriage and eventually was part of our breakup, but I did several things in my marriage that I now regret. I went to strip clubs with my husband and other things just to try to spice up our love life in my attempts to save the marriage. It was never enough for him and I realized that we had two different sets of morals that could not be compromised. So our marriage ended. Shortly after that I had some major self-esteem issues and went on a binge of sorts. I thought that I needed to feel sexy and desired. I went out on a lot of dates many of which became sexual. I am not proud of this and it is something that am now very shameful of, but I can’t change the past.

I won’t go into more details, but suffice to say, sex was something I was going to have to have a hard time letting go. It was a bit consuming for me. After I started going to Mass and broke up with my last boyfriend, I decided I was going to try to live a more chaste life because I felt obligated. I briefly dated another guy after that and I lapsed again. But I was more conscious about it. As I got more involved with church and studied more, I realized that I had to let go of this particular side of me. I also concluded that I couldn’t change myself; I had to let God work in me and give me the strength I needed. At one point earlier this year, I finally got it. I realized that much of what I was struggling with was really a kind of selfish attitude. My choices to participate in something that was not a part of a marriage was hurtful to God. So one day I made a commitment to let it go and continued to pray for God’s strength. And He has not let me down, thus far. I even went so far as to burn some pictures that my ex-husband had taken and threw away a lot of other things that I had. It was really quite freeing.

I was making a point with all of this; I promise. My decision to become Catholic means that I have to live an honest a Christian lifestyle. I have to make an effort to be chaste. If I should marry again, I have to adhere to the Church’s teaching on contraception and use Natural Family Planning. I had to get an annulment just so that I would be eligible to get married again. The point is that if a person chooses to become Catholic, they should feel obligated to live up to its standards. Of course it doesn’t mean that we will never sin again, but we should at least try to avoid it. Luckily we have the sacrament of reconciliation when we do fail. But it shouldn’t be used as a kind of get out of jail free card. Someone that sins with the idea that all they need to do is go to confession is guilty of an even greater sin – that of presumption. To be forgiven of sins, one must have a repentant heart.

Which leads me back to the article. The author first goes into why he even chose the Catholic Church despite its “gay bashing tendencies.” I’m sure there are those in the Church that are like that, but I have found that people in the Catholic Church are far more likely to be accepting of gays and lesbians than in many other Churches. We are taught to love others regardless.

He goes on to speak about his grandmother, horror movies, and his “crush” on Christ as part of his calling into the Church. As he goes into the eroticism of the Church, however, I am quite dismayed. The Church is not without its faults and has a not so shiny history, but I wouldn’t take quite as far as the author does. The notion of a sensual Church is not something that is appealing.

One appealing aspect for him is the fact that the Catholic Church has more numbers of gays in its ranks than other denominations. For me, that is a kind of “duh” in the sense that it’s the largest group of Christians in the United States and naturally there would be more in terms of numbers. Then he goes on to comment that he is called “to forgive the church as they have been forgiven by Jesus for the same propensity toward persecution.” I think he has a lot of gall to say that it is up to him to forgive the Church for its stance on homosexuality. Being able to forgive is certainly a worthwhile quality, but to go as far to say that the Church is wrong in stating that homosexuality is morally wrong when it has been condemned by God since the days of the Old Testament is outrageous. The Church is not perfect, but unlike many other denominations, it has not waned in its teachings for the past 2000 years. He goes on to comment that other sins like abortion, birth control, masturbation and the like are just as heinous in the eyes of the Church as homosexuality. He is right and there are those that call themselves Catholic and still commit sins on regular basis like using birth control. But just like anyone else, they are culpable for their sin and their forgiveness is dependent upon their repentance. Although Jesus is certainly forgiving and has abundant love for all of us, when we consistently choose to hurt Him with our sins and only ask for forgiveness for fear of damnation, we are really being hypocritical. Being a Christian, and most especially a Catholic, means striving to do the best we can, with God’s help and sincerely asking for forgiveness when we fail. I certainly agree with what my fellow Catholic blogger posted about this article stating “Very disturbing article that shows a total contempt for AND lack of understanding of the teaching of the Church.”

I recently posted my profile on Catholicmatch.com again just for grins because I want my next relationship to be grounded in the faith and all that the Church teaches. (And there doesn’t seem to be any available men here locally.) I am still appalled by the fact that even those people that consider themselves Catholic put in their profile that they don’t agree with some of the Church’s major teachings. When a profile is filled out you answer seven faith questions. I find that several people put down that they don’t agree with the concepts of premarital sex, contraception and papal infallibility. I can perhaps see where a person is born into the faith and hasn’t had a proper upbringing might have issues with some teachings. But for someone that actually chooses to become Catholic by converting to have such problems like the fellow in the article it is quite disturbing. I don’t profess to know and understand everything about Catholicism. I am learning and growing, but because I have chosen this as my faith, I feel obligated to adhere to it.

Page Updates

Now that I have had some time this summer, I am working on some page updates and my personal website. I have added a few new links on my sidebar of blogs that I enjoy reading. I also found a new group called "Catholic Converts" that I joined. If you're a convert, or considering converting, you might want to check it out.

I am also going to try to post a little more often here, but I can't make any promises. I have a lot of plans for this summer, but I'm moving pretty slowly on some of them. I do hope that I can now go to some daily masses.

So check out the new links in my sidebar and hope your summer is going well!

Missionary for Christ

One of the big issues I had with being involved in the Baptist church was their upfront protocol of knocking on people's doors and quite frankly asking them if they were "saved." I felt very uncomfortable in that role. Perhaps if I had truly been "saved" then I would have not had an issue with it and been excited to share the good news of Jesus Christ!! I really thought that it was in bad taste to interrupt people's lives in that way. And honestly though some people might have become "saved" in such instances, most likely it wasn't for real because we might have seen them in church the next Sunday and then they drift away again. I was an on-again, off-again Christian of sorts. For a long time I decided I really couldn't call myself a Christian because I couldn't or wouldn't live a Christ-like life and I refused to act hypocritical about it as so many others did. That's when I stopped going to church.

Today's homily was about our calling to be witnesses for Christ. I am glad that the Catholic Church isn't quite as overt as the Baptist church. Father said that one of the best ways to share is through our lives and how we live. When we are at peace in our spirituality and we are living according to values of the Gospel of Christ we are being witnesses to others. And at times other people may want to know our "secret." That's when we can share with them because they are open to reception. When we come uninvited there's already a kind of wall built up.

Father stated that we have been commissioned by the Lord to be missionaries of the Gospel. Certainly others are called to more bold in their service by going to places where they are in danger or doing different kinds of charity work. I am still not sure what God's will for me is, but at least my heart is finally in it. Perhaps it's no more than this blog. Maybe it will affect someone that reads it. Maybe not. Perhaps it already has. I don't know and don't necessarily have to know, but I write about my experiences because I do want to share how wonderful it has been for me.

The key in all of this is having a spirit of gentleness, humility and patience. That's a big step for some people and I certainly admit it has been for me. But I am finally in a place where I am garnering those qualities (at least some of the time.) I can say for a fact that I have really changed since I started going to Mass and since becoming Catholic. For the first time I have a true love for Christ and a desire to build a relationship with Him. I am living a more honorable and pure life. I love going to Mass every week. I sat in the pew today just smiling because I was there. Although I know that I'm still growing and learning, I continue to pray that others are able to see Christ in me. My sponsor told me that in a card she gave me and it was one of the best compliments I have ever received.

I know that God has already been working in me and I'm sure He will continue to do so. In the past two years, I have had more religious conversations with my son than I ever have in my life. And perhaps it will make an impact on him. Perhaps not right away, but I think a little sinks in. I think that although he still is in a place where he isn't sure about things, he has taken an interest in my journey and I've even gotten him to Mass a few times.
When I saw Marty last week he mentioned more than once that although he's not ready for any kind of return to Church right now, it is something that has been on his mind and he has been giving it some thought. Maybe I had something to do with that or not, but I will continue to pray for him.

I often can't explain how I ended up in the Catholic Church, but I am so thankful and happy to be home. I pray that I am able to accept and do God's will whatever it may be.

Love

Today's homily was about love. In the past year, I have learned a great deal about what love means. I know about the love a mother has for her child. That is an instinctive love for most. But otherwise, I am just now learning about loving others and what it entails.
I grew up in a family that I wouldn't say was stingy about love, but it was not actively shown. We never said "I love you." I know that may sound strange to others, but it was to be understood through actions and not words. Today Father Phan said that people can show love either by words or actions, but it should be shown to those that need to know it. I grew up with some resentment in my family because perhaps I didn't understand love. I resented them for not always being at band concerts or supporting me like other parents did their kids. I realize now that they did indeed love me despite their own imperfections.
I thought perhaps because of my upbringing that I might be incapable of really loving someone because although I did learn to say "I love you" to people other than my family, I still always seemed to have relationship problems. I know that I did play a part in many issues, but there's always two sides to every story.
In the homily today, Father gave the definition of love being "sincere concern for the well being of another." I think for the first time in my life I am capable of loving others. I wrote a post about forgiveness and I think that it really goes hand in hand with love. Without the ability to love, you cannot forgive. I came to a point with my ex-husband after our divorce that I had to forgive him. I wrote him a letter apologizing for the hurts I caused in our marriage and told him that despite everything that I appreciated having him in my life. It made a huge difference in things and we are now friends. I understood what forgiveness could do.
Now I'm learning that love is really a matter of being unselfish. This something that is quite a blow for me because although I hate admitting it, I have been very selfish when it came to relationships. I was in my marriage and I certainly was in my last relationship with Marty. Although I know that I had love for him, I think I didn't really love him the way I should have. I would get upset when things didn't go the way I planned or if he did something that upset me. There were many times that I look back (hindsight is always 20-20) and realize how selfish I was. He was going through so many things and I should have simply done what I could for his benefit rather than my whims. Now, I'm not saying that I was to blame for the breakup, he had his own issues to deal with. He too, didn't love me in the way that he could have. So now I accept that it wasn't meant to be for us. But the great thing is that it was our relationship that brought me in to the Church.
I am almost in a state where I am reprogramming my mind. I am learning to not have a selfish attitude. (Though I am still working on that matter.) I am learning to love others although they may be people that have hurt me or those that I don't particularly like. I have student that tends to drive me crazy in class. I find myself praying for him quite often. I pray for Marty on almost a daily basis.
It boils down to the fact that real love takes effort. It's not that happy-go-lucky feeling that happens in the beginning of relationships. It is something much deeper and if it's real, it lasts. Some things that Father Phan mentioned in his homily struck home. First, we have to realize that love is the measure of where we are in being in a state of grace. Having love for all people, even our enemies means that we are living the way that God expects of us. When we have hatred for others, we are missing the target.
Without love, we are nothing. Our love of our neighbor is what leads us to God. We should remember that it takes just as much energy to hold grudges as it does to love. We are better off simply loving as much as it may seem to hurt us in a moment. The thing is that moments pass, life goes on and we are so much better when we love rather than harbor ill will. As Christ commands, "Love one another as I have loved you." How many of us can honestly say that we have lived up to that standard?

A surprise

I was with my class in the library today when another teacher came in. She is a friend of mine and she asked about this one student that we both have. He's a really good kid and she kidded by asking if I send him to the office every day. I said, yeah, he's so awful that I gave him an award for the class. (which I did, but it was an outstanding award) She then asked me if I knew what his future career plans were. I said that I didn't know and then she told me that he was thinking about becoming a priest. She then had him come tell me himself. He said that he had gone to adoration in Amarillo and it was something that just struck him. I thought that was wonderful. He's only a freshman and fifteen years old. I know that he may not end up going in that direction, but I will certainly pray for him and I think he would be a wonderful priest. I don't know if any of my readers watched the A&E series "God or the Girl" that was on a few weeks ago. This kid reminds me a lot of the character "Dan." He was the one that had dark curly hair and carried the cross for twenty miles. I think this kid's personality is kind of similar. Well, I just wanted to share that with you today.

Abandon Ship!

Not really. I just have had a lot going on and haven't had time to do much posting. Although I try to stay fairly regular with my other blog, this one needs more thought so I may not post for a while. I do plan to post more regularly in the summer when I can do more research and planning. So please don't give up on this blog yet. I will return. Now that I'm officially Catholic, it is certainly not the end of my journey. I just have to get through the next few weeks at school. And yes, I am counting down the days!

Still Joyous

I went to the 11:15 Mass today. I decided to sleep in since I spent 6 hours on yellow dog (school bus) yesterday. While in Church today, I kept thinking about my previous post and the people that think Mass is too long. Normal Sunday Masses in our parish run about an hour and fifteen minutes. Is that really so long? I know many people can't see the joy in a Mass where it's the same thing over and over but I still think it's because they don't understand the sacraments and the work that they do in our lives. I couldn't help but sit and smile in the pew. I love being Catholic. I love being able to tell someone "I am Catholic."
While I was at the tournament this weekend I was talking to some other coaches about flowers and I mentioned that my sister had just sent me some. When asked why, I told them it was to congratulate me on my confirmation in the Catholic Church. Another coach wanted to ask me something kind of personal she said. She wanted to know if I had a problem with the concept of confession. I told her that although it was kind of hard to do, I didn't have a problem with it. I can understand why other people have issues with it, but I know first hand the power and peace of it. She told me that she no longer went to the Catholic Church, but had been Methodist for many years. She said this past year at Easter that she very much wanted to go to confession for some reason. She said that she is now thinking about going back. I told her that she would love it if she did and that she should just go to Mass some time. While there, the secretary of the church (our tournament was held at a Methodist church) said that she couldn't help overhear and commented that she was Catholic and attended another church in town. We then talked about some other things about retreats and such. It is so nice to have these conversations just pop up. I still have yet to get into a discussion with anyone that has had a major problem with Catholicism. I've discovered that many people tend to be curious about it. It has been quite refreshing. And you know what? I've really had a desire to go back to confession. I haven't committed any mortal sins, but I think it would be nice to really get the venial sins out and to continue to get comfortable with the process itself.

Wisdom of a 15 year old

My son isn't into church. It is my fault really. I didn't raise him any church because of my own issues with religion. He now considers himself agnostic. He doesn't necessarily deny the existence of God, but he isn't certain of it either. The thing about him is that he is very much like me in that things must be proven to him. He relies on logic and reasoning. Fortunately, I have always had a belief in God, I just put Him on the shelf for a number of years. Although he isn't "religious", we have had some interesting discussions and I am not sure that he will stay that way. I think something profound may have to occur before he can see God's work, but I have hope and I pray for him daily. Last year he surprised me by asking if he could go to church with me some time. His father's funeral seemed to have an impact on him and I believe he is at least curious and perhaps searching to some degree. He decided he would like to visit a variety of churches and just see how they are. He has since visited Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, and Episcopalian churches. I have never pushed him about going, but thankfully his piano teacher (who happens to be the choir director at my church) has been getting him involved in playing his clarinet. I think I have influenced him to some degree because I have answered his questions about what the Catholic faith teaches compared to other religions. He tends to agree with my viewpoint and he has commented about Catholic and Episcopal services being more reverent and holy.
He asked me the other day if people ever complained about the length of their church services. I said that sure, some do. I said that is probably why several people didn't show up to the Easter Vigil service. He said that some girls had been complaining about it being so long. Sure, it was a little over two hours, but it didn't seem like it to me at all. It was so beautiful and special. Josh then said, "Isn't going to church about worshipping God?" I replied, "Yes." He then continued, "So why should people complain about the length of their service?" I told him I didn't know. And when you think about it, it really is a good point. I think that if you're worried about how long the service is, then you're not fully participating in it. It becomes rote. It becomes a resentful obligation in some cases. And I find that sad. Is God asking too much that we give our Sundays to Him? I used to worry about whether or not I could make the commitment of giving up my Sundays for Church. I enjoyed my free time on weekends and I didn't know if I could make myself go every week. But as I started going, it has never felt like an obligation. I want to go. I feel off if I don't get to go for some reason. So now I look back and laugh because that was my only major stumbling block about coming into the Catholic Church. It now is such an insignificant thing. Josh may not be involved in religion, but he seems to get it.

First Mass Away from Home

O.k. it's really less than a mile from my home Church, but since I wasn't able to attend Mass this morning, I went to the Catholic Student Center on campus. It was a little different, but interesting. Father Scott has a LOT of energy. I think he is a good person to be in place at the student center because of that. There were 3 Baptisms and a confirmation tonight. I was very happy for those coming into the Church.
I have some other posts I am pondering, but am just too tired to work on them right now. I have the day off tomorrow so I might post then.

Does it show?

I have been wearing my crucifix for over a year now. Nobody in the past year has asked me about being Catholic. Perhaps it has just been assumed. But I was in a craft store today and a girl that was working the register asked me if I was Catholic. I told her yes, that I actually just came into the Church. She said she had been thinking about being Catholic and wanted to know where I attended Church. She said the only people she knew that were Catholics were Hispanic and went to Mass in Spanish. I told her that I attended St. Ann's in Canyon and it was wonderful, but if she lived in Amarillo she might try St. Thomas. She said that she lived in Canyon. I then told her that St. Ann's was wonderful and she should visit. I didn't have much time as there was someone in line behind me but told her that they also had a website. I now wished I had gotten her name. I may have to go back there and give her a more personal invitation. I don't know her personally, but I love the fact that a total stranger asked me about being Catholic. Maybe it now shows on my face, but it is certainly in my heart.

I have been watching the show on A&E called "God or the Girl" and am moved by the stories of the men that are discerning the priesthood. I think that they have actually done a very good job with the show and have kept it very tasteful. Something that one of the guys said on the show moved me tonight. He said "sometimes God is a whisper rather than a phone call or a gust of wind." That has been my life in the past year. I still wasn't certain of my choice a year ago, but that gentle calling and soft nudges led me to know His will for me at this time. I am sure that He has other great things planned for me and I pray that I am able to do whatever He asks.

More on the sacrifice of the Mass

Jimmy Akin is a great Catholic apologist that really spells out much better than I an explanation of what the Mass is in regard to it being a re-presentation of Christ's sacrifice. You can read it here.

I am Home

It was a wonderful evening. I can't begin to describe the happiness and joy I feel at this moment. It was wonderful from beginning to end. It was made even more special by the fact that Josh played his clarinet this evening. I also had some friends there. My friend, Kenneth, who is also Catholic came to support me. I was so happy to see him. He said he was going to go to confession so that he could participate in the Eucharist. And he did. And then my friends Patrick and Tiffany were there as well. I was so glad that they were able to come. It really meant a lot to me to have them there. My family was not able to make it. My brother had other plans and my dad and his girlfriend were sick. But I had the support of some friends and my new family of the Church.

If someone told me two years ago that some day I would be Catholic, I probably would have just laughed at them and said, "Yeah, right." I am in a completely different place, but it is where I am supposed to be. I absolutely LOVE the faith. I love everything about it. There seems to be a kind of special bond with Catholics... it's like something we just know. Even those that perhaps haven't practiced their faith in a while, there is just something about people that have been or are part of the Catholic Church. And I believe it is because of the grace received in the sacraments. Tiffany asked me tonight if I felt different and I said yes. It is not something I can really describe other than just knowing that I have come home.

My Cup Runneth Over

I can't believe the show of support I have had as I take my final steps into the Catholic faith. I sent out announcements to family and friends. I didn't expect them to shower me with gifts or anything; I just wanted them to know what an important step this is for me. But many have been very generous. My aunt sent me fifty dollars and a beautiful wooden crucifix. Then there is the other aunt that sent me a rose scented rosary along with a wonderful letter and card. My friend Norma (Marty's sister-in-law) gave me a box that holds photos and two rosaries made out of rope that are quite unique. I received a card from my former mother-in-law with a note that said she wasn't sure if she would make it, but hoped to be there. My sister sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers today. I am in awe of the outpouring of support I have received.

I wasn't sure what the reactions of people would be when the learned of my decision to join the Church. I didn't make a big deal out of it, but I casually let people know. Almost everyone that learned of my decision told me how wonderful they thought it was and congratulated me. My online friend Summer just sent me an email letting me know she was thinking of me. I didn't think my dad was going to come tonight because he said he would probably be gone camping, but he called last night and asked what time it started. I think my brother may be there and I have a couple of other friends that said they would come. I only received dissent from one person, my friend Bret, but that was expected. And truth be told, he has probably helped me grow the most in the faith aside from my sponsor.

Well, it is just a few hours away and I am still quite excited. I have to say that this is the best decision I have ever made. I know that not everyone can share or understand a religious zeal, but once you really experience God's grace, you can't help but be joyous.

Moving along

I have to say that things are moving so very fast and a part of me wants it to slow down a little so I can really savor it. Tomorrow is already Holy Thursday. Josh will be playing the clarinet and I will be singing in the choir.
Today I got a package in the mail. Unexpected packages are always exciting! My aunt that lives in Indiana (who I recently found out is also Catholic) sent me a rosary that smells like roses. It is very beautiful. She also sent me a card and a wonderful letter that I am definitely going to respond to when things slow down.
I have to send out a special thanks to my good friend Bret. (The Baptist preacher) I love him to death. He and I have been friends for over 20 years now. He has gotten me through some rough times and I know he has prayed for me for many, many years now. Sure, we disagree in our respective beliefs, but we have never been ugly about it. I have to thank him for the fact that he has helped me grow even more strongly in my faith. It's probably not something he would like to hear me say, but as he has questioned things and shared his concerns, it has made me really learn what the Catholic faith teaches and believes. It's not so much a defense of Catholicism as it is understanding and perhaps just setting the record straight so to speak. I check his blog daily and oftentimes it will inspire something that leads to a post on here, perhaps a quick prayer or just some personal research. The other day he linked to another blog that had a comment about praying to the saints. I won't get involved in a response about that right now (but it is good blog fodder), but it just makes me shake my head a little and pray for those that don't "get it." Sure, I think that several things that the Baptists believe in are wrong, but I think that Bret is a very fine preacher and he is very sincere and devout.
Sometimes I wished that things had "sunk in" for me back when I did attend church, because now I am finally "getting it." I am understanding what a true conversion of the soul is. I understand how people can really change. It's not just going through the motions for me. It is really a change in my thoughts, my actions, my heart and my soul. Though I didn't have a grand "Come to Jesus" moment, I have finally allowed myself to really come to Jesus.

Bible Reading

I am still working my way through the Bible. I have now finished the first books (Genesis & Exodus) and am getting into Leviticus. Right now it's not very exciting as it is going on about laws and the proper way to sacrifice and sin offerings etc. I am certainly glad that Christ came as the final offering and we no longer have to offer a goat or something for our sins. Otherwise my first confession would have been quite a bloody mess! Ha-ha! It is a bit gory to read about all the things that they had to do back then. But I am still enjoying it because you can still see a lot of what goes on in the mass in the descriptions from the clothing that the priests wear and in the annointings etc. It just reminds me of how excited I am about receiving the sacrament of confirmation in a few short days.

Ever since my confession, I feel that I am in a better place in relation to God. And it's really quite simple. When we have sin in our lives we are not in God's grace. It's like talking to Him with a bad connection. But when we are cleansed through reconciliation it's like the line just clears up and He is hearing us loud and clear. Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am for the Catholic Church? It is just amazing what this journey has done for me. I am in awe of the peace, the forgiveness, and the joy that I have experienced. And the thing is.. it is only going to get better. I am still lacking in the fact that I have not been sealed by the Holy Spirit. I can't imagine what things await after Easter Vigil! God is Great!

The Lord's Supper

If you have read this blog for a while (all 3 of you) then you know that I have intermittently have had a dialogue about my choice to become Catholic with a good friend of mine that is a Baptist preacher in California. He has had his concerns and I appreciate the fact that he is worried about my soul. I know, however, that I am in the right place and it is not a decision I entered into lightly at all. I believe in all the things the Church teaches and grown so much as I have taken this journey.

Last night when I got home I checked all the blogs I usually read and found that my Baptist friend had moved his to a new location. I checked it out and found his link for his sermons that can be listened to online. He had a sermon that was titled "Proper Etiquette at the Lord's Table" that I thought sounded interesting. So I listened to it. All 44 minutes. It brought back a lot of memories of sitting in his church when he lived here. He has the same voice and same style. I think it's interesting that a Baptist congregation is participating in a semblance of the Lord's Supper, but am dismayed by the fact that it is greatly misinterpreted. He made a little bit of dig in his sermon regarding what he thinks the Catholic view of communion is. I truly wish that people who chastize the Church because of our beliefs would at least learn what we really believe rather than depend on misinformation that comes from non-Catholic sources. If you want to really know and understand, then ask a Catholic.

He claimed that Catholics believe that the Lords Supper is an act of re-crucifying Christ and that it confers salvation. So I would like to set the record straight as to what the Eucharist is.

First of all it is a sacrament. Sacraments are not merely symbols as many protestants may believe. By definition they "are outward signs of inward grace, instituted by Christ for our sanctification." That means it is really something that is given by God especially the Eucharist because it IS Christ Himself. Grace is conferred by the sacraments. Grace is what helps us to act and live like Christians. So, yes, he is right in that it plays a part in our salvation. But it's not the only thing that saves us. It is just something that helps us on our path to salvation.

• Just as food and drink delight and refresh the heart of man, so does this "Heavenly Bread containing within itself all sweetness" produce in the soul of the devout communicant ineffable bliss, which, however, is not to be confounded with an emotional joy of the soul or with sensible sweetness. Although both may occur as the result of a special grace, its true nature is manifested in a certain cheerful and willing fervor in all that regards Christ and His Church, and in the conscious fulfillment of the duties of one's state of life, a disposition of soul which is perfectly compatible with interior desolation and spiritual dryness. A good Communion is recognized less in the transitory sweetness of the emotions than in its lasting practical effects on the conduct of our daily lives. New Advent
  

The Mass is NOT re-crucifying Christ. He can only die on the cross once for us. The Mass is a re-presentation of the sacrifice that has already happened. Christ becomes present in the bread and wine... he doesn't die again. Participating by taking the Eucharist unites us with Christ and allows us to share in His saving act.

In his sermon, Bret made some good points about not participating in the Lord's Supper in an unworthy manner as it is indicated in I Corinthians. If anything, most Catholics that are strong in their faith take this very seriously. One cannot receive communion if they are not in a state of grace. Having committed any mortal sins without reconciliation is a big no-no when it comes to receiving the body and blood of Christ.

Although I know protestants disagree with the concept of the real presence of Christ, I want to make the point that when Paul speaks about proper way to approach the Lord's supper in Corinthians, he was talking to people that were really the first Catholics that did believe in it and have believed it for over 2000 years.

In less than a week now I will be able to participate in my first communion. I am glad that I am in this community of faith that knows and understands the Eucharist.

Healed

I am sitting here crying. I think these are tears of joy in knowing that my sins are forgiven, tears of remorse for all the ways I have failed God, and simply tears of relief to have it over with.
It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had my list, I went through it rather quickly it seemed. Father talked to me about God's grace and how it is amazing that I was even there. I can say that I am walking, breathing, living proof of the incredible power of God. Just when I thought I could live life on my own terms and I didn't need God, He gently takes my hand and starts leading me home. And I am home. In a little over a week, I will be confirmed in the Church and will be able to experience the grace of the Eucharist, but in my heart I am already Catholic. In this moment I feel such an incredible holiness. For the first time since my Baptism I am completely in God's grace. A huge weight has been lifted from my soul. I truly want to serve God, I want Him to use me for His purpose. Now it's time to really get to work!

Still Nervous

I am not sure that I am ready for my confession this evening. Part of me thinks I should have scheduled a specific private time with the priest. But then again, I really just want to get it over with. I know that it will be wonderful once it's all done... it's just getting to that point. I spent about an hour in prayer last night asking God to let me know all the things that I need to confess. Somehow I still feel that I haven't covered everything. I also know the things I will be telling the priest is nothing he hasn't heard before. It's just one of those things that I can certainly know that I will feel better afterwards, and know that I am not be judged by the priest, and know that it probably not going to be as bad as it seems, but it doesn't really make it easier. I am worried that my confession won't be complete. I am worried that I will take too much time. I am worried thatI am not feeling repentent enough. I do feel bad about my sins, and I know that they have separated me from God, and I am earnestly making an attempt to not sin any more, but somehow I feel it's still not enough. I can say, however, that since I have been going to mass, the urge to sin has greatly decreased. Lately, I am mostly guilty of venial sins. I just pray that things go well tonight. I pray that it will not be as bad as I expect it to be. I pray that I stop fretting over it so much. And I pray that God gives me the courage, wisdom and the words to make a truly complete confession.

Confession

My first is coming up really soon. Tomorrow night in fact. I think I should have spent more time reflecting over my past sins than I have, but I am just overwhelmed with so many other things. I am, however, taking time tonight to get away and spend it in prayer and reflection. I do want to make a good, thorough confession. I am not sure if I feel nervous or if it's just the fact that I'm going to have to bear it all to another person. I know that priests have heard it all before and I know that it will be a great relief when it's over.... it's just everything leading up to it, you know? I have 27 years to cover. I know I can't possibly remember everything so I am going to sum it up the best that I can.
I was talking to my ex-husband last night and remarked on the fact that a great deal of the really big stuff was in the years that we were together. Things I am not proud of. Things that I thought I would have a hard time letting go. But you know what? I finally realize that I can truly do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Go figure.
Tonight I am going to make a list of those things I can remember and take my "cheat sheet" with me tomorrow. I am not sure what my penance might be, but I am actually, almost, sort of.. looking forward to it. It's the whole cleansing and letting go of things. It is truly healing. I am ready for my soul to be healed and be in God's grace once again.

Finished Genesis

I have been reading every night before falling asleep. I find that some nights I am so engrossed that I read for 30 minutes or more. I really enjoyed the story about Joseph. Yes, I knew some of the basics like he had a coat of many colors and his brothers threw him in a well... and I had seen Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (great show by the way). But I never read the entire story. I have discovered that God seems to be very forgiving. There is a great deal of promiscuity, incest, lying, cheating and stealing; and yet God continues to bless many of those people. Since I will be going to my first confession soon, it is a relief to know that God is so forgiving.
I mailed my confirmation announcements this morning. I am thinking of going on my own personal retreat next weekend so I can spend some time in prayer and reflection. I just need some time away from home without distractions. There's always something going on. The t.v., the animals, Josh... I cannot take a private moment it seems. I didn't get to go to adoration this past Friday because I was at a speech tournament, but I hope to go this week.
Last night I was asked to be an attendant at a marriage blessing. Marty's sister-in-law (married to his brother) converted last year and finally got an annulment. Her husband's just went through as well (his was easy, he was Catholic and didn't marry within the Church). They are now planning on having their marriage blessed by a priest. I hope that perhaps her husband will consider coming back to Church at some point. He's like Marty and stopped going back in high school. I continue to pray for Marty and hope that he finds his way home one of these days.

I am fascinated

I really have been reading the Bible and it's really interesting. Those stories that I vaguely knew are coming to life and some things are making sense. And other things still aren't making sense, but perhaps will put that into another post. I am up to about Genesis 26 or so.
I have two students that are performing a duo that is basically a farce of the Bible. Sure, it is a bit offensive, but it is also quite funny if you look at it in fun. Some of the things they perform in it actually are funnier and make sense because I've been reading, like the scene involving the Tower of Babel. They do the scene twice... once in English and again in Spanish and now I finally get the joke.
I don't have anything else to report today... just wanted to give you a quick update on my progress.

The Bible

I've been thinking about the Bible lately. Yes, my experience the other night was quite interesting, but it's not the first time it's happened. It may be the first time, however, that I am listening to God and really making an attempt to follow His will. I took some action related to the experience which was posted in my other blog. I'm not going to go into any more details about it here, but it was a relief to let go those things.
Some denominations claim that the Bible is the only authority. They feel that all of God's instructions are in there and it is all we need for living a Christian life. I feel the Bible is indeed a great tool for living as God wants us to and is inerrant, but I am not in agreement with the concept of "sola scriptura." But that is not what this post is about either. I won't get into those reasons against it in this post. (Perhaps another time.)
I have realized that although I have had some education in the teachings of the Bible through going to church intermittently, I truly do not know it as well as I should. When I was in third grade, however, I did participate in a Bible drill contest that was pretty fun. I know some of the basic stories that most people do like Noah and the Ark, Jonah and the Whale, Psalm 23, stories of Christ and His parables like the Good Samaritan, and I can still quote a few verses here and there. But I have never completely read the Bible. I have not spent a lot of time studying it. I did briefly and have some copious notes in some of my other Bibles when I was attending church back in college, but most of it has now become pretty foggy. But since I have been going to Mass, I have heard much more of the Bible because of the readings each week. I have also enjoyed the adult faith formation class I have been attending as we have learned about the books of Luke and now John. But now I feel it is time for me to know more. Last night I decided that I am going to read the entire Bible. I know there are plans out there that take you through it in a year. I hope to finish it before then. Last night I began at the beginning with Genesis. I am not going to go into a great deal of analysis and study at this point. I simply want to read it like it was a novel and then later I can study various parts of it. Last night I was really captivated by it. I think for the first time, I will find pleasure in reading it. I didn't read long, but still managed to get to the point where Noah and his family was repopulating the earth after the flood. I am a little lost on some things and will research more at some point, but my goal right now is to read some of the Bible every night. Even if it is only a single chapter or a couple of verses.

God Speaks

Sometimes He uses subtle messages to prod us in the right direction. But sometimes when we ask for His guidance, He directly points something out to us. Last night as I was sitting in bed and reading my daily inspiration and daily meditation, I asked God that if there was something I really needed to know, please point it out to me. So I then go to my Bible and randomly open it. The first thing I read was 1 Corinthians 12:1-3 which reads

• Now in regard to spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be unaware. You know how, when you were pagans, you were constantly attracted and led away to mute idols. Therefore I tell you that nobody speaking by the spirit of God says, "Jesus be accursed." And no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the holy Spirit.

I thought that was interesting so I randomly opened it again. This time Ephesians 5:5 is what struck me.

• Be sure of this, that on immoral or impure or greedy person, that is, an idolator, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

So I decided to try it one more time and went for something in the Old Testament. Here is the passage that I read from 1 Kings 11: 4-10

• When Solomon was old his wives had turned his heart to strange gods, and his heart was not entirely with the Lord, his God, as the heart of his father David had been. By adoring Astarte, the goddess of the Sidonians, and Milcom, the idol of the Ammonites, Solomon did evil in the sight of the Lord; he did not follow him unreservedly as his father David had done. Solomon then built a high place to Chemosh, the idol of Moab, and to Molech, the idol of the Ammonites, on the hill opposite Jerusalem. He did the same for all his foreign wives who burned incense and sacrificed to their gods. The Lord, therefore, became angry with Solomon, because his heart was turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice (for though the Lord had forbidden him this very act of following strange gods, Solomon had not obeyed him.)

Do we notice a pattern here? I thought o.k. ; Idols. Idolatry. I think what God is saying is that I am still letting other things come before him. So I contemplate on it a bit, say my prayers and go to sleep.

Then I go to Mass this morning. I get there early so I can spend some time in prayer and reflection. I read the first reading for today which is Exodus 20: 1-17 (The Ten Commandments) Imagine what stood out once again.

• I, the Lord, am your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that place of slavery. You shall not have other gods besides me. You shall not carve idols for yourselves in the shape of anything in the sky above or on earth below or in the waters beneath the earth; you shall not bow down before them worship them.

I'm starting to really get the hint here. And can you possibly guess what Father Phan's homily was about today? I am sure it is no surprise, but he talked about the necessity of God's laws and that by following our own personal laws and standards we are lost. He used the example of the Golden Calf (and idol) and how it represents our human desires to live according to our own rules. He says we may still have a "Golden Calf" in our way when we put other things before God. He said that if you look where your heart is, there is your God.

And I admit that although I am trying to get on the right path with God, I still have other things in my life that I put before Him. And I still struggle with that. Thankfully, Father also mentioned that the remedy for all this is simply Christ. We must continue to live according to the laws of God. Obey the 10 commandments. Have a spirit of the Beattitudes. I know what I need to work on but won't air all of my dirty laundry on here. I will pray for help and guidance in the things I need to do.

The Gospel reading today was about Jesus casting out the money changers in the temple. I enjoyed Father's analogy that Lent is a wonderful season to clean house. Like Christ cleansed the Temple, we can also cleanse our souls of those things we put before God. He closed with a prayer of Trust in God. I will pray this throughout the season of Lent that I might have full faith and trust in Him. This is from Thomas Merton.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Relationships

I tend to think I am not very good at relationships in general. It's more than just my failed marriage and the fact that I haven't been able to maintain most other relationships. Family doesn't count because they basically are there no matter what in most cases. But when I honestly look at my relationships, they have usually ended in some way or simply fizzled out due to inactivity, I guess. I think a lot of this comes from the fact that I also haven't had a very good relationship with Christ. Of course I have come a long way in the past year. Now I am at least attempting to get things right, but I know I am still failing.
I have never been very good with prayer. I do pray daily, but sometimes it's just the same old thing and I haven't been too good at listening. It seems I am always distracted by something. Yes, I am supposed to find a quiet place, plan some time to spend in prayer, read the Bible. I know all this, but it just doesn't happen. I have heard Him in my heart before. When I was struggling to keep my last relationship with Marty alive, I felt like God was saying "Why can't you love me like that?" And it stung, because it's true. I spent so much effort an energy on trying to keep that relationship alive that everything else, including God was on the backburner. And I knew that I had to let go of my relationship with Marty. That is one of the reasons why I finally caved and decided to take the plunge in attending Mass. At first I thought I should start going to church to help ease the pain of Marty going to Alaska. Shortly thereafter is when we broke up. Then I went to Mass just because I knew it was right. I knew I had to fix my relationship with Christ before I should even attempt another relationship. I am finally getting to a place where I know the timing isn't right and I have to stop looking for love in all the wrong places. But it's still difficult. I don't think I am meant to end up alone, and I certainly don't want to be that way, but I do need to come to a peace within myself that it will be o.k. if I am.
I was hoping that at the retreat I went to last Saturday that I'd be able to get some soul searching done and spend some time with Christ and just figure things out. We spent a lot of time talking and sharing so it didn't happen. We did spend some time in adoration but I guess it wasn't enough to really pray and contemplate. The retreat was still very nice, but it didn't accomplish what I had hoped. Perhaps I will just go on my own kind of retreat and get away from all the distractions. Just as all relationships take work, I know I am going to have to do my part. At least unlike most relationships, I know that Christ will always be there with open arms and will forgive me when I fail.

Confirmation

It's going to be here in no time. I cannot believe how fast everything has been going. I have truly enjoyed this journey and am greatly looking forward to Easter Vigil. This weekend we had a retreat on Saturday that was very nice. Two sisters from a local religious institute came and spoke about the treasures of the Church. Although I didn't learn anything new, it was nice to just have the fellowship with them. We also prayed the divine mercy chaplet which was new for me. On Sunday I had the Rite of Continuing Conversion which was a very nice ceremony. Normally our Bishop performs the service, but he was out of town. The priest that did it made it very personal by sharing a bit of personal information about each person and then blessing each one of us individually. It was a nice experience. I continue to be amazed at how this journey has had an impact on my life. I know that I am still growing in the faith and in Christ, but it has been absolutely amazing for me.
Today I worked on creating my confirmation announcement. Some may think it silly that I want to send one to my friends and family given the fact that I am an adult, but for me it's a way to make it clear how important this is for me. They know that I am doing this and I haven't received any resistance in my choice (other than my Baptist friend) but I also haven't gotten a great deal of support other than a "That's nice." I'm not sure they are aware how big a deal this is for me. This is something that is more important than my wedding vows were. So the artist in me decided to do some playing in photoshop and I created an announcement card that I like. You can check it out on my website here.

Comtemplating Lent

The season of Lent is coming fast. Next week is Ash Wednesday. As I have been doing a little reading on this period I have decided that there are many thoughts to ponder. Here are a few phrases that have made me stop to think.

Lent is a season of soul-searching and repentance. It is a season for reflection and taking stock.

Last year, I did not understand the true significance of Lent. I thought it was just about giving up something important so that we reflect more on Christ. Which is to a degree true, but it is and should be so much more. It should involve deep soul searching and not focusing only on denying ourselves something, but committing ourselves more in our faith with prayer.

"Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent. It is a somber day of reflection on what needs to change in our lives if we are to be fully Christians."

One of the big fears I had in coming back into what I generally called "religion" was the change that I felt I would have to make in myself to be able to call myself a Christian. What I found, though, was that I didn't have to change. A change happened in me, but it wasn't because of anything that I did. There was so much more at work and I finally understood that God can work in me and through me and it's not about what I think I can or cannot do. His will be done. Not mine. I continue to state that I am a work in progress. I always will be until I am called home. But at least I am now heading in the right direction.

Lent is a season that reminds us to repent and get our lives centered, our priorities straight, and our hearts clean.

I hope that I will take the time to really do this especially as I come into full communion with the Church. Luckily, I will be able to go through my first confession during this time. Although it is something I both look forward to and dread, I anxiously await the healing that will come from it.

I still am giving thought to what I intend to give up during this season. Although I have some ideas, I am also planning to incorporate more prayer and time with God as well. I am still amazed at how fast this journey has been. I am in awe of the changes in me and I am so very thankful for the many blessings.