Thursday, March 16, 2006


I tend to think I am not very good at relationships in general. It's more than just my failed marriage and the fact that I haven't been able to maintain most other relationships. Family doesn't count because they basically are there no matter what in most cases. But when I honestly look at my relationships, they have usually ended in some way or simply fizzled out due to inactivity, I guess. I think a lot of this comes from the fact that I also haven't had a very good relationship with Christ. Of course I have come a long way in the past year. Now I am at least attempting to get things right, but I know I am still failing.
I have never been very good with prayer. I do pray daily, but sometimes it's just the same old thing and I haven't been too good at listening. It seems I am always distracted by something. Yes, I am supposed to find a quiet place, plan some time to spend in prayer, read the Bible. I know all this, but it just doesn't happen. I have heard Him in my heart before. When I was struggling to keep my last relationship with Marty alive, I felt like God was saying "Why can't you love me like that?" And it stung, because it's true. I spent so much effort an energy on trying to keep that relationship alive that everything else, including God was on the backburner. And I knew that I had to let go of my relationship with Marty. That is one of the reasons why I finally caved and decided to take the plunge in attending Mass. At first I thought I should start going to church to help ease the pain of Marty going to Alaska. Shortly thereafter is when we broke up. Then I went to Mass just because I knew it was right. I knew I had to fix my relationship with Christ before I should even attempt another relationship. I am finally getting to a place where I know the timing isn't right and I have to stop looking for love in all the wrong places. But it's still difficult. I don't think I am meant to end up alone, and I certainly don't want to be that way, but I do need to come to a peace within myself that it will be o.k. if I am.
I was hoping that at the retreat I went to last Saturday that I'd be able to get some soul searching done and spend some time with Christ and just figure things out. We spent a lot of time talking and sharing so it didn't happen. We did spend some time in adoration but I guess it wasn't enough to really pray and contemplate. The retreat was still very nice, but it didn't accomplish what I had hoped. Perhaps I will just go on my own kind of retreat and get away from all the distractions. Just as all relationships take work, I know I am going to have to do my part. At least unlike most relationships, I know that Christ will always be there with open arms and will forgive me when I fail.

No comments: