Wednesday, April 06, 2005
A Daunting Task
As if I don't have enough things to pile on my plate. I got the packet from the Amarillo diocese to have my marriage declared null by the Catholic Church. In addition to the 18 pages of questions that need to be filled out, I have to supply my marriage certificate, divorce decree, baptism certificate, and it will cost $450.
It's a lot of stuff to drum up from my past. But I think it will be worth it. It will allow me to start with a clean slate. And then if/when I do become Catholic, I will be free to marry in the Church. That may or may not be Marty. I do hope it is, but I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing it for myself.
So I have to find witnesses to help validate the fact that my marriage should not be considered valid. I asked my friend Robin via email if she would consider being a witness for me. Even though we haven't talked in the last few years, she was there as my matron of honor and she got me through some tough times during the marriage.
I also need to tell Richard about doing this. I'm not sure I can handle telling him over the phone. I seem to bumble words when I don't get the chance to think about what I'm saying beforehand. (Like I did with Marty on the phone last night) So I think I'll write him a letter.
Monday, April 11, 2005
I'm going to be o.k.
Just a note for my dear friends and fellow bloggers that have been worried about me. I'm doing fine. I finally got a good night's sleep last night. (With the help of two tylenol p.m.'s) I'm moving on to acceptance.
I've had friends tell me to NOT drive down to Austin. It will only cause me more pain and he's not worth it.
It will be painful. But it's something I have to do for me. Not for him. I have to let him go. And I have to do it in person. If I don't, it will always feel like unfinished business and that will be more painful in the long run.
Granted my original plan in going down there was to fight for him. To find out the why's. To say or do what I needed to keep him. But I realize he is not mine to keep. I'm not in his heart. And as much as I would like to be there, I can't make him let me in.
I'm putting myself in God's hands and He has taken care of me. To hear that come out of my mouth is quite a shock for me even. But it's true. I'm growing up and I'm growing by the grace of God.
The tears still come every once in a while. But they need to.
And there will be no anger. Because even though perhaps he should have treated me better, or been more honest and all of that, he had a great impact on my life. And I have no regret in having him be a part of it.
I made a gift for his mother that I'm taking with me. I had planned on this even before I knew we weren't going to be together. I wanted to thank her for all her hospitality and treating me like part of their family. It's a shadow box that has a background of flowers, a cross with beads, ribbon and a sentiment that I printed on vellum paper. It reads:
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
The awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beatiful to gaze upon.
The stay in our lives for a while,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never the same.
That is how I feel about them and especially Marty.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Weirdness
I think I only cried twice yesterday. Oh wait... only twice over Marty maybe. But I did cry quite a bit, but it's because I finally watched The Passion of the Christ. And that's all I'll say. It did move me and have an effect, but it's not something I can put into words at the moment.
But I didn't cry at all today. Even when I made a parting gift for Marty. I'm doing better than I thought I'd ever imagine. And I don't think it's because I didn't really love him. I know I did. But I think there's a bigger hand in all of this. And for that I am truly thankful.
And I also found out good news on the annulment proceedings. After I spent the time filling out the numerous pages of paperwork and grilling questions, I found out I don't really have to do all that. Because Richard was married before, all I have to do is find his records of his first two marriages and divorces and prove that at least one of his ex-wives is alive and I'll have my marriage annulled without all the rigamarole. Basically this is because the Church sees that he was still married to his first wife and therefore, not eligible to be married to me. Whew!
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Somewhat productive
Oh, the other news today is that I heard back from my friend from high school who is a Baptist minister. O.k. a little background first... This guy I was in love with for many years. O.k. perhaps it was just a very major crush, but I was smitten for a long while. We never officially dated, but became very good friends. I got into church for a while back in college but never felt truly comfortable there and always seemed to question things. So, needless to say, I didn't go for a long while. But I know he's continued to pray for me throughout the years. Well, I asked him about a week and a half ago about my Baptism (he Baptized me back in college) and he responded mentioning that it seems that I was perhaps thinking about things again. I replied and told him of my plans to convert to Catholicism. And what I got as a response what expected. He indicated his concern for me considering this move and wanted me to really think it through. And he tried to keep it nice, but I knew that would concern him. And given his background, it's understandable, but I simply have to respectfully disagree with him. I did explain that I've given this a lot of thought and have done research. I'm still working on my reply to him, but it will be interesting to see how this develops. It's amazing that my statement indicating something like this has gotten more out of him than in the last 7 years or so that he's been in California. I guess things were a lot easier when I was just a wretched sinner.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
My first rosary. I made it myself. Haven't prayed it yet, but I was pleased with how it turned out. The picture doesn't do it justice. The blue beads are much darker and prettier. 
Sunday, April 24, 2005
A Great Homily
I went to Mass today. It was good to be back after missing last week. I'm starting to get the hang of things and can almost participate in all of it. There's a few things I still need to memorize, like the Nicene Creed, but I'm not doing too bad so far.
I really enoyed the homily today. Father said that he had just read the book 7 Habits for Highly Effective people and said that many of those are similar to being an effective Christian. Father gave us his list of 7 Habits for Highly Effective Christians. I wanted to share them with you.
1. Prayer - One cannot have a relationship with God without this. It should be done daily.
2. Faith - A gift from the Holy Spirit.
3. Forgiveness - One must be able to forgive to be able to love. This even when the one you are forgiving doesn't change or show remorse.
4. Conversion - We must change in ourselves to serve Christ. We must be open to change in ourselves.
5. Charity - We must show charity to one another.
6. Patience - Our timing and God's may be two different things and we need to have patience in all matters of life.
7. Simplicity - Keep your life simple and not cloud it with so many things that God is placed on the backburner.
I thought it was a very good list and I took it to heart today. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm going to be working on this list.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Feeling More Catholic
I went to the library today and got a couple more books on Catholicism. I just finished reading Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic by David B. Currie. That book really helped me to understand the basic differences between Evangelical beliefs and Catholic beliefs. I'm still finding that the Catholic Church simply makes more sense to me and is more logical than anything else. I'm not dissing those that belong to a protestant denomination. I just happen to think that some of the protestant beliefs are flawed. Much in the same way many Protestants believe that Catholic doctrine is flawed.
I don't plan to debate any issues here, I'm just stating that my turn to Catholicism is not because of a simple whim. I'm truly learning what the faith is and am growing because of it.
I had lunch with my son today and we discussed some religious beliefs and because of what I've read, I feel that I was able to answer his questions. I am by no means an expert and I have a lot to learn, but I think I'm on the right track perhaps for the first time in my life.
So what does all this mean? I'm changing. For the better, certainly. But it's still kind of scary. I wonder if I can do it sometimes and then I start thinking that the only way that I can is with the help of God. For someone that hasn't been a trusting person for many, many years, it's difficult to do. And as challenges come, I hope that God gives me the strength to endure. But I've found that since I've been going to Mass weekly, praying daily, and engrossing myself in learning, I feel more at peace.
I've always been a believer in that God has been looking out for me. Maybe it's also my guardian angel, but too many things have happened in my life for me to think otherwise. I think everything happens for a reason, and the people that come into our lives are there for some purpose as well.
If I hadn't gotten pregnant with Josh in college, I might never have finished. It was because of Josh that I received grants and scholarships and college was paid for. When I needed a place to live on a very small budget, I found a house for rent for $75 a month. When I needed a refrigerator that was under 5 ft., we happened upon one in a driveway that wasn't for sale, but the guy decided to sell it anyways. When I've needed money because things have come up, I'd suddenly get a child support check or a tax refund. When I lost my house to foreclosure after separating, I was able to move into my parent’s house after my mother passed away. And because I met Marty, I am taking this religious journey. There's no doubt about it. I'm sure that it's all in God's plan. That's why I don't regret having him in my life. I'm sad to lose him, but I accept that it wasn't meant to be. But I'm thankful for the purpose it served. I still love him and always will in some way.
I'm still open to loving again. I wasn't sure for a while. But I think when it's right I'll be able to give my heart away again. I'm figuring out what I want. Now, what I want may not be what I get, but I know the things I'm not going to settle on. Marty was close, but by no means perfect. I know that perfection doesn't exist and one has to compromise. The thing is one shouldn't really settle on important issues.
I hope I find it again. Because loving someone is one of the greatest things you can do.
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