Monday, November 07, 2005

My how things have changed

I am amazed at how much has changed for me since I started going to Mass regularly. A little over a year ago I bought my first book on Catholicism. In October, a year ago I visited Marty in Connecticut and began realizing that things weren't as rosy as I'd thought in our relationship. Almost exactly a year ago I realized even more that things were not going as well as I thought when Marty didn't do anything for my birthday. He did remember, but no card, no flowers. He made up for it later, but it was disconcerting at the time. As he started to pull away from me and as I tried to fight even harder for him, I realize now that he had served his purpose in my life by igniting that spark in me. And he doesn't even realize that he did that or the impact it has had on my life. I now realize that God used him in such a way that I almost didn't even see it coming. When I contacted the local church in February, I still had not committed to becoming Catholic at all. Even after I started going to mass, I still wasn't certain, but felt drawn to it. As my sponsor would introduce me to people at church and tell them that I was going to go through RCIA, I still didn't know. But it seems that shortly after Marty and I broke up and I got through the hurt, I realized that the uncertainty faded. Don't think my decision to become Catholic is because of a rebound situation from Marty. It is absolutely not. It just made things more clear and I saw the role he played. And the more I attended mass, the more certain I became. I finally felt at home. I knew it was right. And there's nothing I want to do more right now and that includes riding rollercoasters. (Though it's a close second.... lol.)
So I came from a year ago questioning whether or not I could let God in my life, if I could be burdened by having to go to church, and if I could make such a commitment again after failing at it so many years before. But you know, I always had the thought that when God was ready for me, and when He knew that I was ready, He would let me know. And He did. It wasn't a single ah-ha moment, but He seemed to take me gently by the hand and lead me home. And I am so blessed that He is in my life. Not that he wasn't ever there, mind you, but I'm at least taking part in the relationship now. And that burden of having to go to Church? It is truly a blessing now. I can see why not going to Mass is a mortal sin. Because the more I go, the closer I feel to God and the more blessed and peaceful I feel. I honestly can't wait to receive the Eucharist because that will be a whole new level of blessing I can't even fathom right now. I have begun to realize that sometimes our timing might not be God's timing and our plans may not be his. But He does have a plan and He steps in when needed. And I thank Him for that.

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