Still Joyous

I went to the 11:15 Mass today. I decided to sleep in since I spent 6 hours on yellow dog (school bus) yesterday. While in Church today, I kept thinking about my previous post and the people that think Mass is too long. Normal Sunday Masses in our parish run about an hour and fifteen minutes. Is that really so long? I know many people can't see the joy in a Mass where it's the same thing over and over but I still think it's because they don't understand the sacraments and the work that they do in our lives. I couldn't help but sit and smile in the pew. I love being Catholic. I love being able to tell someone "I am Catholic."
While I was at the tournament this weekend I was talking to some other coaches about flowers and I mentioned that my sister had just sent me some. When asked why, I told them it was to congratulate me on my confirmation in the Catholic Church. Another coach wanted to ask me something kind of personal she said. She wanted to know if I had a problem with the concept of confession. I told her that although it was kind of hard to do, I didn't have a problem with it. I can understand why other people have issues with it, but I know first hand the power and peace of it. She told me that she no longer went to the Catholic Church, but had been Methodist for many years. She said this past year at Easter that she very much wanted to go to confession for some reason. She said that she is now thinking about going back. I told her that she would love it if she did and that she should just go to Mass some time. While there, the secretary of the church (our tournament was held at a Methodist church) said that she couldn't help overhear and commented that she was Catholic and attended another church in town. We then talked about some other things about retreats and such. It is so nice to have these conversations just pop up. I still have yet to get into a discussion with anyone that has had a major problem with Catholicism. I've discovered that many people tend to be curious about it. It has been quite refreshing. And you know what? I've really had a desire to go back to confession. I haven't committed any mortal sins, but I think it would be nice to really get the venial sins out and to continue to get comfortable with the process itself.

Wisdom of a 15 year old

My son isn't into church. It is my fault really. I didn't raise him any church because of my own issues with religion. He now considers himself agnostic. He doesn't necessarily deny the existence of God, but he isn't certain of it either. The thing about him is that he is very much like me in that things must be proven to him. He relies on logic and reasoning. Fortunately, I have always had a belief in God, I just put Him on the shelf for a number of years. Although he isn't "religious", we have had some interesting discussions and I am not sure that he will stay that way. I think something profound may have to occur before he can see God's work, but I have hope and I pray for him daily. Last year he surprised me by asking if he could go to church with me some time. His father's funeral seemed to have an impact on him and I believe he is at least curious and perhaps searching to some degree. He decided he would like to visit a variety of churches and just see how they are. He has since visited Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, and Episcopalian churches. I have never pushed him about going, but thankfully his piano teacher (who happens to be the choir director at my church) has been getting him involved in playing his clarinet. I think I have influenced him to some degree because I have answered his questions about what the Catholic faith teaches compared to other religions. He tends to agree with my viewpoint and he has commented about Catholic and Episcopal services being more reverent and holy.
He asked me the other day if people ever complained about the length of their church services. I said that sure, some do. I said that is probably why several people didn't show up to the Easter Vigil service. He said that some girls had been complaining about it being so long. Sure, it was a little over two hours, but it didn't seem like it to me at all. It was so beautiful and special. Josh then said, "Isn't going to church about worshipping God?" I replied, "Yes." He then continued, "So why should people complain about the length of their service?" I told him I didn't know. And when you think about it, it really is a good point. I think that if you're worried about how long the service is, then you're not fully participating in it. It becomes rote. It becomes a resentful obligation in some cases. And I find that sad. Is God asking too much that we give our Sundays to Him? I used to worry about whether or not I could make the commitment of giving up my Sundays for Church. I enjoyed my free time on weekends and I didn't know if I could make myself go every week. But as I started going, it has never felt like an obligation. I want to go. I feel off if I don't get to go for some reason. So now I look back and laugh because that was my only major stumbling block about coming into the Catholic Church. It now is such an insignificant thing. Josh may not be involved in religion, but he seems to get it.

First Mass Away from Home

O.k. it's really less than a mile from my home Church, but since I wasn't able to attend Mass this morning, I went to the Catholic Student Center on campus. It was a little different, but interesting. Father Scott has a LOT of energy. I think he is a good person to be in place at the student center because of that. There were 3 Baptisms and a confirmation tonight. I was very happy for those coming into the Church.
I have some other posts I am pondering, but am just too tired to work on them right now. I have the day off tomorrow so I might post then.

Does it show?

I have been wearing my crucifix for over a year now. Nobody in the past year has asked me about being Catholic. Perhaps it has just been assumed. But I was in a craft store today and a girl that was working the register asked me if I was Catholic. I told her yes, that I actually just came into the Church. She said she had been thinking about being Catholic and wanted to know where I attended Church. She said the only people she knew that were Catholics were Hispanic and went to Mass in Spanish. I told her that I attended St. Ann's in Canyon and it was wonderful, but if she lived in Amarillo she might try St. Thomas. She said that she lived in Canyon. I then told her that St. Ann's was wonderful and she should visit. I didn't have much time as there was someone in line behind me but told her that they also had a website. I now wished I had gotten her name. I may have to go back there and give her a more personal invitation. I don't know her personally, but I love the fact that a total stranger asked me about being Catholic. Maybe it now shows on my face, but it is certainly in my heart.

I have been watching the show on A&E called "God or the Girl" and am moved by the stories of the men that are discerning the priesthood. I think that they have actually done a very good job with the show and have kept it very tasteful. Something that one of the guys said on the show moved me tonight. He said "sometimes God is a whisper rather than a phone call or a gust of wind." That has been my life in the past year. I still wasn't certain of my choice a year ago, but that gentle calling and soft nudges led me to know His will for me at this time. I am sure that He has other great things planned for me and I pray that I am able to do whatever He asks.

More on the sacrifice of the Mass

Jimmy Akin is a great Catholic apologist that really spells out much better than I an explanation of what the Mass is in regard to it being a re-presentation of Christ's sacrifice. You can read it here.

I am Home

It was a wonderful evening. I can't begin to describe the happiness and joy I feel at this moment. It was wonderful from beginning to end. It was made even more special by the fact that Josh played his clarinet this evening. I also had some friends there. My friend, Kenneth, who is also Catholic came to support me. I was so happy to see him. He said he was going to go to confession so that he could participate in the Eucharist. And he did. And then my friends Patrick and Tiffany were there as well. I was so glad that they were able to come. It really meant a lot to me to have them there. My family was not able to make it. My brother had other plans and my dad and his girlfriend were sick. But I had the support of some friends and my new family of the Church.

If someone told me two years ago that some day I would be Catholic, I probably would have just laughed at them and said, "Yeah, right." I am in a completely different place, but it is where I am supposed to be. I absolutely LOVE the faith. I love everything about it. There seems to be a kind of special bond with Catholics... it's like something we just know. Even those that perhaps haven't practiced their faith in a while, there is just something about people that have been or are part of the Catholic Church. And I believe it is because of the grace received in the sacraments. Tiffany asked me tonight if I felt different and I said yes. It is not something I can really describe other than just knowing that I have come home.

My Cup Runneth Over

I can't believe the show of support I have had as I take my final steps into the Catholic faith. I sent out announcements to family and friends. I didn't expect them to shower me with gifts or anything; I just wanted them to know what an important step this is for me. But many have been very generous. My aunt sent me fifty dollars and a beautiful wooden crucifix. Then there is the other aunt that sent me a rose scented rosary along with a wonderful letter and card. My friend Norma (Marty's sister-in-law) gave me a box that holds photos and two rosaries made out of rope that are quite unique. I received a card from my former mother-in-law with a note that said she wasn't sure if she would make it, but hoped to be there. My sister sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers today. I am in awe of the outpouring of support I have received.

I wasn't sure what the reactions of people would be when the learned of my decision to join the Church. I didn't make a big deal out of it, but I casually let people know. Almost everyone that learned of my decision told me how wonderful they thought it was and congratulated me. My online friend Summer just sent me an email letting me know she was thinking of me. I didn't think my dad was going to come tonight because he said he would probably be gone camping, but he called last night and asked what time it started. I think my brother may be there and I have a couple of other friends that said they would come. I only received dissent from one person, my friend Bret, but that was expected. And truth be told, he has probably helped me grow the most in the faith aside from my sponsor.

Well, it is just a few hours away and I am still quite excited. I have to say that this is the best decision I have ever made. I know that not everyone can share or understand a religious zeal, but once you really experience God's grace, you can't help but be joyous.

Moving along

I have to say that things are moving so very fast and a part of me wants it to slow down a little so I can really savor it. Tomorrow is already Holy Thursday. Josh will be playing the clarinet and I will be singing in the choir.
Today I got a package in the mail. Unexpected packages are always exciting! My aunt that lives in Indiana (who I recently found out is also Catholic) sent me a rosary that smells like roses. It is very beautiful. She also sent me a card and a wonderful letter that I am definitely going to respond to when things slow down.
I have to send out a special thanks to my good friend Bret. (The Baptist preacher) I love him to death. He and I have been friends for over 20 years now. He has gotten me through some rough times and I know he has prayed for me for many, many years now. Sure, we disagree in our respective beliefs, but we have never been ugly about it. I have to thank him for the fact that he has helped me grow even more strongly in my faith. It's probably not something he would like to hear me say, but as he has questioned things and shared his concerns, it has made me really learn what the Catholic faith teaches and believes. It's not so much a defense of Catholicism as it is understanding and perhaps just setting the record straight so to speak. I check his blog daily and oftentimes it will inspire something that leads to a post on here, perhaps a quick prayer or just some personal research. The other day he linked to another blog that had a comment about praying to the saints. I won't get involved in a response about that right now (but it is good blog fodder), but it just makes me shake my head a little and pray for those that don't "get it." Sure, I think that several things that the Baptists believe in are wrong, but I think that Bret is a very fine preacher and he is very sincere and devout.
Sometimes I wished that things had "sunk in" for me back when I did attend church, because now I am finally "getting it." I am understanding what a true conversion of the soul is. I understand how people can really change. It's not just going through the motions for me. It is really a change in my thoughts, my actions, my heart and my soul. Though I didn't have a grand "Come to Jesus" moment, I have finally allowed myself to really come to Jesus.

Bible Reading

I am still working my way through the Bible. I have now finished the first books (Genesis & Exodus) and am getting into Leviticus. Right now it's not very exciting as it is going on about laws and the proper way to sacrifice and sin offerings etc. I am certainly glad that Christ came as the final offering and we no longer have to offer a goat or something for our sins. Otherwise my first confession would have been quite a bloody mess! Ha-ha! It is a bit gory to read about all the things that they had to do back then. But I am still enjoying it because you can still see a lot of what goes on in the mass in the descriptions from the clothing that the priests wear and in the annointings etc. It just reminds me of how excited I am about receiving the sacrament of confirmation in a few short days.

Ever since my confession, I feel that I am in a better place in relation to God. And it's really quite simple. When we have sin in our lives we are not in God's grace. It's like talking to Him with a bad connection. But when we are cleansed through reconciliation it's like the line just clears up and He is hearing us loud and clear. Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am for the Catholic Church? It is just amazing what this journey has done for me. I am in awe of the peace, the forgiveness, and the joy that I have experienced. And the thing is.. it is only going to get better. I am still lacking in the fact that I have not been sealed by the Holy Spirit. I can't imagine what things await after Easter Vigil! God is Great!

The Lord's Supper

If you have read this blog for a while (all 3 of you) then you know that I have intermittently have had a dialogue about my choice to become Catholic with a good friend of mine that is a Baptist preacher in California. He has had his concerns and I appreciate the fact that he is worried about my soul. I know, however, that I am in the right place and it is not a decision I entered into lightly at all. I believe in all the things the Church teaches and grown so much as I have taken this journey.

Last night when I got home I checked all the blogs I usually read and found that my Baptist friend had moved his to a new location. I checked it out and found his link for his sermons that can be listened to online. He had a sermon that was titled "Proper Etiquette at the Lord's Table" that I thought sounded interesting. So I listened to it. All 44 minutes. It brought back a lot of memories of sitting in his church when he lived here. He has the same voice and same style. I think it's interesting that a Baptist congregation is participating in a semblance of the Lord's Supper, but am dismayed by the fact that it is greatly misinterpreted. He made a little bit of dig in his sermon regarding what he thinks the Catholic view of communion is. I truly wish that people who chastize the Church because of our beliefs would at least learn what we really believe rather than depend on misinformation that comes from non-Catholic sources. If you want to really know and understand, then ask a Catholic.

He claimed that Catholics believe that the Lords Supper is an act of re-crucifying Christ and that it confers salvation. So I would like to set the record straight as to what the Eucharist is.

First of all it is a sacrament. Sacraments are not merely symbols as many protestants may believe. By definition they "are outward signs of inward grace, instituted by Christ for our sanctification." That means it is really something that is given by God especially the Eucharist because it IS Christ Himself. Grace is conferred by the sacraments. Grace is what helps us to act and live like Christians. So, yes, he is right in that it plays a part in our salvation. But it's not the only thing that saves us. It is just something that helps us on our path to salvation.

• Just as food and drink delight and refresh the heart of man, so does this "Heavenly Bread containing within itself all sweetness" produce in the soul of the devout communicant ineffable bliss, which, however, is not to be confounded with an emotional joy of the soul or with sensible sweetness. Although both may occur as the result of a special grace, its true nature is manifested in a certain cheerful and willing fervor in all that regards Christ and His Church, and in the conscious fulfillment of the duties of one's state of life, a disposition of soul which is perfectly compatible with interior desolation and spiritual dryness. A good Communion is recognized less in the transitory sweetness of the emotions than in its lasting practical effects on the conduct of our daily lives. New Advent
  

The Mass is NOT re-crucifying Christ. He can only die on the cross once for us. The Mass is a re-presentation of the sacrifice that has already happened. Christ becomes present in the bread and wine... he doesn't die again. Participating by taking the Eucharist unites us with Christ and allows us to share in His saving act.

In his sermon, Bret made some good points about not participating in the Lord's Supper in an unworthy manner as it is indicated in I Corinthians. If anything, most Catholics that are strong in their faith take this very seriously. One cannot receive communion if they are not in a state of grace. Having committed any mortal sins without reconciliation is a big no-no when it comes to receiving the body and blood of Christ.

Although I know protestants disagree with the concept of the real presence of Christ, I want to make the point that when Paul speaks about proper way to approach the Lord's supper in Corinthians, he was talking to people that were really the first Catholics that did believe in it and have believed it for over 2000 years.

In less than a week now I will be able to participate in my first communion. I am glad that I am in this community of faith that knows and understands the Eucharist.

Healed

I am sitting here crying. I think these are tears of joy in knowing that my sins are forgiven, tears of remorse for all the ways I have failed God, and simply tears of relief to have it over with.
It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had my list, I went through it rather quickly it seemed. Father talked to me about God's grace and how it is amazing that I was even there. I can say that I am walking, breathing, living proof of the incredible power of God. Just when I thought I could live life on my own terms and I didn't need God, He gently takes my hand and starts leading me home. And I am home. In a little over a week, I will be confirmed in the Church and will be able to experience the grace of the Eucharist, but in my heart I am already Catholic. In this moment I feel such an incredible holiness. For the first time since my Baptism I am completely in God's grace. A huge weight has been lifted from my soul. I truly want to serve God, I want Him to use me for His purpose. Now it's time to really get to work!

Still Nervous

I am not sure that I am ready for my confession this evening. Part of me thinks I should have scheduled a specific private time with the priest. But then again, I really just want to get it over with. I know that it will be wonderful once it's all done... it's just getting to that point. I spent about an hour in prayer last night asking God to let me know all the things that I need to confess. Somehow I still feel that I haven't covered everything. I also know the things I will be telling the priest is nothing he hasn't heard before. It's just one of those things that I can certainly know that I will feel better afterwards, and know that I am not be judged by the priest, and know that it probably not going to be as bad as it seems, but it doesn't really make it easier. I am worried that my confession won't be complete. I am worried that I will take too much time. I am worried thatI am not feeling repentent enough. I do feel bad about my sins, and I know that they have separated me from God, and I am earnestly making an attempt to not sin any more, but somehow I feel it's still not enough. I can say, however, that since I have been going to mass, the urge to sin has greatly decreased. Lately, I am mostly guilty of venial sins. I just pray that things go well tonight. I pray that it will not be as bad as I expect it to be. I pray that I stop fretting over it so much. And I pray that God gives me the courage, wisdom and the words to make a truly complete confession.

Confession

My first is coming up really soon. Tomorrow night in fact. I think I should have spent more time reflecting over my past sins than I have, but I am just overwhelmed with so many other things. I am, however, taking time tonight to get away and spend it in prayer and reflection. I do want to make a good, thorough confession. I am not sure if I feel nervous or if it's just the fact that I'm going to have to bear it all to another person. I know that priests have heard it all before and I know that it will be a great relief when it's over.... it's just everything leading up to it, you know? I have 27 years to cover. I know I can't possibly remember everything so I am going to sum it up the best that I can.
I was talking to my ex-husband last night and remarked on the fact that a great deal of the really big stuff was in the years that we were together. Things I am not proud of. Things that I thought I would have a hard time letting go. But you know what? I finally realize that I can truly do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Go figure.
Tonight I am going to make a list of those things I can remember and take my "cheat sheet" with me tomorrow. I am not sure what my penance might be, but I am actually, almost, sort of.. looking forward to it. It's the whole cleansing and letting go of things. It is truly healing. I am ready for my soul to be healed and be in God's grace once again.

Finished Genesis

I have been reading every night before falling asleep. I find that some nights I am so engrossed that I read for 30 minutes or more. I really enjoyed the story about Joseph. Yes, I knew some of the basics like he had a coat of many colors and his brothers threw him in a well... and I had seen Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (great show by the way). But I never read the entire story. I have discovered that God seems to be very forgiving. There is a great deal of promiscuity, incest, lying, cheating and stealing; and yet God continues to bless many of those people. Since I will be going to my first confession soon, it is a relief to know that God is so forgiving.
I mailed my confirmation announcements this morning. I am thinking of going on my own personal retreat next weekend so I can spend some time in prayer and reflection. I just need some time away from home without distractions. There's always something going on. The t.v., the animals, Josh... I cannot take a private moment it seems. I didn't get to go to adoration this past Friday because I was at a speech tournament, but I hope to go this week.
Last night I was asked to be an attendant at a marriage blessing. Marty's sister-in-law (married to his brother) converted last year and finally got an annulment. Her husband's just went through as well (his was easy, he was Catholic and didn't marry within the Church). They are now planning on having their marriage blessed by a priest. I hope that perhaps her husband will consider coming back to Church at some point. He's like Marty and stopped going back in high school. I continue to pray for Marty and hope that he finds his way home one of these days.

I am fascinated

I really have been reading the Bible and it's really interesting. Those stories that I vaguely knew are coming to life and some things are making sense. And other things still aren't making sense, but perhaps will put that into another post. I am up to about Genesis 26 or so.
I have two students that are performing a duo that is basically a farce of the Bible. Sure, it is a bit offensive, but it is also quite funny if you look at it in fun. Some of the things they perform in it actually are funnier and make sense because I've been reading, like the scene involving the Tower of Babel. They do the scene twice... once in English and again in Spanish and now I finally get the joke.
I don't have anything else to report today... just wanted to give you a quick update on my progress.

The Bible

I've been thinking about the Bible lately. Yes, my experience the other night was quite interesting, but it's not the first time it's happened. It may be the first time, however, that I am listening to God and really making an attempt to follow His will. I took some action related to the experience which was posted in my other blog. I'm not going to go into any more details about it here, but it was a relief to let go those things.
Some denominations claim that the Bible is the only authority. They feel that all of God's instructions are in there and it is all we need for living a Christian life. I feel the Bible is indeed a great tool for living as God wants us to and is inerrant, but I am not in agreement with the concept of "sola scriptura." But that is not what this post is about either. I won't get into those reasons against it in this post. (Perhaps another time.)
I have realized that although I have had some education in the teachings of the Bible through going to church intermittently, I truly do not know it as well as I should. When I was in third grade, however, I did participate in a Bible drill contest that was pretty fun. I know some of the basic stories that most people do like Noah and the Ark, Jonah and the Whale, Psalm 23, stories of Christ and His parables like the Good Samaritan, and I can still quote a few verses here and there. But I have never completely read the Bible. I have not spent a lot of time studying it. I did briefly and have some copious notes in some of my other Bibles when I was attending church back in college, but most of it has now become pretty foggy. But since I have been going to Mass, I have heard much more of the Bible because of the readings each week. I have also enjoyed the adult faith formation class I have been attending as we have learned about the books of Luke and now John. But now I feel it is time for me to know more. Last night I decided that I am going to read the entire Bible. I know there are plans out there that take you through it in a year. I hope to finish it before then. Last night I began at the beginning with Genesis. I am not going to go into a great deal of analysis and study at this point. I simply want to read it like it was a novel and then later I can study various parts of it. Last night I was really captivated by it. I think for the first time, I will find pleasure in reading it. I didn't read long, but still managed to get to the point where Noah and his family was repopulating the earth after the flood. I am a little lost on some things and will research more at some point, but my goal right now is to read some of the Bible every night. Even if it is only a single chapter or a couple of verses.

God Speaks

Sometimes He uses subtle messages to prod us in the right direction. But sometimes when we ask for His guidance, He directly points something out to us. Last night as I was sitting in bed and reading my daily inspiration and daily meditation, I asked God that if there was something I really needed to know, please point it out to me. So I then go to my Bible and randomly open it. The first thing I read was 1 Corinthians 12:1-3 which reads

• Now in regard to spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be unaware. You know how, when you were pagans, you were constantly attracted and led away to mute idols. Therefore I tell you that nobody speaking by the spirit of God says, "Jesus be accursed." And no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the holy Spirit.

I thought that was interesting so I randomly opened it again. This time Ephesians 5:5 is what struck me.

• Be sure of this, that on immoral or impure or greedy person, that is, an idolator, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

So I decided to try it one more time and went for something in the Old Testament. Here is the passage that I read from 1 Kings 11: 4-10

• When Solomon was old his wives had turned his heart to strange gods, and his heart was not entirely with the Lord, his God, as the heart of his father David had been. By adoring Astarte, the goddess of the Sidonians, and Milcom, the idol of the Ammonites, Solomon did evil in the sight of the Lord; he did not follow him unreservedly as his father David had done. Solomon then built a high place to Chemosh, the idol of Moab, and to Molech, the idol of the Ammonites, on the hill opposite Jerusalem. He did the same for all his foreign wives who burned incense and sacrificed to their gods. The Lord, therefore, became angry with Solomon, because his heart was turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice (for though the Lord had forbidden him this very act of following strange gods, Solomon had not obeyed him.)

Do we notice a pattern here? I thought o.k. ; Idols. Idolatry. I think what God is saying is that I am still letting other things come before him. So I contemplate on it a bit, say my prayers and go to sleep.

Then I go to Mass this morning. I get there early so I can spend some time in prayer and reflection. I read the first reading for today which is Exodus 20: 1-17 (The Ten Commandments) Imagine what stood out once again.

• I, the Lord, am your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that place of slavery. You shall not have other gods besides me. You shall not carve idols for yourselves in the shape of anything in the sky above or on earth below or in the waters beneath the earth; you shall not bow down before them worship them.

I'm starting to really get the hint here. And can you possibly guess what Father Phan's homily was about today? I am sure it is no surprise, but he talked about the necessity of God's laws and that by following our own personal laws and standards we are lost. He used the example of the Golden Calf (and idol) and how it represents our human desires to live according to our own rules. He says we may still have a "Golden Calf" in our way when we put other things before God. He said that if you look where your heart is, there is your God.

And I admit that although I am trying to get on the right path with God, I still have other things in my life that I put before Him. And I still struggle with that. Thankfully, Father also mentioned that the remedy for all this is simply Christ. We must continue to live according to the laws of God. Obey the 10 commandments. Have a spirit of the Beattitudes. I know what I need to work on but won't air all of my dirty laundry on here. I will pray for help and guidance in the things I need to do.

The Gospel reading today was about Jesus casting out the money changers in the temple. I enjoyed Father's analogy that Lent is a wonderful season to clean house. Like Christ cleansed the Temple, we can also cleanse our souls of those things we put before God. He closed with a prayer of Trust in God. I will pray this throughout the season of Lent that I might have full faith and trust in Him. This is from Thomas Merton.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Relationships

I tend to think I am not very good at relationships in general. It's more than just my failed marriage and the fact that I haven't been able to maintain most other relationships. Family doesn't count because they basically are there no matter what in most cases. But when I honestly look at my relationships, they have usually ended in some way or simply fizzled out due to inactivity, I guess. I think a lot of this comes from the fact that I also haven't had a very good relationship with Christ. Of course I have come a long way in the past year. Now I am at least attempting to get things right, but I know I am still failing.
I have never been very good with prayer. I do pray daily, but sometimes it's just the same old thing and I haven't been too good at listening. It seems I am always distracted by something. Yes, I am supposed to find a quiet place, plan some time to spend in prayer, read the Bible. I know all this, but it just doesn't happen. I have heard Him in my heart before. When I was struggling to keep my last relationship with Marty alive, I felt like God was saying "Why can't you love me like that?" And it stung, because it's true. I spent so much effort an energy on trying to keep that relationship alive that everything else, including God was on the backburner. And I knew that I had to let go of my relationship with Marty. That is one of the reasons why I finally caved and decided to take the plunge in attending Mass. At first I thought I should start going to church to help ease the pain of Marty going to Alaska. Shortly thereafter is when we broke up. Then I went to Mass just because I knew it was right. I knew I had to fix my relationship with Christ before I should even attempt another relationship. I am finally getting to a place where I know the timing isn't right and I have to stop looking for love in all the wrong places. But it's still difficult. I don't think I am meant to end up alone, and I certainly don't want to be that way, but I do need to come to a peace within myself that it will be o.k. if I am.
I was hoping that at the retreat I went to last Saturday that I'd be able to get some soul searching done and spend some time with Christ and just figure things out. We spent a lot of time talking and sharing so it didn't happen. We did spend some time in adoration but I guess it wasn't enough to really pray and contemplate. The retreat was still very nice, but it didn't accomplish what I had hoped. Perhaps I will just go on my own kind of retreat and get away from all the distractions. Just as all relationships take work, I know I am going to have to do my part. At least unlike most relationships, I know that Christ will always be there with open arms and will forgive me when I fail.

Confirmation

It's going to be here in no time. I cannot believe how fast everything has been going. I have truly enjoyed this journey and am greatly looking forward to Easter Vigil. This weekend we had a retreat on Saturday that was very nice. Two sisters from a local religious institute came and spoke about the treasures of the Church. Although I didn't learn anything new, it was nice to just have the fellowship with them. We also prayed the divine mercy chaplet which was new for me. On Sunday I had the Rite of Continuing Conversion which was a very nice ceremony. Normally our Bishop performs the service, but he was out of town. The priest that did it made it very personal by sharing a bit of personal information about each person and then blessing each one of us individually. It was a nice experience. I continue to be amazed at how this journey has had an impact on my life. I know that I am still growing in the faith and in Christ, but it has been absolutely amazing for me.
Today I worked on creating my confirmation announcement. Some may think it silly that I want to send one to my friends and family given the fact that I am an adult, but for me it's a way to make it clear how important this is for me. They know that I am doing this and I haven't received any resistance in my choice (other than my Baptist friend) but I also haven't gotten a great deal of support other than a "That's nice." I'm not sure they are aware how big a deal this is for me. This is something that is more important than my wedding vows were. So the artist in me decided to do some playing in photoshop and I created an announcement card that I like. You can check it out on my website here.

Comtemplating Lent

The season of Lent is coming fast. Next week is Ash Wednesday. As I have been doing a little reading on this period I have decided that there are many thoughts to ponder. Here are a few phrases that have made me stop to think.

Lent is a season of soul-searching and repentance. It is a season for reflection and taking stock.

Last year, I did not understand the true significance of Lent. I thought it was just about giving up something important so that we reflect more on Christ. Which is to a degree true, but it is and should be so much more. It should involve deep soul searching and not focusing only on denying ourselves something, but committing ourselves more in our faith with prayer.

"Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent. It is a somber day of reflection on what needs to change in our lives if we are to be fully Christians."

One of the big fears I had in coming back into what I generally called "religion" was the change that I felt I would have to make in myself to be able to call myself a Christian. What I found, though, was that I didn't have to change. A change happened in me, but it wasn't because of anything that I did. There was so much more at work and I finally understood that God can work in me and through me and it's not about what I think I can or cannot do. His will be done. Not mine. I continue to state that I am a work in progress. I always will be until I am called home. But at least I am now heading in the right direction.

Lent is a season that reminds us to repent and get our lives centered, our priorities straight, and our hearts clean.

I hope that I will take the time to really do this especially as I come into full communion with the Church. Luckily, I will be able to go through my first confession during this time. Although it is something I both look forward to and dread, I anxiously await the healing that will come from it.

I still am giving thought to what I intend to give up during this season. Although I have some ideas, I am also planning to incorporate more prayer and time with God as well. I am still amazed at how fast this journey has been. I am in awe of the changes in me and I am so very thankful for the many blessings.

Common Conversion Elements

One of the forums that I read daily is the Catholic Online Forum and in particular the Converts and New Catholics thread. The other day the following was posted in regard to a common thread that is noticed in most converts to the faith. My comments are italicized after each point.

1) Few (if any) have started their conversion from some knocking on their doors handing out Catholic tracts or "witnessing".

Absolutely nobody came to me in regard to becoming Catholic or even going to Church. I just found an interest because of knowing Marty and meeting his family.

2) Researching on one's own. Seems as if a LOT of people do at least some research (if not a lot) either before they decide to convert or just after. I think Catholic bookstores must do a thriving business from people pondering entering the Catholic Church.

I did a GREAT deal of research before making the decision to convert. I started reading in Sept. 2004, emailed the local Parish in Feb. 2005 and then called in March. Although I hadn’t decided 100% at the time, it was because of the research I did that led me to that point. It was the experience of attending Mass that led me to know it was right.

3) Individual decision. Seems as if everyone's decision came from themselves and not from an open discussion with others. What I mean, is that each person genuinely reflected and prayed on this decision. And when he or she announces the decision, others are somewhat surprised.

This one is true in every sense of the word. Although I had talked to Marty about it to some degree, it was really all my own decision. And yes, several were surprised, but most seemed pleased at the decision.

4) Reverance and history. Seems many people are drawn towards the reverance of Mass. And they are also amazed at Church history. Also, they "discover" the Catholic Church was indeed established by Christ.

Again, true in every sense. I adored the tradition, the reverence and history. As I have continued to study the faith, it is all the more clear that this is the Church founded by Christ. It also makes the most sense compared to other denominations.

5) The Eucharist. Many seem not to have had so much of a keen desire for the Eucharist until they get closer to their acceptance into the Church.

The Eucharist is something that didn’t mean much to me when I first started attending. But as I have begun to understand the sacraments, it is something that I cannot wait to receive. I am not quite “giddy”, but I am getting excited!

6) Peace. Wow - it really does seem a lot of people feel inner peace.

I can’t even begin to explain the peace I have felt since coming into the Church. It is absolutely amazing. Certainly I still have worries and things to deal with, but everything seems to be so insignificant in the scheme of things. I am finally understanding and trying to follow God’s will for me and it is such a great comfort.

7) Spiritual joy. How can I describe this?

I have found true spiritual joy and I am really surprised by it. I thought of myself as so very lost and almost in a pagan state for so long. I am awed by the fact that I have been so driven in this journey. You would understand better if you knew more about my background, but let me say that it is a pleasant surprise.

8) The fight. Seems many people really struggle with themselves over this decision. And almost always there comes a time when the convert says, "OK, Lord. I'm done fighting with you."

This is the only thing that didn’t ring true for me. I have always had the mindset that when God wanted to build a relationship with me again, then He would let me know. I would have to say it was just a lot of gentle nudges that I didn’t fight, but said more or less…"O.k., I get it. This is what I am supposed to do."

9) A void or a calling. Seems as if many people have felt some sort of void or something was calling to them.

I’m not sure if I would say it was a void or calling. It really started out as simple curiosity and it snowballed. So I guess the calling was there… and sure the void was there as I had given up on religion for about 10-11 years.

And this was added by another reply.

10) Catholics who life their faith. While few have been converted by people knocking on their door, many have been converted by the personal witness of other Catholics.

My interest truly originated by the simple observation of Marty’s family and their devotion to their faith. As I have been going to Mass it has continued to grow from the wonderful people I have encountered. My sponsor, Carol, is a great inspiration to me. I am not sure if I would be where I am without her. I have also found that everyone I have met within the church have been absolutely warm, welcoming and genuine. That is why it really feels like home.

Baptist Revival

My son went to a special service at the Baptist church tonight. I am not sure what brought this on, other than the promise of lots of pizza. Hey, can you blame him? He hasn't been to a Baptist service in a long time, but he thought why not see what it's about again? Before I dropped him off I told him what to expect. Preaching that they were all sinners. That all they needed to do was say this little prayer and commit to Christ and then they would be saved. Then there would be the altar call. He said he knew, but that was o.k. When I picked him up a few minutes ago he informed me that it was exactly as predicted. He went on to say that they said that one had to completely turn from sin, blah, blah, blah.. but he was disconcerted with the fact that there was no mention of continuing such a lifestyle after the magic prayer. In the car he said that he felt that Catholic and Episcopalian services seem to be far more religious that the Baptist. He didn't care for the contemporary feel of the service and the fact that they don't sing hymns. Oh, they had hymnals, but they didn't use them. He summed it up with the term unorthodox. He said that although the Catholic and Episcopal church did seem a bit "cultish" with the bowing and such, he still felt it was more reverant. Which is exactly how I feel. Well I don't think it's cultish and I explained that in a way all religions can have a cult feel in the fact that we worship Christ. It is just that the alter etc. represents Christ and that is why we bow to it. He understood.
I don't want you to think I am just bashing the Baptists. I feel there are truly righteous people within the Baptist church, like my friend Bret. And I think he is realizing that it's not about the numbers in those altar calls, but how many people actually convert themselves to a Christian life. Isn't that what it's about? Although I still have a difference of opinion on his views, I still respect him and his works. But I also know that my decision the to come home to the Catholic church is right. Not just because it "feels" right either. I know it in my mind, my heart and my soul. And I can't wait until I am in full communion with the Church.

Still Here with a question

I am still here, still in RCIA, still committed to the Catholic faith and greatly looking foward to Easter Vigil. I have just be swamped with other "life" things right now and I haven't had time to blog much. I still have many things I want to write about but I have to prioritize right now and everything else is coming before blogging at the moment. I know I may lose the few readers I had, but if anyone is still reading, please be patient. I will be back soon. I do want to throw something out there though and perhaps a few people might respond... come on... you can do it.. just hit the "comment" link. It's really easy.

Would it be appropriate to send out an "announcement" of sorts in regard to my upcoming confirmation. Friends and family do know that I am converting, but I am not sure if they understand the true importance and significance of it. Any thoughts??

Neglect

I am sorry for the complete neglect of this blog. Things are still very busy, but I actually have a few moments to spare... while I am eating lunch at least.
What is new you ask?

Well, I am still going to RCIA weekly and it is getting more interesting as we close in on things actually pertinent to becoming Catholic. The first several weeks were a general overview of things about which I already knew for the most part. Now as we get into the sacraments in more depth, it is more interesting and exciting. I cannot wait until Easter Vigil and I know that it will be here before I know it.

I am also still singing in the choir, such that it is. This past Sunday we had four members in it and a 5th if you include our director, but she was playing the piano and singing. It was a bit nerve-wrecking to be up there with so few. You see, I don't consider myself a singer of any sort really. I have found enjoyment in singing and wish I could sing better, but I simply want to take part in something that glorifies God. And the fact that it involves music, which is my passion, is why I stay with it. I also enjoy the social aspect in the fact that I am meeting new people and getting to know others in the church this way. For a shy person like myself, I have to take small steps, you know?

Lent is coming up soon and I have been giving thought to what I should give up during that time. Last year, although I hadn't made up my mind on even calling the church, I took a stab at practicing Lent. I gave up fast food and soft drinks. I also participated with respect to not eating meat on Fridays. I am not sure what my plans for this year are, but I am sure that God will speak to me. I do know that I plan to incorporate more prayer during the time of Lent although I know I need to incorporate it more in general. At least it's a start.

Well, I best be getting back to my lunch and getting ready for my classes. Perhaps there will be another post tonight. I will actually be able to get home at a decent hour for once.

Decisions

Today's homily addressed decisions and how each decision we make impacts not only ourselves but can impact others. Father Phan used the example of Jonah and when God called him to Nineveh to tell the community to change their ways or face God's wrath. Jonah fled and didn't want to do such a task... after all the Ninevites were enemies. But eventually he heeded God's call and amazingly they turned from their evil ways and were saved.
He also used the example of the first call of the apostles. The fact that they said "yes" and followed Christ lead to our salvation. Because they continued to teach and pass on Christ's message, we have the ability to also live as Christ's followers. And once again... it was a choice that they made. It may have been part of God's ultimate plan... but they had to make the decision to say yes.
Every day we are called to respond to God's graces. And no, it is not a single moment of faith that allows us to be God's followers. Even though we may have been called into His service and made a proclamation of faith (such as in confirmation), we still have to make choices to live Christ-like lives. And we do, we are able to receive the graces of God. And once again... it's not a matter of works that allow us to be "saved" or receive graces. It is making those decisions to live according to God's standards.
The decisions we make about how we live and the choices we make impact us. Not only does it impact our final destination after we die, but it affects our lives on a daily basis. And though we may not always realize it, our lives can impact others. I am not a big proponent of going door to door and spreading the good news about Christ and asking people about their personal relationship with Christ. To me it is very invasive. I don't want people coming to my door and interrupting my life in that way and I certainly don't want to impart myself on others in that manner. But if I choose to live a holy life, then I am alrady being a witness for Christ in my actions and words. And if someone chooses to ask me about my faith, my Church, and my life, I will be glad to share it with them. And I did that just last night. My friend that was here asked me a multitude of questions about the Catholic faith and it's teachings. I answered her questions to best of my ability.
It's not that I am trying to draw people into the Church. But if someone asks me about why I have chosen this Church and what they teach, I will share it with them. It doesn't mean they are going to drop everything and start RCIA classes themselves... but perhaps it gives them something to think about. At the very least if someone sees me as a person of faith and admires the way I live, then I have at least set an example. And I've said many times before and I'll say it again. I am still a work in progress. But I have seen a great deal of progress made in the past year that I have been going to Church.
We also have to consider the fact that we don't know how we will impact others when we die. Sometimes it is when someone deals with the death of someone close to them and see how that person lived their lives andrealizes how their faith affected them, then they might just take a long, hard look at their own lives... especially if they are unbelievers or fallen from faith.
This lesson today reminded me very much of the book The Five People You Meet In Heaven. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. It isn't a complex book that is difficult to understand. It simply deals with a man's life, the end of it. It is the reflection back on the events of his life and how others impacted it and how he impacted a multitude of others... though he had never stopped to think about it. Sometimes we cannot realize those we impact even though we may have never met them in person. It could be a simple observation, something perhaps posted on a blog or maybe even a few kind words.
It is something to certainly think about, isn't it?

Maybe soon

I hope to start posting again soon. I started a post on Baptism, but I didn't like it much and decided not to post it. I've been overwhelmed with stuff with school and haven't had the time, the energy or the thoughts to post here in this blog. I apologize to those of you that have faithfully checked my blog in hopes of reading something interesting.

Today wasn't a good day for me and I'm hitting a bit of depression right now. I need to spend some time in prayer... if I can find it. I promise to be back as soon as I can.

Praying the rosary

I am not going to go into great details about praying the rosary. Most Catholics already understand what the rosary is and how it's prayed. Non-Catholics sometimes don't "get" the point in praying it or praying to the Saints for that matter. I, myself, am learning the beauty of it all. I'm still quite a newbie in matters of non-traditional prayers, but I am trying to make the effort in learning them. I had plans to pray the rosary a few nights ago. I found myself with a little bit of extra time (which is rare these days). So I went to bed and reached for my lovely new rosary that I got from my sponsor for Christmas. And it wasn't there. So I freak a little and can't for the life of me figure out where I put it. And just when I was ready for it. So after I only slightly tore my bedroom apart, I pray for it's return and go to bed. I got home yesterday with it on my mind and eventually I spotted it under my pile of Catholic books. Go figure.
So I prayed it last night. Something I read recently mentioned having an intention for each decade of the rosary that is prayed. So I decided to give it a whirl.

I know that God answers all prayers. Sometimes they don't happen in the timely fashion we desire. Sometimes the answer is a definte "no". And happily sometimes the answer is "yes".
One of the intentions that I prayed about last night was my 7th period class. You see, this semester I have the class from heck. I guess I complained too much about my 7th period last semester because this semester is far worse. So last night I prayed for the students in my class. I asked for peace in their hearts and that they might know that there is more to life than what their limited view is. You see I have several in this class that just have bad attitudes overall and it makes for an unpleasant day. So I prayed for them. And you know what? Today was a wonderful day during that class. They presented their poems and shields that they created and nobody was obnoxious or interrupted. One of the things they had to talk about was something they would never change their minds about and a great deal of them mentioned God or their faith... which was very refreshing. (Keep in mind that probably 75% of the community is Catholic). At the end of class I thanked and praised them for their behavior. And on the way home today it struck me that I had prayed for them.

I did have other intentions that I am certain God will answer in His time. I am thankful though that He gave me that small bit of peace today with my class. I will continue to pray for them and all my students.

Once again, I wish I could post more often in here, but things are getting so very busy again. I've taken on probably more than I can chew at the moment, but I will manage with God's help. I have several post ideas and have done some research and hope I can find time to put more thoughts down soon. So please bear with me. 

RCIA Week 14

Tonight was absolutely wonderful. Father Phan came and taught our class an overview of the sacraments. It was simply amazing. I have gotten a great deal more blogging material from it, but not sure when I'm going to find the time to get it down. I would love to get it going soon, but I'm finding that my thoughtful posts where I dig up information and learn as I write take a couple of hours to complete. I was able to get several things done over Christmas break simply because I had the time. Not so now that school has started again. We have a speech tournament this weekend. Perhaps I'll take my Bible, Catechism and my notes and at least sketch an outline or something.
But I did want to leave you with something so I'm going to post something I pre-wrote last January.. probably almost exactly a year ago. I'm not sure of the exact date, because it isn't dated. One of the things I bought myself last year... probably around Christmas time was two journaling books. I wanted to work on my skills and do some practice writing. One of the books was called "Loose Ends" and it was writing letters to people that you would never send to them, but the act of writing them would help you get things out that needed to be out. One of the journals was to write a letter to God. It was an interesting concept. Sure, I've prayed, but to actually write out a letter to God... that was different. So here is the letter I wrote.

Dear God:
How do you start a letter to the Almighty? I should start with my thank-you's, I guess. Thank you for my life. Sometimes I'm not appreciative enough or complain too much, but I do thank you for my existence. I hope that in some way I can make a difference and perhaps glorify you in some way - with your help, of course. Thank you for Josh. He has been a true blessing to me. Please help me to be a good mother to him. And help him find you. Let him live a happy and passionate life. Thank you for my friends and family. You've given me some wonderful people. Thank you for Marty. I pray that if it's your will for us to be together that you make it so. Thank you for my pets. They have been great companions. Please take care of Fuzzball for me. And thank you for everything else - my job, my house, my "stuff". You have always provided for me.
Normally I should get into my sins at this point, but there's not enough room. I know I haven't lived according to your standards and I'm sorry. I hope you will guide me in being a better person.
As far as my spiritual journey goes, I'm at least opening myself up for it. I've opened the door a crack, but I'm hoping you'll burst in at some point. Yes, I'm still holding myself back. I'm still afraid. But I'm trying to figure things out and do what's right. I ask that you give me a bit of a helping hand in all of this. Continue to give me the desire to learn about Catholicism, and if it's your will for me to join the Church, give me the desire, courage, and strength to do it.

I know it ends rather abruptly, but that's when I ran out of room. And God has answered my prayers. Sometimes it's not the answer I was looking for... such as in the case of Marty. But more importantly, He has guided me in my journey into the Church and for that, I am so very thankful.

My Prayer for 2006

This was posted in a Dear Abby column recently and it really struck home with me. I had heard it before, I think, but didn't know it was attributed to St. Francis of Assisi. I think I will make this my prayer for this year.

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

"Where there is injury, pardon;

"Where there is doubt, faith;

"Where there is despair, hope;

"Where there is darkness, light;

"Where there is sadness, joy.

"O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

"To be understood as to understand;

"To be loved as to love.

"For it is in giving that we receive;

"It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

"It is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

Final words on Free Will

O.k. now I will share my thoughts as to why I disagree with the Calvanistic view of predestination.

From my understanding, the following is the concept of pre-destination by many Protestant Churches:
1) Total Depravity - man is too sinful to ever merit salvation or choose God.
2) Unconditional Election - God saves people entirely based on His grace, not our works.
3) Limited Atonement - Christ's atonement, although satisfactory to save everyone, is only applied to the saved (i.e. elect).
4) Irrestable Grace - It is impossible to resist God when He begins tugging your soul (i.e. it is impossible to say, "no" to the internal call of salvation).
5) Perseverence of the Saints - those whom God has saved can never "unsave" themselves.

And now my two cents worth:
1) Total Depravity: The only thing about this that I agree with is the fact that man is sinful... because we are all born with original sin. However, I completely disagree with the notion that man cannot choose God. Certainly God chooses us, but to think that He only chose some, and condemns others is not a pleasing thought. If God condemns some men to hell, then he is not the benevolent, loving God as indicated in the Bible. I feel that because He gives us free will, we can certainly choose him or deny him... but it's still our choice.
2) Unconditional Election - True that we cannot save ourselves and God's grace is certainly part of our salvation, but works is also a part of it as well. If works aren't involved, then how do we become more Holy and serve Christ? We are saved because of God's grace and continue to work through our salvation with our works. Faith is indeed part of this, but it's not simply a one time profession of faith... it's ongoing... and one can certainly lose it. We must choose to accept the grace given to us by God.
3) Limited Atonement - This doesn't make sense. If Christ only died for some and not all people, what is the point in his sacrifice? I feel that God wants a relationship with ALL of His creation, even though He knows that some will not choose Him.
4) Irresistible Grace - This is where free will comes in. God certainly calls for us at certain times and He may certainly put the desire for a relationship with Him upon our hearts, but we ultimately choose to say yes to Him or not. Even in the Baptist service where they have the altar calls and people go up to give their lives over to Christ... it is still a choice that the person makes to heed the call. Consider Mary. She was called to be the mother of Christ and she accepted the task of her own free will. Sure, God knew that she'd say yes.. but she still said it on her own.
5) Perserverence of the Saints - I feel that God does call some people into service (like Mary) and they have received His unmerited Grace. But I also feel that because faith and works are involved in our salvation, one can certainly lose it and there's no guarantee that any one of us will end up in heaven. Many Christians will have a reasonable assurance because they have lived their lives in accordance to the will of God. Salvation is an ongoing process. When Catholics are asked if they are "saved" their response is I am saved, I am being saved and I hope to be saved.

One of my big problems that I had within the Baptist church with this concept of salvation was the fact that I was "saved" three times and even after all of that, I couldn't say with complete certainty that any one of those times I was assured of a place in heaven. Was my faith ever enough to earn my place in the Book of Life? And what if I wasn't one of the elect? How could I possibly know that? If the concept of pre-destination holds true, there's nothing I could do to earn everlasting life and it would happen no matter what I did. If that's the case, what would be the point of even attempting to live a Christian life? Why not simply live whatever way I chose? Because if I was going to be one of the elect, then nothing I could do would keep me from eventually being called. So I could just keep living my life of sin. When God was ready for me, He'd let me know, right? The thing is... I thought I was ready on three different occasions. Why didn't any of those "take" so to speak? What got to me the most of all in my previous church was the fact that I was questioning all of this - wondering how I could possibly know that I had true salvation etc. when one of the guys that had led me in my last salvation experience got up in front of the church and said that he really hadn't been saved. He had been bringing others to Christ, serving in a capacity as an associate pastor of the church, teaching classes and all of that and he came to the realization that he had not had a true salvation experience. How can that be? If once saved, always saved? If this guy that had been living a pretty Godly life really wasn't saved, then how could I be when I was still struggling with sin myself? So then I began to wonder if perhaps I was not one of the "elect" that was called to have a relationship with Christ. Although at times I had the desire, it was never strong enough to really devote myself to everything involved in Christian service. It was disappointing to think that no matter how much I did or didn't do, that I might not ever get to heaven.
The concept of a one-time profession of faith went out the window with the associate pastor's profession of a false salvation. If all it takes is that one moment, perhaps if I had been saved the first time when I was nine years old, nothing I could ever do would keep me out of heaven. Even if I commited the most heinous acts and sins, I would still go to heaven. The counter argument by Protestants is that if it is a "true profession of faith" then one would never commit those acts and they would be commited to Christ all of their lives. But how many people in churches all over the world stop going to church or lose faith that they thought they had? Protestants claim that works aren't necessary for salvation, but if/when one is "saved" then the works will ultimately follow. But every human act in service to God is still a choice. Even when we have the ultimate faith possible we still have to make the choice to act upon it.

It seems to me that the idea of pre-destination is really an easy way out with regard to salvation. If we are chosen, we will be called. Once we're called we can't lose it. Therefore it doesn't matter how you live. How convenient. But honestly, it takes effort every day and we still make choices to live Christian-like lives. Free will gives us that right. Hopefully we use it to choose to follow God's will for us.

What drew me into the Catholic Church and keeps me involved is that their teachings make the most sense to me. I was at first trying to figure out which of all the many denominations was at least the most right. Realizing that the Catholic Church was the original Church founded by Christ dating back to Peter made me investigate it's teachings further. As I have studied the faith (especially thanks to the questions and concerns from my Baptist friend) I have not found anything that I have questioned. I am by no means a complete expert, but I am certainly enjoying this learning experience. It has answered a lot of my questions that I've had for a very long time. So in the end, I find that as a Catholic, there is more hope with the concept of salvation. It's not an either you're in or out kind of thing... and it's not a matter of whether you're chosen or not. Because all are called by God and we must choose to follow Him.